Grieving

little man · 12-14-2009, 08:42 AM

last year, my sister-in-law's oldest girl died of an accidental tylenol overdose at the age of 19. since we buried her, my sis-in-law goes regularly to the cemetery to visit. my brother tells me it seems to make her feel better, more at peace.

i did not attend my mother's visitation, memorial or burial. i have stopped at the cemetery once in the last two weeks.

so, here's my question:

do any of you visit the grave of your lost loved ones on a regular basis? if so, what do you get from that? if not, why not?

NotAnAverageGuy · 12-14-2009, 08:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by little man

last year, my sister-in-law's oldest girl died of an accidental tylenol overdose at the age of 19. since we buried her, my sis-in-law goes regularly to the cemetery to visit. my brother tells me it seems to make her feel better, more at peace.

i did not attend my mother's visitation, memorial or burial. i have stopped at the cemetery once in the last two weeks.

so, here's my question:

do any of you visit the grave of your lost loved ones on a regular basis? if so, what do you get from that? if not, why not?

Little Man,

I had a niece who was stillborn on Christmas Day of last year, I still have not come to terms with it along with her mother, who is my best friend. I have visited her grave maybe once over a year, I do not get closure because I didn't get to formally say goodbye or even hold her, so I am still angry. My godmother passed away in June of 2008 and I was there for the funeral only, I still haven't come to terms with this either. I am not one who deals well with death, I may visit to talk to them and let them know I am sorry but the visiting mainly hashes up old feelings that I know I am not ready to cope with yet.

I saw the picture of your mom and you on the gallery, it broke my heart to know she had passed, the photo shows how much love y'all had for each other.

I do know in due time it does get easier and I pray you can find your answers from within in due time.

little man · 12-14-2009, 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

Little Man,

I had a niece who was stillborn on Christmas Day of last year, I still have not come to terms with it along with her mother, who is my best friend. I have visited her grave maybe once over a year, I do not get closure because I didn't get to formally say goodbye or even hold her, so I am still angry. My godmother passed away in June of 2008 and I was there for the funeral only, I still haven't come to terms with this either. I am not one who deals well with death, I may visit to talk to them and let them know I am sorry but the visiting mainly hashes up old feelings that I know I am not ready to cope with yet.

I saw the picture of your mom and you on the gallery, it broke my heart to know she had passed, the photo shows how much love y'all had for each other.

I do know in due time it does get easier and I pray you can find your answers from within in due time.

i was with my mom when she passed. all of us kids were. we had opportunity to talk with her beforehand, to say whatever needed to be said. i was able to hug her one last time, kiss her head when she was gone. i did see her at the funeral home when we took up flowers and pictures and her artwork. nothing. she wasn't there. i felt the same when i stopped off at the cemetery, nothing...she wasn't there.

i feel her more acutely when i'm driving, when i come home from work and she's not sitting at the table waiting for me. the house doesn't feel quite right without her here, but i suppose i'll get used to that eventually.

my family has always been a funeral-going, cemetery-visiting bunch. i just don't feel any connection at the cemetery. because of the way i was raised, i feel a little bad about not going up there. i don't see the point in being there, if she's not there and i can't even feel her there. jeez, i'm babbling, i think.

i think i'm just trying to find my own way to grieve this and still maintain some sort of spiritual connection to her. i think it may well come in the form of taking care of her roses and keeping her garden beds up. when i apply myself to the things she loved, i definitely feel connected and a part of her.

just trying to sort through this and be ok with what works for me.

thanks for sharing. much appreciated.

Jet · 12-14-2009, 03:03 PM

My mom died of unknown causes in 2000. being an only child we were best friends. i have yet to grieve her death.

Andrew, Jr. · 12-14-2009, 05:49 PM

Jet,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I understand.

Love,
Andrew

NotAnAverageGuy · 12-14-2009, 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by little man

i was with my mom when she passed. all of us kids were. we had opportunity to talk with her beforehand, to say whatever needed to be said. i was able to hug her one last time, kiss her head when she was gone. i did see her at the funeral home when we took up flowers and pictures and her artwork. nothing. she wasn't there. i felt the same when i stopped off at the cemetery, nothing...she wasn't there.

i feel her more acutely when i'm driving, when i come home from work and she's not sitting at the table waiting for me. the house doesn't feel quite right without her here, but i suppose i'll get used to that eventually.

my family has always been a funeral-going, cemetery-visiting bunch. i just don't feel any connection at the cemetery. because of the way i was raised, i feel a little bad about not going up there. i don't see the point in being there, if she's not there and i can't even feel her there. jeez, i'm babbling, i think.

i think i'm just trying to find my own way to grieve this and still maintain some sort of spiritual connection to her. i think it may well come in the form of taking care of her roses and keeping her garden beds up. when i apply myself to the things she loved, i definitely feel connected and a part of her.

just trying to sort through this and be ok with what works for me.

thanks for sharing. much appreciated.

