Grieving

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by little man

last year, my sister-in-law's oldest girl died of an accidental tylenol overdose at the age of 19. since we buried her, my sis-in-law goes regularly to the cemetery to visit. my brother tells me it seems to make her feel better, more at peace.

i did not attend my mother's visitation, memorial or burial. i have stopped at the cemetery once in the last two weeks.

so, here's my question:

do any of you visit the grave of your lost loved ones on a regular basis? if so, what do you get from that? if not, why not?

Little Man,

I had a niece who was stillborn on Christmas Day of last year, I still have not come to terms with it along with her mother, who is my best friend. I have visited her grave maybe once over a year, I do not get closure because I didn't get to formally say goodbye or even hold her, so I am still angry. My godmother passed away in June of 2008 and I was there for the funeral only, I still haven't come to terms with this either. I am not one who deals well with death, I may visit to talk to them and let them know I am sorry but the visiting mainly hashes up old feelings that I know I am not ready to cope with yet.

I saw the picture of your mom and you on the gallery, it broke my heart to know she had passed, the photo shows how much love y'all had for each other.

I do know in due time it does get easier and I pray you can find your answers from within in due time.

[little man]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

Little Man,

I had a niece who was stillborn on Christmas Day of last year, I still have not come to terms with it along with her mother, who is my best friend. I have visited her grave maybe once over a year, I do not get closure because I didn't get to formally say goodbye or even hold her, so I am still angry. My godmother passed away in June of 2008 and I was there for the funeral only, I still haven't come to terms with this either. I am not one who deals well with death, I may visit to talk to them and let them know I am sorry but the visiting mainly hashes up old feelings that I know I am not ready to cope with yet.

I saw the picture of your mom and you on the gallery, it broke my heart to know she had passed, the photo shows how much love y'all had for each other.

I do know in due time it does get easier and I pray you can find your answers from within in due time.

i was with my mom when she passed. all of us kids were. we had opportunity to talk with her beforehand, to say whatever needed to be said. i was able to hug her one last time, kiss her head when she was gone. i did see her at the funeral home when we took up flowers and pictures and her artwork. nothing. she wasn't there. i felt the same when i stopped off at the cemetery, nothing...she wasn't there.

i feel her more acutely when i'm driving, when i come home from work and she's not sitting at the table waiting for me. the house doesn't feel quite right without her here, but i suppose i'll get used to that eventually.

my family has always been a funeral-going, cemetery-visiting bunch. i just don't feel any connection at the cemetery. because of the way i was raised, i feel a little bad about not going up there. i don't see the point in being there, if she's not there and i can't even feel her there. jeez, i'm babbling, i think.

i think i'm just trying to find my own way to grieve this and still maintain some sort of spiritual connection to her. i think it may well come in the form of taking care of her roses and keeping her garden beds up. when i apply myself to the things she loved, i definitely feel connected and a part of her.

just trying to sort through this and be ok with what works for me.

thanks for sharing. much appreciated.

[Jet]

My mom died of unknown causes in 2000. being an only child we were best friends. i have yet to grieve her death.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Jet,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I understand.

Love,
Andrew

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by little man

i was with my mom when she passed. all of us kids were. we had opportunity to talk with her beforehand, to say whatever needed to be said. i was able to hug her one last time, kiss her head when she was gone. i did see her at the funeral home when we took up flowers and pictures and her artwork. nothing. she wasn't there. i felt the same when i stopped off at the cemetery, nothing...she wasn't there.

i feel her more acutely when i'm driving, when i come home from work and she's not sitting at the table waiting for me. the house doesn't feel quite right without her here, but i suppose i'll get used to that eventually.

my family has always been a funeral-going, cemetery-visiting bunch. i just don't feel any connection at the cemetery. because of the way i was raised, i feel a little bad about not going up there. i don't see the point in being there, if she's not there and i can't even feel her there. jeez, i'm babbling, i think.

i think i'm just trying to find my own way to grieve this and still maintain some sort of spiritual connection to her. i think it may well come in the form of taking care of her roses and keeping her garden beds up. when i apply myself to the things she loved, i definitely feel connected and a part of her.

just trying to sort through this and be ok with what works for me.

thanks for sharing. much appreciated.

Possibly so, find your own way Wil.

And no problem in sharing, just know you are not alone.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Holidays are the worst when you are grieving. I know that last year it was a blurr. This year, we all are making a real concrete effort to make new traditions, and new rituals for JoAnn's 2 young boys. It is just a new reality for all of us. Sometimes you have to create a new reality because the loss is just so intense.

In my griefshare group, there was a young, single mother who lost her 12 yo daughter to some disease. I didn't know the entire story except that she was in the hospital for a very long time, and out of the blue she died unexpectedly. So, in order for the young, single mother to get thru the holidays, she and her parents go to Florida and spend Christmas laying out on the beach. No presents, no decorations, no Christmas tree is put up, just any sign of the holiday is ever even spoken about. For them as a family unit it just is how they can cope with the loss. The little girl just loved Christmas, and in turn, as a family they did everything possible to make Christmas special each year for her.
That is what I mean about changing reality.

I wish everyone peace. Holidays are hard. No comparison.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Will,

I go the cemetary of relatives 4 to 5 times a year. It depends on how I am feeling. I go for maybe a few minutes at a time. I place flowers or a wreath out at Christmastime. In going I have learned who has visitors and who does not. In turn, I make sure to bring extra flowers or whatever, to decorate other gravestones. I think it is the one place that all souls return too when loved ones are there. When I go, I clean off the gravestones with water because they are some sort of a brass material. The marble ones I use Windex on.

In doing this, it brings me joy. Some ppl are not comfortable in going because they are afraid or did not have a decent relationship with the deceased, or some other reason. Everyone is different. Grief is different for everyone, and how they respond to their loss. I know when my sister, JoAnn, died, last year, I am still grieving. Her 2 boys & husband are still grieving. Her mother is fine. It is like nothing ever happened. It makes no sense to me. But that is me.

I think you need to come to terms with your mom's death with your own time-table. You know what to do, when it is time. I think everyone does.

I wish for you peace.

Love,
Andrew