Body Image Issues

[Mrs. Strutt]

I am a little wistful reading posts/threads here on BFP where so many in our community are comfortable and accepting of their bodies and appearance, even if they are outside of what mainstream says is "acceptable."

Unfortunately, I am not one of them.

I gained 80 lbs. with my daughter and, while I have lost over 50 of them, I am still uncomfortable and self-conscious about the excess weight I carry. If I am very, very honest with myself, I need to lose about another 50 lbs. to be anywhere near what I think a "happy" weight for me would be.

My husband has loved and wanted me at every weight I've been over the past 12 years--from the 170 lbs. I was when we met, to the almost 280 lbs. I was the day I had our child--and it's hard for hym to understand why I don't see myself as beautiful when hy thinks I am. But I don't.

I so admire those who can celebrate themselves and feel total acceptance for their physical body, but I know myself well enough to know that will most likely never be the reality for me, no matter how hard I try.

I am wondering if anyone else carries body image issues as well.

[Martina]

Oh yeah! i lost 110 lbs and then have gained most of it back. i am in a newish (poly) relationship -- with a couple. They are both hot. The people they date and have dated are hot. It is SO hard for me to feel OK sometimes. So hard. They do not do a THING to make me feel bad. ON the contrary. But it's hard.

Plus i am just damned uncomfortable. i feel awkward. i walk in an unsexy way. i suffer from body image issues a lot.

i have a huge deadline coming up. When it is over, i intend to begin the process again of living a healthier lifestyle.

The other thing i will be investigating is the lapband.

[Andrew, Jr.]

My self-esteem issues come from being rejected by my parents, esp. my mother, and for so long. Sure, I admit I am a heavy guy and would love to be thin. I cannot buy clothes off the rack. I have to buy my clothes at Big & Tall Stores or online. I get the looks, and stares. I also get the finger pointing. Society sucks when it comes to issues like this. It is not realistic.

[Rockinonahigh]

When I look at the many picture are around my house and see how I looked at 165..tight,trim and buff and then see myself in the mirror at 255,I just think holy shit how did u get this way?To anser the question its from the accient and meds mostly that truned me into this cause I had no choice to be anything but less active because of the injuries,then the antiinfalamtory meds that had steroids in it shure didnt help.Now in off most meds except the ones I need wich are steroid fee..so says the pharmacy.The doc says its an age realted thing with matabolism( say horse poop on that) tho I have to somewhat agree cause Idont have the energy I did a fue years ago,tho I can still step lively and get it done just I need to know when to give it a rest for a bit.Im still dealing with some injury related issues but are finding ways to geta around them.Now I make me a priorty everyday buy watching what I eat,do my near daily work outs as well as do my best to keep a good attitude.I do remember when I weighed 289 ayear ago so I know im gonna get back to 200 or less,its just a matter of keeping this up.
What hurts me is when I am out and sooner or later someone gives me the look like dam dont u care about how u look,or u r a slob..or maybe its my imigination about that.

[Soft*Silver]

I have prided myself on having a healthy body image...and even now, I feel good about myself but, I saw photos tonight of me at the family Easter dinner...and I can tell I gained weight. Its from the steroids I am taking for my spinal disease. I guess I am more shocked over the fact that I didnt see myself gaining this weight. I didnt notice it. I just have to diet now to get it under control and get back where I was. I did NOT like the fullness of my face. But that just means no shakes and no fast food for awhile...

[adorable]

It has never mattered how skinny I was or how fat. I've always thought I was fat. I look at pictures of when I was really skinny and think I'd like to get back there. But if I remember when I actually WAS there, I wasn't happy either. I was paranoid about being too fat. A friend of mine says that what she does when she is with someone is just strips naked in front of them and says "This is what it is." LOL. That is how she gets over it.

I'm not sure if anyone else feels this way but for me it was much more pronounced when I was with men. I felt like I was competing in a way and held to a much higher standard. With women, that was gone - until I got cheated on by my ex with someone who of course was a size 00 - that of course freaked me out. The pressure though to be perfect just hasn't been there in the same way with my relationships with women.

I feel the same pressure with TGs as I did with men. It's almost suffocating. The standard that I feel held to is playboy bunnies and models. On my best day in complete darkness - I won't be mistaken for either.....

My experience has been that they make an awful lot of comments like "Oh, she's hot." The minute I hear that I tense up. Then my gears start turning. I want to run and hide. Women may do that - I just haven't met one that talks that way or that often about it. What they seem to want and what I am are different. My mind can't compute it. No matter how I try to do the math.

If the idea is to find someone who loves you for you - lol - but you are not the ideal woman for them - how can you win? I know I'm insecure (ya think?) but it does seem important for them to say it all the time. I don't understand why - the only purpose it seems to serve is to make me feel bad about myself. I am very aware I guess of how people feel and wouldn't say things that might make them feel bad. If you care about someone you should try to build them up right?? I honestly don't have an answer. I do understand what you mean though.

