Dating women with children, any thoughts?

J. Mason · 08-18-2011, 08:19 PM

Oh yeah no presents thats a given and respect is earned even by kids correct?

Julie · 08-18-2011, 08:27 PM

I always taught my kids this.
Actually, I felt it was important to keep them safe from predators.

RESPECT is a two way street. You do NOT have to respect someone because they are an adult. Even ADULTS need to earn your respect and you need to earn theirs. Of course, being polite is a different story.

Kids really are not puppies. They are complex little creatures with emotions and attachments. Sounds like a puppy -- except, you cannot leave them with just the water bowl filled. They require care and nurturing.

And please... If you are looking for the romantic idea of instant family - don't. There is nothing romantic about children. While they are gifts in our lives, they are never to be taken lightly.

Daywalker · 08-18-2011, 08:30 PM

I've had partners with youngenz before.

I had the fortune of being accepted by these awesome kids.

To co-parent thru potty training, teachers meetings, and yes...even
fighting for full custody (we won!); those opportunities and experiences
can never be replaced and I feel fortunate to have been
able to be a part of their lives.

The hardest part is when the relationship ends.

Needless to say one of my Exes used the child as a pawn in attempt to
reconcile. That was a no-no, and it only hurts the child. I have not seen
her child in years now, which is sad. My other Ex never pulled that game,
and I have seen how beautiful her daughter grew up to be.

Anyway, if you are willing to be selfless and dedicate time and patience
with the children that is great. Do not...ever feel jealousy over the Mom's
love for the children. It is a different love that no one else can get in front of.
Nor should they.

Wishing you well in your endeavors.

J. Mason · 08-18-2011, 08:33 PM

Thanks to all who have posted so far, I look forward to seeing more posts on this subject.

lillith · 08-18-2011, 08:45 PM

I have been on both sides of this coin. I have an ex who demanded that I send my son to boarding school. Needless to say, within 20 seconds of that comment, she was gone. I have dated someone who liked hanging out with my kid more than me. I have also dated someone with kids. She had amazing kids, but she was not on the safe side to date. I think there are a lot of factors to consider, but I think it is wise to watch how she interacts with her child(ren). If she does not place them first, then I can safely say, she will never put you first at any point. If she is too protective, then the relationship will not blossom. It is a fine balance; everyone needs to be able to juggle while remaining as flexible as possible. There are certainly going to be challenging moments, but remember, they are just moments; they will pass. Also remember, there is nothing on earth like the love of a child. So be sincere, honest, respectable, trustworthy, and kind. You will get back all this and more from the mother and the child(ren).

Glenn · 08-18-2011, 08:59 PM

My wife had a beautiful 2 year old daughter when I met her. I still don't know which one I love more, or loves me more

Of course you can get babysitters to go out and be alone like we did. But most of the time, our dates consisted of going on trips together,thezoo, museums, home movies and board games,trick or treating, teaching them stuff you learned, school things like sports/concerts, parent-teacher meetings, circuses, kids birthday parties, friends sleeping over, movies, eating out, malls, etc.

J. Mason · 08-18-2011, 09:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by popcorninthesofa

My wife had a beautiful 2 year old daughter when I met her. I still don't know which one I love more

Of course you can get babysitters to go out and be alone like we did. But most of the time, my dates consisted of going on trips together,thezoo, museums, home movies and board games,trick or treating, teaching them stuff you learned, school things like sports/concerts, parent-teacher meetings, circuses, kids birthday parties, friends sleeping over, movies.etc.you get the picture?

Oh yes I do. I have dated women with small children before it didn't work out too well due to the kid's father being in the picture. This particular woman I speak of now has 15 year old twin boys and I have never been up to par on what to do with teenagers.

The_Lady_Snow · 08-18-2011, 09:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by J. Mason

Oh yes I do. I have dated women with small children before it didn't work out too well due to the kid's father being in the picture. This particular woman I speak of now has 15 year old twin boys and I have never been up to par on what to do with teenagers.

Funny thing with kids is they come with another set of family besides the mother and the mother's side... That's something that is between them, you're not to speak ugly of other said parent in front of child for that is speaking ill of them. Teen agers aren't a picnic, they are one boundary setting after another, remember being one? They are going to push... It's part of their journey it's up to the parental units to set clear boundaries and lines of respect amongst the family unit..... You are coming into their family and have to remember they are going to let you in or not.

Good Luck and be patient..