Possibly so, find your own way Wil.

And no problem in sharing, just know you are not alone.

Andrew, Jr. · 12-15-2009, 10:22 AM

Holidays are the worst when you are grieving. I know that last year it was a blurr. This year, we all are making a real concrete effort to make new traditions, and new rituals for JoAnn's 2 young boys. It is just a new reality for all of us. Sometimes you have to create a new reality because the loss is just so intense.

In my griefshare group, there was a young, single mother who lost her 12 yo daughter to some disease. I didn't know the entire story except that she was in the hospital for a very long time, and out of the blue she died unexpectedly. So, in order for the young, single mother to get thru the holidays, she and her parents go to Florida and spend Christmas laying out on the beach. No presents, no decorations, no Christmas tree is put up, just any sign of the holiday is ever even spoken about. For them as a family unit it just is how they can cope with the loss. The little girl just loved Christmas, and in turn, as a family they did everything possible to make Christmas special each year for her.
That is what I mean about changing reality.

I wish everyone peace. Holidays are hard. No comparison.

Andrew, Jr. · 12-14-2009, 03:02 PM

Will,

I go the cemetary of relatives 4 to 5 times a year. It depends on how I am feeling. I go for maybe a few minutes at a time. I place flowers or a wreath out at Christmastime. In going I have learned who has visitors and who does not. In turn, I make sure to bring extra flowers or whatever, to decorate other gravestones. I think it is the one place that all souls return too when loved ones are there. When I go, I clean off the gravestones with water because they are some sort of a brass material. The marble ones I use Windex on.

In doing this, it brings me joy. Some ppl are not comfortable in going because they are afraid or did not have a decent relationship with the deceased, or some other reason. Everyone is different. Grief is different for everyone, and how they respond to their loss. I know when my sister, JoAnn, died, last year, I am still grieving. Her 2 boys & husband are still grieving. Her mother is fine. It is like nothing ever happened. It makes no sense to me. But that is me.

I think you need to come to terms with your mom's death with your own time-table. You know what to do, when it is time. I think everyone does.

I wish for you peace.

Love,
Andrew

Random · 12-15-2009, 09:15 PM

Every time I go back to Missiouri,
I visit my grandmothers grave..

I sit a spell with her and tell her everything that's going on.. If it's a nice day I might lean back and get some sun for her..

For me.. it's the deliberate act of going there and remembering her.. Not that I need to be any place special to remember her.. (I can close my eyes and see her hands, smell that smell of plug tabacco and oil of oly.. I can still feel what if feels like to be rocked in her arms..)

But for me.. It a deliberate act of.. I am going to take this time and it is stricky for grandma.. She used to love to sit outside and talk..

Sounds like you are going to do the same with her roses..

Quote:

Originally Posted by little man

last year, my sister-in-law's oldest girl died of an accidental tylenol overdose at the age of 19. since we buried her, my sis-in-law goes regularly to the cemetery to visit. my brother tells me it seems to make her feel better, more at peace.

i did not attend my mother's visitation, memorial or burial. i have stopped at the cemetery once in the last two weeks.

so, here's my question:

do any of you visit the grave of your lost loved ones on a regular basis? if so, what do you get from that? if not, why not?

Inuus · 12-16-2009, 10:00 AM

My Mother has been gone since I was 14 (1977). I used to visit her grave fairly regularly it was hearbreaking for me..was such a hard time. I have lived far away for quite some years but when I do go back to NH I do visit her grave
I had a bad spell there for awhile with deaths
I lost my father in 2001
One of my closest friend in 2002
My sister with Down Syndrome in 2003
My partner in 2006

I dont visit my Fathers grave, my sisters or my best friends because they are buried so far away. Im sure if I went back there I would go to see them. Im not sure exactly what it "does" for me. I mostly clean up the site make sure everything looks nice and neat.
My partner was cremated and I have her ashes in the house

I guess it depends on each person and if or how it comforts them

Quote:

Originally Posted by little man

last year, my sister-in-law's oldest girl died of an accidental tylenol overdose at the age of 19. since we buried her, my sis-in-law goes regularly to the cemetery to visit. my brother tells me it seems to make her feel better, more at peace.

i did not attend my mother's visitation, memorial or burial. i have stopped at the cemetery once in the last two weeks.

so, here's my question:

do any of you visit the grave of your lost loved ones on a regular basis? if so, what do you get from that? if not, why not?

little man · 12-16-2009, 10:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inuus

