Loving a Transman Isn't Easy

[julieisafemme]

Originally Posted by EnderD_503

If a person is using slurs (aka "tranny," "he/she," "she male" etc.), incorrect pronouns, or are referring to trans people in general's bodies in ways that aren't sensitive to dysphoria, then that is transphobic. She does not get a free pass to throw around offensive language just because she is married to trans person. Something tells me if that we replaced "trans" with "woman," "lesbian" or "gay man" on this site, it would be a different story as far as what people would or would not tolerate.

If turn this around and made it about a previously heterosexual identified woman who begins dating a lesbian, or a person with internalized racism dating a person of colour, do they have just as much a right to express their difficulties with the situation by throwing around slurs? I should hope not.

And it's not just about slurs.



This is an argument thrown at trans people by cis people on a daily basis. When a trans person calls a cis person out on transphobia, they frequently throw it back in our faces as though we're doing it just to play the victim, to hurt them, or act as though we have to be more tolerant of their inability to accept us (which really fucking gets me. Why are trans people always expected to have to put up with this? Because our mere existence is too difficult and confusing for everybody else?), or we're taking things too seriously, or we're too sensitive. That statement is so loaded with all of the above.

Her partner uses that term. Often I defer to what my partner prefers. He does not like the term FtM and so I don't use it. He does use the term transmasculine. Depending on who you are talking to it can change.

I do not doubt or argue that the language is transphobic to you. All I can tell you is that there is a whole lot of yucky stuff that swirls around in one's head when your partner is changing day to day. Working through transphobia is one of the things I have done over the past three years. And it has come up in the most surprising ways. My partner is also Latino and I have had to work through my own racism.

I'm really sorry that this feels bad to you and that you do not feel heard. That is a crummy feeling and not my intent at all. I guess I am feeling kind of cranky and needing to carve out my little space. That should not be to the exclusion of you or other transpeople and for that I apologize.

I still give her the benefit of the doubt though.