FTM place to vent and talk

[alexri]

I am thinking more and more about a physical transition.

I have been self-identifying as male for long over a year now. It was something I didn't even think to do. I realize it's been there all along; I just didn't name it/own it.

I've thought about gender issues for many years now; my gender book library/reading/research goes back 10 years to college days. Kate Bornstein was a hero in college. But it never dawned on me that I could be a trans person until last year. It's almost like how it never dawned on me that I could be gay until college and someone talked to me about it. Now this is not me saying that someone else suggested this or dropped the ideas in my head. It was more working out the concepts. It's tied to having a very white, sheltered, catholic school upbringing. I had no idea what homosexuality was until I was 19 and in college. Seriously. I had no idea what trans people were until my late 20s. I just didn't know.

I can look back and see so many patterns and signs that were obvious in my life, but I just didn't know what they meant. I subconsciously shut so many things out, blocked so many thoughts, and now they are all coming back.

Flash back to a child who always played with trucks, legos and balls, and when given dolls, threw them away, or hung them from trees in the back yard. A child who was an outcast on the playground because of a desire to play in the sandbox/playground and not play with dolls or girls. A child who despised makeup, girly stuff, fashions, purses, etc. A child who cried at the though of having to wear a dress. A child who cried when a period started and to this day cringes or cries when it comes close. Someone who has known since a young age that there's no maternal instinct. Someone who was always chosen to play the father/dad in house, because it was right. Someone who wanted to emulate the men in movies and tv, and never the women.

Flash back to someone who covered his bedroom door with pictures of girls he had crushes on (celebrities) and cut up the pictures of the cute girls in the school yearbooks to stare at them. I'm the guy who had pictures of girls hidden under New Kids of the Block posters. As a child I wrote all the hot female celebrities through Teen Beat magazine; when they responded and sent photos, I ripped them up and threw them away because I felt ashamed about the feelings I had.

I can remember sitting in the car with my father, crying, asking him what was wrong with me, and why I wasn't like all the other girls. He had no response. I wonder if he knew. Or if he was denying it himself too.

See someone who spent most of youth alone, without seeing friends, having people over, because I never fit in. I was never invited to sleepovers. All the girls knew I was different. Someone who buried life in textbooks and extracurricular activities to avoid thinking about other things. And then, continued this trait in adult life, with work, food, and later, exercise/races, to avoid dealing with things.

Flash back to someone who had a lot of promiscuous sex with guys as a minor, because, "I was supposed to enjoy this.." "maybe it's just the wrong person..." before realizing I was attracted to women in college, despite having so many crushes and fantasies about girls (in school and on tv) for so long.

I can remember having dreams and fantasies growing up about a guy with no head making love to women. I didn't realize it was me.

I always despised wearing dresses or my school uniform. As soon as I got home from school that uniform skirt came off and was on the floor of my closet it. I hated it. I also wore as long of a skirt as I could, below my knees, to not expose my body. For seven years of grammar school and high school, as far as I can remember, I wore shorts or boxers under my skirt to feel normal. Clothes shopping used to make me cry, especially when I had to dress up for an event like an interview.

In grammar school I can remember being teased by the other girls, being called a lesbian and a tomboy, though I had no idea what it was. I just knew it was something bad because I was being laughed at. We'd be in gym and we'd be changing back into our school uniforms, and I'd take my top right off in front of everyone, not caring, seeing my chest as a chest, until other girls covered my body for me, and told me I needed a bra. I hated that stupid bra.

Once my female body developed, as far back as I can remember, I have always worn baggy, oversized clothing to hide curves and breasts. I've been wearing men's clothing for 20 years. I can remember getting ready for school in high school and just bursting into tears because I hated what I saw in the mirror. And I did the same in my adult life too. I can honestly say I believe I have sclerosis in my back (spine curled forward) because I've spent most of my life subconsciously hiding breasts with bad posture.

My whole life I have cringed and shriveled whenever anyone used works to describe me like "young lady," "beautiful," etc. At a young age, even at the grammar school level, I can recall hating my name. I lived with a nickname for a lot of high school and most of college. I've hated saying my first name at every job I've had when answering the phone, to the point where I really don't say it at all unless I have to. When I have been sired I've been overjoyed.

At the gym, I see the guys there. I don't want them. I want to look like them. I see the females that are in shape, and I don't want to look like them. I imagine what it would be like to have a muscular, flat chest, with pecs, not breasts.

If I had known one could transition, change genders, earlier in life... if I had only known... perhaps I would be more brave than I am now.

I watched a youtube video of a trans man last night talking about trans regret. He said he had lived as a woman for 40 years, and could probably have lived that way for another 40 years, but ultimately wanted to be himself. I've seen the stories of people who did regret transition, but based on what I have read and saw, my gutt tells me they were not trans in the first place, and that something else was going on.

I don't know what to do at this point. I have seen counselors. I have been a part of several local and national trans groups for the past year; meeting with people in person and online. I've talked to people who regretted their transition. I talked to people whose lives have become so much better. I feel so much more at home with these trans groups.

In the past I've gone to lesbian bars and women's clubs/organizations in the past and I never felt comfortable or that I belonged. I've never felt right calling myself a lesbian. I just didn't know what I was yet.

I know the reality of my family. It will never be accepted. They are die-hard, roman catholic, etc. They never accepted me dating women.

I feel stuck. Sometimes I feel like I can keep going like this, like I can keep living in the shell I was born into. I can think of it just being my soul/essence in the wrong body. I think I can manage. Then there are the times that I can understand and appreciate all those that said their life came down to "change or die." I have the speech I would say to my coworkers in my head. I recite it when I run/train. There are days where it does not phase me to use the women's room at work or a restaurant. There are days where I mentally block out the "wo" on the sign. Then there are the days where I absolutely need to go use the gender neutral bathroom at work.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid it's the wrong decision. I fear transitioning will not make me happy. I fear rejection. I fear regret. I hear the stories of friends and trans people denied jobs or housing because of who they are. I understand that when life changes, we lose things, but we often gain so much more. I also see the stories of those who say they are so much better off. I know transitioning is not a magic wand to fix everything wrong with you. I know it's not the end.

I think the best explanation I have heard from someone who transitioned is that in his past life as a female, he felt disconnected, like he was just going through the motions of life, living until the day (as a female) she'd die. I can understand that. There were times of depression, low times, high times. I totally get the feeling of being disconnected, never feeling like I belong in the time and place I am in. That's often how I felt, and how I can still feel now.

I know when people ask you what you want to do for a career, they'll ask you what you'd be doing if money weren't an issue. Then when you have that passion in your head, they say, go after it, figure out how to make it work, and don't settle. I can see the same with transition. If you had a magic wand that would make me transition right now, I'd say yes, absolutely use it. But the reality is that there is no magic wand.

I am just... scared.

Sorry for the long vent. I just know some of you will understand.