My Mother has been gone since I was 14 (1977). I used to visit her grave fairly regularly it was hearbreaking for me..was such a hard time. I have lived far away for quite some years but when I do go back to NH I do visit her grave
I had a bad spell there for awhile with deaths
I lost my father in 2001
One of my closest friend in 2002
My sister with Down Syndrome in 2003
My partner in 2006

I dont visit my Fathers grave, my sisters or my best friends because they are buried so far away. Im sure if I went back there I would go to see them. Im not sure exactly what it "does" for me. I mostly clean up the site make sure everything looks nice and neat.
My partner was cremated and I have her ashes in the house

I guess it depends on each person and if or how it comforts them

i think this is the crux of my question. of course, i want the site to be well kept and tidy. i've set aside some cash to add a couple of planters to the grave site so i can plant mom's beloved roses for her. i just don't feel a sense of connection there and am wondering if other folks feel that or if it's something different that draws them there. i do realize there's no right or wrong way to go about this. being individual, we all find solace in differing things and peace wherever we may. i suspect i'm trying to think myself through this trying time and find a way that feels both respectful of my mother and tenable for me.

i'm very sorry to hear about your losses. so many in such a short time. that has to be very difficult. my heart goes out to you.

Andrew, Jr. · 12-16-2009, 01:10 PM

Will,

Where my Godfather is buried at, is pretty close to his son. His son was a policeman, and was killed in a car accident. Thank God above, he died instantly. He had no idea of what hit him, literally. And yes, he was on-duty at the time. So, his son is buried with other policemen and women and firefighters in this one section of the cemetary.

My Godparents used to go to the cemetary every month for hours at a time to be with their son. In doing so, they noticed another couple, late 50's, with lawn chairs sitting next to a grave that was close to their son's. Eventually they began talking. In talking they realized that their only son was also a policeman, and he too was killed while working. However, these folks cannot let him go and go to the cemetary every single day. And they sit there for hours at a time. They schedule their appointments around the time they are at the cemetary. The father retired early from Black and Decker. The mother was a housewife. They sold their home, and moved into an apartment that was cheaper. Life was just so different for them since their son died. They basically lived their lives thru their son. And of course he was their only child. So that is their connection to life.

When we buried my Godfather, we all noticed the elderly couple sitting in their lawn chairs by their son. Still shaken by the events that took place years earlier. Unable to let go. For some people, that is what grief is like.

I think when you plant the rose bushes and clean up your mother's gravestone, you will know what to do & feel that sense of connection.

My sister was not buried. She was creamated. Part of her ashes were spread at different locations according to her wishes. And the bulk of her remains are placed where only family members know of. Sometimes I think it is better that way. It is a guarantee of privacy. The one thing I know I personally don't like is when someone interrupts me when I am at my beloved Grandparents plots, or my Godfather's. It just throws me off. Plus all the rules and regs. that cemetaries now have due to vandalism.

I wish you peace in your journey with this.

Love,
Andrew

Andrew, Jr. · 12-18-2009, 03:44 PM

I know how hard holidays are for people who are grieving. I wanted to open up to talk about what every has planned for the holidays. Are you doing something different? Are you volunteering somewhere? Are you celebrating with another couple or family?

Namaste,
Andrew

little man · 12-18-2009, 05:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I know how hard holidays are for people who are grieving. I wanted to open up to talk about what every has planned for the holidays. Are you doing something different? Are you volunteering somewhere? Are you celebrating with another couple or family?

Namaste,
Andrew

i work midnights, so i'll be sleeping through much of xmas day. i'm working that night. i've not been much for the holidays over the last 20 yrs or so, so i'm not feeling very angsty about it. just another work day. at double time and a half. that, i like.

Andrew, Jr. · 12-19-2009, 09:53 AM

Will,

I did that as well. For many a years I worked thru Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day. It just was bad memories from my bio-father that kept me from celebrating. He had a way of destroying the holiday. And I think he did that intentionally. Now the holiday is different for me.

Everyone has a different take on holidays.

12-14-2009, 08:42 AM	#1
little man Member How Do You Identify?: mister Preferred Pronoun?: he Relationship Status: hard to hold Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: where the road goes on forever and the party never ends Posts: 1,003 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 169 Thanked 1,535 Times in 437 Posts Rep Power: 13709165	last year, my sister-in-law's oldest girl died of an accidental tylenol overdose at the age of 19. since we buried her, my sis-in-law goes regularly to the cemetery to visit. my brother tells me it seems to make her feel better, more at peace. i did not attend my mother's visitation, memorial or burial. i have stopped at the cemetery once in the last two weeks. so, here's my question: do any of you visit the grave of your lost loved ones on a regular basis? if so, what do you get from that? if not, why not? __________________ i gots pitchers here i'm a rambling man i ain't ever gonna change i got a gypsy soul to blame and i was born for leaving --zac brown band (colder weather)

12-14-2009, 03:03 PM	#4
Jet Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: .. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: .. Posts: 3,471 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 292 Thanked 2,647 Times in 1,293 Posts Rep Power: 0	My mom died of unknown causes in 2000. being an only child we were best friends. i have yet to grieve her death.