[Mrs. Strutt]

Thank you all so much for your posts...it is good to know I'm not alone in this.

I am a hair stylist, in an industry that promotes a lot of this "image." However, I deal almost exclusively with curly hair and teach women how to love, take care of and embrace their natural curls in a society that values bleached blonde, pin-straight, flat-ironed tresses as the beauty standard.

It's ironic to me that I can educate and carry this message with a vengeance, yet can't ignore the same societal standards about weight when it comes to myself.

[Miss Scarlett]

I am also at war with body image issues. At the moment I am in the lead. Having lost over 130 lbs in the last 1.5 years I still see myself as the 342.5 lb woman I was, though not as often. But she will always be there lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce whenever I am vulnerable.

By far I am no a fan of Jessica Simpson but her show "The Price of Beauty" is worth watching. Whatever her reason for doing the show, it is very interesting to see what is considered beautiful/sexy in other cultures and what the women are willing to do to achieve that ideal.

http://www.vh1.com/shows/jessica_sim...y/series.jhtml

[Ldyluck88]

In the past 2 yrs. I have gained 25 lbs which is alot for this small framed body of mine. I don't like the body image I see when I look in the mirror, but I know in time, it will change. I lost my home, job, etc. so depression and other life's challenges have affected me emotionally and physically. The good thing is I can make a change little by little with each new day! I may be overweight a tad, but I have not lost my sense of humor!! haha Life is good!!

[Sachita]

I thought this book rang true:

http://www.oprah.com/health/An-Excer...Food-And-God/1

it really makes you think. I've struggled all my life and now that I'm older I wonder why I do the things I do. My diet, for the most part is good. I eat organic and very little meat. For me the struggle is always my spiritual well being and happiness. When I'm happy, at peace then I feel lighter and free.

It's taken me 51 years to start to really figure this out. When I'm sad, depress, unfulfilled I internalize my fears and sadness. I get sick, fat and its an ongoing struggle. Perhaps I'll find a way to escape it or at least be at peace with myself.

anyhow, at least read the link. I think you'll find things in it that will surprise you. It was definitely a shake for me.

[Gemme]

You are absolutely, positively NOT alone in this thinking, Mrs. S.

A lot of folks would look at me and think, "What's YOUR problem?" I suppose to most, I look fine....average. I'm 5 foot 1 1/2 inches tall and 136 pounds. However, I look much heavier because I'm kind of 'squashy' and pear-shaped and only 88 of those pounds are bones and muscles and organs. The rest is water and blood and visceral fat (all good things) and fat fat. I jiggle more than jello and cottage cheese has nothing on me.

I recently had a fitness evaluation done and I am in the 'poor' range of health/fitness. Honestly, that was not a surprise.

So, Hell yeah! I have more than my share of image issues. As cruel as some people can be, I've always been my harshest critic and, until I can find a way to relearn my thought patterns and re-evaluate myself in relation to the world (as in, really? Are my thighs that important to someone else? Does it really matter if I wear a cover up or just the suit?), this isn't going to change.

Good article, Sachita.

[dixie]

Oh yeah...body image issues? I got a ton of 'em. I know they stem back to childhood, but I still can't shake them. My parents had a lovely fairytale marriage where Dad was king of the castle and Mom was his queen. She lavished in the attention and didn't plan on giving it up. Unfortunately for her, antibiotics counteracted the birth control pills and ta-da! Here I be. She made it clear she didn't want kids, and that I was an intrusion on her perfect little world. (And for the record, Dad wanted kids, Mom was vehemently against kids...) Being smacked around all the time by her was nothing compared to the emotional digs I suffered. From the time I was in 3rd grade until I was in my 20s, my mother's comments to me were always the same: "You're too fat", "You're too ugly", "You're too stupid". This obviously made me feel like shit as a kid. By the time I got to high school I had starved my normally-woulda-been-healthy-size 10/12-frame into sizes 3/5. I was also on the honor roll and was told I was a "natural beauty", so I beat her at those too. But you know how it goes...all that just made her taunts get more and more cruel. Luckily, after a lot of talking and therapy, Mom and I have a good relationship now (finally, since I'm almost 31) and she admitted she was wrong in her treatment of me while I was growing up and I try not to blame her for it. But still, she was my mother and I loved her, so I believed her for sooooo many years. Eventhough I forgive her and know now that she made a mistake, all that's kinda hard to unlearn, ya know?

And it doesn't help that when I had my son, I gained 80lbs. I lost most of that finally, and two years ago I was at a very healthy size 14. Then, I got put on new meds that caused serious weight gain. I gained over 100lbs in less than 7 months. Sadly, I never really even noticed it, until someone took a picture of me. I said "holy shit! that can't be me!!!" Yup, it was me. Somehow, in the last few months I've lost approximately 40lbs, so I am luckily on the right track.

