Stone--Personal Definitions

[Blade]

It means that I have boundaries, places that a partner isn't allowed to touch me because it is feminizing to me. Those same places might not be feminizing to someone else or to their last partner, they are my places and they are no touch zones.

I think sometimes I might use it as a gender marker so to speak to let folks know that if they have any interest in me relationship wise, they need to know up front I am stone. It's only fair, to be honest about those thing to start with.

Great thread Ma'am

[CherylNYC]

There is no gender marker to it for me. Being a stonefemme is all about sexual boundaries for me. I don't think I was always like this, but I'm honestly not sure. It would be too long and too personal to try to explain that here, so you can just take my word for it.

I discovered that there was a thing called a stonefemme ID because a friend told me about it a few years ago. You can imagine how much that twisted my absolutely lesbian feminist mind. I still have mixed feelings and I wish that I were, well, more versatile. This is who I am now. I work hard to accept it and myself.

My boundaries are around touching or penetrating my partner's genitals. To a lesser extent I'm not able to play with a partner's breasts. I have a wonderful time with butch cock. I'm tremendously responsive and very active in bed. I just can't... go there. And I don't know if there's even a 'why'. I just can't.

I ID strongly as a lesbian. (Does that count as a gender?) I play and partner with butch women. I'm not at all interested in men, so I don't date trans guys. Needless to say, my dating pool is rather small. Sigh.

[BullDog]

I am a stone butch. Stone for me is about my sexual preferences and who I am as a sexual being. It doesn't determine who I have sex with. It is about what I enjoy sexually, which does include boundaries, as well as energy exchange (very big for me).

In addition to being a Stone Butch I am also a lesbian, woman and female. For me, being a stone butch has nothing to do with being worried someone will "feminize me." It has to do with what I choose as my preferred energy exchange, sexual boundaries and overall sexual enjoyment. I am masculine. No one can feminize or masculinize me by how they have sex with me.

[apretty]

i'm femme and i've been with a few butches with personal sexual-boundaries. i can't even remember if they called themselves 'stone'. but the self-identifying-'stone' butches i have been with all defined stone way differently: for some it was about breasts, others vagina, others about just respecting their body and following their lead as far as what was cool, what wasn't so cool--and what was 'no way' --usually the butt, a lot of people have some butt-boundaries (and i even think that this one butch had herpes and that was her way of navigating sex stuff.)


personally, i've only been *stone* when i'm just not that into who's fucking me; somehow that goes over better than 'could you come over and do me and then go home because i can barely stand you, but i'm single and you'll do.'



oh and i have to just add a little aside: there is no feminizing touch, you think rubbing a clit in a circular motion vs. an up and down motion 'feminizes' someone? if that's true--that's a REAL delicate butch (with regards to their masculinity) that you've got on your hands, as it were.

[Gemme]

I'd just like to put this out here for us to keep in mind. None of us...NONE...ZERO...ZILCH...have the right to tell another what is and is not a feminzing touch or what is and is not a good touch for them. It's their body...it's their touch, no matter how we may see it or them.

[julieisafemme]

Just a little aside? I am not sure why you would post that. It is to me downright rude after others have come before you to share their personal feelings on what stone means.

Originally Posted by apretty

i'm femme and i've been with a few butches with personal sexual-boundaries. i can't even remember if they called themselves 'stone'. but the self-identifying-'stone' butches i have been with all defined stone way differently: for some it was about breasts, others vagina, others about just respecting their body and following their lead as far as what was cool, what wasn't so cool--and what was 'no way' --usually the butt, a lot of people have some butt-boundaries (and i even think that this one butch had herpes and that was her way of navigating sex stuff.)


personally, i've only been *stone* when i'm just not that into who's fucking me; somehow that goes over better than 'could you come over and do me and then go home because i can barely stand you, but i'm single and you'll do.'



oh and i have to just add a little aside: there is no feminizing touch, you think rubbing a clit in a circular motion vs. an up and down motion 'feminizes' someone? if that's true--that's a REAL delicate butch (with regards to their masculinity) that you've got on your hands, as it were.

[MsDemeanor]

The problem with threads about stone is that we stones all pretty much more or less understand what we mean by "feminizing"; though the exact specifics can vary from person to person, there's a general nod of "yeah". Invariably, though, someone who is not stone will come in and make a stink or demand some textbook definition or say something derogatory, and then the whole discussion turns to shit.

[JustJo]

Hello everyone

I've been reading this thread because I've been trying to understand the concept of "stone" better. I know that I'm not...just trying to wrap my brain around it.

So I have a, perhaps silly, question. I'm hearing that for most people it seems to be a sexual boundary issue rather than an identity issue.

Are there some out there for whom it is an identity...say comparable to butch or femme? And for whom sexual boundaries maybe don't apply or are a lesser consideration than the identity? And, if there are, what does that mean to you?

