7 Rules for Building Safer/Saner Online Communities

[nycfem]

One of the things that I fell for (an old site, member not part of this site) was to think that someone was "safe" to loan money to in their crisis because they were a frequent poster for years. I felt that the person was so entrenched in the community that they wouldn't disappear. I'd also been "friends" with the individual for years, despite never meeting. After wiring a large sum of money upon the person's desperate request, the person DID disappear and never paid me back or contacted me again. I think that some people groom others with the eventual plan to use them. It's easy to feel comfortable with people who we see every day on the site, to want to quickly jump in and help someone who claims to be on the edge of something terrible happening and is asking for money. I realize now that it's never good to get too comfortable.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

One of the things that I fell for (an old site, member not part of this site) was to think that someone was "safe" to loan money to in their crisis because they were a frequent poster for years. I felt that the person was so entrenched in the community that they wouldn't disappear. I'd also been "friends" with the individual for years, despite never meeting. After wiring a large sum of money upon the person's desperate request, the person DID disappear and never paid me back or contacted me again. I think that some people groom others with the eventual plan to use them. It's easy to feel comfortable with people who we see every day on the site, to want to quickly jump in and help someone who claims to be on the edge of something terrible happening and is asking for money. I realize now that it's never good to get too comfortable.

Raising my hand too. Same story. Someone who I had seen posting for years. Someone everyone seemed to like. I had never talked to ANYONE individually for the 10+ years I was on that site until her. Large sum of money. She didn't disappear, but I didn't tell anyone, either. Anyone. Just in case her reasons for not being able to pay me back were true...you know, I didn't want to ruin her rep! I guess I believed the reasons she couldn't pay it back "just then" too b/c she wasn't the one who wanted to end the online romantic connection. However, even though I was the one that ended the connection, I have a very strong suspicion she wouldn't have paid me back, anyway. (It is not like she still doesn't have my snail mail address!).

Sure wish someone would have said something who noticed our connection. No way in hell I was the first person she did this to. Not that this was anyone's job, of course, but it would have saved me a HECK of a lot of heartache (on many fronts).

I was embarrassed about it. I am not anymore.

[princessbelle]

Geeze maybe we need a thread where people will post that have NOT sent out money. Guilty of more than once which makes me sorta not so brilliant.

Shyly raises hand and am glad i'm not alone. Or i guess maybe i wish i was alone.

I like Gemme's response....and i reiterate...currently...unsuckered.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by princessbelle

Geeze maybe we need a thread where people will post that have NOT sent out money. Guilty of more than once which makes me sorta not so brilliant.

Shyly raises hand and am glad i'm not alone. Or i guess maybe i wish i was alone.

I like Gemme's response....and i reiterate...currently...unsuckered.

Maybe we should be called "the site of ex-suckers!"

[scootebaby]

i can honestly say i have never sent money to anyone,BUT i have been suckered into stories...enough times that now i question almost everything and everybody...and of course i try to warn Jo about things...altho she did get fooled(guess i did as well since i was like "that is sad,and it would be very nice of you"

i have learned however if you wait long enough and pay attention ppl will always forget the lies they tell!....as NYC said if you have the slightest inkling sometihng is not quite right,dont ignore it!

[Gemme]

Jennifer and Dapper....a bit of a derail here, but....I borrowed money from a member on another site once and THEY disappeared before I could finish paying them back.



Okay, so I knew where they were going (a different continent), but they never sent me their new address to continue the payments.

Carry on......

[MysticOceansFL]

I Totally agree and I was almost con'd by a con artist from online <<<<< But I contacted the Sherriff Dept in my town and they delt with the two people!!! I was lucky.

[Gayla]

I have never sent money to anyone that I knew only online although I have come very, very, very close several times. I have also invested huge amounts of time and energy into relationships (of the friendship kind) with people who have turned out to be less than truthful. Oh, and I've fallen madly in love with two people who turned out to be completely batshit crazy.

I've been online for a really long time, since the days of local BB's and Usenet, and I can't count the number of really amazing people that I've met along the way. I also can't count the number of not so great people that I've met.

Probably the most important thing that I've learned through the years is to do as much as you can to verify that the person you are about to send money to, fly across the country to meet for the first time, give your home phone number or address or place of employment, etc. is who they say they are before you do any of those things. Yes, it can be uncomfortable to talk about. Yes, it can appear as "untrusting". Yes, it can be a mood killer. But the only time I've ever had someone balk was when they had something to hide.

[nycfem]

I think also that trusting one's instinct is so important. In the situation I described, I used my own money but made the conscious decision not to check in with BB about it first. And that was strange because I check in with BB on everything. A part of me knew that BB would tell me it was a bad idea, and I didn't want to hear it because I wanted to save my "friend" from being kicked out onto the street at Christmas. Of course, I had been assured that a new job was to start right away after the holiday and that I'd be paid back by the end of January (This was over 3 years ago.). After wiring the money, I did tell BB who responded very matter-of-fact, "You'll never get your money back." BB then noted to me how hinky it was that the person was instructing me where to go to wire money and when I said it was too late, that person let me know what time the place closed and that I did have time and that it must be done right at that moment! What I learned from this is to trust that tiny feeling of doubt that nags at the back of one's head, instead of pushing it away. At the very least check with your partner or someone trusted to get their thoughts.

[JustJo]

<--- putting my hand in the air as one who has been completely and totally deceived and suckered in by an online con artist.

Thank you June....and also to you Jennifer for sharing your story. I spent several years all caught up in the drama of someone who turned out to be a pathological liar (and, no....not on this site). I cringe at how many hours I spent talking, listening, worrying....I sent gifts (not hugely expensive, but still)...and then, when we finally did meet in person, bought into the excuses about why I drove for 4 hours each way, when they could only sit and talk for an hour or 2.

Yes, we all have trouble in our lives at times or issues we're working through, but constant drama or stories that sound on the verge of unbelievable are a huge red flag. And, I believe, that most of these people are damn good at spotting the "soft touch" who will feel compelled to help. If someone is reaching out to you....and avoiding the more level-headed or "hard nosed" folks...there's probably a reason.

Don't be afraid to stalk, to ask others, and to doubt. It doesn't make you a bad person...it means you're acting sensibly.

I believe that you can make friends, have community...even meet a wonderful partner online....but I'd say go slow...and pay attention.

[Gemme]

<--formerly suckered but currently unsuckered

[Nat]

I don't want any of y'all's money. or your secrets. or your girlfriends or boifriends or boyfriends.

Book collections...well :P