So what does being Bisexual, mean to you ?

[Bel]

Since the 80s and popularized in the 90s, bisexuality has been defined by various bisexual communities as "attraction to more than one gender." This is the definition that has endured. Robyn Ochs, a bisexual activist, has also expanded on that to include "not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.” Which is wonderful!

Like all the other letters in LGBT/QUILTBAG, the B is a community term. There are many ways to be bisexual (bi/pan/omni/polysexual/ace, etc) but the foundation of our orientation moves bilaterally along the sexuality spectrum without settling on a specific point of that spectrum. Just like the L in LGBT does not signify what type of lesbian one is (femme? butch?), the B does not specify what type of bisexual one is.

It's a wonderfully open category.

If anyone wants to discuss more about this, I'm game.

I've been bi my whole life, and experienced "attraction to more than one gender" for decades without ever having been with a AMAB person (which eventually happened.) Because it's about attraction to more than one gender, it doesn't mean that bisexual people attach gender to biology—bisexual spaces that I've been to over the years have consistently practiced this distinction. And those that don't quickly learn....

It's about attraction and potential, not necessarily sex.

And hello to all, this is my first post after visiting on-and-mostly off since 2012!

[indigo]

"Bisexual", it's the expression that I currently use when coming out to my friends and family, which is a step by step process. Still, I can't yet wrap my mind around why i am not really confortable with this term.

[Bel]

Originally Posted by indigo

"Bisexual", it's the expression that I currently use when coming out to my friends and family, which is a step by step process. Still, I can't yet wrap my mind around why i am not really confortable with this term.

Hi Indigo!
Well, we're all socialized to have zero pride regarding the term 'bisexual'. All we mostly hear outside of bi circles, is negative and damaging. As long as you are accepting who you are on your own terms, that's more important than any label, of course. But labels are only as useful as the community they make/gather...so I hope you can find some sources and spaces of bisexual solidarity that make you feel great about what bi consciousness stands for today!

And I hear you on the step-by-step process!

[Soft*Silver]

I am a bio female femme who is married to a bio male who identifies as a woman privately. He (the pronoun he prefers at the moment) is a submissive femme at home. And other places. (But doesnt present 24/7 everywhere)

I qualify as bisexual. So does he as he enjoys all genders like I do. We have an open agreement that we can have other indulgences (sex) in our lives if we chose and would consider a poly marriage if the right person was found.

I have only been attracted to butch women. I have dated trans men too. And lived asexually for awhile. I just dont have an attraction to other femme women except my husband Go figure this all out!!

So all that sounds very complicated. But its not. Or it shouldnt be. I am getting really tired of the many many labels I have to "qualify" myself under. (I cant even buy a pride flag now without it adding race (brown and black) to it, when its suppose to be about orientation, not race. I am gypsy. Where is my stripe in our flag?)

[nycfem]

Soft*Silver, this post was reported as bordering on racism. Embracing an intersectional view of oppression is not something everyone believes in, but please if you are going to make a point that you want separate space for pure LGBT pride, don't drag another traditionally oppressed identity that is not one of your own under the bus. Please try and keep in mind how someone of the identity you singled out as not wanting on your pride flag might feel reading it. We want everyone on this site to feel 100% welcome and protected. We don't always realize how our words might come across, and I simply ask that for future posts, you take this into consideration. Thank you.

Originally Posted by Soft*Silver

I am getting really tired of the many many labels I have to "qualify" myself under. (I cant even buy a pride flag now without it adding race (brown and black) to it, when its suppose to be about orientation, not race. I am gypsy. Where is my stripe in our flag?)

[indigo]

Originally Posted by Bel

Hi Indigo!
Well, we're all socialized to have zero pride regarding the term 'bisexual'. All we mostly hear outside of bi circles, is negative and damaging. As long as you are accepting who you are on your own terms, that's more important than any label, of course. But labels are only as useful as the community they make/gather...so I hope you can find some sources and spaces of bisexual solidarity that make you feel great about what bi consciousness stands for today!

And I hear you on the step-by-step process!

But why is that so? I can't yet draw on broad experiences as I am like "in the making" with this part of my identity. I have lesbian friends who have absolutely no problem with bisexual women/ people - and also, why should they? Yet one of them told me that for some this is problematic. For me this term somehow fits because I had relationships with men and this didn't feel wrong but at the same time it was not "it", so to speak, and yeah I was always into women as far as I can remember, at least since my teenage-hood. Then, doesn't the term bi-sexual indicate the dichotomy of sexes - a notion that I find questionable in many ways.

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by indigo

But why is that so? I can't yet draw on broad experiences as I am like "in the making" with this part of my identity. I have lesbian friends who have absolutely no problem with bisexual women/ people - and also, why should they? Yet one of them told me that for some this is problematic. For me this term somehow fits because I had relationships with men and this didn't feel wrong but at the same time it was not "it", so to speak, and yeah I was always into women as far as I can remember, at least since my teenage-hood. Then, doesn't the term bi-sexual indicate the dichotomy of sexes - a notion that I find questionable in many ways.

I am only one lesbian, so take my perspective as non-representative of the entire lesbian community!

For me, I started my journey as a straight woman, not in touch with my true sexual orientation.

Looking back, as a kid, it was always there but I didn't know what "it" was. I played house with my little friends but the femme that I am was always the husband or dad. I played doctor with the little girls and got dragged home by my mother after literally being naked in the back of an abandoned car (at about 8 yrs old) with my girlfriend, feeling each other...in her back yard. I saw my first butch at 16 and my stomach dropped out but my straight friends whispered she was bad news but I was fascinated.

