Can a poly/mono work?

[LadyHilary]

Question to the community:

Do you believe, and if so, what is required for a poly person and a mono person to maintain a long term romantic love relationship?

FYI on me: romantically heart monogamous, with multiple long-term committed leather relationships that may or may not involve sex and/or BDSM at any given interaction and when I attend leather events I often "trick" which means I may have some form of leathersex. All sexual encounters that are not with committed individuals are using safer sex. Tricks, though wonderful folks, are no threat to my leather family and/or the one who is first in my heart.

[TenderKnight]

Good post and interesting thread.. I myself ID as poly, the girl that I am dating does not ID as such. We've talked a LOT about it and she knows where my heart lies.. With her.. I also have a very dear friend and lover that I have been involved with for almost 4 years. They know of one another and respect and trust my feelings for both of them..

I think that any kind of relationship can work, as long as all involved are open and honest about where motivations lie and when something just doesn't feel right.. I encourage both of my partners to talk and to share with me how they feel and I check in often when I want or need to about where I am feeling and what my needs are.

That being said, I am not looking for any other deep relationships.. I don't have any other sexual partners, but ifI find drawn to someone, I would check in with my girl first.. the man I see and I's relationship is different.. He is poly, my girl is not.

I guess my point is that it has been working so far, lol.. Lots of communication, transparency, and honesty. I look forward to seeing how others feel about this topic.

-Tony

[girl_dee]

i feel it can work if all parties are open, honest and do not have underlying issues/agendas/feelings that are unknown to the other parties.

i think we all have a poly heart in some way, in that we are capable of loving more than one human being (polyamourous) but how we interact with others is where the real work comes in.

[aishah]

i'm polyamorous and both of my partners are monogamous - one by circumstance (he's just never really felt the need or desire to date anyone else since we've been together - we've been together 7 yrs) and one by choice/disposition (he never planned to date anyone polyamorous and has no interest in it, but we fell in love and he's been really accepting of it - we've been together 1 yr).

the things that have been most important for us are open and honest communication...c., my partner who defines himself as being monogamous, had never really been in a relationship where that had been encouraged before. and the other thing is addressing it when jealousy comes up. usually it's around the idea that he's not enough for me, or i might find someone else and want to leave him, etc. so we've had a lot of conversations about breaking down those ideas/fears.

i'd love to date someone who is also poly, but with a few exceptions, i have always ended up with monogamous people. and it's worked pretty well in my long term relationships

[Just_G]

I believe anything can work if there is complete honesty and communication. When people fail to communicate and cannot be honest, that is when trust is lost and things fall apart. It is hard to gain trust back once it is broken.

My experiences with the people I have been involved with that id as poly have not been successful because they were not honest with me or kept things from me, which I consider to be dishonest when we have agreed to being forthcoming with anything that might hurt either one of us.

I was clear out in Wyoming once, with no way to leave or get home when I got an ”oh by the way” announcement that I shoukd have been told about a month sooner. And while it might not be a big deal to some folks, I felt deceived and the weekend was not very good. I am very clear about honesty and what it means to me. I don't need details, but I I do need to know something is going on.

I hope that makes sense.

[Nadeest]

To be honest, I don't know, yet, if I am poly or mono. The first person that I dated, after I started transition was poly, however, and he got me started thinking about this sort of thing. He and I talked for quite a long time, online, as we lived a distance from each other, unfortunately. In the end, it was the distance and my financial inability to go see him that ended that relationship, not the fact that he was poly.

I think that it might be able to work, but I also think that it would take a lot of openness and communication between both parties to do it.

[imperfect_cupcake]

non-monogamous and I married a monogamous wife. I stopped having sex with others. At first it was uncomfortable and I freaked out about a lot of issues like, what if she tries to manipulate me through lack of sex, what if she tries to control me through monogamy, what if.... and really most of my issues were about feeling in control and lack of trust. after two months of dealing with my shit, I was fine. I found I was far more jealous of her giving attention to others but that calmed down too.

we were together, and I was perfectly happy to be monog, no issues came up. Until she did what my biggest fear is around being monogamous. She fucked off with someone else while we were having sexual issues due to both of us going through a depression.


