PTSD and Trauma recovery

[dark_crystal]

The world is very hostile to us right now. I am usually driven to high achievement, but I've put a moratorium on ALL. OF. THAT.

I am in survival mode until further notice. I am barely able to function at work and have shamelessly slashed my duties to the bare minimum.

Speaking as a manager, I am advocating to anyone employed that they get themselves on intermittent FMLA and under an ADA reasonable accommodations agreement.

You can do it under PTSD and you don't really even need to ask for any accommodations beyond "positive feedback" or "sensory-friendly environment." Most doctors are comfortable recommending those. Once you have that paperwork your ass is covered for survival mode.

My intermittent FMLA status means I can walk out or call in at any time without a doctor's note, and my reasonable accommodation agreement means i can blame the environment for all of my mistakes.

Bare minimum for the duration.

The process was exhausting and traumatic:

I emailed HR and requested FMLA paperwork "for my serious health condition." They can't refuse this. Then I sent the forms to my psychiatrist and she sent them back to HR.

After HR had a phone convo with my doctor, they emailed me a letter stating intermittent FMLA was granted for a period of 12 months beginning and ending with (dates)

Once i had that letter, I sent them another email stating that i would like to request reasonable workplace accommodations for my serious health condition. HR came and interviewed me about my needs and had another phone convo with my psychiatrist, after which i got another letter.

Even if they don't grant both requests, you are on record as having made them, and will qualify for unemployment if you get fired.

[dark_crystal]

I left work at 11 am last Tuesday and I am on LegalMatch.com looking for a personal injury lawyer. Here is the case summary i posted:

My employee took unauthorized action behind my back, took documented steps to conceal her activities, and used these unauthorized activities and withheld information to publicly humiliate me twice, first in a departmental group text and then later in our shared suite, with my entire staff as witnesses. She did this despite her knowledge of my status as a person currently being treated for PTSD, and exploited her awareness of my autism and ADHD to justify her actions. This is the second incident. The first incident occurred in January 2020 and involved the unauthorized commitment of $50,000.00 in taxpayer funds

I am so messed up over this. I don't know when i will go back to work.

[Kätzchen]

I had my final visit by phone with the therapist I've had for the past 6 months and next week, she hands me off to a newly assigned therapist (from the same clinic).

I do have a massive case of PTSD. I only learned about it after a temp admin in the clinic office's home base location, mistakenly sent case notes to me rather than to my primary doctor. Among other things I read in my case notes, made by all therapists I have seen since two years ago now, is that I have a unique IQ. It's not enough to move me into another category (standard deviation section) but the way they talk about it in my case notes leaves me with the knowledge that I'm not exactly a 'special snowflake' but a snowflake that is resilient and not exactly like other snowflakes.

I'm making fun of myself, in case it's not obvious.

In other news: I committed myself to another year of therapy with the same clinic. I feel tremendous support from the set of clinician's I have seen over the past two years. I feel like positive progress is taking place in my life and although my life right now is anything but serene (ie, monster neighbor with toddler syndrome makes it terribly hard on me right now), I know that I am developing critical skills in self advocacy and problem solving techniques and sustaining a level of resilience that marks my life as being an remarkable account of doing more than just surviving, but living life to the best of my ability. Which is pretty remarkable, to me. I feel incredible support from the clinic who provides me with more than competent clinicians.

Oh, and the next clinician I have will not be female. It will be the first time I have had a male clinician. So, not sure how the next 6 months will go, but I'm giving it a chance.

Sending wellness wishes to all,
~K.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

I had my final visit by phone with the therapist I've had for the past 6 months and next week, she hands me off to a newly assigned therapist (from the same clinic).

I do have a massive case of PTSD. I only learned about it after a temp admin in the clinic office's home base location, mistakenly sent case notes to me rather than to my primary doctor. Among other things I read in my case notes, made by all therapists I have seen since two years ago now, is that I have a unique IQ. It's not enough to move me into another category (standard deviation section) but the way they talk about it in my case notes leaves me with the knowledge that I'm not exactly a 'special snowflake' but a snowflake that is resilient and not exactly like other snowflakes.

