Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

[Nattih]

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

[nycfem]

My husbutch and I are both introverts and spend just as much time together as apart. Some people don't get it, but it's what works for us. Don't give up hope in finding someone who likes that way of life too <3

Originally Posted by Nattih

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Nattih

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

I have found myself with the same fear. I am a mix of intro and extrovert where I find it hard to find a good medium.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Nattih

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

I'm an extrovert and I need one entire day to myself a week, just quietly in my room or apartment pampering myself. I don't want to hang out. Or talk. I need to sleep on my own. Eat by myself. For 24 full hours. And at least another two half days of 12 hours in there a week. I need my cave. I carry my connection to my partner in me, very deeply so I don't need constant attachment.

I will burn myself out looking after others, smother myself, starve myself of space, to make someone else happy. And I get sick. When I need time and rest I get accused of similar, and I date mostly introverts. I don't think it's extrovert/introvert ... I think it's people understanding that boundaries are not there to keep people away. They are there to create me space, you space and us space. I don't have to be merged with someone all the time. In fact, that makes me depressed. I lose myself. But the people who need that are usually codependent and have very scary places in themselves they hate and don't want to deal with alone. So they mask it by being merged with others. My introvert partners did it by using only me, because they found everyone else over stimulating, but having me stuck to their hip because I was non-invasive body company so they didn't feel lonely (I didn't speak or want anything from them) sort of like a human plush toy... Was very suffocating.

And of course I was nurse, cook, house cleaner, administrator/clerk/secretary for all bills and paperwork, grocery shopper, and because they hated talking on phones and dealing with people, I did all the phone calls, dealt with the banks and service people. On top of my full time job.

When I'd reach burn out and need rest, I was faking it, being melodramatic, having a drama, withdrawing and being distant and selfish...

So, I hear you.

[Nattih]

I'm really happy this thread exists. It has made me think a lot.

The biggest issue that I suffer through is pedestal syndrome (I totally made that name up, it probably has a real one). All my life I have been "the good one". I was the one who got excellent grades, I was the one all the adults dotted on as having excellent manners, the one who helped around the house and caused no trouble. I took that identity into adulthood and into my relationships, which has shown itself to be really unhealthy for my self identity. Most of my past partners have discovered that this was my "button" and noted how perfect they thought I was and how I would never do "XYZ" like anyone else due to my "perfection" or how they would not be able to handle it if I "did something wrong because I never act like others".

I now realize that this is a manipulation tactic, first installed by my mother, then discovered by significant others and even friends. Though I am consciously aware of it now, I still struggle with the idea that I must be perfect in order to be deserving of love and affection. I am on the dating market, so I automatically assume I get passed over due to imperfections that I must correct before I am able to be good enough for anyone to not pass over.

This post was too long and rambly, so I apologize if it makes little sense, lol.

[SaltyButch]

Originally Posted by Nattih

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

Ahh how I can relate to this, I am an introvert, most may have differing opinions and that's okay I know who I am. I have the same need for alone time as I do for together time and I'm a better person and partner when you understand my need for this.

In reading your later post as to the "buttons" I'm pretty sure we all have them and the fact that you have grown to realize what yours are only makes it easier for you to disengage from those who take delight in continually pushing them. I have emotional scars which may not be as readily seen as the physical but they are there and to me in some ways harder to reveal.

All I know is that when I find the right person she will accept me for me...all of me and should she have any physical or emotional scars I will love them because they make her the special gift she is.

[JustLovelyJenn]

Sometimes I feel like I forget what I am afraid of until I am staring it in the face, until I start to self-sabotage, expecting the worst. And then I have to figure out how to explain what is scaring me to someone who isn't doing what I am afraid they might. A lot of damage has left a lot of fears... I am not sure how to figure them all out any more. So, I guess I have to just deal with them as they come up. And I know that speaking them out loud is a good start.

Lately, I am afraid I am too needy (even though I'm pretty sure I am not)

I am afraid I that I am too intense, and my life is too much for people to deal with... so they will burn out and just walk away.

