Loving a Transman Isn't Easy

Mr.Nobody · 10-21-2011, 11:11 AM

The implication that this woman should support this decision fully using only the fact that they are married as the reason, IMHO, is pretty anitquated. It only serves to prove her point that..."We should a) keep it quiet and support the transgender person or b) leave the relationship or c) both."

IMHO, the shoulders that bare this burden, belong soley to her partner in this case.

IMHO, the one who should be being supportive in this situation, is him. Something perhaps along the lines of...."I'm sorry I lied to you all this time baby. I know this is f#@king you up. I should have told you, but I know how you feel about this and I didn't want to lose you. So I lied. I thought if we we married, it would be harder for you to leave me. I love you and I was afraid. I want us to be together forever."

Because seriously, how "supportive" do you think he might be if four months into the marriage, she sprang upon him the information that at birth, she had been a he?

He lied to her. Bad decision. He married her, fully knowing what was about to come. She however, was not privey to that knowledge and had she been probably would have made a way different decision. It was wicked unfair.

Her use of the words rha rha tranny people pretty much say it all. I don't give these two a very good chance. The foundation of their lives together was built on a lie. How can the home stand strong?

iamkeri1 · 10-21-2011, 12:57 PM

[QUOTE=Mr.Nobody;442878]
IMHO, the shoulders that bare this burden, belong soley to her partner in this case.

IMHO, the one who should be being supportive in this situation, is him. Something perhaps along the lines of...."I'm sorry I lied to you all this time baby. I know this is f#@king you up. I should have told you, but I know how you feel about this and I didn't want to lose you. So I lied. I thought if we we married, it would be harder for you to leave me. I love you and I was afraid. I want us to be together forever."

Substitute the phrase "I'm sorry I didn't tell you." in the quote above rather than "I'm sorry I lied", and you have exactly what my husband said to me lo these many years ago (1980) when he told me shortly after our second anniversary about his desire to transition

Devastated does not even begins to describe how I felt. When I read the article, I understood down to the bone how this femme felt. Almost word for word she described my feelings at that time. Part of the devastation for me was that I KNEW (also down to the bone) that I would not leave him. We were one. To leave him would rip my own self apart. Therefore I would face incredible change in my own life.

I was not and never have been transphobic. I have always understood the need of people to be who they are. But that does not mean I was ATTRACTED to transpeople sexually or that I sought a relationship with one. I had, and this femme has, the right to choose her attraction. That does not make her transphobic. Even the 'Tranny rah rah rah" thing does not mean she is transphobic. She was just mad. I experienced the same thing. All of a sudden, instead of being surrounded by women be they butch, femme, andro, whatever, all of a sudden there were a bunch of men sitting on her couch...and her beloved butch was one of them.

My hubby waited a long time after he told me before he actually transitioned (for reasons I won't go in to here) but when he did, he jumped in with both feet. We went to doctors, therapists, group counseling, support groups, you name it. All about HIM. All about trans issues. Because we were activist people, we were activist in this as well. Almost every day there were guys sittiing in my living room talking about penises. I'm a lesbian dudes, penises (unlike "cock") do not attract me.

Do not think I am exaggerating here. In those days at least, when presurgical transmen met, THE top of converation was penises. Was it possible to have one? Which doctor could do the best surgery? What kind of procedures were involved. How much did it cost, Could you get insurance to pay for it? ... and the big one ... Would it WORK?

Yah "tranny blah blah blah" is pretty mild to describe the anger I felt at the way my beautiful life with my beautiful butch was being transformed. Where was I in all this? Who was I. Partners were treated as peripheral at best. After a year or two I understood why. During this time we met at least 50 couples. At the end of the two years, only 2 of these couples. no matter how long term their relatiopnships had been, were still together. Hubby and I were one of them.