But in all honesty...I don't think it will ever really matter what I weigh or what size I wear. I will always be saddled with the negative issue of myself. But that's okay too, because eventhough my body image ISN'T good, I know that the person inside me IS....

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by Mrs. Strutt

Thank you all so much for your posts...it is good to know I'm not alone in this.

I am a hair stylist, in an industry that promotes a lot of this "image." However, I deal almost exclusively with curly hair and teach women how to love, take care of and embrace their natural curls in a society that values bleached blonde, pin-straight, flat-ironed tresses as the beauty standard.

It's ironic to me that I can educate and carry this message with a vengeance, yet can't ignore the same societal standards about weight when it comes to myself.

How did I miss this post???

Oh how I wish you worked in NC! I have naturally curly hair and it is extremely difficult to find a stylist who knows how to work with it. I finally found one and she did a magnificent job...but I work in another town now and they don't have weekend or late hours. I hesitate to have anyone else touch my hair since Erin does such a wonderful job. So my hair is getting longer and I won't have it cut until I can take the time from work and money because I pay nearly $90(including tip and parking). Every 6 weeks this gets expensive. It took the talent of this stylist to get me to embrace my curls after fighting them for 47 years. She helped me realize that I have a huge advantage over folks with straight hair that lacks body. I can do anything with mine - in the same week I can have glorious, springy curls, soft waves or use the iron and wear it sleek and straight.

Back in the 80s when I was in therapy for my Bulimarexia my therapist was far from thin. Actually she would be considered morbidly obese. At our first meeting she asked me if I had a problem with her size and my answer was no...and I meant it. Her size was never an issue for me even though her body type was how I perceived mine. We never talked about it again.

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by dixielady

Oh yeah...body image issues? I got a ton of 'em. I know they stem back to childhood, but I still can't shake them. My parents had a lovely fairytale marriage where Dad was king of the castle and Mom was his queen. She lavished in the attention and didn't plan on giving it up. Unfortunately for her, antibiotics counteracted the birth control pills and ta-da! Here I be. She made it clear she didn't want kids, and that I was an intrusion on her perfect little world. (And for the record, Dad wanted kids, Mom was vehemently against kids...) Being smacked around all the time by her was nothing compared to the emotional digs I suffered. From the time I was in 3rd grade until I was in my 20s, my mother's comments to me were always the same: "You're too fat", "You're too ugly", "You're too stupid". This obviously made me feel like shit as a kid. By the time I got to high school I had starved my normally-woulda-been-healthy-size 10/12-frame into sizes 3/5. I was also on the honor roll and was told I was a "natural beauty", so I beat her at those too. But you know how it goes...all that just made her taunts get more and more cruel. Luckily, after a lot of talking and therapy, Mom and I have a good relationship now (finally, since I'm almost 31) and she admitted she was wrong in her treatment of me while I was growing up and I try not to blame her for it. But still, she was my mother and I loved her, so I believed her for sooooo many years. Eventhough I forgive her and know now that she made a mistake, all that's kinda hard to unlearn, ya know?

This sounds all too familiar. The "song" sung to me by my Mom was similar and every verse began with "Nobody wants a fat _______." Trying to please her I nearly killed myself and developed Bulimarexia. When she died back in 2007 I was well over 300 lbs. By October 2008 I was 341.5. I decided to reclaim my life after seeing myself in a photo from Dad's wedding in August 2008. 130 down and a few more to go...

Now I've still got plenty of issues - most are now current rather than "back issues" and this will continue until my "subscription" expires. But I am learning how to deal with them instead of letting them control me. Not easy but I do feel much better and stronger.

[Darth Denkay]

Many of you spoke of body image issues spanning years. That isn't quite my experience. Except for a time a couple years ago when I did lose a decent amount of weight, ever since I've been an adult I've been heavy. Not extremely overweight, fluctuating between 30 and 70 pounds heavier than where I should be. For most of that time I would have preferred to not be as heavy, but I don't think it was really a body image thing - more like I'd be happy to lose the weight but it wasn't a focus of my life. I don't know why but over the last year or so that has shifted. I'm self-conscious about my weight now, I hate to see a reflection of myself, I wonder what others think. I've tried to talking to my partner but because she also has self image concerns it makes her wonder how I can be attracted to her if I'm not happy with my weight. I get that. It's true though that she is beautiful - for me her weight is not an issue, but I am unhappy about mine. I doubt this is terribly unusual. Other than with her though, I don't think I've really shared this with anyone. Like I said, sort of new territory for me.

[Kätzchen]

Thanks Mrs. Strutt (Tiffany) for the forum conversation here!

I just came across it today!

