Open Letter: Dear Femme

apretty · 12-13-2009, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blush

Do the terms "high" and "low" femme add to this feeling of not being "femme enough?" They've always felt like a ranking system to me.

don't even get me started.

i am so overly done with the term *high* femme as if there's some HIGHerarcy of femme--if that's the case,
where are all the HIGH butches?

i recall this sort-of date i had, years ago with this not-extremely well put together (which i don't mind, but bare with me, i have a point), nor educated in the ways of "how you conduct yourself on a dinner with me" type-butch. it was summer, i was wearing a teal blouse, black capris and cute sandals (hello! date-appropriate femme-wear! duh!) well this misguided and khaki-shorts-wearing butch sat across from me at this *pizzeria* and began to compare *femme* --his preference for *high* femme (while i denounce the term) and what it means to be *high femme* and it all basically came down to the heels and stockings that this *other* lady-femme-person apparently *lived* in evening wear 24/7. really? to the grocery store? that's just stupid. i repeat, it's stupid to wear evening wear to the grocery store and it does NOT make you HIGH anything.

i mean what the holy fuck--well, next he informed me that i'm not a *natural* submissive--which, enthralled me, because (tongue-in-cheek, here) i am sure, like all of my good sister femmes, i too love being told "about me" by someone i don't know/didn't ask (and who i have zero intention of submitting to/for because frankly, it takes something a little more than a daddy 'title' to get me there. see:

) ok, and if i sound rude, NONE of these people are on this website and i have no ill will towards this person--really, he just was/is misguided in his attempt to define *femme* to me (and not expect that i'll take the opportunity to fuck with him). and the topper: when all is said and done, i am not being a HIGH or GOOD femme because i am extremely disagreeable. and frankly, i can be disagreeable a LOT of the time--it doesn't take from or add to my GENDER.

/end rant. and i blame my sister-femme, blush for getting me all riled on a sunday.

Arwen · 12-13-2009, 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by apretty

a teal blouse, black capris and cute sandals (hello! date-appropriate femme-wear! duh!) well this misguided and khaki-shorts-wearing butch sat across from me at this *pizzeria* and began to compare *femme* --his preference for *high* femme (while i denounce the term) and what it means to be *high femme* and it all basically came down to the heels and stockings that this *other* lady-femme-person apparently *lived* in evening wear 24/7. really? to the grocery store? that's just stupid. i repeat, it's stupid to wear evening wear to the grocery store and it does NOT make you HIGH anything.

Holy Hannah! I'd have left him sitting there with cheese hanging out of his mouth.

Now THAT ranking annoys me. I wasn't even considering it coming from a Butch. That one needed an attitude adjustment and I hope you gave him one.

That kind of ranking is about someone else needing to be seen by who is on their arm. That's a shallowness none of us need in our lives. And I'm glad you learned that about that

before you actually developed any relationship with him.

apretty · 12-13-2009, 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arwen

Holy Hannah! I'd have left him sitting there with cheese hanging out of his mouth.

Now THAT ranking annoys me. I wasn't even considering it coming from a Butch. That one needed an attitude adjustment and I hope you gave him one.

That kind of ranking is about someone else needing to be seen by who is on their arm. That's a shallowness none of us need in our lives. And I'm glad you learned that about that

before you actually developed any relationship with him.

yes, well you can only try to educate so much... i don't think a word of what i was saying got through at all. and honestly, sometimes i'll participate in a situation longer than is necessary because i'm fascinated by what someone is saying/doing--and not the good fascinated, more like morbid curiosity. this was definitely one of those times. and well, i had to share--that was a real life *example* of what "high femme" means to some--and i am sadly of the thinking that he isn't the only one that thinks like that. (that's what really bothers me.)

Arwen · 12-13-2009, 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by apretty

yes, well you can only try to educate so much... i don't think a word of what i was saying got through at all. and honestly, sometimes i'll participate in a situation longer than is necessary because i'm fascinated by what someone is saying/doing--and not the good fascinated, more like morbid curiosity. this was definitely one of those times. and well, i had to share--that was a real life *example* of what "high femme" means to some--and i am sadly of the thinking that he isn't the only one that thinks like that. (that's what really bothers me.)

I have to wonder if that isn't a case of media socialization or if that was what his mom was like.

may have helped but you are right...some people don't want to learn.

And that's probably okay. Those that want an Angelina Jolie body with a Donna Reed personality and Paula Deen in the kitchen are going to be searching a long damned time. I kind of feel sorry for the emptiness in them that will never ever get filled.

And those femmes who are constantly trying to cram themselves into that picture frame... how do they do it?

apretty · 12-13-2009, 11:23 AM

i just don't think it's real. and i'm about calling out the shit when i see it.

and i can totally understand someone with an overly developed sense of fashion (hello, i worked in womens' retail for years!) wanting another person with *also* an overly developed sense of fashion.... but you (in my world) don't get to dress like a schlub (EZ's word) and talk to me about stockings, heels and pencil skirts (not that he'd know what a pencil skirt was). that sooooo doesn't work for me. i am the type of person to point that all out (when my more subtle methods haven't worked, of course).

evolveme · 12-13-2009, 12:08 PM

Mm. Well.

I thought "high" and "low" femme were merely reflective of altered and mood states.