In all of which I was treated as a straight woman. It was hard. it was painful, and it was insulting to me. The isolation was complete. The only one I could talk to about how I felt was hubby. He was wonderful. HE knew I was not straight. I never had to cover those feelings up around him. On the other hand, it tore him up to see me suffer and to know that he was responsible for the pain I felt. So most times I did not tell him.

So really folks, cut the femme some slack if she feels some anger. She has been through a lot. She has not had a lifetime to think about her feelings the way her husband has. I give her enormous credit that she is realizing that she loves her husband despite what he did to her and what has happened to her because of his choices. She has feelings. She is being honest about them, and she is trying like hell to keep her love intact through all of it. In my opinion, she ROCKS!!!!

Finally, while we are talking about insulting terms. Think about the term SOFFA (Significant others, friends families and allies ot transfolk.) I hate this acronym. I will not post on any site or thread that uses this term. It makes my skin crawl. What is it that you do with a sofa? You SIT on it. In my experience that is pretty much what happens to the feelings of SO's of people who transition...they get sat on. They are expected to just forget how they feel and express only joy and support for their loved one. We do feel that joy and support. But we feel a lot of other feelings as well, and those feeling are pretty much not acceptable. While the person who transitions gets support the SO gets almost none.

Again, she ROCKS!!!
Smooches,
Keri.

cuddlyfemme · 10-21-2011, 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr.Nobody

The implication that this woman should support this decision fully using only the fact that they are married as the reason, IMHO, is pretty anitquated. It only serves to prove her point that..."We should a) keep it quiet and support the transgender person or b) leave the relationship or c) both."

IMHO, the shoulders that bare this burden, belong soley to her partner in this case.

IMHO, the one who should be being supportive in this situation, is him. Something perhaps along the lines of...."I'm sorry I lied to you all this time baby. I know this is f#@king you up. I should have told you, but I know how you feel about this and I didn't want to lose you. So I lied. I thought if we we married, it would be harder for you to leave me. I love you and I was afraid. I want us to be together forever."

Because seriously, how "supportive" do you think he might be if four months into the marriage, she sprang upon him the information that at birth, she had been a he?

He lied to her. Bad decision. He married her, fully knowing what was about to come. She however, was not privey to that knowledge and had she been probably would have made a way different decision. It was wicked unfair.

Her use of the words rha rha tranny people pretty much say it all. I don't give these two a very good chance. The foundation of their lives together was built on a lie. How can the home stand strong?

I totally agree with you and couldn't have said it any better

10-21-2011, 11:11 AM	#1
Mr.Nobody Member How Do You Identify?: Niizh manidoowag... Preferred Pronoun?: I prefer amature nouns Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 840 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 370 Thanked 1,528 Times in 536 Posts Rep Power: 15623423	The implication that this woman should support this decision fully using only the fact that they are married as the reason, IMHO, is pretty anitquated. It only serves to prove her point that..."We should a) keep it quiet and support the transgender person or b) leave the relationship or c) both." IMHO, the shoulders that bare this burden, belong soley to her partner in this case. IMHO, the one who should be being supportive in this situation, is him. Something perhaps along the lines of...."I'm sorry I lied to you all this time baby. I know this is f#@king you up. I should have told you, but I know how you feel about this and I didn't want to lose you. So I lied. I thought if we we married, it would be harder for you to leave me. I love you and I was afraid. I want us to be together forever." Because seriously, how "supportive" do you think he might be if four months into the marriage, she sprang upon him the information that at birth, she had been a he? He lied to her. Bad decision. He married her, fully knowing what was about to come. She however, was not privey to that knowledge and had she been probably would have made a way different decision. It was wicked unfair. Her use of the words rha rha tranny people pretty much say it all. I don't give these two a very good chance. The foundation of their lives together was built on a lie. How can the home stand strong? __________________ Noblesse oblige...

