Eating Disorders ~

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

Do remember how comforting that self-imposed exile felt? Whenever it crosses my mind i have to stop and ask myself "what was i thinking?"

it was very safe....infinitely predictable. now i feel like life is really chaotic and i go back and forth on whether that's a good thing

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

Are there any books people find helpful? I just love the book "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher.

Portia DiRossi's book was the very best- the most honest about the aftermath of making the decision to recover. Other books either end just after the decision, or gloss over the things you desperately want to know, like "exactly how much will i gain?" Portia told all.

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

it was very safe....infinitely predictable. now i feel like life is really chaotic and i go back and forth on whether that's a good thing

(((((dark_crystal))))) Going back and forth is pretty "normal" in any recovery...i do the same thing about smoking. At the moment i am pondering whether or not to start back up which is nothing new for me. It has happened several times a year since i quit back in 1988.

i don't know where you are with this or how long you've been on your recovery journey. mine began 25 years ago and over those years i had to learn to accept this is a day by day thing, at times it will be moment by moment and sometimes even bite by bite.

i confess that at the moment there are 2 bottles of recently purchased ipecac on the counter in my kitchen...also nothing new for me. From time to time (when stressed, struggling or going through some sort of dark times) i pick up a bottle or so. They will sit there until i feel that i no longer need them and then i will throw them away - unopened (well, unopened is the goal).

We are by no means weak, oh no no no! We need to learn to rechannel the tremendous strength and self control/regulation that enable us to maintain those destructive behaviours. It doesn't happen overnight and takes a lot of work but it is possible.

[nycfem]

Another favorite book of mine is Home Sick by Jenny Lauren, Ralph Lauren's niece. She developed permanent, very serious stomach problems. She used A LOT of Ipecac throughout her youth.

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

Another favorite book of mine is Home Sick by Jenny Lauren, Ralph Lauren's niece. She developed permanent, very serious stomach problems. She used A LOT of Ipecac throughout her youth.

Thanks Jenn, i'll have to check this out...

[sylvie]

i've been having a really bad week..
i've been hard on myself, and that's why i've been offline, until things improve.. i'm having a very hard time getting myself back into a healthy headspace about this, it's so easy to want to fall back to old habits..

So right now, my time offline has been about using my tools and resources and getting myself back on track.. It all went downhill from gaining the 4 lbs back - i swear this is the toughest struggle of my entire life..

i was repped last week (i just seen it tonight) and it said "No beating yourself..... falling on your face is still moving forward!" - how true is that? so i'm writing it down and i'm pinning it up in a few places, on my bedroom mirror, on my refrigerator and a few places i look often - i need to remember this! (thank you Inked Trinity for that) ..

---
i have been attending meetings everyday - & just want to extend a huge thank you to those of you sharing in this thread but also those of you who have repped and messaged me privately - it's sooo appreciated.. i really, really need this, so much, it not only helps me to understand my own crazy emotions, but also helps me and motivates me to stop my self destructive behaviours..

i have to believe i can do this & need to get back on track!

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

We are by no means weak, oh no no no! We need to learn to rechannel the tremendous strength and self control/regulation that enable us to maintain those destructive behaviours. It doesn't happen overnight and takes a lot of work but it is possible.

This is something i need to understand more about myself these days, and also that it doesn't happen overnight.. i'm not weak.. it's taking every bit of strength and control i have within me to do this day to day - and this IS possible. because everyday, it's such a struggle and i get frustrated and it gets so overwhelming and i just want to cry ... it feels like completely silly things to cry over, but to me i feel like i'm giving up something thats been such a source of peace to me for so many years.. (i know that's a bad way of thinking about it) but it's so difficult... i really, really commend you (all of you actually) for the strength you's have to be so strong and to share your thoughts and stories with me.. i strive for some ease with myself and strength to look at this more realistically, and really do what's best for me and taking care of me - rather than fall to old habits...

it's funny how i can build myself up for so long, and then downspiral SO quick... i can do this too -

((((dc)))), i would love to read Portia's book as well, think that will be my next book purchase, actually! thanks for suggesting that, i remember seeing it on Ellen one day...
((((Jenn)))) thank you for your book suggestions too! i soo need to action buying them, the more resources the better! and i know your read suggestions rock!
((((Miss Scarlett)))) i am so understanding when you said the hardest thing for you to understand is that this will be with you forever... i struggle with that the most, i know this will be a lifetime commitment...
And reading your words, rang true for me, the thinning hair, the enamel on your teeth, brittle nails.. i have a very hard time eating in public, even today.. i dont like people watching me eat, unless they are people in my comfort zone, like close family, a partner, etc..

what i need to work on - forgiving myself..and moving forward and trying again!

[Miss Scarlett]

(((((sylvie))))) Punkin you can PM me any time you need to talk.

BTW - cry...it's not silly and in fact i highly recommend it.

Originally Posted by sylvie

This is something i need to understand more about myself these days, and also that it doesn't happen overnight.. i'm not weak.. it's taking every bit of strength and control i have within me to do this day to day - and this IS possible. because everyday, it's such a struggle and i get frustrated and it gets so overwhelming and i just want to cry ... it feels like completely silly things to cry over, but to me i feel like i'm giving up something thats been such a source of peace to me for so many years.. (i know that's a bad way of thinking about it) but it's so difficult... i really, really commend you (all of you actually) for the strength you's have to be so strong and to share your thoughts and stories with me.. i strive for some ease with myself and strength to look at this more realistically, and really do what's best for me and taking care of me - rather than fall to old habits...

it's funny how i can build myself up for so long, and then downspiral SO quick... i can do this too -

((((dc)))), i would love to read Portia's book as well, think that will be my next book purchase, actually! thanks for suggesting that, i remember seeing it on Ellen one day...
((((Jenn)))) thank you for your book suggestions too! i soo need to action buying them, the more resources the better! and i know your read suggestions rock!
((((Miss Scarlett)))) i am so understanding when you said the hardest thing for you to understand is that this will be with you forever... i struggle with that the most, i know this will be a lifetime commitment...
And reading your words, rang true for me, the thinning hair, the enamel on your teeth, brittle nails.. i have a very hard time eating in public, even today.. i dont like people watching me eat, unless they are people in my comfort zone, like close family, a partner, etc..

what i need to work on - forgiving myself..and moving forward and trying again!

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

(((((sylvie))))) Punkin you can PM me any time you need to talk.

BTW - cry...it's not silly and in fact i highly recommend it.

thank You so much Miss Scarlett, i am going to PM you right now before i sign off for the night!! i've been dying to get in here and catch up with this thread, thank you again! ♥