I kissed my first boy at 13 and he was my boyfriend. I had sex at 16 with my next boyfriend but wasn't crazy about it. I was with him until my next boyfriend that I married at 18 to escape my parents. At 21 I had sex with my female best friend but truly panicked. At some level, I knew what it meant for me. I would have to cross the homosexual bridge and I knew that I would lose my (tenuous) family. I had my first baby at 19 and was pregnant again at 20.

This was the 70's when swinging was a big deal, sexuality was more out of the closet and I knew that everyone in my life (except parents) would think that it was "cool" for me to say I was bisexual.

For a long time, it felt right to me but then, I had to acknowledge to myself, that it was a safe way to keep one foot in the heterosexual camp and one foot in the homosexual camp because I was so scared.

I wasn't trying to fool anyone except maybe myself. I had relationships with men and women for years after my teenage, doomed-to-end marriage ended.

This went on until fell I head over heels fell in love with my best friend and she with me. We both were dating each other and dating men until we realized that we really were gay.

It was terrifying for both of us. I feared losing my children and I did lose my parents (that I never really had anyway) and my two brothers were not about to make any kind of stand in support of me so I really lost them, too.

My first girl-friend still had attraction for and to men. It scared me. Maybe it is internalized homophobia, to worry that heterosexual privilege would be a bigger draw than to live life as a lesbian but I don't think that many would disagree that heterosexuality is in many ways a more accepted life than a homosexual life.

It is the reality of our world. It is the fear that I felt back then. I can't speak for other lesbians but perhaps they have some of the same fears of losing a love for the same reason. I place no blame, it is what it is. We all have our fears.

Once I made my peace with who I really was and then met my long-term ex, I never did look back. I could see that I truly was a lesbian and that it fit me like a glove.

I don't hate, fear or dislike bisexual people any more than I do trans folk.

My journey is mine, as is yours.

None of us know where we will wind up in when we start that journey in the beginning.

I do believe that sexuality is a continuum. I do believe that some of us are bisexual in the same way some of us are lesbian, gay, trans or genderqueer. I don't think any of us are any better or worse than the other. By the same token, nor do I want anyone to feel that being a lesbian is "less than" or something to fear or to be afraid that someone would think that they were a lesbian.

Sometimes, I feel badly when I hear or read that folks want to emphasize that they are not lesbians. It makes me think that they feel it is something not ok to be. Maybe we all want to not be misidentified because it was a hard journey to arrive where we are. I can accept that. We are all human.

We all have to look in in the mirror at some point and own who we really are.

Our sexuality is our own.

People that live in fear have their own journey. I am glad that I am not afraid anymore.

[Bel]

Originally Posted by indigo

But why is that so? I can't yet draw on broad experiences as I am like "in the making" with this part of my identity. I have lesbian friends who have absolutely no problem with bisexual women/ people - and also, why should they? Yet one of them told me that for some this is problematic. For me this term somehow fits because I had relationships with men and this didn't feel wrong but at the same time it was not "it", so to speak, and yeah I was always into women as far as I can remember, at least since my teenage-hood. Then, doesn't the term bi-sexual indicate the dichotomy of sexes - a notion that I find questionable in many ways.

Hi again, Indigo!
It's true, some lesbians have serious problems with bi women, and it's very unfortunate. Why? Because bisexuals are seen as either "not really out"/closeted, indecisive, untrustworthy, sexually insatiable, upholding the patriarchy...and oh, transphobic. There are definitely bi transphobes out there in the world (bi trans folks in safer bi spaces often speak of that) but... that's an individual bigotry, not how bis define our bisexuality as a spectrum or culture. Back to your point—people OUTSIDE bi communities insist that the bi in bisexuality means two and that means bi people believe in only two genders and therefore, we're transphobic. (Nevermind that some trans folks actually *do* ID as male or female, SIGH) But.. the way we use and define bisexuality today actually comes from Kinsey and Kinsey's definition was defined as BOTH, not two, and BOTH WAYS as in BILATERAL, not "two". Kinsey defined bisexuality as an identity that moved bilaterally across the spectrum/scale (which is not perfect...) without settling on one single point. So, bisexuality is an umbrella term encompassing all these ways of moving bilaterally along that spectrum or around it.

All this to say: not even Kinsey believed in the existence of two genders. But bi people are easy targets...and most of the time.. we're battling perceptions that we don't even get to define.

[cathexis]

Was bi-sexual throughout my teen years all the way up to my 30s. It felt like I was stuck in a very isolated middle of the road. Straights didn't want me around as I was queer, but lesbians rejected me claiming that I wasn't a "real lesbian." Also, it was denied that bisexual womyn were womon identified womyn.

For all the womon accepting Lesbian Separatists in the lesbian community, there was a lot of judgment against womyn who loved differently. At least back in the late '70s-mid '80s, The Seps verbalized acceptance of other womyn, but did not always practice it.

We were thought of as traitors to the cause.

[indigo]

Originally Posted by cathexis

Was bi-sexual throughout my teen years all the way up to my 30s. It felt like I was stuck in a very isolated middle of the road. Straights didn't want me around as I was queer, but lesbians rejected me claiming that I wasn't a "real lesbian." Also, it was denied that bisexual womyn were womon identified womyn.

For all the womon accepting Lesbian Separatists in the lesbian community, there was a lot of judgment against womyn who loved differently. At least back in the late '70s-mid '80s, The Seps verbalized acceptance of other womyn, but did not always practice it.

We were thought of as traitors to the cause.

Damn, that's harsh Actually, I guess there are still quite some borders in my country between the communities of lesbians and bi-sexuals/ inter/ trans; but there is on the other hand a lot in motion - so I hope for a more inclusive atmosphere in the future.