Dating "non single" people

atomiczombie · 12-23-2010, 07:44 PM

It seems pretty dysfunctional to date/fall in love with people who are committed to someone else. Maybe it's you who aren't available, and you just want something without any real chance of a relationship, have you thought of that? If so, then just date poly people who have primaries, or just date single people with the understanding that it won't go anywhere. Doing what you are doing now is just asking for a shit load of drama. Drop him. That's my .02

Soft*Silver · 12-23-2010, 07:54 PM

I have been the woman at home, waiting for her man to leave his mistress.

it sucks. Its the worst imaginable pain. And I still bear emotional scars from it.

I am not emotionally available because of this so I am staying out of relationships. I would rather be alone on my own than lonely in a bad relationship, and I wont do to some other person what was done to me. I wont take someone else's partner.

take what you want from my post. Or take nothing. You are the only one who will determine if you will hear wisdom or act on your own design...

Martina · 12-24-2010, 10:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

and you just want something without any real chance of a relationship, have you thought of that? If so, then just date poly people who have primaries, or just date single people with the understanding that it won't go anywhere

i am poly, and i see people who have primaries, and these are real relationships that definitely go somewhere. Intimacy is as intense as it is in any relationship. Committment is just as real.

theoddz · 12-25-2010, 08:39 AM

Wheelie, I don't think I can really add anything much to what's already been offered here by so many others. I do want to say one thing to reinforce my idea on this situation.

There used to be a dyke bar in Jacksonville, FL, that was owned and run by a very wise older Butch named "Jo". She had owned that bar for many,many years and she packed a .38 Special in the back waistband of her jeans. Jo always knew as much about what was going on out in the parking lot as she did about what was going on inside the bar.

Over the cash register was a sign that said, "A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey's monkey". I've never forgotten that in all these years. Jo died so many years ago and that bar no longer stands, but that little sign of hers contained some of the best advice that anyone has ever given me. Good luck and think carefully before making a potentially disastrous decision. People have gotten shot over things like this.

Theo

SouthernStud · 12-25-2010, 09:01 AM

Been there, done that...am currently in same situation with my "gf" but she claims to only still be with her daughters father for their daughter...that im the ine shes in love with. HOWEVER...im her best kept secret short of the few trusted friends we share. Im hidden from her family, HER friends, her coworkers...and even the one that does know about us,she denies that we have been together the past 4months..soon to be 5months. She " is waiting for the appropriate time" to end the 11yr relationship with her daughters father. They are NOT married. In fact hes never even asked her to marry him in 11yrs. The question is...Will there ever be an appropriate time for her to leave? My thought is no cuz theres never a "good" time to break up,unless its an abusive relationship. I no longer consider it a relationship between us cuz of the fact she still sleeps with him on the occassion she cant avoid it any longer and he raises hell cuz she wont. Im her first..yes i flipped her real quick! Be careful with ur heart...like me,it may not end the way we want things to be. I can fully sympathize and empathize with u here. I know exactly what ur going through!!! Do what u feel is best...no matter how hard it may be...i will be making the same step very soon! Much love to ya

Sachita · 12-25-2010, 10:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martina

i am poly, and i see people who have primaries, and these are real relationships that definitely go somewhere. Intimacy is as intense as it is in any relationship. Committment is just as real.

I think that people that are poly are perhaps more committed in a sense. Looking at boundaries and good communication is essential. It is in any relationship but I've noticed that poly people really "get it".

I would be poly for sure if I didn't need to be the center of the universe! lol I couldnt share because its all about ME! Try as I may that always takes over any analytical thinking. lol

Arwen · 12-25-2010, 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by popcorninthesofa

Wowwow. Are you still taking your meds?

I am a self-imposed, egoless, celibate, who could care less who is cheating on me and with whom, because there is nothing I need from anyone. I have primary and secondary co-dependents and am able to care for both without all this drama. In fact, I'd take on a few more if I knew they could handle me lol.

Was this meant to be rude by asking if Wheelie Strong was taking his meds? I'm asking because I found it rude, but perhaps there is underlying information that I don't have.Or are you the BF?

Confused.

Glenn · 12-25-2010, 11:20 AM

I deleted my post because I knew it was rude. I'm sorry Wheelie and folks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arwen

Was this meant to be rude by asking if Wheelie Strong was taking his meds? I'm asking because I found it rude, but perhaps there is underlying information that I don't have.Or are you the BF?

Confused.

Arwen · 12-25-2010, 11:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by popcorninthesofa

I deleted my post because I knew it was rude. I'm sorry Wheelie and folks.

Thank you. I know we all fly off the handle sometimes. I've had my fair share of them.

adorable · 12-27-2010, 04:44 AM

OMG OMG!!!!!

Emotional unavailabilty is my FAVORITE thing in the whole world. It MUST be!!!!! No matter what I do, in a room full of 10,000 emotionally available people and ONE, just ONE person with either another relationship going, unresolved mama issues or just a general inability to connect in a meaningful human level - I won't just want to date them - I will want to MARRY THEM!

Why? This is a question I have asked myself over and over and over...It's kind of like eating Big Mac's. Sure they're bad for you, but they are oh so tasty!!! And just one nibble isn't going to hurt! Except that it does. And in relationships with unavailable people, it hurts a lot.

One of the things that I realized about me was that, in chosing people who weren't available, I saved myself from having to truly connect or commit at a meaningful level. Instead I could stay in that "Oh, I will get them to love me!" phase for eternity. A sick part of me enjoys that game.

