Open Letter: Dear Femme

[evolveme]

Originally Posted by Bit

Dear Sister Femme,

{{{{{{{{{{{{Julie}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thank you. And I love you, too.

You've articulated it perfectly. I haven't seen the accusations but then, I haven't been part of the debates... this time. I have certainly seen the accusations time and time again during past discussions.

I think that you've articulated the split very well, between those who feel challenged and those who feel unseen. What we see, standing on the outside, is that it is NOT an "either/or" situation but a "both/and" situation; but there doesn't seem any way to say so without being seen as unsupportive.

It's hard to be in the middle this way. It's hard to speak without that reservation, to stop censoring the self and simply talk.

I've spent so many years thinking always of the meaning that will be given to my words, the intent that will be assumed, that I don't honestly know if I am able to simply speak without considering others first.

That's a rather daunting thought,
Cathie

Lovely Bit,

Given that we are primarily socialized to think of others first, to literally seat ourselves last, it is no wonder we have this difficulty when it comes to times like these.

A couple of years ago I was meeting a beautiful girl friend of mine for drinks. She lived in another state and we hardly ever got to see one another. The entire time we were trying to catch up, however, men in the bar/restaurant, and one in particular, were/was interrupting us, attempting to dominate the conversation for attention. Both of us being the very Southern and feminine women that we are continued to smile wanly but permit them.

Finally, I'd had enough.

I said to the most frequent of these men (I interrupted him, in fact):

"Listen, we have been socialized and conditioned all of our sweet little lives to permit you to take up our space. To interrupt us. We're done with that business. Get lost."

I actually felt terribly guilty for possibly having hurt his feelings. And my friend did too. But we both laughed each time a man approached that I held up my hand and said, "No, back!"

I'm a little bit almost finally able to do that. To just say what I think. To go, No, back! whenever I need to and not worry about "his" feelings. Because I have allowed mine to be just as important.