Can a poly/mono work?

[boobookitty]

My primary relationship partner is mono, our relationship has been in place since 1997. Without a marriage license. When I make a promise and a comitment, I mean it.

[yotlyolqualli]

It never worked for me. I am monogamous and have always made that clear.

[girl_dee]

so could you be with someone who is Poly?

[yotlyolqualli]

No. I tried and while on paper it sounded doable, in actuality, it tore me down, apart and asunder.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by yotlyolqualli

No. I tried and while on paper it sounded doable, in actuality, it tore me down, apart and asunder.

yes that is such a good point, it all sounds great until you try to live it. No one can explain what it would be like, you have to live it.

[Martina]

I think this thread is asking about whether someone who is poly can be with someone who is basically monogamous long term, meaning one of them does not have connections outside the relationship.

I may sound like I am policing this thread. I am not. What I am doing is speaking as a poly person. We can't seem to have a discussion without people coming in and saying, OMG, I could never DO that. I am an ethical person. It's not in my nature to do THAT.

[girl_dee]

i think many people think they can live this lifestyle, then try it and realize wow that is not for them. Like someone said it looks good on paper.

i like when they share that experience.

What i get sick of is hearing how GOOD Syr must has it with two wives. We don't have orgies or kinkfests around here.. what we have is a family and when one is struggling we all struggles. Syr also has two (three if you count the boi) sets of problems to help us solve, relationships to maintain and spread herself amongst us all.

People don't look past the sexual aspect of it. That is a GREAT part of it but there is SO much more to maintaining this lifestyle than people who have not tried it can imagine.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Martina

I think this thread is asking about whether someone who is poly can be with someone who is basically monogamous long term, meaning one of them does not have connections outside the relationship.

I may sound like I am policing this thread. I am not. What I am doing is speaking as a poly person. We can't seem to have a discussion without people coming in and saying, OMG, I could never DO that. I am an ethical person. It's not in my nature to do THAT.

I'm often hesitant on posting in poly threads due to the stigma that comes along with being perceived as a sexual starved cat in heat.

Weatherboi and I had that very discussion before my participation in this thread. It seems when the word poly is attached in any manner it is assumed that it's about sex, it's about selfishness, perversity(not the good kind) carelessness and all around negative. I'm glad this was brought up!

[Mel C.]

I appreciate the comments made thus far. It seems to me that a relationship based on honesty and open dialogue can overcome philosophical differences. Can a relationship between people with different dietary needs work? Can a relationship between people with different income levels work? Can a relationship between people of different ethnicities or different religious beliefs work? I think the answer in all cases is "yes" if the people involved are willing to work through the hurdles that appear from time to time (as with any relationship).

Without identifying myself as poly or mono, it seems to me that a relationship can only "work" if the people involved want it to work and continue working on the relationship(s).

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Mel (aka BlistexLez)

I appreciate the comments made thus far. It seems to me that a relationship based on honesty and open dialogue can overcome philosophical differences. Can a relationship between people with different dietary needs work? Can a relationship between people with different income levels work? Can a relationship between people of different ethnicities or different religious beliefs work? I think the answer in all cases is "yes" if the people involved are willing to work through the hurdles that appear from time to time (as with any relationship).

Without identifying myself as poly or mono, it seems to me that a relationship can only "work" if the people involved want it to work and continue working on the relationship(s).

i agree too, but do you think that a person that is "wired" for monogamy could ever be happy with someone who is polygamous no matter how honest the parties are?

What i mean is: HYPOTHETICALLY:

If i (being poly) were to tell my partner (who is mono) that i am going out for the evening to meet with another lover i am being honest, even though she would be left to deal with the aftermath of my stepping out.

Could that ever work?

[Mel C.]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

i agree too, but do you think that a person that is "wired" for monogamy could ever be happy with someone who is polygamous no matter how honest the parties are?

What i mean is: HYPOTHETICALLY:

If i (being poly) were to tell my partner (who is mono) that i am going out for the evening to meet with another lover i am being honest, even though she would be left to deal with the aftermath of my stepping out.

Could that ever work?

In the hypothetical scenario described above, it doesn't seem to be about whether someone is poly or mono, but whether someone has an expectation that their partner be poly or mono. If i expect a partner to be mono and they are not, it would probably be an issue. If I expect a partner to be poly and they aren't, it would probably be an issue. Either way, for the relationship to succeed, I imagine the "issues" need to be addressed.

Although "I'm going out to meet a lover" is honest, it doesn't seem very nurturing. I'd like to think that if I was monogamous in a relationship with someone poly, that there would be some discussion and ground rules established for what behaviors are acceptable. Likewise, if I was poly and had a mono partner, I'd like to think that I would treat her in a manner that was respectful at all times.

