Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

i have a huge fear of letting go completely, and becoming completely happy, living the dream, and truly seeing my happy ever after with the butch of my dreams, only to have the rug pulled out from under me for reasons beyond my control. *shudders*

You know what? I gotta say...this happened. It happened and I'm still here. I'm still breathing and living my life, day in and day out. Is it what I thought it would be at this point? Nope. But the life that was advertised and I bought into wasn't what showed up. I just couldn't see it for the fancy packaging. And that's not on me. I refuse to victim shame myself. That's absolutely 100% on them.

I had to take a look at the BIIIIIG picture and see it for what it was. I got hoodwinked. Hook, line and sinker. And that was a HUUUUGE fear for me all these years but it's kind of like going to the dentist or getting a shot or doing something that you have built up in your mind over and over to the point where it's some mountainous obstacle instead of the mole hill that it really is. The fear was worse than the event itself, really.

It happened. I survived. I have more scars for it, but nothing that I think will hurt the next person to be brave enough to approach me. I have learned....and re-learned....some lessons that I will absolutely adhere to going forward. That's a good thing, I think. Having healthy and reasonable boundaries is good. Patrolling and policing those boundaries is better. Not having to address any attempts to walk over or bulldoze those boundaries is best.

I feel a little surprised at how okay I am, actually. It was a hard lesson but I suppose I had to have it hard because I'm stubborn and bullheaded and very thick sometimes. Now, I've got it. I'm good.

*eyeballs Universe*

[homoe]

...............

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Gemme

You know what? I gotta say...this happened. It happened and I'm still here. I'm still breathing and living my life, day in and day out. Is it what I thought it would be at this point? Nope. But the life that was advertised and I bought into wasn't what showed up. I just couldn't see it for the fancy packaging. And that's not on me. I refuse to victim shame myself. That's absolutely 100% on them.

I had to take a look at the BIIIIIG picture and see it for what it was. I got hoodwinked. Hook, line and sinker. And that was a HUUUUGE fear for me all these years but it's kind of like going to the dentist or getting a shot or doing something that you have built up in your mind over and over to the point where it's some mountainous obstacle instead of the mole hill that it really is. The fear was worse than the event itself, really.

It happened. I survived. I have more scars for it, but nothing that I think will hurt the next person to be brave enough to approach me. I have learned....and re-learned....some lessons that I will absolutely adhere to going forward. That's a good thing, I think. Having healthy and reasonable boundaries is good. Patrolling and policing those boundaries is better. Not having to address any attempts to walk over or bulldoze those boundaries is best.

I feel a little surprised at how okay I am, actually. It was a hard lesson but I suppose I had to have it hard because I'm stubborn and bullheaded and very thick sometimes. Now, I've got it. I'm good.

*eyeballs Universe*

((((((((( Gemme ))))))))))))))

i absolutely hear you. i absolutely adore you, too

This is the stuff strong femmes are made of.

[Femmadian]

Vulnerability is my big bugaboo. When to give it, when to refrain, what's normal and what's not. I've been reading a lot on attachment styles lately and it's helped bring into focus a few things which needed attention and put words to other things I felt but was unable to name, such as the fear that with too much vulnerability, too much personal honesty, the person being allowed in will confirm your own deep down suspicions that something is fundamentally bad and unlovable about you. To even admit that I have those feelings at all makes my skin crawl. And then it's scary as hell to open yourself up to the possibility that those suspicions might be true... much easier to keep people at arm's length and never find out for sure (because what if the answer is yes?).

When your formative moments were had in an environment where the sort of personal vulnerability that's normal in any human relationship was regularly weaponized against you, then the maladaptive responses you've learned as survival instincts are very difficult to unlearn. Ignoring those instincts feels quite literally as though you're knowingly putting yourself in harm's way. To put it another way, it can be incredibly hard to calm even for a moment that wild-eyed horse you feel inside you who's getting ready to bolt at the first sign of sudden movement. Living like that, engaged in a perpetual fight or flight mode, is exhausting.

And it's hard to explain that in any meaningful way to someone who has had (by contrast) mostly secure, normative experiences in this regard without sounding at least a little crazy.

Another is really examining what it is about yourself that makes you attract exactly the kind of person you attract (as others have mentioned)... but also examining the kind of people you choose to cultivate relationships with and why. Even platonically, and for all of my life, I've tended to attract people who are essentially looking for a free therapist. I don't think that this is, in and of itself, necessarily a bad thing, but this kind of intense emotional support needs to be reciprocal. And most of my relationships just... aren't. It's a recipe for emotional burn out. As I've been trying to have a healthier relationship with stating my own needs and boundaries and attempting to open up more to the people who are important to me, it's been rather sobering to see just how quickly most of them shut down and tune out whenever I tentatively take a step forward (we're talking attention spans of 20 seconds or less). It's kind of depressing.

So in a way, one of my relationship fears is largely being realized right now, namely that as I'm actually reaching out for the first time in my life (as messy and unpracticed as it naturally is), most of the people in it do not actually care that much about me beyond the superficial and beyond what I can do for them. Ouch.

I just... I can't do that anymore. I have way too much going on in my own life to always be carrying other people's burdens without any help with my own. Even as I type this now, I have to seriously fight the urge to hit the backspace key because I hate how needy and angsty it sounds and I don't want to be "one of those people" (whoever "those people" are), but fuck it. Something about insanity being doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result, you know?

