Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

[JDeere]

Constant abandonment fears!

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

I think I'm probably done for this lifetime. I haven't been choosing well. Each relationship, (I almost wrote 'failed relationship'), has taught me a great deal about myself, but they've done nothing to alleviate my fears about the painful reality of becoming entangled with another person. They might have serious mental illness, or die on me, or turn out to be a consummate liar, or a thousand other possible negative outcomes which I haven't yet experienced, unlike the above mentioned negative possibilities which I have experienced.

I suppose that means I'm no longer afraid of what might happen in a relationship because I'm no longer interested in involving myself in another one. Do I fear the likelihood that I will not ever be in another romantic relationship? Perhaps. And I feel slightly relieved about it, too.

I definitely share the same sentiments as you Cheryl. You’ve been missed here so I hope you’re safe and well.

Originally Posted by Gemme

I think I've already been through the big relationship fear and came out alive. Not unscathed, of course, but I'm able to live another day. Maybe even love another day, but that's not my priority or goal. I'm good with me.

I absolutely understand waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling. It's the shadow on the edge that dims every moment of happiness, like you have to work extra hard to hold that memory tight before it's gone.

I have a tendency to give everything and that's not healthy for me. When I'm with someone, it's about us and the things I do work toward that but it's not always reciprocated or appreciated so I've swung back and forth on the pendulum either holding back too much for this person or giving too much and expecting too much from another.

Love is not about rainbows and fairy wings; it's science. It's pheromones and algorithmic formulas and I've never been great at science.

I like your last few lines about how “…love is not about rainbows and fairy wings, it’s about science”. So true. Loved reading your posts in this thread today.

Originally Posted by Chad

I have posted here before. I have been both verbally and physically abused by femmes. I think this is an important topic and we need to develop a safe place for BF folks in an abusive relationship.

Before it was me I was arrogant about it. I thought that "if you are in danger just leave". Now I know how hard it is to leave. There are threats against you and your family.

Femmes can be violent too.

Thanks for expressing your experience with femmes who can be violent too. I think that this is very true. I’ve seen women (femme or otherwise) with massive mean streaks and inclinations to be mean, ruthless, and violent, and as bullies. These types of people seem to be of the sort like a heat seeking missle… looking for the next person to brutalize with their sordid controlling ways. I’m sorry this happened to you, Chad. It’s happened to me too. Take heart that you were lucky enough to see them for who they are and that there is no room in your life for people who intentionally or otherwise mistreat you.

Originally Posted by Gemme

You know what? I gotta say...this happened. It happened and I'm still here. I'm still breathing and living my life, day in and day out. Is it what I thought it would be at this point? Nope. But the life that was advertised and I bought into wasn't what showed up. I just couldn't see it for the fancy packaging. And that's not on me. I refuse to victim shame myself. That's absolutely 100% on them.

I had to take a look at the BIIIIIG picture and see it for what it was. I got hoodwinked. Hook, line and sinker. And that was a HUUUUGE fear for me all these years but it's kind of like going to the dentist or getting a shot or doing something that you have built up in your mind over and over to the point where it's some mountainous obstacle instead of the mole hill that it really is. The fear was worse than the event itself, really.

It happened. I survived. I have more scars for it, but nothing that I think will hurt the next person to be brave enough to approach me. I have learned....and re-learned....some lessons that I will absolutely adhere to going forward. That's a good thing, I think. Having healthy and reasonable boundaries is good. Patrolling and policing those boundaries is better. Not having to address any attempts to walk over or bulldoze those boundaries is best.

I feel a little surprised at how okay I am, actually. It was a hard lesson but I suppose I had to have it hard because I'm stubborn and bullheaded and very thick sometimes. Now, I've got it. I'm good.

*eyeballs Universe*

I’ve been hoodwinked too. It hurts to be victimized by a predator type person. I get it, due to being victimized before.

Originally Posted by ~ocean

lovers come and go ~ a good friend and family r always there enjoy the relationships whether they last or not your inner prevails !

Thanks ocean for your timely views. Very sweet and understanding of you!! Where are you? How’s your family and you? I’m thinking of you today, my sister friend.

[Stone-Butch]

Been a few years since I have had a serious relationship and a while before I had that onle. Met in a chat room, seemed like a nice lady around my age. Her son had recently died and she was having a hard time living where he had passed and said she needed a break. SO, I had an empty bedroom and told her to come if she wanted to to get a breather. Well, she breathed for almost two years, went with me to bury my sister, things going well. Gone, yes gone with more than she came with. My things, some new, some treasures. Her name was not her name, neither was her address. Live and learn eh.
Living alone since then with a couple of dates, nothing spacific. Needing to learn to trust again. I am not looking for sweetness , I am looking for honesty and it seems hard to get these days. If I am to be alone then I will learn to live with the good past and not the evil this woman brought to my home. Yes I would like a partner that I can share with. I am old school and Stone and not all femmes care for this. So, I will wait here and if she comes into my life the better for both of us. I will treat her well and attempt to contribute to her happiness as this is within each person. I say BLAH to the pretenders.