I am afraid that no matter how good I think it is... it won't last... because I am not meant to find someone.

There's a lot more... but right now, this is where I am at.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Nattih

I'm really happy this thread exists. It has made me think a lot.

The biggest issue that I suffer through is pedestal syndrome (I totally made that name up, it probably has a real one). All my life I have been "the good one". I was the one who got excellent grades, I was the one all the adults dotted on as having excellent manners, the one who helped around the house and caused no trouble. I took that identity into adulthood and into my relationships, which has shown itself to be really unhealthy for my self identity. Most of my past partners have discovered that this was my "button" and noted how perfect they thought I was and how I would never do "XYZ" like anyone else due to my "perfection" or how they would not be able to handle it if I "did something wrong because I never act like others".

I now realize that this is a manipulation tactic, first installed by my mother, then discovered by significant others and even friends. Though I am consciously aware of it now, I still struggle with the idea that I must be perfect in order to be deserving of love and affection. I am on the dating market, so I automatically assume I get passed over due to imperfections that I must correct before I am able to be good enough for anyone to not pass over.

This post was too long and rambly, so I apologize if it makes little sense, lol.

IT makes sense. I have different ones, for different reasons but the result was the same. I Was very codependent for a long time and thought for anyone to *stay* in the relationship I thought I had to make myself invaluable to their personal functioning. So I got people who needed me, usually addicts.

I no longer want anyone who needs me. The idea actually repulses me. I want people who can function just fine in their own life and don't need me at all. But they love my company. I prefer the idea of spoiling each other from time to time than being a linked team in order to make it through our days. I want sex, friendship and companionship, not co-functioning a household or looking after people. I can very easily look after myself if I have the flu. I've looked after myself with a pretty severe concussion. I don't *need* someone because the rest of my life has good support in it, I know how say no and mean it (and do it), I understand the point of healthy boundaries, I know my limits and respect them. Being guilted or pressured makes me angry now, not cave in.

I do love spoiling people. Not care taking. I want to adore my partner, be adored. Not needed. I find most people find my assertions to be romantically offensive.

[giggleluver]

After being alone for 2 years, I am worried how someone is going to be around my animals and how they will respond when I tell them I need my own space.

[rustedrims]

trust issues

[Teaandroses3]

Even at my age I tend to be optimistic and romantic. I still have trouble identifying the players until I get hurt. Then I look back and say to myself, duh, should have known!
So then on top of being hurt I feel really stupid.

[Chad]

After reading the posts here I have to agree that trust can be an issue. However, any issues that I had in past relationships I leave in the past. The issue belonged to that person in my mind.

Players, I have not thought about players in a long time and I doubt that I could spot one easily. I may have already met players and did not know it.

[dark_crystal]

Because financial exploitation was a feature of all my major relationships preceding this one, i get really freaked out when there is any kind of job-related problems.

When Mr. Jenny and I first got together I would freak out any time she hit her snooze button in the morning because I just knew she was going to be late and get fired

She found this very offensive as she has now been at the same job for 31 years and I should have been able to see that as proof that she knows how to not get fired

She's right. It was all my issue

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by Nattih

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

This is a big one for me, too. I have had partners that could not wrap their heads around wanting time alone. There was not space in their mind for the concept. They could only see it as a rejection of them.

I am a very tightly wound person, and have had to learn the hard way that self-care is not an indulgence, it is actually necessary for me to be able to function productively in any context.

I started putting hard limits around certain days of the week and certain hours of the day about twelve years ago. If I do not have those periodic discharge/recharge periods between each role performance (director, student, daughter/sister/aunt, partner), I will have regrets for poorly-considered choices, unrecognized opportunities, forgotten talking points, math errors, typos, distractions, talking out of my ass, etc.

My current partner is really easy to be around, though. Sometimes we are on the couch together and I am reading or writing and she is watching HGTV and I actually forget she is in the room. She's totally self-actualized and can enjoy my proximity without demanding any attention at all

But it helps that she works Sundays and I don't, and I work occasional evenings and she doesn't. And that her workday starts four hours before mine does, even when I don't work late.

