Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

Gemme · 07-19-2016, 08:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JDeere

Abandonment is the main one, being told they will be there and end up leaving.

The real tricky part with issues like this is not to fulfill the prophecy; to not dwell on it so much and have the insecurity affect your (general your) interactions that you (general you) actually push the other person away so that you (general you) get to say, "See! I was right!".

There is some twisted sort of comfort in molding future anguish because the known pain is easier than the unknown.

I'm not picking on you, JDeere. I saw this post and found myself nodding. Abandonment is not so much an issue of mine as judgment and judging behaviors and control issues but I think it all ties together.

We're all scarred in some way.

JDeere · 07-21-2016, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemme

The real tricky part with issues like this is not to fulfill the prophecy; to not dwell on it so much and have the insecurity affect your (general your) interactions that you (general you) actually push the other person away so that you (general you) get to say, "See! I was right!".

There is some twisted sort of comfort in molding future anguish because the known pain is easier than the unknown.

I'm not picking on you, JDeere. I saw this post and found myself nodding. Abandonment is not so much an issue of mine as judgment and judging behaviors and control issues but I think it all ties together.

We're all scarred in some way.

It happens whether or not I dwell on it. It just happens. But mine stems from being adopted and how it affects every day life.

Gemme · 07-22-2016, 05:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JDeere

It happens whether or not I dwell on it. It just happens. But mine stems from being adopted and how it affects every day life.

Adoption does lend to abandonment issues for a lot of people. I get that. I have my own abandonment leanings as well. Absolutely. And your feelings will happen. For sure.

BUT

You are the one who determines your behavior based on your feelings. Everyone has feelings of fear or loss, etc. It's how we cope with those feelings that help us get through our lives. We can either help ourselves or hurt ourselves with our responses to these feelings. I've been on both sides of this and have successfully dealt with some pretty narly stuff and have also been mowed over by my feelings and let them run the show instead of me. That never ends well.

I used your post as a jumping point but wasn't necessarily directing it at you specifically, hence the 'general' you parts. I just want to make that clear.

JDeere · 07-22-2016, 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemme

Adoption does lend to abandonment issues for a lot of people. I get that. I have my own abandonment leanings as well. Absolutely. And your feelings will happen. For sure.

BUT

You are the one who determines your behavior based on your feelings. Everyone has feelings of fear or loss, etc. It's how we cope with those feelings that help us get through our lives. We can either help ourselves or hurt ourselves with our responses to these feelings. I've been on both sides of this and have successfully dealt with some pretty narly stuff and have also been mowed over by my feelings and let them run the show instead of me. That never ends well.

I used your post as a jumping point but wasn't necessarily directing it at you specifically, hence the 'general' you parts. I just want to make that clear.

I know what you meant by the general parts. I'm pretty much giving up on this one, one thing I can't stand is lack of communication. I'd rather be alone then deal with the bullshit.

DapperButch · 07-22-2016, 05:09 PM

I have commitment issues. I had a girl crush my heart freshman year of college, but other than that, I have no explanation for it. I always wonder if the person is the "right one", so I struggle doing the "full commitment, lets make this forever/let's get married thing". As you may guess, it impacts my relationships.

TL1 · 07-22-2016, 05:56 PM

Mine is trust. I tend to pay attention to actions. (Actions speak louder than words) sometimes this is bad. A lot of times when I've thought something I was right. Because of this I have been known to walk away.

So yeah..... Trust. I'm working on it.

randrum · 07-22-2016, 10:54 PM

That I'm not good enough. Or worth the time/effort.

07-22-2016, 05:09 PM	#5
DapperButch Roadster Guy How Do You Identify?: FTM, Stone Butch Preferred Pronoun?: He Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Northeast Posts: 7,745 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 26,545 Thanked 26,812 Times in 5,772 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	I have commitment issues. I had a girl crush my heart freshman year of college, but other than that, I have no explanation for it. I always wonder if the person is the "right one", so I struggle doing the "full commitment, lets make this forever/let's get married thing". As you may guess, it impacts my relationships. __________________ -Dapper Are you educated or indoctrinated?

07-22-2016, 05:56 PM	#6
TL1 Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch of stone Join Date: Dec 2015 Location: East coast Posts: 2,892 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,111 Thanked 3,456 Times in 1,007 Posts Rep Power: 21474848	Mine is trust. I tend to pay attention to actions. (Actions speak louder than words) sometimes this is bad. A lot of times when I've thought something I was right. Because of this I have been known to walk away. So yeah..... Trust. I'm working on it. __________________ "Our bodies were printed as blank pages to be filled with the ink of our hearts”

07-22-2016, 10:54 PM	#7
randrum Member How Do You Identify?: Boi Preferred Pronoun?: Just call me G Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Jan 2015 Location: Cincinnati Posts: 695 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,480 Thanked 3,056 Times in 668 Posts Rep Power: 21474847	That I'm not good enough. Or worth the time/effort. __________________