I'm not sure if this is very clear...it's one of those "don't know what I don't know" moments for me...

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by MsDemeanor

The problem with threads about stone is that we stones all pretty much more or less understand what we mean by "feminizing"; though the exact specifics can vary from person to person, there's a general nod of "yeah". Invariably, though, someone who is not stone will come in and make a stink or demand some textbook definition or say something derogatory, and then the whole discussion turns to shit.

This is very true and can really stink for those who are reading and exploring their identity and feeling that Stone fits them. Just as soon as the discussion gets going, it stalls out.

[tcbbutch]

I am a Stonebutch and Male ID'd for myself identifying as Stone has always been the way to let others know who I am sexually. When I was dating it saved a lot of heartache and even then some out there still try to cross those boundaries..jeez..
For myself it's just that I am not connected sexually to certain body areas that others assume must be how we are all sexually satisfied. As a Stonebutch, I partner with Stonefemmes and thats a wonderful thing.
I find it such an insult to all the wonderful Stonebutches and Stonefemmes in our community that we have to constantly explain ourselves as if we are too queer for the queer community. So I hope that we can keep this thread on track for honest discussion and maybe enlightening anyone who has an honest question.

[Bit]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

I am curious about those who ID as *Stone* and what that specific WORD means to them on a personal and relationship level.

Is it sexual boundaries or gender ID or a combination of the two or something one cannot explain that makes one ID as *Stone*?

Originally Posted by JustJo

So I have a, perhaps silly, question. I'm hearing that for most people it seems to be a sexual boundary issue rather than an identity issue.

Are there some out there for whom it is an identity...say comparable to butch or femme? And for whom sexual boundaries maybe don't apply or are a lesser consideration than the identity? And, if there are, what does that mean to you?

For me, "Stone" is about my gender. My gender is Femme--specifically, Stonefemme. It encompasses who I am and how I live my life, how I carry myself as a female-bodied person in this world; it's about boundaries, energy flows, and respect.

For me, being a Stonefemme is natural. It makes me flexible. (Yeah, I know, nobody thinks of Stones as flexible--surprise!) It means that I am able to fit well with partners who have varied gender and sexual identities.

It also means that respect is at the heart of everything I do, respect for myself and my boundaries--not just sexual, but relationship and social as well--and respect for my partner and his (or her) boundaries; as well as respect for the people around us and their relationship and social boundaries. They can keep their sexual lives to themselves, tyvm... but then, that IS a part of my social boundaries to be private about sex. You might not think so if you've known me online for very long, but this is a different space and dynamic, not at all the same here where we're analyzing/dissecting/discussing our identities and lives as, say, the neighborhood association meeting tonight!

So yes, for me, Stone is a gender ID and it encompasses WAY more than sexual boundaries. Yes, I can respect any no-fly zones. Yes, I understand how to speak and act in ways that support my partner's sexual and gender identities. Yes, I am flexible enough to be able to partner with people who might have vastly different no-fly zones--or whose no-fly zones might change over the course of the relationship.

No, sexual boundaries are not the be-all and end-all of my identity, nor are they most important part of being Stone for me. Stonefemme is a big huge identity; the word is about the totality of who I am. It's not one small limited piece of my life... it's the over-arching framework that fits into the world and makes space for me.

[apretty]

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

Just a little aside? I am not sure why you would post that. It is to me downright rude after others have come before you to share their personal feelings on what stone means.

how is that a little aside? oh. you're mocking my choice of words.

at any rate, i don't know how i could have been more personal in my explicit sharing of how i define stone.

sorry, i guess this is one of those instances where someone (me) isn't doing it right.*

*i've never, however, had anyone leap from my bed because they felt that i was feminizing them (read: not doing it right).

please carry on, i have no desire to turn this thread "to shit" by either defending my definition of stone or by the fact that i have zero desire to have *stone* be a part of my personal identity.

[Bard]

OK I will try and give my story if you will it is kind of hard for me but I know here I may not be judged.. I for a long time did not know what I was had no idea that I was stone I just kenw I was diffrent I am and alwys have been a very sexual creature.. but I just did not or could not "feel it" I would fake it just to please who I was with or just to get them to stop. I learned to be more the agressor to be more drive her more wear her out then the focus is on her not on me became very one sided. I learned to read what a woman wanted becmae a very attentive lover. then I found butch femme and I read and I learned I grew and became so sure of me. I love the dance the exchanging of energy the way my lover responds to me how I can drive her pleasure and desire chrashing it drives me. at long last I understand me it is not that a touch can feminize me it is just I freeze up .. I have to be touched in a diffrent way .. my mind my heart .. there has been once yes but only then .. at least here we understand each other and do not look at being stone as a sexual disfunction only a person with limited understanding would say that and yes the one who reached me is the one who said it Stone is just who and what I am from the inside just a block of ice and I am strong and secure in that

[Nat]

I thought I was stone for a while in that I had issues penetrating another person. I found it upsetting and it turned me off. In my case, though, it was a stopping place on my own journey, rather than the final port of call.