I'm making fun of myself, in case it's not obvious.

In other news: I committed myself to another year of therapy with the same clinic. I feel tremendous support from the set of clinician's I have seen over the past two years. I feel like positive progress is taking place in my life and although my life right now is anything but serene (ie, monster neighbor with toddler syndrome makes it terribly hard on me right now), I know that I am developing critical skills in self advocacy and problem solving techniques and sustaining a level of resilience that marks my life as being an remarkable account of doing more than just surviving, but living life to the best of my ability. Which is pretty remarkable, to me. I feel incredible support from the clinic who provides me with more than competent clinicians.

Oh, and the next clinician I have will not be female. It will be the first time I have had a male clinician. So, not sure how the next 6 months will go, but I'm giving it a chance.

Sending wellness wishes to all,
~K.

You don't have to have a sky-high IQ to be impacted by the challenges and benefits of giftedness.

There is a theory that we can only communicate effectively with people inside a 30-point range. Whether you are in the top 2% or the top 25%, there are going to be impacts from that.

Congrats on having resilience, though. I am told i need to get some of that

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

I left work at 11 am last Tuesday and I am on LegalMatch.com looking for a personal injury lawyer. Here is the case summary i posted:

My employee took unauthorized action behind my back, took documented steps to conceal her activities, and used these unauthorized activities and withheld information to publicly humiliate me twice, first in a departmental group text and then later in our shared suite, with my entire staff as witnesses. She did this despite her knowledge of my status as a person currently being treated for PTSD, and exploited her awareness of my autism and ADHD to justify her actions. This is the second incident. The first incident occurred in January 2020 and involved the unauthorized commitment of $50,000.00 in taxpayer funds

I am so messed up over this. I don't know when i will go back to work.

i am still at home. I had a meeting with an HR assistant (not the director) on the 28th, and i told her that i will feel able to return once this employee has been disciplined, removed from my direct reports, and relocated to a different suite.

The assistant went to discuss it with the Director and said she would get back with me. I am still waiting.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

i am still at home. I had a meeting with an HR assistant (not the director) on the 28th, and i told her that i will feel able to return once this employee has been disciplined, removed from my direct reports, and relocated to a different suite.

The assistant went to discuss it with the Director and said she would get back with me. I am still waiting.

My boss has appointed the bully as interim Department Head in my absence

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

i am still at home. I had a meeting with an HR assistant (not the director) on the 28th, and i told her that i will feel able to return once this employee has been disciplined, removed from my direct reports, and relocated to a different suite.

The assistant went to discuss it with the Director and said she would get back with me. I am still waiting.

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

My boss has appointed the bully as interim Department Head in my absence

Yesterday was two weeks since the incident and I still get nausea and chills at the thought of entering the library.

I am improving in that the physical pain had ended by this past weekend. The doctor said that my hypermobility disorder causes emotional distress to trigger "somatosensory amplification," so my usual hip, neck, and shoulder pain were cranked up to an immobilizing extent in the days immediately following the incident.

BUT i can't read any books! The thought of just opening the library app on my phone gives me palpitations and clammy hands.

On the administrative side of things, HR has given me permission to do a written warning, IF my boss approves, but they do not feel moving her is warranted.

I typed up the corrective action form and now i am waiting for my boss to approve it. This is by no means guaranteed.

My primary doctor's recommended course of treatment following this trauma was to take a month off of work and use that time to attend therapy three times per week, and do Pilates at least two times per week.

I will be doing two virtual therapy sessions and will begin weekly in-person EMDR sessions tomorrow. I am seeing my psychiatrist next Friday. I am also seeing an autism specialist and I have committed to a three month Pilates package (expensive af but literally the only exercise allowed with hypermobility)

The Pilates is supposed to strengthen my muscles to the point where they are passively stabilizing my joints. Hypermobility plus my current state of emaciation means that my muscles are actively holding my joints together, and this increases the adrenaline in my bloodstream, which manifests as anxiety.