12-14-2009, 05:49 PM	#5
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	Jet, I am so very sorry for your loss. I understand. Love, Andrew

12-15-2009, 10:22 AM	#7
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	Holidays are the worst when you are grieving. I know that last year it was a blurr. This year, we all are making a real concrete effort to make new traditions, and new rituals for JoAnn's 2 young boys. It is just a new reality for all of us. Sometimes you have to create a new reality because the loss is just so intense. In my griefshare group, there was a young, single mother who lost her 12 yo daughter to some disease. I didn't know the entire story except that she was in the hospital for a very long time, and out of the blue she died unexpectedly. So, in order for the young, single mother to get thru the holidays, she and her parents go to Florida and spend Christmas laying out on the beach. No presents, no decorations, no Christmas tree is put up, just any sign of the holiday is ever even spoken about. For them as a family unit it just is how they can cope with the loss. The little girl just loved Christmas, and in turn, as a family they did everything possible to make Christmas special each year for her. That is what I mean about changing reality. I wish everyone peace. Holidays are hard. No comparison.

12-14-2009, 03:02 PM	#8
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	Will, I go the cemetary of relatives 4 to 5 times a year. It depends on how I am feeling. I go for maybe a few minutes at a time. I place flowers or a wreath out at Christmastime. In going I have learned who has visitors and who does not. In turn, I make sure to bring extra flowers or whatever, to decorate other gravestones. I think it is the one place that all souls return too when loved ones are there. When I go, I clean off the gravestones with water because they are some sort of a brass material. The marble ones I use Windex on. In doing this, it brings me joy. Some ppl are not comfortable in going because they are afraid or did not have a decent relationship with the deceased, or some other reason. Everyone is different. Grief is different for everyone, and how they respond to their loss. I know when my sister, JoAnn, died, last year, I am still grieving. Her 2 boys & husband are still grieving. Her mother is fine. It is like nothing ever happened. It makes no sense to me. But that is me. I think you need to come to terms with your mom's death with your own time-table. You know what to do, when it is time. I think everyone does. I wish for you peace. Love, Andrew

12-16-2009, 01:10 PM	#12
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	Will, Where my Godfather is buried at, is pretty close to his son. His son was a policeman, and was killed in a car accident. Thank God above, he died instantly. He had no idea of what hit him, literally. And yes, he was on-duty at the time. So, his son is buried with other policemen and women and firefighters in this one section of the cemetary. My Godparents used to go to the cemetary every month for hours at a time to be with their son. In doing so, they noticed another couple, late 50's, with lawn chairs sitting next to a grave that was close to their son's. Eventually they began talking. In talking they realized that their only son was also a policeman, and he too was killed while working. However, these folks cannot let him go and go to the cemetary every single day. And they sit there for hours at a time. They schedule their appointments around the time they are at the cemetary. The father retired early from Black and Decker. The mother was a housewife. They sold their home, and moved into an apartment that was cheaper. Life was just so different for them since their son died. They basically lived their lives thru their son. And of course he was their only child. So that is their connection to life. When we buried my Godfather, we all noticed the elderly couple sitting in their lawn chairs by their son. Still shaken by the events that took place years earlier. Unable to let go. For some people, that is what grief is like. I think when you plant the rose bushes and clean up your mother's gravestone, you will know what to do & feel that sense of connection. My sister was not buried. She was creamated. Part of her ashes were spread at different locations according to her wishes. And the bulk of her remains are placed where only family members know of. Sometimes I think it is better that way. It is a guarantee of privacy. The one thing I know I personally don't like is when someone interrupts me when I am at my beloved Grandparents plots, or my Godfather's. It just throws me off. Plus all the rules and regs. that cemetaries now have due to vandalism. I wish you peace in your journey with this. Love, Andrew

12-18-2009, 03:44 PM	#13
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	I know how hard holidays are for people who are grieving. I wanted to open up to talk about what every has planned for the holidays. Are you doing something different? Are you volunteering somewhere? Are you celebrating with another couple or family? Namaste, Andrew

12-19-2009, 09:53 AM	#15
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	Will, I did that as well. For many a years I worked thru Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day. It just was bad memories from my bio-father that kept me from celebrating. He had a way of destroying the holiday. And I think he did that intentionally. Now the holiday is different for me. Everyone has a different take on holidays.