J. Mason · 08-18-2011, 09:12 PM

Yup lots of patience and if I do go meet her she already told me I am meeting them. Just no clue on how to mingle with them and what they like to do except eat LOL.

Oh lawd me as a teenger, now that's another story in itself.

RadiantYearning · 08-18-2011, 09:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by J. Mason

Oh yes I do. I have dated women with small children before it didn't work out too well due to the kid's father being in the picture. This particular woman I speak of now has 15 year old twin boys and I have never been up to par on what to do with teenagers.

I have three children ... they are 18, 15 and 5. I'm incredibly open with my children and I don't hide my affection for my partners from them because I refuse to give them a reason to ever feel ashamed of who their mother is or who I love. It kills me when people, especially parents, cry and complain about acceptance when they themselves aren't even proud enough of who they are to share all of their lives with their kids. I understand special circumstances and I don't pretend to always be right or understand every situation ... I only know that very often it's the parents themselves who plant the seeds of shame in their own kids.

That being said, kids, especially teenagers, can sniff out a phony faster than a bloodhound!! Everyone who said don't try to buy the kids couldn't have been more dead on. Sure, the kids will enjoy whatever it is you spoil them with but they will absolutely see right through you and the best you can hope for then will be polite manipulation. My best advice is to be genuine and take the time to get to know the kids. Spend time with them and let them know that you sincerely accept them as part of the package. Respect is indeed a two way street, especially with teenagers who are quickly approaching young adulthood. Respect that these boys are their mother's first priority in the world regardless of their age and know that the way you treat their mom will directly impact your relationship with them and thus your relationship with her! Also know that if you attempt to compete with them, you will lose so don't try ... there are so many different ways to love, strive to make the love between the two of you special while accepting that the love between a mother and her children is always paramount.

Tcountry · 08-18-2011, 11:47 PM

Dating 101:
How long have you been talking and what are the current intentions?If you have been talking for a long time and the delay in the first meeting is because of distance...
If intentions are long term
If you have actually had a phone convo with the kids

What is the event schedule for this first meeting?Are you meeting mother and kids for dinner and then getting "us time" with just the mother?

How old are the kids and how out/open is the mother?The kids are teenagers, the mom could be very open with them. They could be, like Radiant indicated, the BS meters...lol
Younger kids attach easier and faster (or the ones I have met)
How close is mom to the kids father? How close are the kids?

What is the mother's thought process as to your meeting the kids, and what would you be introduced as?Why is she wanting you to meet them first meeting?
Will you be her "friend", someone she wants to date, etc etc...?

AND these are just the questions I can think of at the moment.
A lot of it has to do with the mother and her intentions and actions/feelings...not only about you but about dating and about her kids.
I have been in a relationship where the father lived in the same town and we all celebrated major holidays together...
I have talked to one lady and during one of the first phone convos talked to her teenage daughter(by daughter's request)...

It is all relivant and every family is as different as every individual person here...I would advise you to keep communication honest and clear before during and after first meeting.

IF you have any doubts or hesitations...please voice them BEFORE you ever meet the kids.

All the living together, and parenting, and stuff like that advise would come later...lol

That is all I have for now.... *tip hat* good luck!

jelli · 08-19-2011, 04:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RadiantYearning

I have three children ... they are 18, 15 and 5. I'm incredibly open with my children and I don't hide my affection for my partners from them because I refuse to give them a reason to ever feel ashamed of who their mother is or who I love. It kills me when people, especially parents, cry and complain about acceptance when they themselves aren't even proud enough of who they are to share all of their lives with their kids. I understand special circumstances and I don't pretend to always be right or understand every situation ... I only know that very often it's the parents themselves who plant the seeds of shame in their own kids.

That being said, kids, especially teenagers, can sniff out a phony faster than a bloodhound!! Everyone who said don't try to buy the kids couldn't have been more dead on. Sure, the kids will enjoy whatever it is you spoil them with but they will absolutely see right through you and the best you can hope for then will be polite manipulation. My best advice is to be genuine and take the time to get to know the kids. Spend time with them and let them know that you sincerely accept them as part of the package. Respect is indeed a two way street, especially with teenagers who are quickly approaching young adulthood. Respect that these boys are their mother's first priority in the world regardless of their age and know that the way you treat their mom will directly impact your relationship with them and thus your relationship with her! Also know that if you attempt to compete with them, you will lose so don't try ... there are so many different ways to love, strive to make the love between the two of you special while accepting that the love between a mother and her children is always paramount.

