Living Apart, Together (LAT) A Support Thread

imperfect_cupcake · 01-08-2016, 09:35 PM

I personally don't think it has anything to do with monogamy or not. I'm personally happy with monogamy (I was married monogamously), monogamish (negotiated exceptions - this has been the majority of my long term relationships), being in a polyfidelity triad (all sexually active with each other and no one else. Been in two of these and I enjoyed them), or being in a polyamorous relationship where I am the primary partner (bit tough for me but I think with the right person I could negotiate it).

What is important to me is my space. My feeling of having a place where I don't have to look after someone, I don't have to oblige anyone, my rules are what govern my space, no one watches my every move from brushing my teeth to what I eat for dinner, and I can ask anyone to leave. Or have a friend or family member over at any time. I don't have to ask if I can put a painting up.

Autonomy. It's so incredibly important to me. I cherish it. My space is a reflexion of this.

MsTinkerbelly · 01-08-2016, 09:55 PM

I love living with my wife, but should I ever be single I would never live with anyone again.

I love my alone time...love having everything in it's place...love eating whatever the heck I choose for my meals. I know that after so many years living with an adult partner I might be lonely at times, but oh how lovely to have silence when I want silence.

Living in the same town would be fine, but I would prefer next time for it to be 3-5 hours distance so time together would need to be planned.

I bet you're surprised!

Nattih · 01-09-2016, 01:50 AM

I would like to live in the same house but maintain different rooms. I think being able to have alone time regularly is healthy for me, but I don't want two different houses for financial and familial reasons. I'd rather us not maintain two different rents or mortgages in the same city. And the familial reason is that I might want kids in the future, so that necessitates living in the same home.

imperfect_cupcake · 01-09-2016, 04:55 AM

Of course. If you are running a farm together or you both love raising and caring for rescue dogs or you want to raise kids (though my parents did it separately and most of my friends do as well) and cohabitation is wanted.

many people have their own room in a larger house. Their own den or craft room.

I can afford my own place. I'll share with flat mates till I can. All I want is a little apartment of my own. The mortgage for that is very reasonable where I live. I'll even be happy wth a studio apt if it's set up exactly as I like. My friends with kids who keep seperate homes have small two bedroom apartments, some with bunk beds.

If you want a four bedroom house, then no, two places isn't feasible.

But this is Living *Apart* in a committed relationship. Most of us who want LAT, have no desire to live in a big family home, nor any reason to. Or they are 65 and paid it off.

LAT sees being seperate as a non-negotiable. I'd rather pay an extra 300 a month for my own studio and be independant in a place I want to live than have a bigger house in a cheaper area and have to share my space.

These are not unreasonable for someone who *wants* and *desires* a LAT relationship.
And that's what I'm asking - for those who *want* an LAT - what kind of scenario would your ideal be.

Nattih · 01-09-2016, 06:07 AM

OK. I see maintaing separate living quarters within the same familial home as living apart but together, plus personally relevant to what I want as a 20-something looking to marry and have kids within a "spaced" relationship (as I call it.)

But I can see how that is different than what you are mentioning

imperfect_cupcake · 01-09-2016, 07:00 AM

Like in the opening post, *most* (tho not all) people who desire LAT are 40+ and are not starting families. Most have been married once or have had at least one very long term committed live in relationship already. Many whom have kids, those kids are adults now or are at least past the point of baby sitter, and not looking for another parent for their kid.

Most people I know in their 20s and early 30s want to live with a partner. Most LATs that I personally know of are 40+, or they are 30+, don't want kids, and after trying to live with people romantically they find it doesn't work for them.

Living apart, together. Not living together with seperate personal space rooms. You still have most of the same issues LATs don't wish to deal with anymore.

So, back on topic...

If you do have an LAT, what things have you modified to help others take your relationship seriously? Public ceremony? Rings?

Or are you past giving a toss about what others may think although it's semi regularly annoying to explain.

What things about LAT that you are really happy and relieved abut that you think makes this kind of relationship more successful than previous ones with shared living?

betruetoyoursoul · 01-09-2016, 07:03 AM

....My preference is living together based on the past...I loved the every day sharing , cuddling, being flirty and silly in the kitchen together ...though we had natural private times in the house as well...There is room enough when we could just be doing our own thing yet in the same dwelling....I have done both....Whatever works for people*S is the important thing....

imperfect_cupcake · 01-09-2016, 07:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by betruetoyoursoul

....My preference is living together based on the past...I loved the every day sharing , cuddling, being flirty and silly in the kitchen together ...though we had natural private times in the house as well...There is room enough when we could just be doing our own thing yet in the same dwelling....I have done both....Whatever works for people*S is the important thing....

Thanks.

If you are interested in HAVING or HAVE an LAT, please join in.

If y u aren't, this thread will be swamped with the majority of non-LAT telling me their opinions on LAT and how it could never work for them. I didn't ask for people's opinions on LAT, I'm asking, very clearly for those interested to please chime in.

I'm just trying to find some like minded folk around LATs. thank you very much for understanding.

imperfect_cupcake · 01-09-2016, 07:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nattih

OK. I see maintaing separate living quarters within the same familial home as living apart but together, plus personally relevant to what I want as a 20-something looking to marry and have kids within a "spaced" relationship (as I call it.)

