PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by friskyfemme

Throughout my life, I have actually ached physically to be loved by someone who loved me 'unconditionally'(whatever that means!). Everytime I have 'found' love, I have tested (challenged) that the person did indeed love me. If they did meet the 'test', I felt extreme anxiety that they would soon find me out (that I wasn't the 'wonderful' person they thought I was). I 'knew' they would evenutally see for theirself and leave me. So, I 'worn' them down until they finally did leave. If they didn't meet the 'test', I would leave.
Either way this would feed into my feeling of not being worthy! It has only been recently, that I have come to realize that this is seeded in my childhood not only of my father's abuse physical and emotional; but also my mother's inability to protect me and my sibs from his abuse.
I do know consciously that blaming others for my own inadequatecy; is only destructive. I also know consciously, that fostering an hidden image of being inadequate or unworthy is self defeating. However, burying this in my subconscious has kept me from being 'present' in a relationship. I am declaring now: I am WORTHY of forever love and I am going to ALLOW my forever lover to find and stay wih me. I don't expect this to happen overnight, but at least I am stepping out of the shadow of my past into the Light of my future .
You might be asking yourself-what happened to FF to inspire this unexpected transformation. The answer is YOU! All of YOU who have shared their PSTD struggles in this thread! You have forced me to look at my own hidden pain. THANK YOU! May Spirit wrap you in love and peace!
FF

Frisky!!!

Just remember that there's gonna be days when you feel like you took two steps forward and three back. Dont focus on the mistake beat yourself up thoughts, but make it the oops try better next time thought. Give yourself some leeway and forgiveness that nothing happened to you in the past all overnight... and so this too don't expect immediate permanent changes overnight. Realizing is awesome and the first step. Just don't forget we are all still here to be supportive on those days when you get overwhelmed or are being hard on yourself. Everyone has a day when they think screw this its too hard/painful ect....

When I think of it as changing habits I think I am more able to act/think like I want to... and not act/think like I used to before I realized I needed to change. And I allow myself to backslip when I do... and accept its just a speed bump and not a huge wall of "no hope". Less pressure for me tends to help me be more successful in recovering.

[Andrew, Jr.]

For me, I know what hell is. There were many a times when I wanted to do the unthinkable. After being beaten by my father, or when he got me fired from my job, emptied my bank account, destroyed my car's engine after I paid for it, and the list goes on and on, after a while I went numb. It was like I wasn't even a human being. So I do know the feeling of being lost and worthlessness. Add onto that being called derrogatory names in school because I was slow, and failing. It still happens today. I am used to be calling retard or schizo. I shake my head. I will never understand. I can understand kids, but not adults. Again, that is just me and my perception.

Prayers helped then and now. That was all I had. Everyone who I could depend on, was too fearful to intervene. My father was/is mentally ill. That is about where I put it at.

Andrew