The statement about the kids being like bloodhounds... If that were true than why do we have all the issues with breakups, dating, etc?

jelli · 08-19-2011, 04:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by J. Mason

Oh yes I do. I have dated women with small children before it didn't work out too well due to the kid's father being in the picture. This particular woman I speak of now has 15 year old twin boys and I have never been up to par on what to do with teenagers.

The father being in the picture is not always a bad situation. Just sayin'.

J. Mason · 08-19-2011, 04:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jelli

The father being in the picture is not always a bad situation. Just sayin'.

no it's not but when he says negative things about you to the kids there is a problem, IMO

OS Butch · 08-18-2011, 08:42 PM

As a parent of a now 21 yo, When she was younger, I never introduced mine to anyone I dated immediately. If I were dating today, I would not hesitate to introduce my date to her....she actually probably has a better incite to me than I do myself. For me, I would see a red flag if a person of interest to me wanted to introduce me to her child/ren.
There are many things to consider, especially because kids come 1st, if they don't....Again, Red Flag for me.
Ageist as it sounds, at 54, I would not consider dating anyone with a pre-teen. That brings many things into play that I don't think I have the capacity to handle.....co-parenting would be a biggie in my book.
Lots to consider...especially if you have no experience with kids. It can be done, it is just different than dating with no children.

OSB

08-18-2011, 08:27 PM	#2
Julie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Angel * Femme * Lesbian * Girl * Woman * Slut * Bitch * Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: No longer a Virgin Bride to Dreamer ~ May 17th, 2014 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: New York Posts: 4,674 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 17,676 Thanked 18,160 Times in 3,633 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	I always taught my kids this. Actually, I felt it was important to keep them safe from predators. RESPECT is a two way street. You do NOT have to respect someone because they are an adult. Even ADULTS need to earn your respect and you need to earn theirs. Of course, being polite is a different story. Kids really are not puppies. They are complex little creatures with emotions and attachments. Sounds like a puppy -- except, you cannot leave them with just the water bowl filled. They require care and nurturing. And please... If you are looking for the romantic idea of instant family - don't. There is nothing romantic about children. While they are gifts in our lives, they are never to be taken lightly. __________________ “Sometimes only one person is missing and the whole world seems depopulated.” ~ Alphonse de Lamartine - 1790-1869 http://i374.photobucket.com/albums/o...ps4d9fb6c0.jpg I Love You ~ I Love Us May 17, 2014

08-18-2011, 08:30 PM	#3
Daywalker Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Hippy Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: * Posts: 3,750 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,499 Thanked 11,916 Times in 2,700 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I've had partners with youngenz before. I had the fortune of being accepted by these awesome kids. To co-parent thru potty training, teachers meetings, and yes...even fighting for full custody (we won!); those opportunities and experiences can never be replaced and I feel fortunate to have been able to be a part of their lives. The hardest part is when the relationship ends. Needless to say one of my Exes used the child as a pawn in attempt to reconcile. That was a no-no, and it only hurts the child. I have not seen her child in years now, which is sad. My other Ex never pulled that game, and I have seen how beautiful her daughter grew up to be. Anyway, if you are willing to be selfless and dedicate time and patience with the children that is great. Do not...ever feel jealousy over the Mom's love for the children. It is a different love that no one else can get in front of. Nor should they. Wishing you well in your endeavors. __________________ www.SirDaywalker.com

08-18-2011, 08:45 PM	#5
lillith Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her, hey you! Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 514 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 204 Thanked 688 Times in 225 Posts Rep Power: 5173241	I have been on both sides of this coin. I have an ex who demanded that I send my son to boarding school. Needless to say, within 20 seconds of that comment, she was gone. I have dated someone who liked hanging out with my kid more than me. I have also dated someone with kids. She had amazing kids, but she was not on the safe side to date. I think there are a lot of factors to consider, but I think it is wise to watch how she interacts with her child(ren). If she does not place them first, then I can safely say, she will never put you first at any point. If she is too protective, then the relationship will not blossom. It is a fine balance; everyone needs to be able to juggle while remaining as flexible as possible. There are certainly going to be challenging moments, but remember, they are just moments; they will pass. Also remember, there is nothing on earth like the love of a child. So be sincere, honest, respectable, trustworthy, and kind. You will get back all this and more from the mother and the child(ren). __________________ now how can you ignore a dancing pink elephant? and how i so wish it would rain here.