I am always afraid that monogamous people will just piss off with others at some point, for sex/intimacy when the attention needs to be on our relationship. When I've had a problem in the past with a death in the family (which is what happened) and I've been non-monog, we've always closed the relationship temporarily to deal with our stuff and not bring other people into the mix while we sort our shit out and igve support.

I'm actually very angry about having changed a big thing about myself only to have had it thrown back at me. She was so scared in the first year we were together that she wasn't kinky enough, wasn't non-monog, wasn't expereinced enough... the amount of reassurance I used to pour on her... and she fucks off with a woman 10 years my junior. Thanks.

Monogamy my ass.

That said, I know I can do monogmany now so depending on who I meet next - as long as they can deal with my battered trust with monogamy...

[Princess]

I am dating a kinky poly transman...

I am mono...and accepting of our situation. He is very right, with honesty and communication everything has been working quite well. I know right where he stands, and he I. There isnt a day that goes by that we don't talk about how we are feeling, and what's needed to make it work. I do think it depends on the people involved, but I think that is with any relationship or situation. Honesty is the best policy no matter what the situation or relationship...but with trust and communication..most anything can work. Poly OR Mono.

[2qt]

No offence to the poly or mono people out there just my 2 cents worth so please don't hate for my post lol...

Personally I don't believe it can work because of the between the 2....I have been in a poly/mono relationship before and given it was my 1st attempt it was also one that will remain as a reminder to me why I was hesitant in the 1st place to get involved...

I was the mono and hy was the poly.... Initially I thought I could deal with things as long as we remained open and honest with each other, provided we did the whole communication thing everything would be sweet....

Alas as time progressed things began to change and other people involved begun to get noses out of place and it became a messy triangle of confusion, mistrust, anger, hurt between all who were involved....

Even though you are honest about who you are with or who you are attracted to or feel you want to explore things with, doesn't stop the realization of real feelings coming into the mix of things.... Being open and honest doesn't stop the mind or heart wondering if they are enjoying them more then you or the feeling of being inadequate to meet their needs as a whole and I found out in the end that's exactly what was felt....

I find whilst one persons needs are met there is always someone who is meeting just one side of the persons needs when you mix the 2 together.... Because the mono is doing all she/hy can do to make the poly happy and stable or the poly doing the same for the mono to make sure they feel secure and most times the poly has a couple to deal with these same issues with.... I don't feel it can be given the 100% which most mono require which is why we are mono to give 100% of ourselves to another......

When a poly dates another poly..... There is more understanding because you are both in the same equal posistion to each other.... Where as if you are a mono in the poly/mono relationship and you feel the need to change your status to a poly as well it doesn't seem to go over very well or at least sometimes it doesn't......

I have nothing against someone being a poly or not I believe it's a personal choice as it's my choice to be a mono... Like any relationships it requires time and understanding and there is good and bad in all aspects of relationships.... In the end what really matters is if you enjoy being there then why not.... If you don't then get the hell out before the sheets burn

[girl_dee]

IMO and it is just MY opinion here there are many different aspects to the term *Poly*.

i feel it's in the wiring. Either you are wired for it or you are not. Many people are capable of loving multiple people and they are not always of a sexual nature. If you are mono, and you are with someone who is poly, i do not know how this could ever work.

i like the family aspect of the poly lifestyle, it's a stronger bond than most bio families. We go through trials and tribulations together, through it all there is always a family bond, unless you cross one of us at which time everything changes. Rules are established, boundaries set up and they must be respected. If one of us has a problem, they others rally together to help resolve it.

