Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

[Kätzchen]

I can totally relate to the term (s) describing "relationship PTSD (R-ptsd)."

I think that I still experience R-ptsd to an certain degree, but I think it's more like an acute awareness of things I won't tolerate or won't allow to have any place in my life.

Things that trigger my own type of R-ptsd are items related to potential dates or person's of interest who exhibit what I call exceptionally revolting behaviors: Behaviors exhibited which denote anything typically associated with addiction or control issues. For example.... manipulation, overt or covert deception, or anything that even has a whiff of 'red flag' status will trigger me to take flight and run in the opposite direction. I can certainly relate to Cheryl and cupcakes experiences in life.

There's this social expression that I whole heartedly believe in.... the saying about knowing a great love and that once you've experienced something so incredibly wonderful: Like, it's not something that is replicated in the same way, ever again, because that particular type of relationship experience is unique to the two people who shared that special love, in that particular time and space in which it developed.

I'd also like to say that I've been a member in this community for a number of years, ss well as a member in the prior dash community, because it's a place where I can share facets of my life, the way i think ...with other members... so we can communally explore our way of thinking or by private self reflection or by adopting ideas or rejecting ideas or by tempering our personal cosmos with ways to process our ideas and/or beliefs. Ideally, that's why I've been part of this online community.

I'm not here to find anyone or any some-such thing. If I want to date, there is plenty of opportunity among my own small groups of friendships (here at home) to do such a thing. I've accepted dates from people I've known for a really long time. Conversely, I rarely accept an date with anyone I hardly know.... if ever, nowadays.

But I so relate to the relationship PTSD dilemma. I'm always interviewing potential dates. I guess one could say I'm typically in "interview mode" -- mostly because of my extensive life experience in casually interviewing people, seeking information to help identify the exact nature of what end result they're after (professional trade)... Or by interviewing people to add toward a body of evidence (for example, an scholarly study).

I am compelled to add toward this particular sphere of ideas, as it relates to relationship PTSD, because I think there's an awful lot of us out there who share similar experience (s) in life.

I think it's safe to say that I definitely have an developed sense of acute awareness of relationship PTSD. It's a feral thing, in many ways, for me.

And, I'm okay with that. I don't consider my acute awareness as fear of .... anything. If anything, it just helps me to examine my own priorities and to know that it's healthy to know what works for me, to ensure my own sense of safety, my own sense of pleasure, my own sense of sexuality or any number of things I dwell upon in my own private cosmos.

[Bubala]

Trust issues.... I'm a closed book... When I was young I strongly believed that "whatever you let people know about you they can and WILL use against you...it's not the question of if, but rather a question of when!".

In general I am a very kind, happy, warm person towards those around me.
For some reason that results in people opening up to me inexplicably and effortlessly... and that can be heavy and scary!

Friends tell me the strangest secrets.
Butches cry... yes they do, G-d knows why...
It is so awkward.... at times I wish to ask - what is it am I that ugly??? lolol
Guess your answer... they'd keep on chasing me... and I'd rip them open just like that just by standing there and not saying anything.... I still do not understand what kind of horrible witchcraft is it that i posses to make everyone feel.... something so heavy... it scares me. I'm a good caregiver I guess. lol ...and they just want a hug? lol

I'm warm and kind and nurturing...yet I remain a closed book...
Even Thor does not know much of me... Hy has seen the most I was able to share... more than any other human being...yet it's far from cover to cover...

At times I am ashamed of my inability to trust my inability to connect...
Life is a cruel journey... I'm a survivor... I'm a runner... a forever a refugee, keep on running always keep on running... I chose to only trust partially to the one who could keep up and run with me!

I run as if my life still depended on it... any attempt to stop might be hard landing and I'm still not ready to accept the challenge of cracking in front of another human.

[introverted1]

Having emerged from a divorce seven months ago (I have the dubious distinction of being probably THE FIRST same sex divorce in my state!), I have to say...as unattractive as this sounds, I have a definite fear of abandonment.

While I've begun dating again, my new relationship is a long distance one, which feels a bit safer to me- like a new relationship with training wheels attached.

I know that my fears will ease eventually. This is part of being human...we all endure transitions in life that scar us, but those scars fade with time.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by introverted1

Having emerged from a divorce seven months ago (I have the dubious distinction of being probably THE FIRST same sex divorce in my state!), I have to say...as unattractive as this sounds, I have a definite fear of abandonment.

While I've begun dating again, my new relationship is a long distance one, which feels a bit safer to me- like a new relationship with training wheels attached.