SuperFemme · 12-13-2009, 12:18 PM

I scare the Arwen? I am pretty sure my perception is not skewed about you Arwen. You are the epitome of Strong/Hot/Femme to me. You don't take shit, you speak your mind and you do it all while looking gorgeous. Jeans and a t-shirt look as alluring on you as a ball gown. You shine from the inside out.

Remember Vegas Arwen? You danced the entire night at the Ball and I sat in a chair with nobody willing to approach me, talk to me, or ask me to dance. You came over twitterpated and told me you felt like the Bell of the Ball. It was transformative for you. I told you that i felt i-n-v-i-s-i-b-l-e. You were shocked.

I was not. I am used to it. I don't make effort to "perform" Femme. I really am just me all of the time. My world view doesn't measure girliness in others, but rather cerebral stimulation, kindness, empathy, and heart. All of which you carry very well. I'm not high. I'm not low. I don't see others as high or low in any kind of rating system or higherarchy (thanks ap).

I may or may not be confuzzled on how I could possibly scare you. Pet my head please.

Arwen · 12-13-2009, 12:34 PM

I so want to borrow your mirror to look at myself in. I do remember dancing that night away and feeling like a Belle of the Ball. It was transformative to me (And that cute Katanaboi helped, lol).

When you and I went shopping...I felt like this ignoramus. I had no clue what Sephora was. I was so sure you would see through me and realize I was just a pretend femme.

: pats your pretty head: I love you and have learned a lot from you about being myself and not worrying about what others think I should be.

You are, whether you like it or not, one of my role models.

When I think of you (no I don't touch my elf), I think of what perserverance and self-honesty look like. I think of a beautiful woman who conquers adversity on a daily basis. I think of someone I want to be more like.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

I scare the Arwen? I am pretty sure my perception is not skewed about you Arwen. You are the epitome of Strong/Hot/Femme to me. You don't take shit, you speak your mind and you do it all while looking gorgeous. Jeans and a t-shirt look as alluring on you as a ball gown. You shine from the inside out.

Remember Vegas Arwen? You danced the entire night at the Ball and I sat in a chair with nobody willing to approach me, talk to me, or ask me to dance. You came over twitterpated and told me you felt like the Bell of the Ball. It was transformative for you. I told you that i felt i-n-v-i-s-i-b-l-e. You were shocked.

I was not. I am used to it. I don't make effort to "perform" Femme. I really am just me all of the time. My world view doesn't measure girliness in others, but rather cerebral stimulation, kindness, empathy, and heart. All of which you carry very well. I'm not high. I'm not low. I don't see others as high or low in any kind of rating system or higherarchy (thanks ap).

I may or may not be confuzzled on how I could possibly scare you. Pet my head please.

12-13-2009, 12:08 PM	#6
evolveme Member How Do You Identify?: honeysuckle venom Preferred Pronoun?: a pistol and a sugar cane Relationship Status: I promise to aid and abet Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: in between poems where ceilings are floors and joe ghost floats achromatic toward day Posts: 514 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 229 Thanked 736 Times in 228 Posts Rep Power: 503698	Mm. Well. I thought "high" and "low" femme were merely reflective of altered and mood states. __________________ Class, race, sexuality, gender and all other categories by which we categorize and dismiss each other need to be excavated from the inside. - Dorothy Allison

12-13-2009, 11:23 AM	#5
apretty Senior Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: sea shell Relationship Status: married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: san diego Posts: 1,687 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,927 Thanked 4,374 Times in 1,012 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	i just don't think it's real. and i'm about calling out the shit when i see it. and i can totally understand someone with an overly developed sense of fashion (hello, i worked in womens' retail for years!) wanting another person with also an overly developed sense of fashion.... but you (in my world) don't get to dress like a schlub (EZ's word) and talk to me about stockings, heels and pencil skirts (not that he'd know what a pencil skirt was). that sooooo doesn't work for me. i am the type of person to point that all out (when my more subtle methods haven't worked, of course).

12-13-2009, 12:18 PM	#7
SuperFemme Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Permanently Banned 10/24/2010 Preferred Pronoun?: She. Relationship Status: Married (one of 18,000) Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Atascadero, CA Posts: 4,933 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,309 Thanked 7,108 Times in 2,327 Posts Rep Power: 0	I scare the Arwen? I am pretty sure my perception is not skewed about you Arwen. You are the epitome of Strong/Hot/Femme to me. You don't take shit, you speak your mind and you do it all while looking gorgeous. Jeans and a t-shirt look as alluring on you as a ball gown. You shine from the inside out. Remember Vegas Arwen? You danced the entire night at the Ball and I sat in a chair with nobody willing to approach me, talk to me, or ask me to dance. You came over twitterpated and told me you felt like the Bell of the Ball. It was transformative for you. I told you that i felt i-n-v-i-s-i-b-l-e. You were shocked. I was not. I am used to it. I don't make effort to "perform" Femme. I really am just me all of the time. My world view doesn't measure girliness in others, but rather cerebral stimulation, kindness, empathy, and heart. All of which you carry very well. I'm not high. I'm not low. I don't see others as high or low in any kind of rating system or higherarchy (thanks ap). I may or may not be confuzzled on how I could possibly scare you. Pet my head please.