Caregivers and Stress

[Kelt]

Whew! Taxes.

Just short of a year ago in a huge karmic swipe, my father died on tax day. You had to know him to get that, but to say it was ironic is a major understatement in a Monty Python kind of way...

Today the E-file happened, 7 federal and 2 state tax returns filed and the only one of them that needed a 90 day extension (estate) was also completed. While I'm no accountant, I was the one who rescued the three carloads of paperwork and brought it all back to my place for sorting so that I could spend the last six months looking for and providing the answers to the endless stream of questions from 3 accounting firms.

I can breathe again.

Well, for a month or so anyway. There are other legal things afoot, but for me this was the big day, I couldn't stand the though of a bunch of extensions dragging this out forever and it actually got done!

I know it doesn't really sound like a caregiver stress, but this was background music to a host of issues with my mother's practical needs and the fact that she has both dementia and now cancer too; an interesting mix since she keeps forgetting she has cancer. For the best I suppose. I'm on a learning curve with each passing month or so presenting a new puzzle to solve. What has she forgotten to do? How do I fix that from where I am? Does she even know she forgot how to do something? Or, did she just stop doing it?

I'm incredibly lucky in that I have found some really good "on ground" caregiver help and her RN is in a position to hire and manage other care providers to spot changes and help her with things that need helping with. (An ever changing menu)

I dunno where this is going... I'm just glad the taxes are done and Mom is safe.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Kelt

Whew! Taxes.

Just short of a year ago in a huge karmic swipe, my father died on tax day. You had to know him to get that, but to say it was ironic is a major understatement in a Monty Python kind of way...

Today the E-file happened, 7 federal and 2 state tax returns filed and the only one of them that needed a 90 day extension (estate) was also completed. While I'm no accountant, I was the one who rescued the three carloads of paperwork and brought it all back to my place for sorting so that I could spend the last six months looking for and providing the answers to the endless stream of questions from 3 accounting firms.

I can breathe again.

Well, for a month or so anyway. There are other legal things afoot, but for me this was the big day, I couldn't stand the though of a bunch of extensions dragging this out forever and it actually got done!

I know it doesn't really sound like a caregiver stress, but this was background music to a host of issues with my mother's practical needs and the fact that she has both dementia and now cancer too; an interesting mix since she keeps forgetting she has cancer. For the best I suppose. I'm on a
learning curve with each passing month or so presenting a new puzzle to solve. What has she forgotten to do? How do I fix that from where I am? Does she even know she forgot how to do something? Or, did she just stop doing it?

I'm incredibly lucky in that I have found some really good "on ground" caregiver help and her RN is in a position to hire and manage other care providers to spot changes and help her with things that need helping with. (An ever changing menu)

I dunno where this is going... I'm just glad the taxes are done and Mom is

safe.

You have accomplished so much in a year!

The fact that your mother has been safe and well cared for is nothing short of amazing given your grief, the heavy load of paperwork, new home ownership and the logistical nightmare of doing it all many miles from your mother.

I hope you don't mind, but you are always in my prayers...comfort and strength in all you have to do are my focus.

[dykeumentary]

Eldercare is hard, I imagine spouse/partner care is also really difficult.

[TruTexan]

me, I'm a caregiver to my mom already and now my aunt, since my uncle recently passed away. I'm stressed out big time. my ptsd is running an ugly muckity muck in me. I've been ordered by my therapist to do watercolor painting, even though I suck at artistic abilities, and adult coloring with coloring pencils. I'm not amused by this but I'll give it a good go and hopefully it will help lower my own stress levels from my own crap in my head going on. I go for a heart stress test next week just to be on the safe side of my life. I wanted a full blown check up for blockages due to hereditary issues with cholesterol crap in my arteries. Ok ok I'm shutting up. I haven't posted in a while because I'm not enjoying doing much of anything this past couple months. I hope everyone here is getting the support they need. God Bless ya'll.

