Negotiating Silence

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Eleanor Roosevelt

I feel that the above quote is appropriate as a starting point for a discussion I'd like to have.

In all the years I have been a part of online communities the subject of being silenced keeps coming around. I am conflicted on the subject. I want to understand more.

I understand that in a forum, ones post can be deemed *silencing*. In the verb form of the word. The second verb is the act of *being silent* and I wonder if that is not something we must consent to for some reason.

What makes a person *be silent*? Is it the fear of an unpopular opinion? Not liking conflict? Wanting to be liked? Afraid of breaking the rules?

How can we negotiate better with ourselves and each other as a community?

I have a character flaw. When I am told to be silent I talk longer and louder. So not a good girl.

Anyone willing to discuss? Dissenting opinions welcomes.

Eleanor was absolutely correct. By allowing someone's words or actions to take control of me (versus me being in control of my responses), I am giving them power. I am allowing them to dictate my responses. That doesn't mean that whatever it was that they said or did wasn't shitty, because it most likely was, but it means that I just loaded up a silver platter with bits and pieces of myself and said, "Help yourself!"

There have been many times that I have felt silenced over the years (on the internet, specifically, as there are many more reasons in real time). Sometimes, I find myself in discussions that are, honestly, way above my head. And my not being able to grasp all the parts of the conversation frustrates me and I feel as if anything I may say won't be valuable, so I don't speak up. I feel invalidated, though no one may have said that at all or even considered that I might be interested in the conversation.

Sometimes, someone says something that is very generalized or just plain stupid and ignorant and I get so riled up and angry that I have to step away from the computer. I silence myself so that "I" don't become the jackass spewing stupidity everywhere. That works....when I am able to pull myself away. Fortunately, that happens more often than not.

There are times that I feel I would be beating my head into a brick wall....that there is no way in Hell that this person will ever see anyone else's point of view...and that, for me to engage with them would be a giant waste of my time and energy. I feel that I silence myself as well as 'being' silenced by this person, as if their ignorance is suffocating me and my thoughts and words. It sounds very close to what I previously described but is slightly...and significantly...different to me.

Once in a while, I will read something and be incredibly hurt by the statements made by others, whether the person was speaking directly to me or not. You know that feeling before you cry, when you can feel the pressure of the tears building up behind your eyes and your chest feels tight and you have difficulty controlling your breathing? Yeah, I feel that. I hate that out of control feeling. I have a knee jerk reaction to that feeling. I strike out or I pull inside of myself. When my response is the latter, I feel silenced. Of course, I have ultimate control over my emotions and responses to my feelings and emotions, but when it's a knee jerk response....instinctive, really....I feel as if the control has been taken from me.