Jokes and things that made you laugh.

lipstixgal · 11-27-2010, 05:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scootebaby

[COLOR="Black"]uh they were fast acting /COLOR]

So I'm guessing that you woke up and went to the bathroom in time I hope!!

JustJo · 11-27-2010, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lipstixgal

So I'm guessing that you woke up and went to the bathroom in time I hope!!

lipstixgal · 11-27-2010, 06:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustJo

By the face

you mad Jo I guess not!! I can't believe that a laxative would act so fast at night and a sleeping pill combined too but I guess anything can happen..

JustJo · 11-27-2010, 06:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lipstixgal

By the face

you mad Jo I guess not!! I can't believe that a laxative would act so fast at night and a sleeping pill combined too but I guess anything can happen..

No...actually I was trying to tell you that it was a joke

Admin · 11-27-2010, 06:17 PM

Hey Folks,

We are getting several reported posts from this thread about the content of the "jokes" here.

It is STILL against the TOS to post "jokes" that are racially insensitive, culturally insensitive, -phobic, grossly sexist, etc. Just because it's a joke doesnt mean that it gets a pass on the -isms.

Please keep it clean and accessible to everyone on this site.

Thanks,
Admin

weatherboi · 11-27-2010, 06:53 PM

How many racists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None...racists don't like being enlightened.

WolfyOne · 11-27-2010, 07:18 PM

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
What have you got there, dear?
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

girl_dee · 11-28-2010, 07:26 AM

democrats think the glass is have full
republicans think they OWN the glass.

WolfyOne · 11-28-2010, 10:20 AM

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

WolfyOne · 11-28-2010, 10:45 AM

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman. The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle. Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?" The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate." "Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says. The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this. The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says. When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate." "Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!" ...

always2late · 12-01-2010, 11:30 AM

A man walks into a bar and sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in his life. He approaches her and asks if he can buy her a drink. She replies "OK, but it won't do you any good." He gets her the drink and walks away. A little while later, he comes back and asks if he can buy her another drink. She replies "Fine, but it won't do you any good." He gets her the drink and they talk for a bit. Then he invites her to see his apartment. She replies "Sure, but it STILL won't do you any good!" When they get to the apartment he turns to her and says "You are the most beautiful, amazing woman I've ever met. I want you for my wife." "OH that's different," she replies "send her in!"

sanee66 · 09-01-2011, 05:48 PM

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mh-zkIJ5cJk&feature=fvst"]YouTube - Laughing Old Man at Comedy Barn.mp4 - YouTube[/nomedia]

i laughed til i cried

Janstevie · 09-02-2011, 12:59 PM

I would just like to share an experience with you all, and it has to do with drinking and driving.
As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd party over the years.
Well, I for one have done something about it: Last night I was out for a few drinks with some mates and had way too many glasses of the good old white wine.
Knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before!!

Guy · 09-02-2011, 04:31 PM

Watching VH1 and the classic SNL skit with Janet Jackson about cork soakers. Made me crack up!

Tommi · 09-02-2011, 05:05 PM

Janstevie · 09-10-2011, 08:07 AM

"inside me, There's a thin women trying to get out........But i can usually shut the cow up with chocolate."

Scorp · 09-10-2011, 08:42 AM

Holding up a lottery ticket, a husband says to his wife."What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She says..."I would take half, then leave you."

"Excellent", he replies...."I won 12 bucks. Here's $6, now get out."

Amber2010 · 10-04-2011, 08:19 AM

A young man decided to join the Army…
Three days later he was back home and his mother asked “Why did you decide not to stay in?”
He looked at his mother and says….
The First day I was given a comb and then they went and shaved all of my hair off…
The Second day I was given a toothbrush and they pulled eight of my teeth…
The third day they gave me a jock strap… I was not waiting... Over the wall I went!!!

tapu · 10-04-2011, 08:51 AM

A woman, just turned 40, admired herself in the bedroom mirror, saying, "I think I look better now than I did at 30."

And her husband, standing behind her, said, "REALLY??"

(Repeat from my blog--sorry. Janny's joke reminded me. This one is a "true story.")

Bella~Vita · 10-04-2011, 12:35 PM

Where's Clay? I have another sick joke for you ..

THE DEAD COW LECTURE

First-year students at the Auburn Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

11-27-2010, 07:18 PM	#7
WolfyOne Magically Delicious How Do You Identify?: Gentle Butch Relationship Status: Single and content Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Minnesota Posts: 6,558 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22,052 Thanked 15,391 Times in 4,138 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. What have you got there, dear? With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear." __________________ Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage --- Lao Tzo

11-28-2010, 10:20 AM	#9
WolfyOne Magically Delicious How Do You Identify?: Gentle Butch Relationship Status: Single and content Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Minnesota Posts: 6,558 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22,052 Thanked 15,391 Times in 4,138 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him. "You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?" "What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself. "I think you're bad luck." __________________ Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage --- Lao Tzo

11-28-2010, 10:45 AM	#10
WolfyOne Magically Delicious How Do You Identify?: Gentle Butch Relationship Status: Single and content Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Minnesota Posts: 6,558 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22,052 Thanked 15,391 Times in 4,138 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman. The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle. Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?" The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate." "Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says. The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this. The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says. When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate." "Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!" ... __________________ Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage --- Lao Tzo