[Kelt]

Saw this great little video on PBS Newshour this evening:



I was never around the elderly until my father died and I had to move my mother into an elder community. During and after her move I've had occasion to spend 1-3 weeks at a time there with her, (they have guest suites to let), I always have dinner with her in the dining room at a group of 6 friends table, we walk on the campus trails and bump into neighbors, go to her knitting group to be social, etc...

I've gotten to know many of her friends and neighbors to the point of visiting them as well when I am there.

I'm gaining an appreciation for what is really involved in aging in several different ways. I think this is invaluable information, and as much as I may carp about it sometimes, this time may be the best life lesson gift she could give me.

A little pre-Mother's day thankfulness.

[socialjustice_fsu]

Originally Posted by Kelt

Saw this great little video on PBS Newshour this evening:



I was never around the elderly until my father died and I had to move my mother into an elder community. During and after her move I've had occasion to spend 1-3 weeks at a time there with her, (they have guest suites to let), I always have dinner with her in the dining room at a group of 6 friends table, we walk on the campus trails and bump into neighbors, go to her knitting group to be social, etc...

I've gotten to know many of her friends and neighbors to the point of visiting them as well when I am there.

I'm gaining an appreciation for what is really involved in aging in several different ways. I think this is invaluable information, and as much as I may carp about it sometimes, this time may be the best life lesson gift she could give me.

A little pre-Mother's day thankfulness.

This is so apropos for my situation right now, too. Thank you for sharing this. I had no idea my life would detour this way as I become mom's full time caregiver.

[storyspinner70]

I care for my ex. He's 42, but has had a lot of physical issues as well as mental illness. He was abusive when we were together, and has no one else but a sister who is more mentally ill than he. He has Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, OCD which makes him extremely paranoid, ADHD, dyslexia and a host of physical problems - diabetes and neuropathy because of it, hbp, lesions in his brain more than likely caused by the abuse he suffered as a child, etc, etc, etc. He's on roughly 20 separate medications a day.

Generally speaking, he's mobile and gets along pretty well on his own physically, though he tires easily. He is not very well educated in technology, and his dyslexia makes it hard for him to understand things he reads unless he spends a rather long time at it, so I end up taking care of all his bills and his disability check. He can't even write a check or use the ATM without me with him. He does his own laundry, mows the grass (but can't weed eat), pays for our cell phone bill, helps around the house. So, it's not a one-way street.

It's just so hard to deal with him sometimes. The paranoia especially makes for a lot of frustration. I feel "stuck" with him, because I am. I doubt anyone would be able to deal with him, so can't see him ever moving in with any of his girlfriends. Leaving him with no one to care for him is not an option, either. So here I am.

I'm always thinking how much easier my life would be. I try very hard to be patient and I'm failing. He's a better person than he used to be and is no longer abusive, but the stress of dealing with his mental illnesses gets to me. I get angry with him when I should understand. I found some online support places because I can't afford therapy right now with the monthly price of his medication and me having no insurance, and I need somewhere to work through my issues so I stop taking them out on him. I have times of depression, because he is a lot of what is keeping my butch and I long distance. It's so fucking hard. I love him like a brother and resent the hell out of him at the same time.

Women in my family generally live to or past 100, but all seem to have dementia or alzheimer's. My mother is 68 so hopefully I have plenty of time, but even that hits me sometimes - what would I do caring for both of them?

[dykeumentary]

Originally Posted by socialjustice_fsu

This is so apropos for my situation right now, too. Thank you for sharing this. I had no idea my life would detour this way as I become mom's full time caregiver.

And I sure didn't ever imagine that I would be my mom's caregiver!
I was the least likely of her children to even reach 25 years old, and certainly put as much distance as I could between myself and my family (and they wanted me far away too) back in the 80s.
But here I am.
It's very very difficult.