You're so right about the industry of beauty, pushing the model of what constitutes beauty, what we're supposed to aspire to look like. That's been one of my biggest "bitching" fests, ever!!!!

As far as what's pushed in terms of wieght: I have yo-yo'd between 170lbs and 265 lbs - between my young adult life (pre-birthing of my sons) to post-birth of my sons. I have been able to maintain a weight of 200lbs for years now and while that may seem like a lot of wieght, it's not all that too much for me: I'm about 5'8" to 5'9" - I think my bone density is changing as I age. I don't know what my real hieght is at the moment. When I stand next to my youngest son, he towers over me - he's about 6'5". Some of my lady friends are a bit shorter than me - my closest girl friend is about 5'5" and there's not too much difference in our height - it seems, when we are standing together, we are seeing each other eye-2-eye.

Anyway, while I would like to be nearer to the weight I was when I was in my twenties (170 lbs - that was Twiggy looking on me - very skinny, in my opinion), I'm happy with the weight that I currently am at. I would like to lose about 20 pounds though and weigh 180lbs.

When I think about ideas about my body and how it looks, I feel that my body is not as firm as it was when I was younger. As I have aged, I notice that my ability to remain toned and firmer is against me, in the fact that as we age, the body loses its ability to stay as it was when we were younger. I fight it all the time, ideas about my weight!

I try to maintain a reasonable feeling about what constitutes being beautiful too! I think that this is a perception issue - that varies on an individual, case to case, basis. FOr example, when I was at the height of my professional career in Beauty (as a praciticing hairstylist), I noticed that clients had ideas about what causes them to feel beautiful - as it pertains to how they want to style or color their hair. I know that, when giving service to a client and they would articulate on what type of style or color they preferred to have, I would always take the time to thoroughly discuss their reasoning behind it and what made them feel most comfortable. 99.9% of the time, after much discussion before performing a service for them, we got the results they were after - and no matter where I was practicing, My books were booked ahead for weeks - sometimes for months. That was a good feeling for me because it spoke for my ability to listen and perform services to expectations of the client.

I'm thinking that for me (and maybe others?) that beauty standards can seem so unfair and unreasonable and it seems that we (the general "we") struggle to feel beautiful and good about ourselves. My body isn't perfect and I know my physical appearance is something I am always working on because, I want to look as nice as I can and feel good about how I look.

I also remain open to hearing feedback about what I look like too - whether it's a positive remark or negative in nature - and try to not take it personally because each person's ability to communicate what they are saying is more about how they percieve things they are able to understand and sometimes, I find that it's not always about me and more about them. Does that make sense? I dunno... I guess I'm saying that as long as I feel good about me, then this is what matters most - because, in the end, it's what I think and feel about me that matters and not what someone else may project on the subject of beauty!

I hope this post finds that you are feeling well & beautiful today!
(((( you )))))

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Darth Denkay

I'm self-conscious about my weight now, I hate to see a reflection of myself, I wonder what others think. I've tried to talking to my partner but because she also has self image concerns it makes her wonder how I can be attracted to her if I'm not happy with my weight. I get that. It's true though that she is beautiful - for me her weight is not an issue, but I am unhappy about mine. I doubt this is terribly unusual. Other than with her though, I don't think I've really shared this with anyone. Like I said, sort of new territory for me.

I get this, exactly.

[DressyFemme]

I'm currently 100 lbs overweight and I'm not at peace with my body yet. I ate my way up to 316 lbs after I found out I have a mental disability and I got put on probation, plus I had a falling out with my narcissistic Dad (now resolved). Then I was fired for performance issues from my job of 9 years, and unemployed. I was so angry and depressed and ice cream became my best friend. I tried for 14 years in a 12 step program and beat myself up for failing and being fat. I quit OA and went to residential inpatient treatment for binge eating disorder....and was introduced to mindful intuitive eating and started working on body image issues which is termed "body dysmorphia ". Things I have learned: 1. Diets don't work. 2. I had to learn to love my body as is one part at a time in order for the weight to start coming off and my mindset to change. I started by loving my hair and getting a good cut and color and products. Then I loved my eyes and got new glasses and a thorough eye exam. Now I am trying to love my feet by seeing a podiatrist regularly and using moisturizer and Vaseline. I also continue to work on my inner voice calling myself "fat, ugly, stupid, worthless" when I make mistakes.... I keep telling myself "hey! Who first said that to you? They have the issue not you!!" It works and then it doesn't... still going one day at a time...

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by DressyFemme

I had to learn to love my body as is one part at a time in order for the weight to start coming off and my mindset to change. I started by loving my hair and getting a good cut and color and products. Then I loved my eyes and got new glasses and a thorough eye exam. Now I am trying to love my feet by seeing a podiatrist regularly and using moisturizer and Vaseline.

I love this practice. That is wonderful-- and i had never heard it before, despite two rounds of treatment for AN

*hugs*