What is Forgiveness?

[TruTexan]

From a place of deep hurt, wounds, and sorrow. It's been a long, long many years that there are people I still need to forgive for hurting me and it's so damn hard. I've accepted things that happened, but I've never been told the words "I'm sorry" or asked to forgive them, for the pain they caused me that wounded me so deeply. I'm learning through music, to let go of the pain, because it's long over due.

Forgiveness is letting go of that pain; and I don't think I was ever really ready to let go until now. It's time, it's been decades, and it's way over due. Time to let go and be still and know that forgiving doesn't mean they asked for it. It needs to just come from me, from a deep place of letting go, and it doesn't I won't remember.

[*Anya*]

To me, forgiveness is choosing to move on from whatever hurt or pain that you felt at another point in your life; that is still keeping you tied to the past.

In the words of Ram Dass: Be here now.

It is kind of impossible to be in the present when part of you is still dragging the past with you.

It has been the hardest of all of the pain I have borne, to forgive my parents. Sometimes I think that I just don't want to or can't forgive them. I know that it would be better for me as a person, if I did.

Part of me thinks I still have time to deal with it but I am not getting any younger and neither are they.

[imperfect_cupcake]

For me to forgive a loan is to no longer expect payment from the person who owes money.

So I apply that to emotional "debt"
To forgive someone means I no longer want them to do things to make up for what they have done. I forgive their debt to me for damages.

There are things in life that I'm just not going to "get over" and accepting that has helped me accept I won't able to change the damage or scar. It helps me lower my expectations of myself and accept and work around.

In the body, when things get damaged, the body comes up with alternative routes and solutions to work. And that's the way I see it in terms of emotional scaring. I'm never going to get over my brother dying. That's not a realistic expectation. I have learned to accept it and live with it, which give me more peace.
I'm never going to get over the damage my other brother caused. I've forgiven him in terms of his debt to me. I want nothing from him. But I e also come to terms that I won't forgive the past damage. I've tried and it's only hurt me more, to force that on myself. It's ok to not forgive. I can heal without it. I have healed the best of my psyches ability without it and it's pretty good. I expect some scar tissue.

I forgive my exwife the debt she owes me for her actions. But I can't forgive her cruelty, emotionally. That's ok. I have tried over the past four years, and it's just going to be one of those things I'm just not going to be able to get past with her. I care about her, I hope she's happy and I'm good with occasional three times a year updates and hello. But I won't ever be able to trust her, and because I can't trust her it means I don't forgive her in the sense of "wiping the slate clean."

I personally don't think that's possible and I also think that's a stupid idea, considering her track record.

I don't need to forgive her to that extent. Nor do I need to forgive anyone to that extent.

I may be presently crabby with school stress, but my life is the most peaceful it's ever been in my entire experience. So I don't think forgiveness beyond the forgiveness of debit is necessary to be content in life.

[Kätzchen]

I too struggle with the notion of forgiveness. Moreover, I don't think I even subscribe to the notion of forgiveness. And here is why I don't (although I used to):


I think anyone, myself included, can make a conscious decision to accept or not accept situations that do not have our best interests at heart. Being able to say to myself (rhetorical proposition, example), "Am I going to accept x-y-z sets of behavior ? (Absolutely not, if it does not serve my best interest),"

Setting myself free from the social construction of the notion that forgiveness is the answer has liberated from the burden of taking on sh*t that belongs wholly on the perpetrator of such stuff . I can only own my self, my choices, my behaviors, my decisions, which my goal is to act with responsibility that privileges my best interests, with latitude for the best interest of another.

I have more thoughts about this kind of issue because it's not an easy subject to untangle.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

I too struggle with the notion of forgiveness. Moreover, I don't think I even subscribe to the notion of forgiveness. And here is why I don't (although I used to):


I think anyone, myself included, can make a conscious decision to accept or not accept situations that do not have our best interests at heart. Being able to say to myself (rhetorical proposition, example), "Am I going to accept x-y-z sets of behavior ? (Absolutely not, if it does not serve my best interest),"

Setting myself free from the social construction of the notion that forgiveness is the answer has liberated from the burden of taking on sh*t that belongs wholly on the perpetrator of such stuff . I can only own my self, my choices, my behaviors, my decisions, which my goal is to act with responsibility that privileges my best interests, with latitude for the best interest of another.

I have more thoughts about this kind of issue because it's not an easy subject to untangle.

Completely understand. And ultimately agree. It was a revelation to have a counselour tell me "you don't need to forgive someone to heal." I let go of so much stuff when I learned that. And I think I did actually really start getting better knowing I didn't have to forgive. That my anger was something that wouldn't harm me and was valid and wasn't poison.

I learned that all my emotions were valid and healthy and there for a reason. That forgiveness is what is needed in order to have continuing relationships with people. I agree with that. But acceptance is all I need to have if I no longer want one.

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Completely understand. And ultimately agree. It was a revelation to have a counselour tell me "you don't need to forgive someone to heal." I let go of so much stuff when I learned that. And I think I did actually really start getting better knowing I didn't have to forgive. That my anger was something that wouldn't harm me and was valid and wasn't poison.

I learned that all my emotions were valid and healthy and there for a reason. That forgiveness is what is needed in order to have continuing relationships with people. I agree with that. But acceptance is all I need to have if I no longer want one.

That was the turning point for me too, learning that my emotions, feelings, and thoughts, were valid responses, that I didn't need to forgive someone in order to heal. I think that is wonderful that a counselor advised you in that way.

I think what led me to the same realization, the slow process of coming to a similar understanding as you, was through the many people who have been in my life over the years; the way they have nurtured me throughout my own process of coming to a place where I can release and let go (which, in my mind, is not the same as the concept of forgiveness) and know that I can make choices that will help me in my own life.

I think it's an important discovery to know that we don't need to forgive in order to heal. Thank you for articulating that insight.

[girl_dee]

I just read about a way to reframe forgiveness so that its easier to move on.

"Forgiveness is accepting that the outcome could be anything different"


I need to work on this.