[Kelt]

Originally Posted by Kelt

Saw this great little video on PBS Newshour this evening:



I was never around the elderly until my father died and I had to move my mother into an elder community. During and after her move I've had occasion to spend 1-3 weeks at a time there with her, (they have guest suites to let), I always have dinner with her in the dining room at a group of 6 friends table, we walk on the campus trails and bump into neighbors, go to her knitting group to be social, etc...

I've gotten to know many of her friends and neighbors to the point of visiting them as well when I am there.

I'm gaining an appreciation for what is really involved in aging in several different ways. I think this is invaluable information, and as much as I may carp about it sometimes, this time may be the best life lesson gift she could give me.

A little pre-Mother's day thankfulness.

She did it!

In the first minute of this video, Flossie asks "Will this go viral?"

Update: As of tonight over 4 million views.

Made me smile big.

[girl_dee]

I am currently trying to arrange to work from home. Iknow my mom will need me during the day soon.

[Kelt]

Originally Posted by Kelt

Whew! Taxes.

Just short of a year ago in a huge karmic swipe, my father died on tax day. You had to know him to get that, but to say it was ironic is a major understatement in a Monty Python kind of way...

Today the E-file happened, 7 federal and 2 state tax returns filed and the only one of them that needed a 90 day extension (estate) was also completed. While I'm no accountant, I was the one who rescued the three carloads of paperwork and brought it all back to my place for sorting so that I could spend the last six months looking for and providing the answers to the endless stream of questions from 3 accounting firms.

I'm incredibly lucky in that I have found some really good "on ground" caregiver help and her RN is in a position to hire and manage other care providers to spot changes and help her with things that need helping with. (An ever changing menu)

Update:

Yeah, letter from the IRS today, nothing worrisome in particular, just a hold up to close the estate. "We're holding your refund until we finish reviewing your tax return." I wonder which one they're talking about.

I am so grateful that the on ground people I have for mom are on the ball. A couple of weeks ago they noticed her surgical site looked weird. I had them take her to the surgeon who was mystified and said it was probably a change in blood flow. OK...

4 days later another caregiver said it was changing and sent a photo to her (private) nurse. He promptly booked/took her to her regular Dr who examined it under UV in a dark room and started her on an antibiotic course. Nobody really knows what's going on, but we're all hoping for "small subcutaneous infection" to be remedied in a few days. We'll see...

I have a yard full of contractors and jury duty in three weeks (which I postponed for the surgery 5 months ago).

Suitcase handy...

[Kelt]

Originally Posted by Kelt

Update:

I am so grateful that the on ground people I have for mom are on the ball. A couple of weeks ago they noticed her surgical site looked weird. I had them take her to the surgeon who was mystified and said it was probably a change in blood flow. OK...

4 days later another caregiver said it was changing and sent a photo to her (private) nurse. He promptly booked/took her to her regular Dr who examined it under UV in a dark room and started her on an antibiotic course. Nobody really knows what's going on, but we're all hoping for "small subcutaneous infection" to be remedied in a few days. We'll see...

Today she thought it looked worse so her RN went to check it himself. Yep, it looks worse, he sent me the pic, we/he decided that with a three day weekend coming up it wouldn't be a good idea to wait for her regular Dr. He took her to ER where they did some bloodwork, x-ray, and general head scratching. Something isn't right but nobody knows what, another heavier round of antibiotics for now. Next week back to surgeon for an exam, maybe a tissue sample or something if no change...

I cannot believe what good luck I have in this RN that I found for her, he coordinates everything, does all hiring and payroll for her other helpers, and on and on. It's 8:45pm where she is and he just called me again to tell me the med change and let me know he had gone to the drugstore and got her started with this first night dose. Her meds are all mail order, so he is really going out of his way to do all these extra things. He also worked in the local hospital for 17 years, the last five in oncology, so he knows the local surgeons, Drs, and all the nursing staff.

I, of course, am stuck here for a bit. I gave up on her attorney and am now working with mine while I work on my own revised will, to set up a game plan for what happens to her if something happens to me. (I'm the only one who knows how all the moving pieces fit together) Week after this next one I have 5 days committed to jury duty. I hope everything holds together for a couple of weeks, or better yet resolves.

