Stone--Personal Definitions

[Bit]

Originally Posted by Daryn

From my ME place, my experience is that you are a rarity......

I understand--and I truly hope your experience will change, and you will discover lots of other people like me. *kotc*

Originally Posted by Daryn

But as for what stone means, that's been an evolving concept for me partially due to discussions with folks like Bit. I used to think stone encompassed pretty specific sexual boundaries. But I have shifted my view that it's about whatever sexual boundaries might be negotiated. And because I have some boundaries (that I feel no need to get detailed about) I fit Bit's definition of stone even I don't fit what I used to understand as the generic definition of stone.

Your comment ties into something I've been thinking a lot about, the "generic definition of stone." I personally believe that when people define "Stone" as merely a physical part of sex, they are leaving out two-thirds of it. It isn't just what you physically do or don't touch. There's also the gender component and the relationship component. For example, if I am with a Stone Butch and I'm using the correct kind of touching in the correct area (whatever kind of touching that particular Butch prefers in whatever area is preferred), then I am meeting the physical component of being Stone.

BUT if I am using the wrong pronouns and terminology as I do so, I am failing utterly to meet the gender component of Stone. This would be as true if I were to use male pronouns and terminology for a female-identified Stone Butch as it would be if I were to use female terms and pronouns for a male-identified Stone Butch. This example might be pretty obvious and y'all might be saying "duh!" but think about this... there are Butches who are only male-identified during sex, and who at other times are completely okay with a female identity. There are Butches who need to be acknowledged with male pronouns and terms whenever they're packing or binding, but who are okay with female terms and pronouns otherwise. There are also Butches who are only comfortable with Butch pronouns (hy, hym, hys). For me, part of the flexibility inherent in being a Stonefemme is the ability to wrap my mind around which part of the gender terminology fits where, and at which times. This is a second component of being Stone.

From what I have experienced so far of the relationship component of being Stone, most Stone Butches are extremely protective of their partners and expect to be allowed to act publicly on that. Stonefemmes are also protective, but in my experience we tend to express it differently, more quietly.

I believe that although Stone relationships are NOT the same as Leather or BDSM relationships (not to say Stones don't enjoy those relationships, just that they are not synonymous), there IS a deliberate element of power exchange built into the Stone relationship dynamic; from what I have seen and experienced, it's very common for a Stonefemme to be the wife and a Stone Butch to be, if not the husband, the husbutch, in a more old-fashioned, less strictly egalitarian kind of relationship. Being acknowledged as head of the household seems to be important to many Stone Butches. This is not universal by any means, but it is truly common, so common that it often (usually?) colors the way Stone Butches interact with Stonefemmes even when they are friends and not partners. So for me, respecting this relationship dynamic is a third component of being Stone.

Many thanks to a correspondent who asked me some questions privately that sparked this thought process. I don't think I'd articulated these three components in quite this way for myself before, and I appreciate the chance to do so now.

Originally Posted by Random

When I am with a partner who is stone... well.. pretty much, I go where the energy manifests...

What a wonderful way to put it!! Yes, exactly so for me--I go where the energy manifests! Thank you for this elegantly concise statement!