Living Apart, Together (LAT) A Support Thread

[MsTinkerbelly]

I love living with my wife, but should I ever be single I would never live with anyone again.

I love my alone time...love having everything in it's place...love eating whatever the heck I choose for my meals. I know that after so many years living with an adult partner I might be lonely at times, but oh how lovely to have silence when I want silence.

Living in the same town would be fine, but I would prefer next time for it to be 3-5 hours distance so time together would need to be planned.

I bet you're surprised!

[Nattih]

I would like to live in the same house but maintain different rooms. I think being able to have alone time regularly is healthy for me, but I don't want two different houses for financial and familial reasons. I'd rather us not maintain two different rents or mortgages in the same city. And the familial reason is that I might want kids in the future, so that necessitates living in the same home.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Of course. If you are running a farm together or you both love raising and caring for rescue dogs or you want to raise kids (though my parents did it separately and most of my friends do as well) and cohabitation is wanted.

many people have their own room in a larger house. Their own den or craft room.

I can afford my own place. I'll share with flat mates till I can. All I want is a little apartment of my own. The mortgage for that is very reasonable where I live. I'll even be happy wth a studio apt if it's set up exactly as I like. My friends with kids who keep seperate homes have small two bedroom apartments, some with bunk beds.

If you want a four bedroom house, then no, two places isn't feasible.

But this is Living *Apart* in a committed relationship. Most of us who want LAT, have no desire to live in a big family home, nor any reason to. Or they are 65 and paid it off.

LAT sees being seperate as a non-negotiable. I'd rather pay an extra 300 a month for my own studio and be independant in a place I want to live than have a bigger house in a cheaper area and have to share my space.

These are not unreasonable for someone who *wants* and *desires* a LAT relationship.
And that's what I'm asking - for those who *want* an LAT - what kind of scenario would your ideal be.

[Nattih]

OK. I see maintaing separate living quarters within the same familial home as living apart but together, plus personally relevant to what I want as a 20-something looking to marry and have kids within a "spaced" relationship (as I call it.)

But I can see how that is different than what you are mentioning

[imperfect_cupcake]

Like in the opening post, *most* (tho not all) people who desire LAT are 40+ and are not starting families. Most have been married once or have had at least one very long term committed live in relationship already. Many whom have kids, those kids are adults now or are at least past the point of baby sitter, and not looking for another parent for their kid.

Most people I know in their 20s and early 30s want to live with a partner. Most LATs that I personally know of are 40+, or they are 30+, don't want kids, and after trying to live with people romantically they find it doesn't work for them.

Living apart, together. Not living together with seperate personal space rooms. You still have most of the same issues LATs don't wish to deal with anymore.

So, back on topic...

If you do have an LAT, what things have you modified to help others take your relationship seriously? Public ceremony? Rings?

Or are you past giving a toss about what others may think although it's semi regularly annoying to explain.

What things about LAT that you are really happy and relieved abut that you think makes this kind of relationship more successful than previous ones with shared living?

[betruetoyoursoul]

....My preference is living together based on the past...I loved the every day sharing , cuddling, being flirty and silly in the kitchen together ...though we had natural private times in the house as well...There is room enough when we could just be doing our own thing yet in the same dwelling....I have done both....Whatever works for people*S is the important thing....

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by betruetoyoursoul

....My preference is living together based on the past...I loved the every day sharing , cuddling, being flirty and silly in the kitchen together ...though we had natural private times in the house as well...There is room enough when we could just be doing our own thing yet in the same dwelling....I have done both....Whatever works for people*S is the important thing....

Thanks.

If you are interested in HAVING or HAVE an LAT, please join in.

If y u aren't, this thread will be swamped with the majority of non-LAT telling me their opinions on LAT and how it could never work for them. I didn't ask for people's opinions on LAT, I'm asking, very clearly for those interested to please chime in.

I'm just trying to find some like minded folk around LATs. thank you very much for understanding.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Here is a new film, a documentary, being made by a friend of a friend.
It's called "Apartners" which I believe is also a new term for it. She says on her film site that 25% of all couples in North America have their own room (common) and that 10% of all couples in North America prefer to live apart (that's the old gayer stats no? Maybe more will come out!)

Anyway, here's a link to her film website

http://apartnersthemovie.com/HOME.html

[betruetoyoursoul]

.... My humble apologies...

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Thanks.

If you are interested in HAVING or HAVE an LAT, please join in.

If y u aren't, this thread will be swamped with the majority of non-LAT telling me their opinions on LAT and how it could never work for them. I didn't ask for people's opinions on LAT, I'm asking, very clearly for those interested to please chime in.

I'm just trying to find some like minded folk around LATs. thank you very much for understanding.

[WheatToast]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Thanks.

If you are interested in HAVING or HAVE an LAT, please join in.

If y u aren't, this thread will be swamped with the majority of non-LAT telling me their opinions on LAT and how it could never work for them. I didn't ask for people's opinions on LAT, I'm asking, very clearly for those interested to please chime in.

I'm just trying to find some like minded folk around LATs. thank you very much for understanding.

I'm totally ready for a new LTR, and though I've had a few really nice ones over the years, I've never felt compelled to live with anyone since the early 90's.
I'm so busy with projects, work, friends and community stuff, I think having someone live with me at my house would make me feel neglectful, like I'd have to give up something I enjoy so I could spend time just hanging out with her, then wind up feeling conflicted.
To me, being in a monogamous LTR while living in different homes would be like dating, and that would be exciting. When we'd choose to be together, it would be fun to give each other our undivided attention, and when we'd ask what's new, we'd actually have new stuff to talk about.
At her place, I would never throw my shoes in 'the wrong place' or shave my legs in the living room so I could watch TV. At my place, she would be less likely to go into my studio and use my delicate pens that are only for certain media, then leave the caps off once she finished writing a to do list on some scratchy, pen demolishing paper (Horrors!).
It's not selfish to want alone time, IMHO. In a LTR, I'm sure I'd want to be with her often, especially overnight, but there is something to be said for, "letting the winds of heaven dance between us" at regular intervals.
Great topic!

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Nattih

OK. I see maintaing separate living quarters within the same familial home as living apart but together, plus personally relevant to what I want as a 20-something looking to marry and have kids within a "spaced" relationship (as I call it.)

But I can see how that is different than what you are mentioning

I may have misunderstood- you said room. But now you say living quarters...

If you lived in a seperate suite with your own kitchen and bathroom and entrance in a multi dwelling home, then yes, I would consider that LAT - you'd have you r own bills and your own address and your own taxes.

I miss took having your own rooms as in "I have my own bedroom" or some other personal space room. Please excuse if you meant seperate living quarters (seperate suite).