The good news is that mom feels fine, not sick or in pain, likely enjoying all the extra attention.

[Chad]

My turn is coming, my mom is 84 and we are working on a plan. I am scared for the years ahead. I am the only surviving member of our family besides mom so it all comes down to me.

[Kelt]

Originally Posted by Chad

My turn is coming, my mom is 84 and we are working on a plan. I am scared for the years ahead. I am the only surviving member of our family besides mom so it all comes down to me.

You're in the same boat I'm in. No help or backup. My mom is also 84. If your mom has friends or a church or something that might be a start.

I'm glad you're working on a plan now, there are more details than you can imagine. I thought my folks had living wills, it turned out to be just pour over wills and asset paths. When my father died last year was when I figured out they had changed things recently, and apparently not finished.

Figure out all you can now before the pressure hits, you'll thank yourself later.

[Chad]

Originally Posted by Kelt

You're in the same boat I'm in. No help or backup. My mom is also 84. If your mom has friends or a church or something that might be a start.

I'm glad you're working on a plan now, there are more details than you can imagine. I thought my folks had living wills, it turned out to be just pour over wills and asset paths. When my father died last year was when I figured out they had changed things recently, and apparently not finished.

Figure out all you can now before the pressure hits, you'll thank yourself later.

Thank you, my mom has a big support group where she is but I have to move her because she lives too far away from me. I wonder how that will effect her quality of life.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Chad

Thank you, my mom has a big support group where she is but I have to move her because she lives too far away from me. I wonder how that will effect her quality of life.

Chad, Kelt lives far from his mom and he has been able to manage it. I am sure he will come in and give you some ideas.

My role in order to "take care" of mom is to NOT move. Like, I no longer see myself as having that choice since we live near each other. My sister is on the other side of the country. Don't feel bad for me though, I like where I live. But, there are also a couple of other places I have fantasized moving to. Also, my sister will be very involved with getting/keeping things set up for mom. I won't be alone in it, even if I lead it.

I don't expect that my mother will ever live with me though. She has a large long term care insurance plan which gives the option for people to come to her house instead of her moving into a facility. She can use her monthly allotted amount however she would like. We hope that unless she has cognitive difficulties that she would be able to stay there until the end.

All of you guys are amazing for what you do for your parents. My hat is off to you. Hang in there.

[Kelt]

Originally Posted by Kelt

Today she thought it looked worse so her RN went to check it himself. Yep, it looks worse, he sent me the pic, we/he decided that with a three day weekend coming up it wouldn't be a good idea to wait for her regular Dr. He took her to ER where they did some bloodwork, x-ray, and general head scratching. Something isn't right but nobody knows what, another heavier round of antibiotics for now. Next week back to surgeon for an exam, maybe a tissue sample or something if no change...

Welp, mom got lots better with the second antibiotics and now this "thing" has taken up a new residence a bit lower. Her nurse took her to the surgeon for the follow up appt scheduled before and he did a core tissue sample on the spot. Now we're back in the wait for pathology bucket again. Nail bitin' time for another week.

It's the waiting that drives ya nuts...

[easygoingfemme]

I need to have this conversation with my parents. They are in their mid 70s and doing great, but anything can happen. We talked about it a bit about 5 years ago when we were tag teaming taking care of my grandmother through her end of life and made some light plans, but everything was so heavy and emotional at that time I'm not sure where they stand now. I am glad, for many reasons, that I had an active role caring for my grandmother during her decline. Stage IV breast cancer, alzheimers, sundowners syndrome. She kept us busy. One thing I learned was that I'm not going to be able to count on my brother to provide any actual help. Gratitude to you all who are spelling out the thoughts and options to be looking at for long term care and security.

[easygoingfemme]

Kelt, hoping you get results from the tissue sample very quickly and that the results are not worrisome...