This anxiety is all chemical and just floating around in there, but it gets added to my PTSD-related anxieties and supposedly that is why i had such an "extreme" reaction to this particular trauma, according to my primary care doctor (my therapist does not consider my reaction extreme, and she was horrified to hear my bully had been given my job)

The thing is, I couldn't start Pilates until yesterday, due to pain, and it will be August 18 before my therapist can add the second virtual session, so I will not actually be in compliance with my treatment plan until the last two days of my month off. I am seeing her again on Friday and i will ask her if she can extend my recommended leave to September 21.

The EMDR therapist's office is near my parents' house, and the efficiency tyrant in me says to kill two birds with one stone and knock out my weekly visit with them immediately following therapy.

Am i correct in my understanding that i will come out of EMDR in a fairly raw state and not be in any condition to deal with my parents, who are implicated in my ongoing trauma?

[Kätzchen]

Yesterday, my therapist and the new therapist shared a 3-way phone call with me, so my therapist could introduce me to the new therapist and so that the new therapist could go over some things that we will continue covering in my PTSD sessions.

My biggest trigger is brought on by those who have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Both of my parents suffer narcissism (NPD) and three of my siblings have it too. Growing up in a household of competing narcissists (so crazy toxic) and separating myself from the prevailing sick winds of narcissism has been a lifelong struggle. It wasn't until T---p began to occupy the WH that it sent me into escalating panic attacks and escalated the PTSD I have suffered from, most of my life, but just never had a name for it until I had to reach out for help by my primary care physician, which led to me going for therapy for the past two years. When my abusive dad died this past February, I felt nothing except that his death marked the unraveling of the years long competition between him and my mother, but when my abusive father died, my mom has gotten worse and her constant helicoptering, secrecy about her next manipulative moves, etc., has made it hard on me because although I have put a fuck ton of distance between myself and my family, it doesn't stop them or faze them that I don't want to be a part of their sick and toxic behavioral ways that they live and communicate by, with each other (and others).

So, my new therapist asked me to chase down a copy of a book authored by Sandra Hotchkiss:
Why is it always about you? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism (August 7th, 2002).


One of the things my new therapist has asked me to do is to read the book and then begin a journal of notes about things I read in the book that connect to experiences I have lived through. So that is what I will be doing, until we meet for our first session in September and then for the next six months, we will work on the things I find that parallel my life experience and what I can do to help myself. Before the pandemic broke out, the new therapist I have been partnered with used to run a small group counseling session for those of us triggered severely by the people in our lives who have NPD.

It's going to be rough, like it always has been, but I am determined to overcome and do more than just survive.

Here's an introduction to the type of book I will be reading by Hotchkiss:

In this groundbreaking book -- the first popular book on narcissism in more than a decade -- clinical social worker and psychotherapist Sandy Hotchkiss shows you how to cope with controlling, egotistical people who are incapable of the fundamental give-and-take that sustains healthy relationships. Exploring how individuals come to have this shortcoming, why you get drawn into their perilous orbit, and what you can do to break free, Hotchkiss describes the "Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism" and their origins. You will learn to recognize these hallmarks of unhealthy narcissism -- Shamelessness, Magical Thinking, Arrogance, Envy, Entitlement, Exploitation, Bad Boundaries -- and to understand the roles that parenting and culture play in their creation. Whether the narcissist in question is a coworker, spouse, parent, or child, Why Is It Always About You? provides abundant practical advice for anyone struggling to break narcissism's insidious spread to the next generation, and for anyone who encounters narcissists in everyday life.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

Yesterday, my therapist and the new therapist shared a 3-way phone call with me, so my therapist could introduce me to the new therapist and so that the new therapist could go over some things that we will continue covering in my PTSD sessions.