Some people are in it for the multiple sexual partner (what they perceive as) benefit, others just fall in love with more than one person and enjoy the companionship of each. There are so many dimensions to the poly lifestyle that each one of us may have a different perspective.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

non-monogamous and I married a monogamous wife. I stopped having sex with others. At first it was uncomfortable and I freaked out about a lot of issues like, what if she tries to manipulate me through lack of sex, what if she tries to control me through monogamy, what if.... and really most of my issues were about feeling in control and lack of trust. after two months of dealing with my shit, I was fine. I found I was far more jealous of her giving attention to others but that calmed down too.

we were together, and I was perfectly happy to be monog, no issues came up. Until she did what my biggest fear is around being monogamous. She fucked off with someone else while we were having sexual issues due to both of us going through a depression.


I am always afraid that monogamous people will just piss off with others at some point, for sex/intimacy when the attention needs to be on our relationship. When I've had a problem in the past with a death in the family (which is what happened) and I've been non-monog, we've always closed the relationship temporarily to deal with our stuff and not bring other people into the mix while we sort our shit out and igve support.

I'm actually very angry about having changed a big thing about myself only to have had it thrown back at me. She was so scared in the first year we were together that she wasn't kinky enough, wasn't non-monog, wasn't expereinced enough... the amount of reassurance I used to pour on her... and she fucks off with a woman 10 years my junior. Thanks.

Monogamy my ass.

That said, I know I can do monogmany now so depending on who I meet next - as long as they can deal with my battered trust with monogamy...

Good Heavens, that must have sucked! Insecurities can play havoc on any relationship. Bring the mono/poly twist into and you have a recipe for disaster. i would also like to state that not everyone is driven by sex, but that seems to be a common denominator. i don't know how anyone sacrifices or risks an entire good relationship to go have sex with someone else, but i am not in their shoes to judge that. If you want to have sex with different people then find someone who is either open to that or stay single.

i have had jealousy issues in the past, but i now know i had reason to be untrusting. Each and every time i trusted, i was right about my suspicions.
My current relationship is not like that, she openly loves others in her life and that is a wonderful thing. i admire that about her, but she loves me unconditionally and makes sure i know where i stand at all times. Nothing to be jealous of.

In my past when i was dealing with something new to me, which was *jealousy* and i talked to my Syr/partners wife about it, she explained it like this:

"Jealousy is when you feel something that belongs to you is being given to someone else without your consent"

That was so true, whether it be sex, love, time, emotions, attention. Poly has to be a willing place, you can't just turn off your feelings of wanting to be just one on one, or having the person you love be true to you only.

[*Anya*]

I judge not how others live their life.

I know myself and what my soul needs to thrive.

Poly relationships would not work for me in any capacity.

It is clear from many posts that I have read, that it can and does work very well for some folks within poly relationships.

I just know, that for me, it would not.

It is what it is. Monogamy is where it is at for me.

[QueenofSmirks]

I think any relationship dynamic *can* work. It can also *not* work. It isn't so much the dynamic itself, it is the combination of the people involved and their environment and circumstances and life and relationship choices that play a part in it all. I've been in poly relationships that had some tremendous highs, and I've been in some that just plain didn't work at all. I've also been in monogamous relationships that had tremendous highs, and some that plain just didn't work at all. I've been in relationships where some people identified as poly (me being one of them), and others did not. I agree with what someone said earlier (it might have been Cajun Dee) that some people are wired to be poly, and some aren't. I don't think we're all meant to be the same or experience the same things, and it certainly isn't a judgment on those who do or do not identify as one or the other.

[girl_dee]

i have also found that when some who is (my word) wired for Mono and they reluctantly enter a relationship with someone who is poly that they have no idea what emotions or feelings can come out of that. Lots of people think its great kinky to see their partner with a playmate, but it's only kinky the first time.

Lots of issues NEED to be discussed, especially in a leather household setting.
Everyone NEEDs to adhere to the rules and boundaries and everyone NEEDs to be respectful of others, once one of these things does not happen it all crumbles.

