Prenuptial Agreements. Anyone have one? Anyone who would consider one if they married?

kittygrrl · 01-01-2016, 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Because I may trust who the person is as they are, but shit happens to people. And sometimes trauma, or severe injuries, or unknown/unforeseen shit can change people into people you no longer recognize. I've seen it happen. Stuff you'd never guess would ever happen to someone, happens. And it changes someone. And suddenly they are gone. And then the person they are now with convinces them to take half of what's yours. You have no idea.

It's not about trust. It's about not being naive that life doesn't do surprising things that change us. I've watched nervous break downs, brain cancer, deaths, new and sudden addictions, midlife crisis etc these are all things that have deeply changed people I know and put them through divorces.

Granted, Cupcake and if previous experience makes you doubtful you should do whatever you need to do. But if it's just a legal license to fuck, why would it be needed in the first place? If you view marriage as a business arrangement, I don't see the value in entering into one. Have an exclusive relationship and enjoy each other as needed without the entanglements marriage involves. Far simpler and enjoyable if you want the benefits without the risk and responsibilities.

MsTinkerbelly · 01-01-2016, 11:29 AM

Part of this entire conversation is borne of marriage coming to us only recently.

We have spent so many years in relationships that were not seen as valid; where it was actually not in our best interests to combine money due to how easy it was to slide into and out of being together, that IMO most of us are not sure how to do "ours".

My grandparents, parents, sister....they never gave a thought to combining resources and building a life together. In their world, pre-nups were for the wealthy combining family fortunes, or one person being very wealthy and one not so much. In their world money was combined, houses were jointly bought and plans were made for the future.

We have the type of financial arrangement that we are comfortable with...we combine everything. If this relationship ends, I want it to be messy and hard to get out of! I know that sounds odd, but we both promised forever...and I wouldn't have married her if I thought she would walk away.

The only concession I made to having had a child before coming into the relationship, was to have my 401k divided 50/50 between Amy and Kasey should I pass away before she turned 21. I made my way in life, and my daughter can do the same.

MsTinkerbelly · 12-14-2017, 03:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

Part of this entire conversation is borne of marriage coming to us only recently.

We have spent so many years in relationships that were not seen as valid; where it was actually not in our best interests to combine money due to how easy it was to slide into and out of being together, that IMO most of us are not sure how to do "ours".

My grandparents, parents, sister....they never gave a thought to combining resources and building a life together. In their world, pre-nups were for the wealthy combining family fortunes, or one person being very wealthy and one not so much. In their world money was combined, houses were jointly bought and plans were made for the future.

We have the type of financial arrangement that we are comfortable with...we combine everything. If this relationship ends, I want it to be messy and hard to get out of! I know that sounds odd, but we both promised forever...and I wouldn't have married her if I thought she would walk away.

The only concession I made to having had a child before coming into the relationship, was to have my 401k divided 50/50 between Amy and Kasey should I pass away before she turned 21. I made my way in life, and my daughter can do the same.

Still works for me.

Mel C. · 12-14-2017, 08:10 PM

I've changed my mind on the subject of a prenup. Years ago I would have said that I don't want to enter a relationship that involved a prenup but that was when I was younger and didn't have much in the way of assets. It was also before a domestic partnership and subsequent break-up. Despite having an amicable split, I did spend time thinking about how hard I worked to obtain my assets and that there wasn't a 50/50 input financially so why would there be a 50/50 split when the relationship ended? Today I feel a prenup is necessary. I'd make some assurances that my partner-to-be would walk away with more than she had before the marriage, but not some guarantee to half my assets.

DapperButch · 12-14-2017, 09:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mel C.

I've changed my mind on the subject of a prenup. Years ago I would have said that I don't want to enter a relationship that involved a prenup but that was when I was younger and didn't have much in the way of assets. It was also before a domestic partnership and subsequent break-up. Despite having an amicable split, I did spend time thinking about how hard I worked to obtain my assets and that there wasn't a 50/50 input financially so why would there be a 50/50 split when the relationship ended? Today I feel a prenup is necessary. I'd make some assurances that my partner-to-be would walk away with more than she had before the marriage, but not some guarantee to half my assets.