My biggest trigger is brought on by those who have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Both of my parents suffer narcissism (NPD) and three of my siblings have it too. Growing up in a household of competing narcissists (so crazy toxic) and separating myself from the prevailing sick winds of narcissism has been a lifelong struggle. It wasn't until T---p began to occupy the WH that it sent me into escalating panic attacks and escalated the PTSD I have suffered from, most of my life, but just never had a name for it until I had to reach out for help by my primary care physician, which led to me going for therapy for the past two years. When my abusive dad died this past February, I felt nothing except that his death marked the unraveling of the years long competition between him and my mother, but when my abusive father died, my mom has gotten worse and her constant helicoptering, secrecy about her next manipulative moves, etc., has made it hard on me because although I have put a fuck ton of distance between myself and my family, it doesn't stop them or faze them that I don't want to be a part of their sick and toxic behavioral ways that they live and communicate by, with each other (and others).

So, my new therapist asked me to chase down a copy of a book authored by Sandra Hotchkiss:
Why is it always about you? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism (August 7th, 2002).


One of the things my new therapist has asked me to do is to read the book and then begin a journal of notes about things I read in the book that connect to experiences I have lived through. So that is what I will be doing, until we meet for our first session in September and then for the next six months, we will work on the things I find that parallel my life experience and what I can do to help myself. Before the pandemic broke out, the new therapist I have been partnered with used to run a small group counseling session for those of us triggered severely by the people in our lives who have NPD.

It's going to be rough, like it always has been, but I am determined to overcome and do more than just survive.

Here's an introduction to the type of book I will be reading by Hotchkiss:

I am putting that book on my list. Thanks!

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

Yesterday was two weeks since the incident and I still get nausea and chills at the thought of entering the library.

I am improving in that the physical pain had ended by this past weekend. The doctor said that my hypermobility disorder causes emotional distress to trigger "somatosensory amplification," so my usual hip, neck, and shoulder pain were cranked up to an immobilizing extent in the days immediately following the incident.

BUT i can't read any books! The thought of just opening the library app on my phone gives me palpitations and clammy hands.

On the administrative side of things, HR has given me permission to do a written warning, IF my boss approves, but they do not feel moving her is warranted.

I typed up the corrective action form and now i am waiting for my boss to approve it. This is by no means guaranteed.

My primary doctor's recommended course of treatment following this trauma was to take a month off of work and use that time to attend therapy three times per week, and do Pilates at least two times per week.

I will be doing two virtual therapy sessions and will begin weekly in-person EMDR sessions tomorrow. I am seeing my psychiatrist next Friday. I am also seeing an autism specialist and I have committed to a three month Pilates package (expensive af but literally the only exercise allowed with hypermobility)

The Pilates is supposed to strengthen my muscles to the point where they are passively stabilizing my joints. Hypermobility plus my current state of emaciation means that my muscles are actively holding my joints together, and this increases the adrenaline in my bloodstream, which manifests as anxiety.

This anxiety is all chemical and just floating around in there, but it gets added to my PTSD-related anxieties and supposedly that is why i had such an "extreme" reaction to this particular trauma, according to my primary care doctor (my therapist does not consider my reaction extreme, and she was horrified to hear my bully had been given my job)

The thing is, I couldn't start Pilates until yesterday, due to pain, and it will be August 18 before my therapist can add the second virtual session, so I will not actually be in compliance with my treatment plan until the last two days of my month off. I am seeing her again on Friday and i will ask her if she can extend my recommended leave to September 21.

The EMDR therapist's office is near my parents' house, and the efficiency tyrant in me says to kill two birds with one stone and knock out my weekly visit with them immediately following therapy.

Am i correct in my understanding that i will come out of EMDR in a fairly raw state and not be in any condition to deal with my parents, who are implicated in my ongoing trauma?

I am super 100% raw when I get out of EMDR. Not a good time to visit triggers.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I am super 100% raw when I get out of EMDR. Not a good time to visit triggers.

Yep. I tried it and had a meltdown in the car as soon as we left my parents'