08-18-2011, 11:47 PM	#11
Tcountry Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Country Boi Preferred Pronoun?: call it as u see it Relationship Status: Completely...complete ;) Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Either at the beach or in the pool Posts: 1,665 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,929 Thanked 4,287 Times in 1,181 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	$.02 from T Dating 101: How long have you been talking and what are the current intentions?If you have been talking for a long time and the delay in the first meeting is because of distance... If intentions are long term If you have actually had a phone convo with the kids What is the event schedule for this first meeting?Are you meeting mother and kids for dinner and then getting "us time" with just the mother? How old are the kids and how out/open is the mother?The kids are teenagers, the mom could be very open with them. They could be, like Radiant indicated, the BS meters...lol Younger kids attach easier and faster (or the ones I have met) How close is mom to the kids father? How close are the kids? What is the mother's thought process as to your meeting the kids, and what would you be introduced as?Why is she wanting you to meet them first meeting? Will you be her "friend", someone she wants to date, etc etc...? AND these are just the questions I can think of at the moment. A lot of it has to do with the mother and her intentions and actions/feelings...not only about you but about dating and about her kids. I have been in a relationship where the father lived in the same town and we all celebrated major holidays together... I have talked to one lady and during one of the first phone convos talked to her teenage daughter(by daughter's request)... It is all relivant and every family is as different as every individual person here...I would advise you to keep communication honest and clear before during and after first meeting. IF you have any doubts or hesitations...please voice them BEFORE you ever meet the kids. All the living together, and parenting, and stuff like that advise would come later...lol That is all I have for now.... tip hat good luck! __________________ "You don't Find life worth living; You MAKE IT that way"

08-18-2011, 08:42 PM	#15
OS Butch Member How Do You Identify?: Butch-BLW Preferred Pronoun?: Default-She Relationship Status: Closed Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Northern Virginia Posts: 636 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 488 Thanked 1,378 Times in 461 Posts Rep Power: 12988704	As a parent of a now 21 yo, When she was younger, I never introduced mine to anyone I dated immediately. If I were dating today, I would not hesitate to introduce my date to her....she actually probably has a better incite to me than I do myself. For me, I would see a red flag if a person of interest to me wanted to introduce me to her child/ren. There are many things to consider, especially because kids come 1st, if they don't....Again, Red Flag for me. Ageist as it sounds, at 54, I would not consider dating anyone with a pre-teen. That brings many things into play that I don't think I have the capacity to handle.....co-parenting would be a biggie in my book. Lots to consider...especially if you have no experience with kids. It can be done, it is just different than dating with no children. OSB __________________ You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you. ~Tinkerbell~

08-18-2011, 08:19 PM	#1
J. Mason Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Banned 11/9/2011 - Previously banned member back under new name Preferred Pronoun?: He and His Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: Texas/Oklahoma Posts: 861 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 250 Thanked 741 Times in 361 Posts Rep Power: 0	Oh yeah no presents thats a given and respect is earned even by kids correct?

08-18-2011, 08:33 PM	#4
J. Mason Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Banned 11/9/2011 - Previously banned member back under new name Preferred Pronoun?: He and His Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: Texas/Oklahoma Posts: 861 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 250 Thanked 741 Times in 361 Posts Rep Power: 0	Thanks to all who have posted so far, I look forward to seeing more posts on this subject.

08-18-2011, 08:59 PM	#6
Glenn Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Ol butch bones. Preferred Pronoun?: Old thing Relationship Status: Too old to play. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: :rolleyes: Posts: 1,547 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,602 Thanked 3,729 Times in 1,095 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	My wife had a beautiful 2 year old daughter when I met her. I still don't know which one I love more, or loves me more Of course you can get babysitters to go out and be alone like we did. But most of the time, our dates consisted of going on trips together,thezoo, museums, home movies and board games,trick or treating, teaching them stuff you learned, school things like sports/concerts, parent-teacher meetings, circuses, kids birthday parties, friends sleeping over, movies, eating out, malls, etc.

08-18-2011, 09:12 PM	#9
J. Mason Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Banned 11/9/2011 - Previously banned member back under new name Preferred Pronoun?: He and His Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: Texas/Oklahoma Posts: 861 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 250 Thanked 741 Times in 361 Posts Rep Power: 0	Yup lots of patience and if I do go meet her she already told me I am meeting them. Just no clue on how to mingle with them and what they like to do except eat LOL. Oh lawd me as a teenger, now that's another story in itself.