10-21-2011, 12:57 PM	#2
iamkeri1 Member How Do You Identify?: femme woman Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: solo Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Central Florida Posts: 905 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 302 Thanked 2,152 Times in 659 Posts Rep Power: 16642920	[QUOTE=Mr.Nobody;442878] IMHO, the shoulders that bare this burden, belong soley to her partner in this case. IMHO, the one who should be being supportive in this situation, is him. Something perhaps along the lines of...."I'm sorry I lied to you all this time baby. I know this is f#@king you up. I should have told you, but I know how you feel about this and I didn't want to lose you. So I lied. I thought if we we married, it would be harder for you to leave me. I love you and I was afraid. I want us to be together forever." Substitute the phrase "I'm sorry I didn't tell you." in the quote above rather than "I'm sorry I lied", and you have exactly what my husband said to me lo these many years ago (1980) when he told me shortly after our second anniversary about his desire to transition Devastated does not even begins to describe how I felt. When I read the article, I understood down to the bone how this femme felt. Almost word for word she described my feelings at that time. Part of the devastation for me was that I KNEW (also down to the bone) that I would not leave him. We were one. To leave him would rip my own self apart. Therefore I would face incredible change in my own life. I was not and never have been transphobic. I have always understood the need of people to be who they are. But that does not mean I was ATTRACTED to transpeople sexually or that I sought a relationship with one. I had, and this femme has, the right to choose her attraction. That does not make her transphobic. Even the 'Tranny rah rah rah" thing does not mean she is transphobic. She was just mad. I experienced the same thing. All of a sudden, instead of being surrounded by women be they butch, femme, andro, whatever, all of a sudden there were a bunch of men sitting on her couch...and her beloved butch was one of them. My hubby waited a long time after he told me before he actually transitioned (for reasons I won't go in to here) but when he did, he jumped in with both feet. We went to doctors, therapists, group counseling, support groups, you name it. All about HIM. All about trans issues. Because we were activist people, we were activist in this as well. Almost every day there were guys sittiing in my living room talking about penises. I'm a lesbian dudes, penises (unlike "cock") do not attract me. Do not think I am exaggerating here. In those days at least, when presurgical transmen met, THE top of converation was penises. Was it possible to have one? Which doctor could do the best surgery? What kind of procedures were involved. How much did it cost, Could you get insurance to pay for it? ... and the big one ... Would it WORK? Yah "tranny blah blah blah" is pretty mild to describe the anger I felt at the way my beautiful life with my beautiful butch was being transformed. Where was I in all this? Who was I. Partners were treated as peripheral at best. After a year or two I understood why. During this time we met at least 50 couples. At the end of the two years, only 2 of these couples. no matter how long term their relatiopnships had been, were still together. Hubby and I were one of them. In all of which I was treated as a straight woman. It was hard. it was painful, and it was insulting to me. The isolation was complete. The only one I could talk to about how I felt was hubby. He was wonderful. HE knew I was not straight. I never had to cover those feelings up around him. On the other hand, it tore him up to see me suffer and to know that he was responsible for the pain I felt. So most times I did not tell him. So really folks, cut the femme some slack if she feels some anger. She has been through a lot. She has not had a lifetime to think about her feelings the way her husband has. I give her enormous credit that she is realizing that she loves her husband despite what he did to her and what has happened to her because of his choices. She has feelings. She is being honest about them, and she is trying like hell to keep her love intact through all of it. In my opinion, she ROCKS!!!! Finally, while we are talking about insulting terms. Think about the term SOFFA (Significant others, friends families and allies ot transfolk.) I hate this acronym. I will not post on any site or thread that uses this term. It makes my skin crawl. What is it that you do with a sofa? You SIT on it. In my experience that is pretty much what happens to the feelings of SO's of people who transition...they get sat on. They are expected to just forget how they feel and express only joy and support for their loved one. We do feel that joy and support. But we feel a lot of other feelings as well, and those feeling are pretty much not acceptable. While the person who transitions gets support the SO gets almost none. Again, she ROCKS!!! Smooches, Keri.