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Old 01-08-2016, 07:41 PM   #1
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Originally Posted by Triffid View Post
I seem to have trouble getting past the term, 'booty call 'when discussing this. I know some elder people who were better living apart and still being married and committed to each other after being in the same house raising kids etc for years. To them it was more about keeping vows and not pulling out an axe like Jack in The Shining. The one benefit I can see to not moving in together is keeping that infant relationship feeling of always wanting to be together going longer. That lusting thing. But in my humble opinion, a relationship like that isn't capable of moving forward past a certain point. In the other case of having lived together first then deciding to Lat, to me that just cries we want the sex, but we don't like your living habits. Hence the term booty call. Which leads eventually to the friend zone if one or both parties decide they don't want the intimacy anymore. I guess maybe it depends on whether you are in the canoe with both feet or half in seeing if the other person will capsize you.
Sorry you are having trouble... If you are someone INTO the dynamic, what would be your ideal set up?

If you aren't there are actually oodles of places to say that it's not a real committed relationship or there's something lacking. Maybe you can go have that particular conversation there?
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Old 01-08-2016, 08:43 PM   #2
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Personally, I like the idea. I have a lot of ocd tendencies and I like my stuff a certain way. Plus, let's face it, no matter how much you love someone, sometimes you need some time apart. When I was with my last girlfriend, I would leave for a week at a time just to get some destress time. Of course, she wasn't happy about it. I had suggested that we stop living together and she'd absolutely refused. I think if we had not lived together, we would have been much happier. We still would have split up, but I think it would have lasted longer and not had so much drama at the end.
Perfect scenario for me: A long term mostly monogamous relationship with someone who I would consider to be my best friend, living a few miles or so apart. (Mostly monogamous for me means monogamous with some negotiable freaky shit on the side. But, that's another subject.)
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Old 01-08-2016, 08:54 PM   #3
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Well, I've always enjoyed long term relationships in my 20s in the same neighbourhood as myself. I never had to live with anyone because they were within walking distance. I could see them every day if I wanted and often did. But never spent every night with them. I always had my own room in a shared house with friends to return to.

It was only when I moved to dyke reslationships that the expectation to live together no matter what came into play.

My flatmate now is married, has been for 8 years. Her wife lives within 20 min walking distance. They spend 5 out of seven nights together. Neither have a car.

Ideally, I'd like to live in the same apartment building, but different floor.
They have their place the way they like, set to it as they see fit. I do the same for mine. I'm not their house wife, they aren't responsible for fixing stuff in my flat or cooking for me.

But we are close enough to pop over for meals, sleep overs, coffee, and keeping seperate space isn't a pain of tracking back and forth. I'm not on the same floor so I don't have to worry I don't have me space where I can't go to the corner store withut her making a mental note of it or can ask me who my friend was at my door at 10pm last night. I like having my girl mates over for cocktails. I don't like people keeping tabs on me when I do or not. I like my me time to be mine and not for the scrutiny of partners. Way too many controlling partners in my past.

I also wouldn't mind if they had a house in the country, maybe up to 90 minutes away. That's way we both have a vacation home from our lives best lived. I have long weekends in the woods, she has long weekends of world cuisine, busy sidewalk cafes, burlesque, alternative markets, queer events, alternative cinema, museums and lectures. A city break of big urban fayre.
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Old 01-08-2016, 09:35 PM   #4
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I personally don't think it has anything to do with monogamy or not. I'm personally happy with monogamy (I was married monogamously), monogamish (negotiated exceptions - this has been the majority of my long term relationships), being in a polyfidelity triad (all sexually active with each other and no one else. Been in two of these and I enjoyed them), or being in a polyamorous relationship where I am the primary partner (bit tough for me but I think with the right person I could negotiate it).

What is important to me is my space. My feeling of having a place where I don't have to look after someone, I don't have to oblige anyone, my rules are what govern my space, no one watches my every move from brushing my teeth to what I eat for dinner, and I can ask anyone to leave. Or have a friend or family member over at any time. I don't have to ask if I can put a painting up.

Autonomy. It's so incredibly important to me. I cherish it. My space is a reflexion of this.

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Old 01-08-2016, 09:55 PM   #5
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I love living with my wife, but should I ever be single I would never live with anyone again.

I love my alone time...love having everything in it's place...love eating whatever the heck I choose for my meals. I know that after so many years living with an adult partner I might be lonely at times, but oh how lovely to have silence when I want silence.

Living in the same town would be fine, but I would prefer next time for it to be 3-5 hours distance so time together would need to be planned.

I bet you're surprised!
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Old 01-09-2016, 01:50 AM   #6
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I would like to live in the same house but maintain different rooms. I think being able to have alone time regularly is healthy for me, but I don't want two different houses for financial and familial reasons. I'd rather us not maintain two different rents or mortgages in the same city. And the familial reason is that I might want kids in the future, so that necessitates living in the same home.
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Old 01-09-2016, 04:55 AM   #7
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Of course. If you are running a farm together or you both love raising and caring for rescue dogs or you want to raise kids (though my parents did it separately and most of my friends do as well) and cohabitation is wanted.

many people have their own room in a larger house. Their own den or craft room.

I can afford my own place. I'll share with flat mates till I can. All I want is a little apartment of my own. The mortgage for that is very reasonable where I live. I'll even be happy wth a studio apt if it's set up exactly as I like. My friends with kids who keep seperate homes have small two bedroom apartments, some with bunk beds.

If you want a four bedroom house, then no, two places isn't feasible.

But this is Living *Apart* in a committed relationship. Most of us who want LAT, have no desire to live in a big family home, nor any reason to. Or they are 65 and paid it off.

LAT sees being seperate as a non-negotiable. I'd rather pay an extra 300 a month for my own studio and be independant in a place I want to live than have a bigger house in a cheaper area and have to share my space.

These are not unreasonable for someone who *wants* and *desires* a LAT relationship.
And that's what I'm asking - for those who *want* an LAT - what kind of scenario would your ideal be.

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Old 01-09-2016, 06:07 AM   #8
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OK. I see maintaing separate living quarters within the same familial home as living apart but together, plus personally relevant to what I want as a 20-something looking to marry and have kids within a "spaced" relationship (as I call it.)

But I can see how that is different than what you are mentioning
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