So there are some relationships that I have learned to stop before they start. Right off the bat, because I have been down these roads before and they are some of the easier red flags to spot...if they are currently involved in a relationship - if they are still hung up on a relationship that is supposed to be over - if they have a history of cheating or abuse - if they have ever been to prison - if they are currently using any form of cocaine - if they are prescribed psychiatric medication and don't take it....
(I ask the questions and listen to the answers. I don't pretend that I am the exception anymore.) I just won't go there now. I have been there, didn't like it and have no desire to return. Life is too short.

12-23-2010, 07:44 PM	#1
atomiczombie Member How Do You Identify?: Femmesensual Transguy Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him, His Relationship Status: Dating Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Rio Vista, CA Posts: 1,225 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,949 Thanked 3,220 Times in 759 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	It seems pretty dysfunctional to date/fall in love with people who are committed to someone else. Maybe it's you who aren't available, and you just want something without any real chance of a relationship, have you thought of that? If so, then just date poly people who have primaries, or just date single people with the understanding that it won't go anywhere. Doing what you are doing now is just asking for a shit load of drama. Drop him. That's my .02 __________________ http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/k...orums_2000.gif Russian Unicorn http://occupiedmedia.us/

12-23-2010, 07:54 PM	#2
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,592 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,894 Times in 4,062 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	I have been the woman at home, waiting for her man to leave his mistress. it sucks. Its the worst imaginable pain. And I still bear emotional scars from it. I am not emotionally available because of this so I am staying out of relationships. I would rather be alone on my own than lonely in a bad relationship, and I wont do to some other person what was done to me. I wont take someone else's partner. take what you want from my post. Or take nothing. You are the only one who will determine if you will hear wisdom or act on your own design... __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

12-25-2010, 08:39 AM	#4
theoddz Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Cranky Old Poop Preferred Pronoun?: Mr. Beast Relationship Status: Married to a beautiful babe whom I don't deserve. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Central Texas Posts: 3,541 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,143 Thanked 9,938 Times in 2,513 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Wheelie, I don't think I can really add anything much to what's already been offered here by so many others. I do want to say one thing to reinforce my idea on this situation. There used to be a dyke bar in Jacksonville, FL, that was owned and run by a very wise older Butch named "Jo". She had owned that bar for many,many years and she packed a .38 Special in the back waistband of her jeans. Jo always knew as much about what was going on out in the parking lot as she did about what was going on inside the bar. Over the cash register was a sign that said, "A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey's monkey". I've never forgotten that in all these years. Jo died so many years ago and that bar no longer stands, but that little sign of hers contained some of the best advice that anyone has ever given me. Good luck and think carefully before making a potentially disastrous decision. People have gotten shot over things like this. Theo __________________ *"All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."* -- J. R. R. Tolkien

12-25-2010, 09:01 AM	#5
SouthernStud Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Badass Stud Preferred Pronoun?: Master Relationship Status: Want one but no real female willin to step up and treat me like the king to their queen..... Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Here Posts: 95 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8 Thanked 73 Times in 30 Posts Rep Power: 0	Been there, done that...am currently in same situation with my "gf" but she claims to only still be with her daughters father for their daughter...that im the ine shes in love with. HOWEVER...im her best kept secret short of the few trusted friends we share. Im hidden from her family, HER friends, her coworkers...and even the one that does know about us,she denies that we have been together the past 4months..soon to be 5months. She " is waiting for the appropriate time" to end the 11yr relationship with her daughters father. They are NOT married. In fact hes never even asked her to marry him in 11yrs. The question is...Will there ever be an appropriate time for her to leave? My thought is no cuz theres never a "good" time to break up,unless its an abusive relationship. I no longer consider it a relationship between us cuz of the fact she still sleeps with him on the occassion she cant avoid it any longer and he raises hell cuz she wont. Im her first..yes i flipped her real quick! Be careful with ur heart...like me,it may not end the way we want things to be. I can fully sympathize and empathize with u here. I know exactly what ur going through!!! Do what u feel is best...no matter how hard it may be...i will be making the same step very soon! Much love to ya

12-27-2010, 04:44 AM	#10
adorable Member How Do You Identify?: Sarcastically Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Home of the Yankee's Posts: 752 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,708 Thanked 2,644 Times in 590 Posts Rep Power: 12725119	OMG OMG!!!!! Emotional unavailabilty is my FAVORITE thing in the whole world. It MUST be!!!!! No matter what I do, in a room full of 10,000 emotionally available people and ONE, just ONE person with either another relationship going, unresolved mama issues or just a general inability to connect in a meaningful human level - I won't just want to date them - I will want to MARRY THEM! Why? This is a question I have asked myself over and over and over...It's kind of like eating Big Mac's. Sure they're bad for you, but they are oh so tasty!!! And just one nibble isn't going to hurt! Except that it does. And in relationships with unavailable people, it hurts a lot. One of the things that I realized about me was that, in chosing people who weren't available, I saved myself from having to truly connect or commit at a meaningful level. Instead I could stay in that "Oh, I will get them to love me!" phase for eternity. A sick part of me enjoys that game. So there are some relationships that I have learned to stop before they start. Right off the bat, because I have been down these roads before and they are some of the easier red flags to spot...if they are currently involved in a relationship - if they are still hung up on a relationship that is supposed to be over - if they have a history of cheating or abuse - if they have ever been to prison - if they are currently using any form of cocaine - if they are prescribed psychiatric medication and don't take it.... (I ask the questions and listen to the answers. I don't pretend that I am the exception anymore.) I just won't go there now. I have been there, didn't like it and have no desire to return. Life is too short.