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

i have also found that when some who is (my word) wired for Mono and they reluctantly enter a relationship with someone who is poly that they have no idea what emotions or feelings can come out of that. Lots of people think its great kinky to see their partner with a playmate, but it's only kinky the first time.

Lots of issues NEED to be discussed, especially in a leather household setting.
Everyone NEEDs to adhere to the rules and boundaries and everyone NEEDs to be respectful of others, once one of these things does not happen it all crumbles.

I would add... for everyone involved, be honest with yourself and your partner(s) about your boundaries. Anything you reluctantly agree to is not going to magically be okay. For me, in one of my relationships, I really wasn't okay with some of the boundaries set in place by my partner. I reluctantly agreed to them because she had agreed to things she wasn't comfortable with. In the end those things manifested into all sorts of other ugly things - control issues, trust issues, etc.

That was a long time ago, and I've learned a lot of life lessons since then. It's better to get it all out in the open up front because it's going to come out in some way, shape or form eventually.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by QueenofSmirks

I would add... for everyone involved, be honest with yourself and your partner(s) about your boundaries. Anything you reluctantly agree to is not going to magically be okay. For me, in one of my relationships, I really wasn't okay with some of the boundaries set in place by my partner. I reluctantly agreed to them because she had agreed to things she wasn't comfortable with. In the end those things manifested into all sorts of other ugly things - control issues, trust issues, etc.

That was a long time ago, and I've learned a lot of life lessons since then. It's better to get it all out in the open up front because it's going to come out in some way, shape or form eventually.

Yes and even if we have a smidgen of a *thing* about something and it doesn't come out, we regret it later.

i feel many times people don't know what their boundaries are until they are IN the situation, which is not always a good thing.

i hear and read about many people thinking they would be great with the poly lifestyle, until they try it.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

In my past when i was dealing with something new to me, which was *jealousy* and i talked to my Syr/partners wife about it, she explained it like this:

"Jealousy is when you feel something that belongs to you is being given to someone else without your consent"

This is a fascinating thread. Some of my favorite people on the Planet are here and the discussion is so grounded and thoughtful.

I don't have any insight to add, but Dee, your parter's wife's definition of jealousy really struck home with me. I had jealousy toward a partner's ex, once, and it still makes me sad to think about it.

It wasn't that I felt she was giving away something that belonged to me, it was that she was giving away something she had never given me.

And the ex was so mean to her, which made it even more painful to watch.

I had never thought of it that way till I read your post.

Scout

[LadyHilary]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

... especially in a leather household setting.
Everyone NEEDs to adhere to the rules and boundaries and everyone NEEDs to be respectful of others, once one of these things does not happen it all crumbles.

The expression of needs and exceptionally clear boundaries and rules are key.

Success is my goal, I believe in love and the ability for the human heart to expand.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

This is a fascinating thread. Some of my favorite people on the Planet are here and the discussion is so grounded and thoughtful.

I don't have any insight to add, but Dee, your parter's wife's definition of jealousy really struck home with me. I had jealousy toward a partner's ex, once, and it still makes me sad to think about it.

It wasn't that I felt she was giving away something that belonged to me, it was that she was giving away something she had never given me.

And the ex was so mean to her, which made it even more painful to watch.

I had never thought of it that way till I read your post.

Scout

Yes yes i went through this too, and back then talked to my Sister about it, when she explained it that way, it was dead on. i've experienced what i feel is jealousy once in my life, and i hope to never feel that pain again. i was more angry with myself for being jealous. i feel i was fighting for something that was never really mine, i know that now.

[fever]

This thread deals with questions about myself and relationships of the past. I am thrilled to see so many thoughts on the subject. I have learned a lot about myself over the past few years. I still don't know how poly femmes do it.

Do you think that it is mostly a butch who wants to be poly, especially one who ID's as a Top/Dominant, or are there just as many femmes who can't or don't want to have one partner???

Candice