And so now the fear is, what happens when you stop being someone's emotional beast of burden and who even are you as a friend or a partner (especially as a woman and a Femme) when you're no longer placing yourself in that role? Do you even have more to offer? When you define yourself by how much weight you can carry, what then happens when the day comes that you drop it?

Lots of heavy questions...

[RockOn]

Relationship fears?

I have no fears because I am happier single.

Every tiny bit of my trust was used up years ago. I am okay with all that now and okay having made the choice to stay single the rest of my life.

For me, this is a good deal and so uncomplicated.
I love my quiet life with my dogs.

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by Femmadian

Vulnerability is my big bugaboo. When to give it, when to refrain, what's normal and what's not. I've been reading a lot on attachment styles lately and it's helped bring into focus a few things which needed attention and put words to other things I felt but was unable to name, such as the fear that with too much vulnerability, too much personal honesty, the person being allowed in will confirm your own deep down suspicions that something is fundamentally bad and unlovable about you. To even admit that I have those feelings at all makes my skin crawl. And then it's scary as hell to open yourself up to the possibility that those suspicions might be true... much easier to keep people at arm's length and never find out for sure (because what if the answer is yes?).

When your formative moments were had in an environment where the sort of personal vulnerability that's normal in any human relationship was regularly weaponized against you, then the maladaptive responses you've learned as survival instincts are very difficult to unlearn. Ignoring those instincts feels quite literally as though you're knowingly putting yourself in harm's way. To put it another way, it can be incredibly hard to calm even for a moment that wild-eyed horse you feel inside you who's getting ready to bolt at the first sign of sudden movement. Living like that, engaged in a perpetual fight or flight mode, is exhausting.

And it's hard to explain that in any meaningful way to someone who has had (by contrast) mostly secure, normative experiences in this regard without sounding at least a little crazy.

Another is really examining what it is about yourself that makes you attract exactly the kind of person you attract (as others have mentioned)... but also examining the kind of people you choose to cultivate relationships with and why. Even platonically, and for all of my life, I've tended to attract people who are essentially looking for a free therapist. I don't think that this is, in and of itself, necessarily a bad thing, but this kind of intense emotional support needs to be reciprocal. And most of my relationships just... aren't. It's a recipe for emotional burn out. As I've been trying to have a healthier relationship with stating my own needs and boundaries and attempting to open up more to the people who are important to me, it's been rather sobering to see just how quickly most of them shut down and tune out whenever I tentatively take a step forward (we're talking attention spans of 20 seconds or less). It's kind of depressing.

So in a way, one of my relationship fears is largely being realized right now, namely that as I'm actually reaching out for the first time in my life (as messy and unpracticed as it naturally is), most of the people in it do not actually care that much about me beyond the superficial and beyond what I can do for them. Ouch.

I just... I can't do that anymore. I have way too much going on in my own life to always be carrying other people's burdens without any help with my own. Even as I type this now, I have to seriously fight the urge to hit the backspace key because I hate how needy and angsty it sounds and I don't want to be "one of those people" (whoever "those people" are), but fuck it. Something about insanity being doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result, you know?

And so now the fear is, what happens when you stop being someone's emotional beast of burden and who even are you as a friend or a partner (especially as a woman and a Femme) when you're no longer placing yourself in that role? Do you even have more to offer? When you define yourself by how much weight you can carry, what then happens when the day comes that you drop it?

Lots of heavy questions...

Brilliant post. I've been asking myself exactly the same questions.

[JDeere]

Rejection

Ruining the relationship like my past ones have been before

[JustLovelyJenn]

Being the only one to do the work...

[babydollfem]

My biggest fear in relationships is not being able to comfort/help my partner when they need it, not being able to make them feel safe. Sure I'm scared of being cheated on or having my heart broken just like everyone else but that one is the worst.

[~ocean]

Originally Posted by Gemme

You know what? I gotta say...this happened. It happened and I'm still here. I'm still breathing and living my life, day in and day out. Is it what I thought it would be at this point? Nope. But the life that was advertised and I bought into wasn't what showed up. I just couldn't see it for the fancy packaging. And that's not on me. I refuse to victim shame myself. That's absolutely 100% on them.

I had to take a look at the BIIIIIG picture and see it for what it was. I got hoodwinked. Hook, line and sinker. And that was a HUUUUGE fear for me all these years but it's kind of like going to the dentist or getting a shot or doing something that you have built up in your mind over and over to the point where it's some mountainous obstacle instead of the mole hill that it really is. The fear was worse than the event itself, really.

It happened. I survived. I have more scars for it, but nothing that I think will hurt the next person to be brave enough to approach me. I have learned....and re-learned....some lessons that I will absolutely adhere to going forward. That's a good thing, I think. Having healthy and reasonable boundaries is good. Patrolling and policing those boundaries is better. Not having to address any attempts to walk over or bulldoze those boundaries is best.

I feel a little surprised at how okay I am, actually. It was a hard lesson but I suppose I had to have it hard because I'm stubborn and bullheaded and very thick sometimes. Now, I've got it. I'm good.

*eyeballs Universe*

lovers come and go ~ a good friend and family r always there enjoy the relationships wether they last or not your inner prevails !