I know that my fears will ease eventually. This is part of being human...we all endure transitions in life that scar us, but those scars fade with time.

I am right in the same boat as you, the fear of abandonment. I currently feel very abandonded by my ex, even though we still stay in contact but she is sending mixed signals.

[RockOn]

I do not have any relationship fears. The reason is because I intend to stay single the rest of my life. I am not missing out on a thing. Seriously!

It may sound like a cop out to some ... maybe it is, I do not know. I do know I gave the issue considerable thought before I reached this iron-clad decision.

What a freedom!

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by RockOn

I do not have any relationship fears. The reason is because I intend to stay single the rest of my life. I am not missing out on a thing. Seriously!

What do you think you are not missing out on? I am curious to know.

[Soft*Silver]

wow, this is a good topic!I too have (r) PTSD....

my fears..

being left because I am frail. I have had a couple serious accidents, and some health problems that have stolen my physical strength. But I only want to be loved for who I am, and am not. This is my reality.

sharing finances. I wont ever do that again.

Infidelity is a former fear. It doesnt worry me any longer. I use to be possessive but I have since come to a conclusion that going beyond your relationship, if consensual, is not a deal breaker. My husband and I are in an open relationship. And if we ever find a third, we are open to that as well. I no longer need sole rights to my person.

not being put first..letting another have a space that should be mine. I had a HORRIBLE experience with this and its probably the single most traumatic relationship issue I ever encountered. It will never happen to me again. Since then, I have asserted myself and made sure I was the chosen one, and if I wasnt, I moved on immediately.

I think my fears were all addressed and resolved in this current relationship between me and my husband. I honestly didnt think I would ever get into another relationship. My track record wasnt very good and I was a wreck, physically and emotionally, when I met my husband. We started out as friends and he became my physical caretaker after my first surgery. He refused to let me stay by myself and slept on the couch while I healed. Not for long...his kindness, and compassion, his ability to love and soothe me, manifested such a love within me. Time and a good person, heals all wounds, and fears...

[akiza]

i have insecurities i'm afraid that i won't love my partner enought loving someone takes time for me so my semi coldness may seems like i don't care but it's false just one of my wall of defense.i'm afraid to destroy a relation because of my fear and doubt i have to work on that also to forget myself in a relationship i'm not hard to live

[2qt]

I think I fear falling in love with someone again who is not on the same time zone as me.... Previous LDR/RLR was tough, the waiting, the expense of immigration visa's & the entire immigration process was gruelling & mentally exhausting... Personally for my relationship to not survive it has been a slap in the face & makes me wonder about myself, is it me? Am I expecting too much? wanting too much?,LDR's are they successful, and just love in general...

So I guess I need to acknowledge & face those fears & self doubts to understand why, so I don't lose the chance to meet the one that IS right for me in the clouded fog of failed relationships...

[imperfect_cupcake]

Being adopted etc, I used to have this *HUGE* fear of abandonment, like massive. It did make me really co-dependant in relationships, attach to people who needed me to function for them (people with addictions, or addictive traits) etc.
I had a massive no one will *really* love me, not the super deep bits of me, those are the bits no one can love *wallow wallow*, everyone will reject me in the end.

I admit I did have to do a shit tonne of therapy for it. And I did meet my birth parents.

I don't have those thoughts anymore. I have other ones lol, but not those ones anymore.

I realised that there are parts of my self that are actually *my* job to love. And just by me. They are my things for me, of me. My sacred special bits of me that I kept giving to other people and demanding they keep safe for me, it made me really vulnerable in ways that made me insecure. Like asking someone to carrying around your great grandmother hand blown glass christmas decoration all the time and never ever break it.

Basically, I had unreal expectations about other people, love, and responsibilites. I am responsible for those most sacred parts of myself. No one else. Just me. Not my mum, not my birth mum, not my friends, not a partner. Just me. That's it.

I thought that was a horrible and lonely thing at first and then I realised it's not because we all are. ALL of us are. And we can show them to each other. But it belongs in our own shoe boxes, in the centre of our own selves, where we have to feed and water and give it things that make it grow. That's nobody else's job.

And I know if I'm starting to feel too panicky about someone not responding to me, it means I've given them too much vulnerability, too quickly for my own comfort and I'm expecting them to make up for it by reassuring me with what ever response I think I need. But the original error is mine. I'm moving too fast with my own vulnerability for my own sense of comfort. I need more time to build more trust.

That's personally the way I look at it now.

Your milage may vary.