I think that it is pretty common that the people who don't have much in the way of assets say no to pre-nups while those people who have spent years of sacrifice putting away money for retirement are more open/prefer to have a pre-nup. I am in the second group.

With that said, I can VERY MUCH see myself making sure my ex-partner was "ok" financially when the relationship ended. I am well aware that the majority of Americans do not prepare for retirement, even when they are able to. They will unnecessarily buy a 50 inch TV or a new car, before they will put money into their 401k/403b. It is just the way people operate in this country.

I just bought my second TV. You heard that right. Second TV. I am 47 years old. I only bought one a new one so that I can watch Amazon and Netflix on my television, instead of my computer. My TV wasn't even HD. My microwave is literally 25 years old as of this past August.

If it ain't broke...

I put money away so that I can retire on time. I don't want to lose that ability because a marriage I am in ended. Why in the world should I risk that?

JDeere · 12-15-2017, 12:42 AM

I still stick with my original statement, I will do a pre nup, but it wont be me the one who will be making the decision to sign it, my partner will, IF and that's a huge IF I ever get married.

Esme nha Maire · 12-15-2017, 03:00 AM

I agree with Dapper. Me and my ex were both poor, and are both fundamentally caring types, and fundamentally trusted each other - and still do. However, it was obvious after a while that our relationship was unusually calm and trusting compared to most that we knew. And we didn;t get married - wasn;t allowed back when we first got together.

If I get a partner now, yes, I'd be talking about financial arrangements before marriage simply because I cannot cope with the notion of lawyers etc in an antagonistic situation. Better to have things cut and dried beforehand. Even if I married someone fabulously wealthy (hah!), I wouldn't expect more than enough to see me comfy for the next few years. I also wouldnl't expect any gifts to me to have to be given back. Similarly, I'm barely getting by now - if anyone tried suing me for funds, well, there wouldnt be much point in my trying to carry on, it;d be more struggle than I could cope with.

So yes, a prenup is sensible IMO.

imperfect_cupcake · 01-01-2016, 08:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kittygrrl

Granted, Cupcake and if previous experience makes you doubtful you should do whatever you need to do. But if it's just a legal license to fuck, why would it be needed in the first place? If you view marriage as a business arrangement, I don't see the value in entering into one. Have an exclusive relationship and enjoy each other as needed without the entanglements marriage involves. Far simpler and enjoyable if you want the benefits without the risk and responsibilities.

I'm not quite catching you. I can fuck whomever I want. Hell, I can fuck three people at the same time. Not sure what fucking has to do with it...

Where I live is common law domestic partnerships. That means if you file your taxes as a couple, and you live together for two years, regardless of going through a ceremony or not, in the eyes of the law you are married. That means they can rack up debts for you, take half your stuff, make decisions about your health if you are sick and in hospital and make claims for child support. Amongst other things.

So before moving in with someone here, it's very wise to sign a legal document making things very clear. My mum and her common law partner were deeply in love with each other. My mum didn't want to get married again. But since they lived together 80% of the time and they both had families from previous marriages, they drew up contracts.

Good thing too because he died very suddenly and his family was right there waiting to take half of mums stuff as his. Which they could have done if it wasn't for paper work done up.

Life is far more complicated with unseen or unrealized angles outside your own box.

ProfPacker · 01-01-2016, 09:04 PM

I agree with Dapper and cupcake, I think no matter how we feel at the moment or we imagine a "love to be" marriage is a legal contract that protects only certain benefits. We all do not know what life will bring us. It is not a matter of trusting or not trusting one another. There are other people and circumstances that spouses or partners entered into prior to the marriage, their are things and people that we might need to protect and be responsible for prior and even during the marriage.

