PTSD and Trauma recovery

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

I had an insight last week about why i always feel so sick with shame and dread the day after family/social/work functions that require extended interpersonal interactions with people who have not made my "safe" list.

I always spend the whole next day ruminating over my behavior and looking for shameful things that i did that might match up with the horrible feeling of having exposed myself.

In the past i have usually been able to identify some comment i made that seems thoughtless in retrospect and then i will connect all of my yucky feelings with that, and just shame myself for whatever i have identified as my own bad behavior.

Earlier this month, though, i spent a day feeling shamed about my behavior at an author event-- but, try as i might, i just could not find anything i had done that justified the shame.

Like, i had not spoken to anyone at all-- i just came in looking beautiful and sat listening respectfully, then waited in line to have my book signed and thanked the author for coming. Then i went home and i did not actually interact with anyone except the author and the lady next to me who asked my favorite of the author's titles. There was nothing at all in my own behavior that i could pin the yucky feelings to.

Last weekend the same thing happened. I had a very intense day at my dad's birthday, with four different traumatizers in the mix, and the next day i felt shame and regret and i still could not identify anything i had done that was at all problematic.

I have figured out that i am not feeling shame and regret, i am feeling exposure and vulnerability, and that these are not connected to my behavior.

Being around unsafe people makes me feel vulnerable and exposed, but i cannot function in the situation with those emotions at the surface, so i seal them up and push them down while the interaction is happening. The next day, when i am safely out of the situation, the feelings come to the surface to be felt and then i assign them a cause from my own behavior because i was raised to blame myself for everything.

OMG YOU GUYS

i found out yesterday that this is a real thing called a "vulnerability hangover" and Brene Brown covers it in a TED talk

i did not watch the TED Talk lol this is not a weekend for breakthroughs this is a weekend for armoring up

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

OMG YOU GUYS

i found out yesterday that this is a real thing called a "vulnerability hangover" and Brene Brown covers it in a TED talk

i did not watch the TED Talk lol this is not a weekend for breakthroughs this is a weekend for armoring up

I haven't listened yet, but just that term. I totally relate!!!

I hope your family thing went as smoothly as possible. <3 *hugs*

[Apocalipstic]

How was family thing DC? I hope you are OK!

Going to listen to that TED talk this week. Thank you!

[dark_crystal]

Thanks for asking, you guys. The family thing was fine-- Dad didn't mention the name thing and when i walked up on my aunt doing Tea Party voter outreach to my cousin, i interrupted it

Actually it was kind of fortuitous because my Aunt was ranting about illegal electioneering on the part of the school superintendent and i broke in with MY story about my Mayor trying to coerce ME into doing the same thing.

She really enjoyed that dirt (i emphasized the closed door and offer of protection [i've posted about this before, right?]) and who knows, she might tell her friends, and one of her friends was on that same Mayor's City Council, from the opposing party (and a very scary person just generally but whatevs).

SO maybe i just played two of my traumatizers against each other

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

Thanks for asking, you guys. The family thing was fine-- Dad didn't mention the name thing and when i walked up on my aunt doing Tea Party voter outreach to my cousin, i interrupted it

Actually it was kind of fortuitous because my Aunt was ranting about illegal electioneering on the part of the school superintendent and i broke in with MY story about my Mayor trying to coerce ME into doing the same thing.

She really enjoyed that dirt (i emphasized the closed door and offer of protection [i've posted about this before, right?]) and who knows, she might tell her friends, and one of her friends was on that same Mayor's City Council, from the opposing party (and a very scary person just generally but whatevs).

SO maybe i just played two of my traumatizers against each other

I'm glad the family thing went ok. Playing two of your traumatizers against each other sounds potentially fun lol.

I'm waiting on my therapist right now. I've been having nightmares ever since I heard that noise at my front door in the middle of the night and I can't stay asleep to save my life. I am so exhausted. I did do a piece of art having to do with a little piece of the trauma related to why that was so triggering but I forgot to bring it with me today.

I might do EMDR today but I'm not 100% sold on it yet.

[dark_crystal]

i have therapy this morning for the first time in two weeks and i did not do any of my homework (log cognitive distortions, list 5 good things that happened each day)

We will have a lot to talk about though bc i applied for a job three hours out of town. SHE will be thrilled but i feel all kinds of conflicted over it.

It's good bc there will be no homophobia and it's exactly the same pay at exactly the right level for me to step into at a big system. The best possible position i could hope for, really. Most librarians would be over the moon.

I just feel it's not right to relocate with our parents as ill as they are. Except my sister is planning to. And it is only 3 hours away.

i'm like, hoping not to be called

[candy_coated_bitch]

I have therapy today too. I might do EMDR if I'm feeling strong enough. I'm going out with a friend after so that should be good.

d_c, I kinda hope you do get a call lol. But I understand being hesitant to relocate, especially your ill parents. But it sounds like a great opportunity. I hope you are able to sort some of this stuff in therapy.

I'll keep you guys posted about my session, especially if we do EMDR.