[JDeere]

Abandonment is the main one, being told they will be there and end up leaving.

[ferret]

Ugh. Where to begin. I'm content being single and am enjoying my life for the first time in I don't know how long. I'm happy. I don't feel like I have to answer to anyone. Yet...I miss companionship and intimacy.
I'm so afraid that I'm going to make the same mistakes I did before - IE - Settling for someone who is absolutely no good for me. Getting with someone because maybe I'm desperate on some level, or...I'm not getting any younger, and the clock is ticking.
My last relationship really did a number on me - being with someone who was controlling, who I felt like I couldn't talk to or completely couldn't be myself around because I was going to be judged. It was just a bad, bad situation all around. Yet loyal me hung in, hoping it would somehow all get better.
So...I suppose I'm torn between my life is fine as is and I'moved enjoying it. I don't want to ruin my happiness somehow by putting someone else in the mix. On the other hand, I don't know if I want to be perpetually single, either. I think I'm a genuinely decent human being who has a lot to offer someone.
Sorry if I'm rambling here, but these are things I think about quite often.

Sue

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by JDeere

Abandonment is the main one, being told they will be there and end up leaving.

The real tricky part with issues like this is not to fulfill the prophecy; to not dwell on it so much and have the insecurity affect your (general your) interactions that you (general you) actually push the other person away so that you (general you) get to say, "See! I was right!".

There is some twisted sort of comfort in molding future anguish because the known pain is easier than the unknown.

I'm not picking on you, JDeere. I saw this post and found myself nodding. Abandonment is not so much an issue of mine as judgment and judging behaviors and control issues but I think it all ties together.

We're all scarred in some way.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Gemme

The real tricky part with issues like this is not to fulfill the prophecy; to not dwell on it so much and have the insecurity affect your (general your) interactions that you (general you) actually push the other person away so that you (general you) get to say, "See! I was right!".

There is some twisted sort of comfort in molding future anguish because the known pain is easier than the unknown.

I'm not picking on you, JDeere. I saw this post and found myself nodding. Abandonment is not so much an issue of mine as judgment and judging behaviors and control issues but I think it all ties together.

We're all scarred in some way.

It happens whether or not I dwell on it. It just happens. But mine stems from being adopted and how it affects every day life.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by JDeere

It happens whether or not I dwell on it. It just happens. But mine stems from being adopted and how it affects every day life.

Adoption does lend to abandonment issues for a lot of people. I get that. I have my own abandonment leanings as well. Absolutely. And your feelings will happen. For sure.

BUT

You are the one who determines your behavior based on your feelings. Everyone has feelings of fear or loss, etc. It's how we cope with those feelings that help us get through our lives. We can either help ourselves or hurt ourselves with our responses to these feelings. I've been on both sides of this and have successfully dealt with some pretty narly stuff and have also been mowed over by my feelings and let them run the show instead of me. That never ends well.

I used your post as a jumping point but wasn't necessarily directing it at you specifically, hence the 'general' you parts. I just want to make that clear.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Gemme

Adoption does lend to abandonment issues for a lot of people. I get that. I have my own abandonment leanings as well. Absolutely. And your feelings will happen. For sure.

BUT

You are the one who determines your behavior based on your feelings. Everyone has feelings of fear or loss, etc. It's how we cope with those feelings that help us get through our lives. We can either help ourselves or hurt ourselves with our responses to these feelings. I've been on both sides of this and have successfully dealt with some pretty narly stuff and have also been mowed over by my feelings and let them run the show instead of me. That never ends well.

I used your post as a jumping point but wasn't necessarily directing it at you specifically, hence the 'general' you parts. I just want to make that clear.

I know what you meant by the general parts. I'm pretty much giving up on this one, one thing I can't stand is lack of communication. I'd rather be alone then deal with the bullshit.