01-01-2016, 11:29 AM	#2
MsTinkerbelly Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: ... Preferred Pronoun?: ... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ... Posts: 6,573 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,737 Thanked 22,901 Times in 5,017 Posts Rep Power: 0	Part of this entire conversation is borne of marriage coming to us only recently. We have spent so many years in relationships that were not seen as valid; where it was actually not in our best interests to combine money due to how easy it was to slide into and out of being together, that IMO most of us are not sure how to do "ours". My grandparents, parents, sister....they never gave a thought to combining resources and building a life together. In their world, pre-nups were for the wealthy combining family fortunes, or one person being very wealthy and one not so much. In their world money was combined, houses were jointly bought and plans were made for the future. We have the type of financial arrangement that we are comfortable with...we combine everything. If this relationship ends, I want it to be messy and hard to get out of! I know that sounds odd, but we both promised forever...and I wouldn't have married her if I thought she would walk away. The only concession I made to having had a child before coming into the relationship, was to have my 401k divided 50/50 between Amy and Kasey should I pass away before she turned 21. I made my way in life, and my daughter can do the same.

12-14-2017, 08:10 PM	#4
Mel C. Long-time Member How Do You Identify?: WIB - woman identified butch Preferred Pronoun?: Your choice...not really a button for me Relationship Status: ♡ married 1/1/2019♡ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: San Diego Posts: 2,149 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,772 Thanked 6,828 Times in 1,621 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I've changed my mind on the subject of a prenup. Years ago I would have said that I don't want to enter a relationship that involved a prenup but that was when I was younger and didn't have much in the way of assets. It was also before a domestic partnership and subsequent break-up. Despite having an amicable split, I did spend time thinking about how hard I worked to obtain my assets and that there wasn't a 50/50 input financially so why would there be a 50/50 split when the relationship ended? Today I feel a prenup is necessary. I'd make some assurances that my partner-to-be would walk away with more than she had before the marriage, but not some guarantee to half my assets.

12-15-2017, 12:42 AM	#6
JDeere Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Transgender Preferred Pronoun?: He/him/his Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 17,752 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 31,018 Thanked 28,833 Times in 9,708 Posts Rep Power: 21474865	I still stick with my original statement, I will do a pre nup, but it wont be me the one who will be making the decision to sign it, my partner will, IF and that's a huge IF I ever get married.

12-15-2017, 03:00 AM	#7
Esme nha Maire Member How Do You Identify?: Tomboyish eccentric antique femme Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Relationship Status: single Join Date: Jul 2017 Location: UK Posts: 642 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,196 Thanked 2,078 Times in 541 Posts Rep Power: 19310770	I agree with Dapper. Me and my ex were both poor, and are both fundamentally caring types, and fundamentally trusted each other - and still do. However, it was obvious after a while that our relationship was unusually calm and trusting compared to most that we knew. And we didn;t get married - wasn;t allowed back when we first got together. If I get a partner now, yes, I'd be talking about financial arrangements before marriage simply because I cannot cope with the notion of lawyers etc in an antagonistic situation. Better to have things cut and dried beforehand. Even if I married someone fabulously wealthy (hah!), I wouldn't expect more than enough to see me comfy for the next few years. I also wouldnl't expect any gifts to me to have to be given back. Similarly, I'm barely getting by now - if anyone tried suing me for funds, well, there wouldnt be much point in my trying to carry on, it;d be more struggle than I could cope with. So yes, a prenup is sensible IMO.

01-01-2016, 09:04 PM	#9
ProfPacker Member How Do You Identify?: butch/MOC Preferred Pronoun?: Hy/hym/hys but in circumstances like work and some other places she Relationship Status: single Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: nj Posts: 1,365 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,023 Thanked 4,816 Times in 1,187 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	I agree with Dapper and cupcake, I think no matter how we feel at the moment or we imagine a "love to be" marriage is a legal contract that protects only certain benefits. We all do not know what life will bring us. It is not a matter of trusting or not trusting one another. There are other people and circumstances that spouses or partners entered into prior to the marriage, their are things and people that we might need to protect and be responsible for prior and even during the marriage.