Can a poly/mono work?

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Martina

I think this thread is asking about whether someone who is poly can be with someone who is basically monogamous long term, meaning one of them does not have connections outside the relationship.

I may sound like I am policing this thread. I am not. What I am doing is speaking as a poly person. We can't seem to have a discussion without people coming in and saying, OMG, I could never DO that. I am an ethical person. It's not in my nature to do THAT.

I'm often hesitant on posting in poly threads due to the stigma that comes along with being perceived as a sexual starved cat in heat.

Weatherboi and I had that very discussion before my participation in this thread. It seems when the word poly is attached in any manner it is assumed that it's about sex, it's about selfishness, perversity(not the good kind) carelessness and all around negative. I'm glad this was brought up!

[Mel C.]

I appreciate the comments made thus far. It seems to me that a relationship based on honesty and open dialogue can overcome philosophical differences. Can a relationship between people with different dietary needs work? Can a relationship between people with different income levels work? Can a relationship between people of different ethnicities or different religious beliefs work? I think the answer in all cases is "yes" if the people involved are willing to work through the hurdles that appear from time to time (as with any relationship).

Without identifying myself as poly or mono, it seems to me that a relationship can only "work" if the people involved want it to work and continue working on the relationship(s).

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Mel (aka BlistexLez)

I appreciate the comments made thus far. It seems to me that a relationship based on honesty and open dialogue can overcome philosophical differences. Can a relationship between people with different dietary needs work? Can a relationship between people with different income levels work? Can a relationship between people of different ethnicities or different religious beliefs work? I think the answer in all cases is "yes" if the people involved are willing to work through the hurdles that appear from time to time (as with any relationship).

Without identifying myself as poly or mono, it seems to me that a relationship can only "work" if the people involved want it to work and continue working on the relationship(s).

i agree too, but do you think that a person that is "wired" for monogamy could ever be happy with someone who is polygamous no matter how honest the parties are?

What i mean is: HYPOTHETICALLY:

If i (being poly) were to tell my partner (who is mono) that i am going out for the evening to meet with another lover i am being honest, even though she would be left to deal with the aftermath of my stepping out.

Could that ever work?

[Mel C.]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

i agree too, but do you think that a person that is "wired" for monogamy could ever be happy with someone who is polygamous no matter how honest the parties are?

What i mean is: HYPOTHETICALLY:

If i (being poly) were to tell my partner (who is mono) that i am going out for the evening to meet with another lover i am being honest, even though she would be left to deal with the aftermath of my stepping out.

Could that ever work?

In the hypothetical scenario described above, it doesn't seem to be about whether someone is poly or mono, but whether someone has an expectation that their partner be poly or mono. If i expect a partner to be mono and they are not, it would probably be an issue. If I expect a partner to be poly and they aren't, it would probably be an issue. Either way, for the relationship to succeed, I imagine the "issues" need to be addressed.

Although "I'm going out to meet a lover" is honest, it doesn't seem very nurturing. I'd like to think that if I was monogamous in a relationship with someone poly, that there would be some discussion and ground rules established for what behaviors are acceptable. Likewise, if I was poly and had a mono partner, I'd like to think that I would treat her in a manner that was respectful at all times.

[Martina]

Yes, if someone can't tolerate you being poly, but wants to be, that is a problem.

But if one party wants to be monogamous and is happy with the other partner being poly -- which I think is the hypothetical -- then I imagine it can work.

My guess is that it would stand the greatest chance of success if the monogamous partner were basically poly, just not interested in more than one relationship at this time.

If a person with no experience of poly were to enter such a relationship as the monogamous partner, I would not give it much chance. But who knows?

[yotlyolqualli]

I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by yotlyolqualli

I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.

That's great that you allowed yourself the freedom to explore that option, now you know it's just not going to work for your relationships.

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by yotlyolqualli

I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.

Well, I'm sorry to say, the person/people who accused you of all of those things is/are probably not worth having in your life. You know yourself. That's more than most people can say. Stay true to yourself.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by yotlyolqualli

I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.

See this is what i mean by *could that ever work*

People often think or try to be with someone who is Poly, but when the time comes that they take another lover, they realize they are just not cut out for it.
Nothing wrong with that. Can't blame someone for exploring and not living something that they are not OK with.

