The Art of Online Communication

[julieisafemme]

What a great thread!! I have been picked apart and it did hurt. I learned that there are certain subjects where it is better to keep my thoughts to myself.

I tend to be quite literal both in my posting and interpreting other's posts. I loathe snark. Sometimes I ask questions and that makes me appear to be stupid. That is my literal self. I need plainspeak sometimes to understand. I also am heavily dependent on tone of voice and body language to understand. I am learning how to do that online more and more. This makes me much less reactionary.

Another aspect of this is the persona one takes on in an online environment. Am I the same person online as I am offline? If I am talking the talk here am I walking the walk in real time? This, for me, would make if very difficult to engage in an online relationship.

ETA that I don't like that there is unlimited editing on posts!!!!

[Linus]

Sweet&Content: very interesting. Did you ever figure out why some thought you were ordering them around (that is, what the cause was)?

Boots13: I agree about the me-place. I'm curious if you've written from the me-place and whether others took it to be a general statement (it's an odd thing I've noticed that happens more online). How do you identify that your opinion should be interpreted as just yours and not speaking for others? Do you explicitly say that?

Also, sometimes my work hours are daunting and I'm away from the computer - which I'm afraid lends to an air of inaccessability..when in actuality it is my career obligation that has taken precedence over my ability to remain in a conversation.

This is something I'm very familar with. It's, I believe, a side-effect of our information age and the speed up of getting response NOW (NOW! NOW! NOW! ) With the advent of social networking mechanisms, like twitter, I believe this is accelerating the desire for instantaneous response to a query or post. Almost as if life is only online and not anywhere else. (am I understanding this the same way?)

juliaisafemme: that is a challenge. And then, if I can guess, you wonder whether others are true as the person they are or is it a face? (We all have various faces we show -- different towards friends, family, lovers, etc.) Personally, I am the same in person as I am online (I have no concept of how to hide myself; must be the naive Canadian in me )

Why do you dislike snark? What is it that turns you off? Do you feel the same way about sarcasm or dry humor?

And ya. We left the edit option to unlimited. Since the system records when someone makes a change, it's pretty obvious. We kinda also believe y'all are adults.

[julieisafemme]

Originally Posted by Linus

Sweet&Content: very interesting. Did you ever figure out why some thought you were ordering them around (that is, what the cause was)?

Boots13: I agree about the me-place. I'm curious if you've written from the me-place and whether others took it to be a general statement (it's an odd thing I've noticed that happens more online). How do you identify that your opinion should be interpreted as just yours and not speaking for others? Do you explicitly say that?




This is something I'm very familar with. It's, I believe, a side-effect of our information age and the speed up of getting response NOW (NOW! NOW! NOW! ) With the advent of social networking mechanisms, like twitter, I believe this is accelerating the desire for instantaneous response to a query or post. Almost as if life is only online and not anywhere else. (am I understanding this the same way?)

juliaisafemme: that is a challenge. And then, if I can guess, you wonder whether others are true as the person they are or is it a face? (We all have various faces we show -- different towards friends, family, lovers, etc.) Personally, I am the same in person as I am online (I have no concept of how to hide myself; must be the naive Canadian in me )

Why do you dislike snark? What is it that turns you off? Do you feel the same way about sarcasm or dry humor?

And ya. We left the edit option to unlimited. Since the system records when someone makes a change, it's pretty obvious. We kinda also believe y'all are adults.

Well I had thought I was the same person too! Apparently I am not. I think it is more that we share certain aspects of ourselves and not others. It is easier here to be your best self. It is a very public persona but also allows for intimate disclosures that create an image of transparency or a sense of knowing someone that is not entirely real. Like someone posted about the person with the blog who was shocked when it seemed like people knew him.

Snark to me is lazy. It seems sometimes people are more interested in writing something clever and zingy then in contributing to a conversation. It feels mean spirited. Sarcasm can be ok and dry humor is the best. But all three are very different things to me.

[Boots13]

Originally Posted by Linus

Boots13: I agree about the me-place. I'm curious if you've written from the me-place and whether others took it to be a general statement (it's an odd thing I've noticed that happens more online). How do you identify that your opinion should be interpreted as just yours and not speaking for others? Do you explicitly say that?

Well, I guess I preface or introduce statements with how it made me feel or how it reminds me of something I've done, or how a statement elicits my opinion or provokes my emotion, or MY perceived conduct of another.

I try not to say You (You did, you need to, you are)...I cant own YOU or how YOU made me feel...I can own ME and how I interpret or react to information.

I hope this makes sense.

But I'm also aware that upon seeing a post full of me, me, me, I, me, I, me, can appear to be ego-centric...that I'm trying to make something all about me...I'm not, but its always such a juggle.

And usually tread a neutral line because my day is full of conflict resolution, diffusing disturbances, intervening in highly emotional confrontations...so I enjoy my online time, but often I'm just too tired to really dig into hot topics.

[Kenna]

Originally Posted by Linus

Sweet&Content: very interesting. Did you ever figure out why some thought you were ordering them around (that is, what the cause was?)

My apologies for my delayed response Linus... no disrespect intended, been away for a bit..

Did I figure the cause out? Yeah, kinda... and maybe that's why I resigned in September after feeling like things would never change? I'll try to explain... It was the people at work (only, not those I converse with online) that sometimes felt like I was ordering them around. But, then again, I WAS the only Manager and Project/Program Consultant (wearing many hats) in the whole State for a state-funded preventive health program for children. With my communications to my friends or my support of online forums such as BFP, I handle myself entirely different... here, I am a valued member of the Community... with a voice and a unique personality, that is respected for who I am. At work, I was a Boss that had to FIGHT to get things done...and often times had to deal with hostile personalities in a professional but abrupt manner. Sometimes I got fed-up with fighting and my emotions would show through during my communications...