I eventually figured out I was deeply afraid of violating another person, that when I went there, it bothered me because of this fear - to the point where I was dissociating a bit. On top of that, I was just new and I hate being bad at stuff.

Over time and in increments, what part of me I considered stone went away. I am still extremely concerned with knowing boundaries and with trusting my lover to have a strong "no" should she ever need to use it, because I don't want to find out after the fact that something I have done made another person feel violated. It's still a really deep fear. Having confidence and trust in this respect has just really allowed me to be in my own skin and just be able to enjoy (relish) those experiences which I was most reticent about before. Plus, it helps when you're with somebody just really amazing.

Even though I'm not stone anymore, I am really grateful to those stone femmes who were there for me back then. Without several wise stone femme voices, I may have mistakenly felt during that time that maybe I wasn't queer after all or queer enough. I was very recently out of a straight marriage at that time, and I was so unsteady on my feet. The voices and presence of stone people within the community really made me feel like there was a home for me here whether or not I had the capacity or desire to perform to the standards and reciprocity levels that I may have otherwise felt were expected of me.

[friskyfemme]

I answered this question sometime back in another forum. It generated some miscommunication. I will try not to offend others . Here goes.

'Stone' for me is who I seek for a sexual partner ('stone' butches or TGs). It's not a gender for me, but it also defines what sexual acts I do and do not find sexual stimulating. I don't enjoy performing oral sex. I don't like feeling or manipulating my partner's chest/breast. Using 'stone', helps cut through, explaining what I expect or need sexually and that I respect my partner's needs, wants, and desires.

I do, however, loved to be licked, suckled, and penetrated (fingers, dildo and cock).

I am also a 'bottom femme' but that's another thread!

[Sweet_Amor_Taino]

I have a male / gentleman mentality. I do not like to be touched in a way a women is touched. It puts me a Lesbian head space... it is a bad place for me to be at !! I do not like to be feminized. !!

I believe that at some time or another a butch or femme has found her/him self doing certain sexual behaviors to please their partner but that is why a straight out conversation no matter how uncomfortable is needed ASAP.

[Stoney]

Is there something Im missing here?

what is this post about?????


and.......hmmmmm....

what is it you are trying to convey pertaining to your " stone" sexuality


maybe Im just not grasping the gist of it.. IDK?

Originally Posted by apretty

i'm femme and i've been with a few butches with personal sexual-boundaries. i can't even remember if they called themselves 'stone'. but the self-identifying-'stone' butches i have been with all defined stone way differently: for some it was about breasts, others vagina, others about just respecting their body and following their lead as far as what was cool, what wasn't so cool--and what was 'no way' --usually the butt, a lot of people have some butt-boundaries (and i even think that this one butch had herpes and that was her way of navigating sex stuff.)


personally, i've only been *stone* when i'm just not that into who's fucking me; somehow that goes over better than 'could you come over and do me and then go home because i can barely stand you, but i'm single and you'll do.'



oh and i have to just add a little aside: there is no feminizing touch, you think rubbing a clit in a circular motion vs. an up and down motion 'feminizes' someone? if that's true--that's a REAL delicate butch (with regards to their masculinity) that you've got on your hands, as it were.

and ..... the above...in red ...pardon me but.... errr hmmmm WTF are you talking about?????

this about being "stone", not being stoned.


Have a nice day.....
Stoney

[Random]

Originally Posted by apretty

oh and i have to just add a little aside: there is no feminizing touch, you think rubbing a clit in a circular motion vs. an up and down motion 'feminizes' someone? if that's true--that's a REAL delicate butch (with regards to their masculinity) that you've got on your hands, as it were.

I have to disagree with you..

You can speak about how it works for you, maybe people you play with, but you don't get to set the rules on what makes someone feel uncomfortable with their sex play..

I have an ex, that it didn't matter how high he was.. how turned out he was.. if I worked him a certaint way, it shut him down sexually.. It made him feel like a woman and that didn't match what was going on in his head..

According to him.. one way felt like a clit, another way felt like a cock..

Who is anyone to say someone is delicate because of the way something physically feels?

[apretty]

Random: I don't feel as though I can respond because I'm not responding from a place of 'embracing my stone' identity. sorry, my words will have to stand on their own.

To all: I hoped to add to the variety of ways that we use 'stone'--I'm sorry that I lacked reverence for the stone identity.

[Random]

Originally Posted by apretty

Random: I don't feel as though I can respond because I'm not responding from a place of 'embracing my stone' identity. sorry, my words will have to stand on their own.

To all: I hoped to add to the variety of ways that we use 'stone'--I'm sorry that I lacked reverence for the stone identity.

Very nice cop out...

your lack of reverence for something that shouldn't be revered any more than any other sexual id isn't the problem.. Your judging people for what is true or right for them is...