Communication 101: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by Medusa

I was reading some articles and found a pretty good breakdown about different styles of communication here:
http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/assertiveness.htm

According to this article, there are 4 types of communicators:
Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, and Assertive

A lot of the examples felt pretty dead-on. Do each of these styles of communication have their own merits? Times when each style is appropriate?
Im trying to get out of my unilateral "Assertive is always best" thinking because I do think that there are times when you have to alter your communication style in order to be "heard".
Wondering if anyone had thoughts?

Hi Medusa, and thanks for the link.

I agree that direct and assertive is usually best...and it's something that I've been working on for years. Having grown up with a single narcissistic parent, I was trained to be passive (and a caretaker), and speaking up for myself was/is challenging. Since my childhood household was also full of anger, I "cope" with that by clamming up and shutting down...so aggressive communicators are hard for me to deal with as well.

I used to fall into passive/aggressive crap pretty frequently, because I really "couldn't" speak up and assert myself. After much work, I'm able to do that...and the passive/aggressive fell by the wayside...except when I'm faced with a hyper-aggressive personality. That's when I tend to fall back into that old dysfunctional pattern.

Since I now find passive/aggressive exceedingly yucky and destructive...I sometimes opt instead for purely passive. I won't fight. I won't engage. If I feel like someone absolutely will not listen to any other view...then I'm done and I shut down. Coupled with that though is a boundary that gets drawn in my head...and I tend to write them off as someone that I choose to ignore completely. The sucky part of that, though, is that I then lose all input from them...even when they aren't in hyper-aggressive mode, because I've drawn that line in my head. Basically, they get labelled "bully" and I stop listening.

I know that's not a great solution either...but I'm at a loss for a better one. I'd be very interested in knowing what others do in this situation, and how they approach it for a better outcome...

[Kobi]

I think one has to be careful when trying to categorize STYLES of communication into just 4 possibilities.

If it was that simple, humans would be a wee bit better at it.

Different people, different situations, different arenas evoke different responses from us. The style we choose to use may depend on a particular result we are trying to evoke; or our current state of being i.e. tired, sad,
angry; the role we are playing i.e. child, parent, employee etc. It is seldom a clear field of play in a nice air tight vacuum.

For example, someone might think I am communicating passively when actually I am really not in the mood to be engaged, or I am disinterested in the topic, or I am refusing to be baited, or I know the plumber can fix my broken hot water heater on a weekend and how I "play" this might influence if he charges me something reasonable or if I will have to take out a second mortgage.

Same holds true for the other styles. It is not necessarily reflecting what one might think.

I try and keep in mind that words can hurt, and to try and choose them carefully. I am not always successful.

I also try and remember to be aware of my own internal state and how this is affecting my reactions. It stops a lot of things from coming out of my mouth.

And, I find the most "dangerous" situations for me is in the "heat of the moment" - whether it be good heat or not so good heat. These times, I try and remember the day I was ranting and raving, pacing, gesturing, and swearing as any good Italian would do. My partner, at the time, sat on the couch peeling a banana.....very calmly, very deliberately and oh so so so slowly. I was mezmerized by her banana. It was a very calming thing to do, a bit erotic, and simply distracted me from whatever I was upset about.
The image never fails to calm me down and get me back on track.

Indirect communication sometimes is helpful with certain people. I try to interject humor when I am doing this. Helps if you understand my humor.

Direct communication is preferable with me. I can be extremely obtuse.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Kobi

I think one has to be careful when trying to categorize STYLES of communication into just 4 possibilities.

If it was that simple, humans would be a wee bit better at it.

Well, yeah. I think that Medusa was just posting one web site up for us to discuss.

There are lots of stuff out there, like this:

http://www.drbackman.com/communication-styles.htm

I do think what she posted is the most common descriptors when groups gather to discuss, "communication styles", however.

[Toughy]

Very interesting website with info on ways to better communicate.........I did one of their study groups and it was really good and fit nicely with cognitive behavior therapy.

http://www.cnvc.org/

[katsarecool]

Frankie, my cat is a very passive-aggressive communicator! I am serious! The little stinker... for example when walking to anywhere from my bedroom if his bowl is empty he will flop down right in front of my feet and refuse to budge unless I head to the kitchen. That can be dangerous for a black cat at night with a mom who has balance and walking problems.

I think in order to have a good relationship (with anyone people and pets) passive-aggression should be avoided at all costs.

[waxnrope]

I appreciate the discussion on communication. Mostly, I appreciate the recognition that there are multiple styles. And, the unfortunate reality that not one style is suitable for every person.

Where I think that we need to exercise caution is in the manner in which we throw out the term "passive aggressive." This is a psychiatric term relating to a personality disorder. It has ranking within the DSM (currently IV) scales. What this means, like the past use of calling one's neighbor schizophrenic without having fully understood the dimensions of the disorder, calling people passive aggressive without having the tools (or the credentials), the objective observations can just serve to belittle behavior which one disagrees. I think we should be careful here.
For anyone with interest, the following link provides the criteria for the DIAGNOSIS of this disorder. Just reading it does not give the right to sling it around at random. There are nuances ..

http://www.ptypes.com/passive-aggpd.html

Just my $.02 worth and not meant to attack anyone who has used it ... merely a suggestion to reflect about how common the complex and complicated (and, dangerous if misused) commonly accepted practices become.

[Just_G]

I come from a very dysfunctional family where nobody talks about anything. Everyone always acts like everything is okay and never asks questions beyond the basic, "how ya doin'?" type of thing.

Because I have been around this my whole life, I didn't realize what a bad communicator I have been. I have been told that I don't ever give back any input and I never ask any questions when in the midst of a conversation. This has caused me problems in the last couple of relationships I have been in, and when they point it out I feel like I am being scolded...when in all actuality, I thought if I asked anything I would just be being nosey. I hate that I am not inquisitive...apparently some people think I just don't care, when I am actually listening; just not saying much.

When I type things out, I am a fantastic communicator, but in person, apparently I am lacking.

Does anyone know of any books that help with communication?

I read the link that Medusa posted, and I know that I am a passive communicator now. Talk about hitting the nail on the head! It's funny because I think I am so social and outgoing, but when it comes to sitting and holding a serious conversation, apparently, I am something completely different. I have been really frustrated with this lately, and know that this is taking it's toll on my relationships. I hate that I just "take" whatever someone has to say to/about me, and it ends up feeling like I am in trouble or "less than" because I am not the best at communicating.

I guess add this to my list of changes for 2011!

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by waxnrope

I appreciate the discussion on communication. Mostly, I appreciate the recognition that there are multiple styles. And, the unfortunate reality that not one style is suitable for every person.

Where I think that we need to exercise caution is in the manner in which we throw out the term "passive aggressive." This is a psychiatric term relating to a personality disorder. It has ranking within the DSM (currently IV) scales. What this means, like the past use of calling one's neighbor schizophrenic without having fully understood the dimensions of the disorder, calling people passive aggressive without having the tools (or the credentials), the objective observations can just serve to belittle behavior which one disagrees. I think we should be careful here.
For anyone with interest, the following link provides the criteria for the DIAGNOSIS of this disorder. Just reading it does not give the right to sling it around at random. There are nuances ..

http://www.ptypes.com/passive-aggpd.html

Just my $.02 worth and not meant to attack anyone who has used it ... merely a suggestion to reflect about how common the complex and complicated (and, dangerous if misused) commonly accepted practices become.

Hey, wax!

Just wanted to note that Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder was actually removed as a diagnosis from the DSM in the DSM IV version (published 1994, text version 2000). It was moved to Appendix B (for reference).

For me, using the term passive aggressive as it relates to communication styles is very different from someone have a Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder. One can communicate in a passive-aggressive way, but not meet the criteria for the old Passive - Aggressive Personality Disorder diagnosis.

So, when I say that someone is communicating in a passive-aggressive fashion, I am in no way saying that they have a personality disorder. I am merely speaking to their communication style.