[Martina]

Yes, if someone can't tolerate you being poly, but wants to be, that is a problem.

But if one party wants to be monogamous and is happy with the other partner being poly -- which I think is the hypothetical -- then I imagine it can work.

My guess is that it would stand the greatest chance of success if the monogamous partner were basically poly, just not interested in more than one relationship at this time.

If a person with no experience of poly were to enter such a relationship as the monogamous partner, I would not give it much chance. But who knows?

[yotlyolqualli]

I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

i agree too, but do you think that a person that is "wired" for monogamy could ever be happy with someone who is polygamous no matter how honest the parties are?

What i mean is: HYPOTHETICALLY:

If i (being poly) were to tell my partner (who is mono) that i am going out for the evening to meet with another lover i am being honest, even though she would be left to deal with the aftermath of my stepping out.

Could that ever work?

I'm going to take a wild guess that these things would be discussed wayyyy before they arise. If they are happening and it's a SURPRISE!! then I can see where there is gonna be an issue and feelers are gonna be hurt, maybe that's where it goes wrong that people aren't 100% honest with one another.

[Mel C.]

Originally Posted by Mel C.

I appreciate the comments made thus far. It seems to me that a relationship based on honesty and open dialogue can overcome philosophical differences. Can a relationship between people with different dietary needs work? Can a relationship between people with different income levels work? Can a relationship between people of different ethnicities or different religious beliefs work? I think the answer in all cases is "yes" if the people involved are willing to work through the hurdles that appear from time to time (as with any relationship).

Without identifying myself as poly or mono, it seems to me that a relationship can only "work" if the people involved want it to work and continue working on the relationship(s).

I still believe my original post. I'd like to add that I think it takes a lot of self security in the mono partner (with nurturing from the poly partner) to keep the green eyed monster from becoming a problem.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Mel C.

I still believe my original post. I'd like to add that I think it takes a lot of self security in the mono partner (with nurturing from the poly partner) to keep the green eyed monster from becoming a problem.

Oh yes the green eyed monster has already come out, but not on my end. I agree it takes alot of self security and nurturing.

[MitchM42]

I am poly and my wife is....kind of mono. Meaning...she has my permission to act on her desires if a situation comes up and she would like to. This has happened only once in the time we've been together. We are two VERY different creatures. For her, a mental attraction must be there. For me, it's all about the physical. We decided when we started dating 7 yrs ago that we would never make each other feel caged. She is simply not comfortable satisfying some of my sexual cravings. So I have others meet those needs. I do not desire to have another full on relationship. My heart belongs to my wife. I must also add that we discussed how this would work at length and have revised our rules along the way. At first she wanted to know the when, where and how's of my activities. She has now decided she doesn't want to know. I respect that and I will answer any questions she has should they come up.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I'm often hesitant on posting in poly threads due to the stigma that comes along with being perceived as a sexual starved cat in heat.

Weatherboi and I had that very discussion before my participation in this thread. It seems when the word poly is attached in any manner it is assumed that it's about sex, it's about selfishness, perversity(not the good kind) carelessness and all around negative. I'm glad this was brought up!

ME TOO. i cannot speak for my Syr (of COURSE!) but i am sure she would agree that the work that comes along with balancing a household cannot possibly be compensated by the sexual perks of it all.

We are all in it for the kinship, not for the Hot Monkey Sex.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by boobookitty

My primary relationship partner is mono, our relationship has been in place since 1997. Without a marriage license. When I make a promise and a comitment, I mean it.

i'm a bit confused about this. Many people are committed to more than one person and it's just as solid and true as a mono relationship. Is your *primary* relationship with someone who is mono your only commitment? What are ya sayin here besides the fact that you are committed to someone who is mono?

[boobookitty]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

i'm a bit confused about this. Many people are committed to more than one person and it's just as solid and true as a mono relationship. Is your *primary* relationship with someone who is mono your only commitment? What are ya sayin here besides the fact that you are committed to someone who is mono?

I understood the thread to be asking can a poly- have a relationship with a mono and 'it work' My primary is mono, I am poly, the relaionship is at 15 years and counting.... I have had relationships (with in that 15 years) with others who are also mono... the longest so far has been about a year and a 1/2... we are still friends and talk several times a week.

I like to build relationships, I do not like just screwing around. I don't mind being the 'experiment' for someone who is curious, or the 'special friend' of a married woman or is or isn't out... I am a safe date for woman who are not out. but I don't have sex just because its offered. ... but I will if I want to.