All of Me

[Massive]

If I could take back every angry hurtful word I would,
But you forgave me,
As I forgave you,
And it changed completely.
You saw right into my heart,
And knew where it all came from,
And you knew just what to say to open my eyes once again.
Whatever did I do to deserve you?
I now have a love, a partner and a friend,
Who can ever truly ask for more?
This path may lead us apart,
But regardless we will love one another,
And defend one another from anyone standing in our way.
Complicated doesn’t come close,
But this is our choice,
Not theirs.
Other people may understand,
While others can never,
But it makes sense to us and works because we want it to,
And that’s more than good enough for me.
This life is a blessing,
As is the love we share,
No matter what or where we may become,
That will remain true forever.
So thank you for being in my life,
For never leaving,
For understanding,
For being you.

21/08/11
M

[Massive]

Freedom

I’m tired of fighting for nothing,
I’m done,
The book is closed for good this time.
You wouldn’t listen to me,
That’s fine,
I know I tried my best,
And I know I deserve so much better than this.
I deserve someone who will listen,
Who won’t pre-judge me based on a past that’s not mine,
One who takes the time to understand.
I love me,
I love all my complexities,
Because they are what makes me who I am.
But I’m free now,
You did show me that,
And I would thank you if you could listen,
But such is life.
I’m carrying on with my life,
I’m taking what I need,
And leaving the negative crap behind me,
It’s not going to drag me down,
You’re not going to take me down to your level.
I’m rising above,
Moving onwards and upwards,
Where I can soar,
Where I can be with my true friends and Family.
You didn’t want this?
Not my problem,
Nor my loss.
Good luck,
But I don’t have to bend over backwards to keep you smiling now,
You fired me from that position,
Now I’m smiling for me and mine,
Because I know who and what I have to love,
And who loves me,
Truly loves Me in return.

24/08/11
M

[Massive]

Why???

This is tearing me apart,
The indecision,
The doubts,
It’s like there’s a gaping hole in my chest and I don’t know what can fill it ever again.
I’m torn between seeking the happiness I’ve always craved,
And not knowing if I can take being hurt all over again.
It’s not even barely emotional pain now,
It’s physical,
Like being stabbed repeatedly in the chest.
I don’t think I’m ready for this,
Will I ever be?
Will I ever know the answers?
Will I ever have a love that isn’t so fucking complicated?
Will it ever stop hurting?
I want love,
But is love worth sleepless nights,
Making myself ill with worry and stress,
Never knowing if it will be sweet or nasty to talk?
I just want the pain to be over,
I want my Mum to come wrap her arms around me and tell me everything will be okay,
I want someone to hold me,
Why is that such a terrible thing?
Why does being butch mean I have to be the one who sets the rules,
Who has to take every blow on the chin,
Shrug it off like it can’t hurt,
Doesn’t hurt,
Never hurts,
When it tears me up inside worse than being shot or stabbed?
I love who I love,
But the pain of this is too much,
I can’t make a decision,
But I have to,
Life’s just like that.
A fucking fucked up mess of a fucking fucked up choice,
Whichever way I go means hurting,
Either hurting her,
Or hurting myself.
Which is the right choice?
Is there one?
Do I try?
But then what do I do if it falls around my ears again?
Can I take that,
Can I take hours of crying so hard it leaves my throat and chest feeling raw?
Can I live with myself knowing that it might be the best thing to happen to me?
Can I take these endless doubts??
I don’t know,
I just don’t fucking know,
And it’s tearing me up inside more and more,
The harder I think or try,
The worse it gets...
I want to cry,
And cry,
And cry,
Until all the pain goes away,
But I can’t do it,
It’s too deep,
It won’t go away right now.
I need time to think,
But the longer I leave it,
The worse it could get.
Why does love have to be this way?
Why can’t I just be happy?
Why do I try to be?
Just,
Why?

30/08/11
M

[Massive]

Honesty?

Why even bother saying it,
If you don’t mean it?
Why keep on saying something,
When you know it hurts?
If it’s so hard for you to say,
Then I say fucking save it for the next fool.
I didn’t think it was possible to be this pissed off,
To be so totally unable to believe the words,
Coming from someone who allegedly loves me.
Right people,
Wrong time?
Really??
Is that seriously all you could say?
And then wonder why I may just happen to be upset,
If that’s the only reasoning you can give,
When you said it was forever,
YOU said it,
Repeatedly and publically.
Guess what?
I can’t believe you,
I can’t believe I let myself trust you again,
More fool me.
Just another fool that’s me,
Cos I can’t possibly know my own mind,
Or what I want out of life...
Oh, wait, no, I have issues with my emotions and expressing them...
Oh, no, that would be you.
You have taught me one thing,
To never take things at face value again,
To not trust people and see what good could be in them,
To not believe a word anyone else says,
To only see the negative,
To pick faults with what makes someone themselves.
Thanks,
I really needed that.
Like a hole in the head.
Yet more lies.
Self-perpetuating bullshit.
You don’t love someone and dump them,
In the real world you’re honest enough to admit to not feeling anything at all.
Honesty?
Yeah, not sure I believe that word any more.

30/09/11
M

[Massive]

We Are All Worthy

Alone I stand,
But I will not fall,
I will not fall,
Because I am worth it,
We are all worth it.
We all deserve something right and good in this life,
We can all attain it,
Without having to worry about sleepless nights,
And other fables that others try to force upon us.
How hard is it to shoulder these responsibilities?
With your head held high,
Facing every sunrise,
No fear,
No despair,
It is easy.
We all deserve that someone,
We make our own fates,
If we do bad,
Then we end up with what we deserve,
My conscience is clear,
I have done and always have done my very best.
I may stand alone,
But I’m never truly alone,
Because I can see what else is out there,
What is there to reach out and grasp,
I left my blinders way back when,
My past may affect my future,
But I can see how and why,
And I can and do control it,
Unlike some.
I can love whoever and however I choose,
It’s got nothing to do with anyone else,
As to who lives within me,
I choose.
Just as I choose my path,
Without being judged by someone else’s standards,
Someone else’s fucked up past.
I can stand true and proud,
For I am my own person,
I can sleep sound at night,
Because no-one controls my life,
I can live,
I can love,
I can be me.
Not what someone else expects of me,
What they choose me to be,
Because I am just fine as I am,
I may fuck up,
We all do,
It’s called being human,
And once we accept our own humanity,
That’s when we are truly free.
That is when we become worthy,
Because we are all worthy,
We’re all worth being happy,
We’re all worth being free.
Embrace it.
Or life in the dark forever
...

07/09/11
M

[girl_dee]

Lovely and wonderful, as always...

[Massive]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Lovely and wonderful, as always...

*smiles* Thank you, and as always I appreciate your support