12-01-2010, 11:30 AM	#11
always2late Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: m'lady Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: NJ Posts: 2,000 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,834 Thanked 6,231 Times in 1,462 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	A man walks into a bar and sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in his life. He approaches her and asks if he can buy her a drink. She replies "OK, but it won't do you any good." He gets her the drink and walks away. A little while later, he comes back and asks if he can buy her another drink. She replies "Fine, but it won't do you any good." He gets her the drink and they talk for a bit. Then he invites her to see his apartment. She replies "Sure, but it STILL won't do you any good!" When they get to the apartment he turns to her and says "You are the most beautiful, amazing woman I've ever met. I want you for my wife." "OH that's different," she replies "send her in!" __________________ Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there ~ Rumi

09-01-2011, 05:48 PM	#12
sanee66 Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: single Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: ms Posts: 139 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 173 Thanked 306 Times in 95 Posts Rep Power: 3766495	laughing man at comedy barn [nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mh-zkIJ5cJk&feature=fvst"]YouTube - Laughing Old Man at Comedy Barn.mp4 - YouTube[/nomedia] i laughed til i cried

11-27-2010, 06:17 PM	#5
Admin Administrator How Do You Identify?: Queer High Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She/Her Relationship Status: Married to JD. Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: The Planet Posts: 1,686 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 394 Thanked 5,625 Times in 1,013 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Hey Folks, We are getting several reported posts from this thread about the content of the "jokes" here. It is STILL against the TOS to post "jokes" that are racially insensitive, culturally insensitive, -phobic, grossly sexist, etc. Just because it's a joke doesnt mean that it gets a pass on the -isms. Please keep it clean and accessible to everyone on this site. Thanks, Admin

11-27-2010, 06:53 PM	#6
weatherboi Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Owned boy Preferred Pronoun?: Hey boy!!! Relationship Status: counting freckles slowly under Her direction!!! Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: i have 2 sets of geographic coordinates!!! Posts: 6,097 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 26,797 Thanked 12,549 Times in 2,993 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	How many racists does it take to change a lightbulb? None...racists don't like being enlightened.

11-28-2010, 07:26 AM	#8
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,829 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	democrats think the glass is have full republicans think they OWN the glass.

09-02-2011, 12:59 PM	#13
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I would just like to share an experience with you all, and it has to do with drinking and driving. As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd party over the years. Well, I for one have done something about it: Last night I was out for a few drinks with some mates and had way too many glasses of the good old white wine. Knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before!!

09-02-2011, 04:31 PM	#14
Guy Senior Member How Do You Identify?: . Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: . Posts: 1,858 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,258 Thanked 2,574 Times in 889 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Watching VH1 and the classic SNL skit with Janet Jackson about cork soakers. Made me crack up!

09-02-2011, 05:05 PM	#15
Tommi Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Usually "Hello" Relationship Status: Married and Bound to Tommi's kaijira (Ts_kaijira ) Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Suthun.... California that is. Across the ridge from Laguna Beach. Posts: 8,151 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,621 Thanked 21,337 Times in 5,970 Posts Rep Power: 21474860

09-10-2011, 08:07 AM	#16
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	"inside me, There's a thin women trying to get out........But i can usually shut the cow up with chocolate."

09-10-2011, 08:42 AM	#17
Scorp Italian Stallion How Do You Identify?: DNA Usually... Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: In a van, down by the river.. Posts: 2,702 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,557 Thanked 4,714 Times in 1,263 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Holding up a lottery ticket, a husband says to his wife."What would you do if I won the lottery?" She says..."I would take half, then leave you." "Excellent", he replies...."I won 12 bucks. Here's $6, now get out."

10-04-2011, 08:19 AM	#18
Amber2010 Member How Do You Identify?: Happy, Crazy, Bubbly, Funny, Strong, Outgoing, Friendly Preferred Pronoun?: Femme Relationship Status: Complicated Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Florida Posts: 200 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 920 Thanked 594 Times in 154 Posts Rep Power: 3787185	A young man decided to join the Army… Three days later he was back home and his mother asked “Why did you decide not to stay in?” He looked at his mother and says…. The First day I was given a comb and then they went and shaved all of my hair off… The Second day I was given a toothbrush and they pulled eight of my teeth… The third day they gave me a jock strap… I was not waiting... Over the wall I went!!!

10-04-2011, 08:51 AM	#19
tapu Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Understated butch. Preferred Pronoun?: I Relationship Status: Party of One Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Maine Posts: 1,654 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,324 Thanked 3,115 Times in 1,103 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	A woman, just turned 40, admired herself in the bedroom mirror, saying, "I think I look better now than I did at 30." And her husband, standing behind her, said, "REALLY??" (Repeat from my blog--sorry. Janny's joke reminded me. This one is a "true story.") __________________ Really? That's not funny to you?

10-04-2011, 12:35 PM	#20
Bella~Vita Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: where salt is used for Margaritas not Snow Posts: 891 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,049 Thanked 1,322 Times in 443 Posts Rep Power: 7157596	Where's Clay? I have another sick joke for you .. THE DEAD COW LECTURE First-year students at the Auburn Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. __________________ ~ I believe that pleasing everyone is impossible..... but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake ~