Medical Power of Attorney and Other Informational Help

Strappie · 03-15-2011, 06:52 PM

I have to say it's so sad that it has to come to this in some peoples lives. I understand it needs to be done.

It truly saddens me that families will not listen to a child or a siblings wants and needs in times of sickness.

I feel for all that has to go through something like this.

julieisafemme · 03-15-2011, 07:33 PM

Lyric I am so sorry about your partner's illness. It is awful that you are worrying about her health and this stuff at the same time.

I just wanted to point out that these issues are difficult for heterosexual couples too. Parents and spouses are often at odds as to how care for someone.

June made a great point about how scary things can get where there is money involved. I work in financial services and I cannot tell you how horrible people can be to one another where there is money involved.

I suggest that any couple or single queer person make sure that they have all their financial planning, estate planning, medical powers and funeral arrangements made in advance. It is the most loving and caring thing you can do for your partner, children and family. When someone passes away without all of this in place it can be so hard for those left behind. That on top of the grief is so difficult.

I hate to talk about unpleasant subjects but I have seen too many times how hard it is when people don't deal with this stuff before a death or illness.

Much peace, healing and blessings to you lyric.

DomnNC · 03-15-2011, 08:52 PM

Hi Lyric,

Sorry to hear about your partner. You've already been given wonderful advice concerning medical power of attorney and power of attorney. Toxic also needs to fill out a living will as well and have it notorized.

One other thing that will save yer rear end financially, if you have a joint checking or savings account then you need to go to the bank and fill out (crap, can't remember the legal term for it) a paper that stipulates that in the event of death of either of you then the remaining partner is entitled to all funds in said accounts and if something does happen (and I wouldn't wish that on anyone) then you need to get your lil rear end to the bank asap and switch all the accounts over to your name only. If you don't have ALL that done when the bank finds out one is deceased they freeze your account until the estate is settled. It basically states all funds accumulated by the two of you in that joint account becomes yours.

When my wife passed away I went down to the bank within the week and had her name taken off everything and put in just mine so her relatives or some off the wall person claiming she owed them something couldn't come knocking wanting a hand out.

DomnNC · 03-15-2011, 09:10 PM

Socialjustice just told me the document was called a Benefit on Death, I think that's it!

Also, if you have any autos that are co-owned or is just in Toxic's name and he wants you to have it, you might want to consider switching the title and tags to your name. You can always name Toxic as the primary driver but that's up to ya'll.
When my wife passed away we had 9 payments left on her car. I had to pay it off, get the title, go to estate court and place a lien on the vehicle so I was the highest creditor she had so the car went to me when the estate was settled.

Again, I hope nothing like that happens to Toxic, I hope you find a neurologist that will work with you! Good luck to you both!

Miss Scarlett · 03-16-2011, 04:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DomnNC

Hi Lyric,

Sorry to hear about your partner. You've already been given wonderful advice concerning medical power of attorney and power of attorney. Toxic also needs to fill out a living will as well and have it notorized.

One other thing that will save yer rear end financially, if you have a joint checking or savings account then you need to go to the bank and fill out (crap, can't remember the legal term for it) a paper that stipulates that in the event of death of either of you then the remaining partner is entitled to all funds in said accounts and if something does happen (and I wouldn't wish that on anyone) then you need to get your lil rear end to the bank asap and switch all the accounts over to your name only. If you don't have ALL that done when the bank finds out one is deceased they freeze your account until the estate is settled. It basically states all funds accumulated by the two of you in that joint account becomes yours.

When my wife passed away I went down to the bank within the week and had her name taken off everything and put in just mine so her relatives or some off the wall person claiming she owed them something couldn't come knocking wanting a hand out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DomnNC

Socialjustice just told me the document was called a Benefit on Death, I think that's it!

Also, if you have any autos that are co-owned or is just in Toxic's name and he wants you to have it, you might want to consider switching the title and tags to your name. You can always name Toxic as the primary driver but that's up to ya'll.
When my wife passed away we had 9 payments left on her car. I had to pay it off, get the title, go to estate court and place a lien on the vehicle so I was the highest creditor she had so the car went to me when the estate was settled.

Again, I hope nothing like that happens to Toxic, I hope you find a neurologist that will work with you! Good luck to you both!

I think the document DomnNC is referring to for the bank accounts has to do with Rights of Survivorship or in your state it may have something to do with Joint Tenancy. I don't remember what it is called either. You'll have to ask your bank and explain to them what is going on and what you want to do. Do that ASAP. If the bank also requires a Power of Attorney from Toxic (even if it is a joint account) as them to be specific about whether or not it has to be recorded somewhere before they will honour it. (In NC they have to be recorded at the Register of Deeds before they are honoured and it can take a couple of weeks to get the recorded original back before you can use it anywhere.)

Excellent advice about the car too. When my Mom died she had a leased car and was the only person on the lease. Honda expected my Dad to turn the car in AND pay the balance of the lease (2.5 years) but would not put anything in his name. The Power of Attorney "died" when my Mom died. Dad kept & drove the car until the end of the lease.

If you own your home you will need to address that too. Please talk to an attorney as soon as possible.

DomnNC · 03-16-2011, 08:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

I think the document DomnNC is referring to for the bank accounts has to do with Rights of Survivorship

Aha!! That's it! I tried searching at Wachovia's website for it last night because that is where we banked. Thanks!

musicman · 03-16-2011, 06:20 AM

Hi Lyric, Sorry to hear about Toxic. DNR would be a good thing to have Do Not Resuscitate If Toxic doesn't want to be on machines etc.

Even though I'm in Canada and it is legal to be married etc we (same sex couples) have always carried a copy the Medical Power of Attorney and Power of Attorney with us in case something should happen (either away from home or not)

Too many horror stories out there to take a chance.

Keeping you both in my thoughts.

Musicman

socialjustice_fsu · 03-15-2011, 09:13 PM

So sorry to hear what your partner and you have been through. Godspeed.

I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and I work for a large hospice as a specialist in end-of life conflict resolution...meaning I work with the pt., family, friends, significant others to come to some sort of problem solving in the event there is some unresolved issue (s) going on prior to the pt.'s death. I could tell you some deathbed confessions that would stop you in your tracks.

However, I urge you to look into The Five Wishes. It is a document that covers a multitude of things that many of us would never, ever think about when coping with serious diseases. IT STANDS UP IN COURT. This document was developed by the Robert Johnson Foundation and is one of the most comprehensive legal documents I have come across. Here are the 5 Wishes:

The person I want to make care decisions for me when I can't

The kind of medical treatment I want or don't want

How comfortable I want to be

How I want people to treat me

What I want my loved ones to know.

It must be notarized to be valid. This can also be 'recorded' at the local courthouse in the event you have people that may want to come out of the darkness to make your life hell.

For Everyone:

I cannot encourage everyone ENOUGH to get this kind of thing done. Have the talk. AND, don't let it 'slide' in the event you and your partner split. Do you really want to have an 'ex' making medical decisions for you when you can't?

I have many copies of this document. It must be an ORIGINAL form - meaning no copies made for someone else to fill in. It is easy. But, it makes you think, too.
If you are interested in wanting this please PM me and my hospice will cover the cost to get it to you but it will come from my home address to protect you.

Now, more than ever, time is of the essence. For all of us.

julieisafemme · 03-16-2011, 01:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by socialjustice_fsu

So sorry to hear what your partner and you have been through. Godspeed.

I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and I work for a large hospice as a specialist in end-of life conflict resolution...meaning I work with the pt., family, friends, significant others to come to some sort of problem solving in the event there is some unresolved issue (s) going on prior to the pt.'s death. I could tell you some deathbed confessions that would stop you in your tracks.

However, I urge you to look into The Five Wishes. It is a document that covers a multitude of things that many of us would never, ever think about when coping with serious diseases. IT STANDS UP IN COURT. This document was developed by the Robert Johnson Foundation and is one of the most comprehensive legal documents I have come across. Here are the 5 Wishes:

The person I want to make care decisions for me when I can't

The kind of medical treatment I want or don't want

How comfortable I want to be

How I want people to treat me

What I want my loved ones to know.

It must be notarized to be valid. This can also be 'recorded' at the local courthouse in the event you have people that may want to come out of the darkness to make your life hell.

For Everyone:

I cannot encourage everyone ENOUGH to get this kind of thing done. Have the talk. AND, don't let it 'slide' in the event you and your partner split. Do you really want to have an 'ex' making medical decisions for you when you can't?

I have many copies of this document. It must be an ORIGINAL form - meaning no copies made for someone else to fill in. It is easy. But, it makes you think, too.
If you are interested in wanting this please PM me and my hospice will cover the cost to get it to you but it will come from my home address to protect you.

Now, more than ever, time is of the essence. For all of us.

Thank you so much for posting this.

lyric · 03-21-2011, 03:10 PM

I wanted to leave a sincere thank you to everyone who posted in this thread to leave advice or words of support. There were so many useful pieces of information left here and I have learned about some things I either did not know or had forgotten. Thank you!!

As an aside, we have seen a new neurologist who seems fantastic, and we have gotten a referral to Johns Hopkins in Baltimore, so things are looking up! Armed with everything that has been shared here, I feel more confident about having what we need to have in our files to make things a bit easier.

You are all fabulous!! Thanks again!

Jess · 03-21-2011, 05:03 PM

(((((LyricandToxic))))) Hey hon! I am very sorry to hear of Toxic's health issues.

Christie and I have had POA and Medical POA and Living Will for a few years now. There are several versions on line ( and I am sorry I can't recall which ones we downloaded), that are valid in VA once notarized.

VA also recognizes a holographic will ( handwritten and notarized) as being valid as long as it is the most recently documented will. Documents like this can be notarized at just about any bank. I usually get at least two witnesses ( generally a secretary or cashier on hand).

You can go to a lawyer and if you have a great many assets or folks who might create issue, it may be a good idea. There are quite the few things you can do without lawyers, however.

Do let us know if we can help with anything. We love you!

Great words of experience here. Thanks folks!

03-15-2011, 09:13 PM	#8
socialjustice_fsu Member How Do You Identify?: Feminine Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: It’s all good. Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: The gulf waters are sapphire blue and the beach sand is white as snow. Posts: 607 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,866 Thanked 2,155 Times in 439 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Hi Lyric, So sorry to hear what your partner and you have been through. Godspeed. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and I work for a large hospice as a specialist in end-of life conflict resolution...meaning I work with the pt., family, friends, significant others to come to some sort of problem solving in the event there is some unresolved issue (s) going on prior to the pt.'s death. I could tell you some deathbed confessions that would stop you in your tracks. However, I urge you to look into The Five Wishes. It is a document that covers a multitude of things that many of us would never, ever think about when coping with serious diseases. IT STANDS UP IN COURT. This document was developed by the Robert Johnson Foundation and is one of the most comprehensive legal documents I have come across. Here are the 5 Wishes: The person I want to make care decisions for me when I can't The kind of medical treatment I want or don't want How comfortable I want to be How I want people to treat me What I want my loved ones to know. It must be notarized to be valid. This can also be 'recorded' at the local courthouse in the event you have people that may want to come out of the darkness to make your life hell. For Everyone: I cannot encourage everyone ENOUGH to get this kind of thing done. Have the talk. AND, don't let it 'slide' in the event you and your partner split. Do you really want to have an 'ex' making medical decisions for you when you can't? I have many copies of this document. It must be an ORIGINAL form - meaning no copies made for someone else to fill in. It is easy. But, it makes you think, too. If you are interested in wanting this please PM me and my hospice will cover the cost to get it to you but it will come from my home address to protect you. Now, more than ever, time is of the essence. For all of us. __________________ If you are going through hell, keep going. Winston Churchill

03-15-2011, 06:52 PM	#1
Strappie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: I know who I am... Doesn't matter Relationship Status: It's a new day.... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Mpls, MN Posts: 3,283 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,813 Thanked 4,945 Times in 1,350 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I have to say it's so sad that it has to come to this in some peoples lives. I understand it needs to be done. It truly saddens me that families will not listen to a child or a siblings wants and needs in times of sickness. I feel for all that has to go through something like this.

03-15-2011, 07:33 PM	#2
julieisafemme Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Woman Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Married to Greyson Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: In the present Posts: 828 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,156 Thanked 3,434 Times in 660 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Lyric I am so sorry about your partner's illness. It is awful that you are worrying about her health and this stuff at the same time. I just wanted to point out that these issues are difficult for heterosexual couples too. Parents and spouses are often at odds as to how care for someone. June made a great point about how scary things can get where there is money involved. I work in financial services and I cannot tell you how horrible people can be to one another where there is money involved. I suggest that any couple or single queer person make sure that they have all their financial planning, estate planning, medical powers and funeral arrangements made in advance. It is the most loving and caring thing you can do for your partner, children and family. When someone passes away without all of this in place it can be so hard for those left behind. That on top of the grief is so difficult. I hate to talk about unpleasant subjects but I have seen too many times how hard it is when people don't deal with this stuff before a death or illness. Much peace, healing and blessings to you lyric.

03-15-2011, 08:52 PM	#3
DomnNC Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Male Preferred Pronoun?: He/Him Relationship Status: Widow Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Permanently Banned 11/15/2011 Posts: 1,223 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,618 Thanked 2,582 Times in 837 Posts Rep Power: 0	Hi Lyric, Sorry to hear about your partner. You've already been given wonderful advice concerning medical power of attorney and power of attorney. Toxic also needs to fill out a living will as well and have it notorized. One other thing that will save yer rear end financially, if you have a joint checking or savings account then you need to go to the bank and fill out (crap, can't remember the legal term for it) a paper that stipulates that in the event of death of either of you then the remaining partner is entitled to all funds in said accounts and if something does happen (and I wouldn't wish that on anyone) then you need to get your lil rear end to the bank asap and switch all the accounts over to your name only. If you don't have ALL that done when the bank finds out one is deceased they freeze your account until the estate is settled. It basically states all funds accumulated by the two of you in that joint account becomes yours. When my wife passed away I went down to the bank within the week and had her name taken off everything and put in just mine so her relatives or some off the wall person claiming she owed them something couldn't come knocking wanting a hand out.

03-15-2011, 09:10 PM	#4
DomnNC Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Male Preferred Pronoun?: He/Him Relationship Status: Widow Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Permanently Banned 11/15/2011 Posts: 1,223 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,618 Thanked 2,582 Times in 837 Posts Rep Power: 0	Socialjustice just told me the document was called a Benefit on Death, I think that's it! Also, if you have any autos that are co-owned or is just in Toxic's name and he wants you to have it, you might want to consider switching the title and tags to your name. You can always name Toxic as the primary driver but that's up to ya'll. When my wife passed away we had 9 payments left on her car. I had to pay it off, get the title, go to estate court and place a lien on the vehicle so I was the highest creditor she had so the car went to me when the estate was settled. Again, I hope nothing like that happens to Toxic, I hope you find a neurologist that will work with you! Good luck to you both!

03-16-2011, 06:20 AM	#7
musicman Member How Do You Identify?: NA Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: NA Posts: 209 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 195 Thanked 429 Times in 125 Posts Rep Power: 3610464	Hi Lyric, Sorry to hear about Toxic. DNR would be a good thing to have Do Not Resuscitate If Toxic doesn't want to be on machines etc. Even though I'm in Canada and it is legal to be married etc we (same sex couples) have always carried a copy the Medical Power of Attorney and Power of Attorney with us in case something should happen (either away from home or not) Too many horror stories out there to take a chance. Keeping you both in my thoughts. Musicman

03-21-2011, 03:10 PM	#10
lyric Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer Femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: quiet and content Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Springfield, VA Posts: 88 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 161 Thanked 303 Times in 56 Posts Rep Power: 3971634	I wanted to leave a sincere thank you to everyone who posted in this thread to leave advice or words of support. There were so many useful pieces of information left here and I have learned about some things I either did not know or had forgotten. Thank you!! As an aside, we have seen a new neurologist who seems fantastic, and we have gotten a referral to Johns Hopkins in Baltimore, so things are looking up! Armed with everything that has been shared here, I feel more confident about having what we need to have in our files to make things a bit easier. You are all fabulous!! Thanks again!

03-21-2011, 05:03 PM	#11
Jess Timed Out - Permanent How Do You Identify?: decidedly indifferent Preferred Pronoun?: other Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Patrick Springs, VA Posts: 2,812 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,247 Thanked 5,700 Times in 1,682 Posts Rep Power: 0	(((((LyricandToxic))))) Hey hon! I am very sorry to hear of Toxic's health issues. Christie and I have had POA and Medical POA and Living Will for a few years now. There are several versions on line ( and I am sorry I can't recall which ones we downloaded), that are valid in VA once notarized. VA also recognizes a holographic will ( handwritten and notarized) as being valid as long as it is the most recently documented will. Documents like this can be notarized at just about any bank. I usually get at least two witnesses ( generally a secretary or cashier on hand). You can go to a lawyer and if you have a great many assets or folks who might create issue, it may be a good idea. There are quite the few things you can do without lawyers, however. Do let us know if we can help with anything. We love you! Great words of experience here. Thanks folks!