I had to take an "authoritative tone of voice" and send many online communications to follow-up on project progress...often times I had to take this tone too strongly and show a "kick-ass attitude" far too often...that tone may set the stage for others to be offended, even if they were in the wrong to begin with? I had to learn to be very careful with my online communications. I wanted to foster a work environment where everyone felt as if they were a valuable member, and where their views would be listened to and addressed APPROPRIATELY and RESPECTFULLY... even if the answer was No.

Several individuals on our team felt threatened by me in an authority role and with my "tone" both online and in person because I had to be the boss...other individuals were afraid to speak up because of hostility & intimidation they felt from workgroup members which always acted like they ran the show and had the "right" to talk to others in a hostile manner. (on a side note...there are specific online discussion forums that I am afraid -sometimes very afraid - to speak up or share my views because of the hostile manner in which I am addressed in their return online communications and their "attacking tone", even from the administration of that particular forum. I have left that discussion forum/online community - or rarely ever participate - because I felt things would never change. ) The hostile individuals I had to deal with at work especially didn't like it when I took over the job and proceeded to work out long-standing issues with their personality conflicts and lack of proper communication skills. Not to mention, they shared very little respect for me when they learned I was hired as an authority figure...with no true formal college education. (my education or lack thereof does not make me a less or better person... or my views or work less important....)

Like you just said, Linus, "y'all are adults"... my question is, why couldn't they ACT like adults with their communication to others? I believe, after much thought on the issue, that they thought I was ordering them around because they wanted to "get on their soap-box" about issues, but didn't want to take or share personal responsibility for their work, actions or proper communications and could care less about respecting or accepting others. Taking and sharing responsibility, especially for one's own actions (instead of bullying or intimidating others through verbal or written communication, or forcing your views/opinions on your workgroup members without being open-minded to respect or other possible views, or being nasty to someone just so you can stand your ground..etc.) is very much a part of responsible, respectful adult communication...rather online or in person.

(sorry for the ramble...when you're as tired as I am, it's harder to form thoughts...)

Now... it's time to go make Naked Snow Angels in our new, fresh snow! Who wants to take pictures? LOL

[Gemme]

In response to the question about one's perceptions based on another's avatar, I'd say that I do do that. Our avatars are a way to express ourselves. Now, some don't have paid memberships and so, are limited in their avi options, but still....we choose what suits us best out of the options we have.

So, if someone puts up an ominous looking one (and if I haven't had any communication with them to suggest otherwise), I'm going to assume that that person is not necessarily morbid or pessimistic or has a tiny black heart but I will deduce that s/he is not the bright, light, fluffy type. Sometimes what we don't see tells us more than what we do see.

[Kenna]

Originally Posted by Gemme

In response to the question about one's perceptions based on another's avatar, I'd say that I do do that. Our avatars are a way to express ourselves. Now, some don't have paid memberships and so, are limited in their avi options, but still....we choose what suits us best out of the options we have.

So, if someone puts up an ominous looking one (and if I haven't had any communication with them to suggest otherwise), I'm going to assume that that person is not necessarily morbid or pessimistic or has a tiny black heart but I will deduce that s/he is not the bright, light, fluffy type. Sometimes what we don't see tells us more than what we do see.

I agree... avatars and signature lines sometimes give me a feeling of "should I or shouldn't I address this person?" I don't mean anything negative or disrespectful by that... It's just if I see a really "dark" or "brooding" avi or signature picture/quote, I will avoid conversing with that person until I know more about them.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Linus,

This is another great thread! I am like you are - visual. Words clog me up. I struggle all the time.

I have no clue if someone is joking with me or not, when I am being honest and sincere in a thread. Then I get set-up to be laughed at. I am used to it. That is just how it was for me in school. I am very quiet, and reserved.

I have to trust certain folks to lean on, like yourself, to explain things to me. Without that trust and help, I know I would not be here.

[Kenna]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Linus,

This is another great thread! I am like you are - visual. Words clog me up. I struggle all the time.

I have no clue if someone is joking with me or not, when I am being honest and sincere in a thread. Then I get set-up to be laughed at. I am used to it. That is just how it was for me in school. I am very quiet, and reserved.

I have to trust certain folks to lean on, like yourself, to explain things to me. Without that trust and help, I know I would not be here.

Hi Andrew, Jr.,
I just wanted to share, if I may? ... You are not alone and I support you. School/childhood was misery for me, especially when I just couldn't get it when other kids were being sarcastic or joking...or making a joke out of me. I often would "walk right into" it and end up being tormented and laughed at because I couldn't pick up on cues. Online banter, sarcasm, jokes or a situation where the communication is too vague or ambiguous leaves me wondering "are they joking? are they serious? what did I miss here? If I don't get it, will they think I'm a duntz and laugh AT me?"...etc... I, too, tend to be quite and reserved...preferring to observe rather than participate in the conversation...
Enjoy your evening and thanks for sharing your thoughts!
S&C

Ps.. I would rather read a person's body and facial language so I can get a clue as to their real intentions or emotions, than reading their words or second-guess at their intended communication efforts. I can tell more from their face if they are joking with me, than I can from their written words.

[Linus]

Sigh. I had a huge response to a variety of posts and Firefox crashed on me. I'll have to come back later today (lunch time perhaps) and respond then. Sorry.

[Kenna]

Originally Posted by Linus

Sigh. I had a huge response to a variety of posts and Firefox crashed on me. I'll have to come back later today (lunch time perhaps) and respond then. Sorry.