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by yotlyolqualli

I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.

ditto. yaay poly happiness for anyone else. not so much for me.

i had a similar experience decades ago. only difference was that i was jealous and immature and insecure. the person making the accusation was a cheating asshat of the gold medal Olympian variety but that didnt make it any less true that i was also jealous and immature and insecure. i think a poly/mono relationship can work because there's no way *i* can say that they cant. blanket statements make my eyebrows go all twitchy. with that on the record, i know that *i* still dont have the emotional maturity it takes to be poly or to be in a relationship with someone who is.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

i agree too, but do you think that a person that is "wired" for monogamy could ever be happy with someone who is polygamous no matter how honest the parties are?

What i mean is: HYPOTHETICALLY:

If i (being poly) were to tell my partner (who is mono) that i am going out for the evening to meet with another lover i am being honest, even though she would be left to deal with the aftermath of my stepping out.

Could that ever work?

I'm going to take a wild guess that these things would be discussed wayyyy before they arise. If they are happening and it's a SURPRISE!! then I can see where there is gonna be an issue and feelers are gonna be hurt, maybe that's where it goes wrong that people aren't 100% honest with one another.

[Mel C.]

Originally Posted by Mel C.

I appreciate the comments made thus far. It seems to me that a relationship based on honesty and open dialogue can overcome philosophical differences. Can a relationship between people with different dietary needs work? Can a relationship between people with different income levels work? Can a relationship between people of different ethnicities or different religious beliefs work? I think the answer in all cases is "yes" if the people involved are willing to work through the hurdles that appear from time to time (as with any relationship).

Without identifying myself as poly or mono, it seems to me that a relationship can only "work" if the people involved want it to work and continue working on the relationship(s).

I still believe my original post. I'd like to add that I think it takes a lot of self security in the mono partner (with nurturing from the poly partner) to keep the green eyed monster from becoming a problem.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Mel C.

I still believe my original post. I'd like to add that I think it takes a lot of self security in the mono partner (with nurturing from the poly partner) to keep the green eyed monster from becoming a problem.

Oh yes the green eyed monster has already come out, but not on my end. I agree it takes alot of self security and nurturing.

[MitchM42]

I am poly and my wife is....kind of mono. Meaning...she has my permission to act on her desires if a situation comes up and she would like to. This has happened only once in the time we've been together. We are two VERY different creatures. For her, a mental attraction must be there. For me, it's all about the physical. We decided when we started dating 7 yrs ago that we would never make each other feel caged. She is simply not comfortable satisfying some of my sexual cravings. So I have others meet those needs. I do not desire to have another full on relationship. My heart belongs to my wife. I must also add that we discussed how this would work at length and have revised our rules along the way. At first she wanted to know the when, where and how's of my activities. She has now decided she doesn't want to know. I respect that and I will answer any questions she has should they come up.

[kittygrrl]

"The beginning is the most important part of the work"

it applies...

[BullDog]

As a completely monogamous person, the issue of why being with a poly person would not work for me really doesn't have anything to do with jealousy. I don't consider myself to be a jealous person. I won't be with someone unless I trust them 100%. I don't worry about anything going on when she is out doing things on her own, and I am very happy for my partner (when I have one) to have her own interests and close relationships with family members and friends. But when it comes to our relationship, I am solely focused on her, and I want her to be solely focused on me. That would be completely compromised for me if I was with a poly person, and it is much too great of a compromise for what I value in a relationship for it to work for me. So, I do not date or partner with poly people, but it has nothing to do with jealousy.

I think it would be rare for a poly/mono to work, and I don't think jealousy is the core of the issue. To me jealousy is rather petty no matter what your orientation is. I think both poly and monogamous people can be jealous, and jealousy can definitely wreak havoc with monogamous, poly, or poly/mono relationships.

What I want in a relationship is based on much more fundamental values than that, and I am assuming it is for other people as well - for both mono and poly people. I think that is the question a person would need to answer for themselves if they were getting involved with someone who is different on the poly or mono aspect of things - whether the relationship would meet their core values and needs. If poly/mono works for some people that is great. And poly/poly relationships that work for people, that's great too. It's just not for me.

[JDeere]

Bump bump.

It takes two to make a thing right, it takes two to make it out of sight. Busts a move in the thread to get it jumping.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I'm often hesitant on posting in poly threads due to the stigma that comes along with being perceived as a sexual starved cat in heat.

Weatherboi and I had that very discussion before my participation in this thread. It seems when the word poly is attached in any manner it is assumed that it's about sex, it's about selfishness, perversity(not the good kind) carelessness and all around negative. I'm glad this was brought up!

ME TOO. i cannot speak for my Syr (of COURSE!) but i am sure she would agree that the work that comes along with balancing a household cannot possibly be compensated by the sexual perks of it all.

We are all in it for the kinship, not for the Hot Monkey Sex.