But I can see how that is different than what you are mentioning

I may have misunderstood- you said room. But now you say living quarters...

If you lived in a seperate suite with your own kitchen and bathroom and entrance in a multi dwelling home, then yes, I would consider that LAT - you'd have you r own bills and your own address and your own taxes.

I miss took having your own rooms as in "I have my own bedroom" or some other personal space room. Please excuse if you meant seperate living quarters (seperate suite).

01-08-2016, 09:35 PM	#1
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I personally don't think it has anything to do with monogamy or not. I'm personally happy with monogamy (I was married monogamously), monogamish (negotiated exceptions - this has been the majority of my long term relationships), being in a polyfidelity triad (all sexually active with each other and no one else. Been in two of these and I enjoyed them), or being in a polyamorous relationship where I am the primary partner (bit tough for me but I think with the right person I could negotiate it). What is important to me is my space. My feeling of having a place where I don't have to look after someone, I don't have to oblige anyone, my rules are what govern my space, no one watches my every move from brushing my teeth to what I eat for dinner, and I can ask anyone to leave. Or have a friend or family member over at any time. I don't have to ask if I can put a painting up. Autonomy. It's so incredibly important to me. I cherish it. My space is a reflexion of this. Last edited by imperfect_cupcake; 01-08-2016 at 09:38 PM.

01-09-2016, 04:55 AM	#4
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Of course. If you are running a farm together or you both love raising and caring for rescue dogs or you want to raise kids (though my parents did it separately and most of my friends do as well) and cohabitation is wanted. many people have their own room in a larger house. Their own den or craft room. I can afford my own place. I'll share with flat mates till I can. All I want is a little apartment of my own. The mortgage for that is very reasonable where I live. I'll even be happy wth a studio apt if it's set up exactly as I like. My friends with kids who keep seperate homes have small two bedroom apartments, some with bunk beds. If you want a four bedroom house, then no, two places isn't feasible. But this is Living Apart in a committed relationship. Most of us who want LAT, have no desire to live in a big family home, nor any reason to. Or they are 65 and paid it off. LAT sees being seperate as a non-negotiable. I'd rather pay an extra 300 a month for my own studio and be independant in a place I want to live than have a bigger house in a cheaper area and have to share my space. These are not unreasonable for someone who wants and desires a LAT relationship. And that's what I'm asking - for those who want an LAT - what kind of scenario would your ideal be. Last edited by imperfect_cupcake; 01-09-2016 at 04:59 AM.

01-09-2016, 07:03 AM	#7
betruetoyoursoul Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She,Her,BabyGirl Relationship Status: On a Beautiful Journey regardless if I am single or coupled! Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Southern California Posts: 1,564 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,942 Thanked 2,397 Times in 1,093 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	....My preference is living together based on the past...I loved the every day sharing , cuddling, being flirty and silly in the kitchen together ...though we had natural private times in the house as well...There is room enough when we could just be doing our own thing yet in the same dwelling....I have done both....Whatever works for people*S is the important thing.... __________________

01-08-2016, 09:55 PM	#2
MsTinkerbelly Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: ... Preferred Pronoun?: ... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ... Posts: 6,573 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,737 Thanked 22,902 Times in 5,017 Posts Rep Power: 0	I love living with my wife, but should I ever be single I would never live with anyone again. I love my alone time...love having everything in it's place...love eating whatever the heck I choose for my meals. I know that after so many years living with an adult partner I might be lonely at times, but oh how lovely to have silence when I want silence. Living in the same town would be fine, but I would prefer next time for it to be 3-5 hours distance so time together would need to be planned. I bet you're surprised!

01-09-2016, 01:50 AM	#3
Nattih Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: May 2010 Location: always on a plane Posts: 174 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 285 Thanked 633 Times in 164 Posts Rep Power: 13046651	I would like to live in the same house but maintain different rooms. I think being able to have alone time regularly is healthy for me, but I don't want two different houses for financial and familial reasons. I'd rather us not maintain two different rents or mortgages in the same city. And the familial reason is that I might want kids in the future, so that necessitates living in the same home.

01-09-2016, 06:07 AM	#5
Nattih Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: May 2010 Location: always on a plane Posts: 174 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 285 Thanked 633 Times in 164 Posts Rep Power: 13046651	OK. I see maintaing separate living quarters within the same familial home as living apart but together, plus personally relevant to what I want as a 20-something looking to marry and have kids within a "spaced" relationship (as I call it.) But I can see how that is different than what you are mentioning

01-09-2016, 07:00 AM	#6
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Like in the opening post, most (tho not all) people who desire LAT are 40+ and are not starting families. Most have been married once or have had at least one very long term committed live in relationship already. Many whom have kids, those kids are adults now or are at least past the point of baby sitter, and not looking for another parent for their kid. Most people I know in their 20s and early 30s want to live with a partner. Most LATs that I personally know of are 40+, or they are 30+, don't want kids, and after trying to live with people romantically they find it doesn't work for them. Living apart, together. Not living together with seperate personal space rooms. You still have most of the same issues LATs don't wish to deal with anymore. So, back on topic... If you do have an LAT, what things have you modified to help others take your relationship seriously? Public ceremony? Rings? Or are you past giving a toss about what others may think although it's semi regularly annoying to explain. What things about LAT that you are really happy and relieved abut that you think makes this kind of relationship more successful than previous ones with shared living?