All of Me

Massive · 08-29-2011, 11:37 PM

Why???

This is tearing me apart,
The indecision,
The doubts,
It’s like there’s a gaping hole in my chest and I don’t know what can fill it ever again.
I’m torn between seeking the happiness I’ve always craved,
And not knowing if I can take being hurt all over again.
It’s not even barely emotional pain now,
It’s physical,
Like being stabbed repeatedly in the chest.
I don’t think I’m ready for this,
Will I ever be?
Will I ever know the answers?
Will I ever have a love that isn’t so fucking complicated?
Will it ever stop hurting?
I want love,
But is love worth sleepless nights,
Making myself ill with worry and stress,
Never knowing if it will be sweet or nasty to talk?
I just want the pain to be over,
I want my Mum to come wrap her arms around me and tell me everything will be okay,
I want someone to hold me,
Why is that such a terrible thing?
Why does being butch mean I have to be the one who sets the rules,
Who has to take every blow on the chin,
Shrug it off like it can’t hurt,
Doesn’t hurt,
Never hurts,
When it tears me up inside worse than being shot or stabbed?
I love who I love,
But the pain of this is too much,
I can’t make a decision,
But I have to,
Life’s just like that.
A fucking fucked up mess of a fucking fucked up choice,
Whichever way I go means hurting,
Either hurting her,
Or hurting myself.
Which is the right choice?
Is there one?
Do I try?
But then what do I do if it falls around my ears again?
Can I take that,
Can I take hours of crying so hard it leaves my throat and chest feeling raw?
Can I live with myself knowing that it might be the best thing to happen to me?
Can I take these endless doubts??
I don’t know,
I just don’t fucking know,
And it’s tearing me up inside more and more,
The harder I think or try,
The worse it gets...
I want to cry,
And cry,
And cry,
Until all the pain goes away,
But I can’t do it,
It’s too deep,
It won’t go away right now.
I need time to think,
But the longer I leave it,
The worse it could get.
Why does love have to be this way?
Why can’t I just be happy?
Why do I try to be?
Just,
Why?

30/08/11
M

Massive · 09-29-2011, 07:16 PM

Honesty?

Why even bother saying it,
If you don’t mean it?
Why keep on saying something,
When you know it hurts?
If it’s so hard for you to say,
Then I say fucking save it for the next fool.
I didn’t think it was possible to be this pissed off,
To be so totally unable to believe the words,
Coming from someone who allegedly loves me.
Right people,
Wrong time?
Really??
Is that seriously all you could say?
And then wonder why I may just happen to be upset,
If that’s the only reasoning you can give,
When you said it was forever,
YOU said it,
Repeatedly and publically.
Guess what?
I can’t believe you,
I can’t believe I let myself trust you again,
More fool me.
Just another fool that’s me,
Cos I can’t possibly know my own mind,
Or what I want out of life...
Oh, wait, no, I have issues with my emotions and expressing them...
Oh, no, that would be you.
You have taught me one thing,
To never take things at face value again,
To not trust people and see what good could be in them,
To not believe a word anyone else says,
To only see the negative,
To pick faults with what makes someone themselves.
Thanks,
I really needed that.
Like a hole in the head.
Yet more lies.
Self-perpetuating bullshit.
You don’t love someone and dump them,
In the real world you’re honest enough to admit to not feeling anything at all.
Honesty?
Yeah, not sure I believe that word any more.

30/09/11
M

Massive · 10-06-2011, 05:14 PM

We Are All Worthy

Alone I stand,
But I will not fall,
I will not fall,
Because I am worth it,
We are all worth it.
We all deserve something right and good in this life,
We can all attain it,
Without having to worry about sleepless nights,
And other fables that others try to force upon us.
How hard is it to shoulder these responsibilities?
With your head held high,
Facing every sunrise,
No fear,
No despair,
It is easy.
We all deserve that someone,
We make our own fates,
If we do bad,
Then we end up with what we deserve,
My conscience is clear,
I have done and always have done my very best.
I may stand alone,
But I’m never truly alone,
Because I can see what else is out there,
What is there to reach out and grasp,
I left my blinders way back when,
My past may affect my future,
But I can see how and why,
And I can and do control it,
Unlike some.
I can love whoever and however I choose,
It’s got nothing to do with anyone else,
As to who lives within me,
I choose.
Just as I choose my path,
Without being judged by someone else’s standards,
Someone else’s fucked up past.
I can stand true and proud,
For I am my own person,
I can sleep sound at night,
Because no-one controls my life,
I can live,
I can love,
I can be me.
Not what someone else expects of me,
What they choose me to be,
Because I am just fine as I am,
I may fuck up,
We all do,
It’s called being human,
And once we accept our own humanity,
That’s when we are truly free.
That is when we become worthy,
Because we are all worthy,
We’re all worth being happy,
We’re all worth being free.
Embrace it.
Or life in the dark forever
...

07/09/11
M

girl_dee · 10-06-2011, 05:57 PM

Lovely and wonderful, as always...

Massive · 10-06-2011, 05:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Lovely and wonderful, as always...

*smiles* Thank you, and as always I appreciate your support

Massive · 10-07-2011, 05:44 PM

Jealousy?

Am I supposed to get jealous?
When you wave your drama around in front of me,
When you jump from relationship to relationship,
Only days after you dump me,
Am I supposed to feel guilty for what I lost out on?
No,
I don’t think so,
I’m not stooping to your level,
I don’t have to,
Because I know I’m better than that,
I know what I’m worth,
And I’m worth far more than you could ever have given me.
Funny how you can go from proposing marriage,
To sleeping with your ex,
In such a short period of time,
That’s not love,
That’s using people for your own ends.
That’s lower than low,
That’s beneath contempt.
So why should I get jealous?
Why can’t I be the adult?
Get on with your life,
Whatever,
You dumped me...
If we get right down to it,
What a fascinating case study you would be,
But that would mean paying more attention,
To more bullshit and lies,
And yeah,
You’re so not worth that.
Sorry,
I’ve got a life,
How about you?
You’ve got to come around me all the time,
Bragging about shit that means nothing to me,
Grow up,
I had thought you were an adult,
How wrong was I?
Guess I was the only adult in the relationship,
But you live and learn,
I won’t let someone use
Or abuse me,
Because they have self-esteem issues,
Guess what?
Adults in love are not abusive to their partners!
Guess what?
You did me a favour when you dumped me!
Because I can hold my head up high,
And let other people see you for the hypocrite you are,
And I don’t even have to say a single word,
Because you’re saying it all for me,
By trying to be the star attraction,
In a circus of bullshit you’ve created,
Good luck,
But please,
Just stay the fuck away from me with your filth.
I pass,
I don’t want nor need it,
Never did,
I guess it wasn’t ever love,
Because I can’t even pity you now,
All I feel is contempt,
Nothing else.
I made a good escape from all that,
Thank fuck for that.
So,
Carry on trying to make me jealous sweetheart,
The only way I see it is I missed having to spend a life in misery with you,
So who won that one?
Looks to me like it was me
...

07/09/11
M

Massive · 10-10-2011, 02:17 PM

Beyond Contempt

Spewing out your filth and bullshit lies,
You’re parasites,
And deserve just what you get.
You think hurting people is acceptable?
Well, you’re wrong,
It makes you worse than scum,
It makes you beyond contempt,
You say you don’t feel guilt?
Don’t feel sorry in any way?
If that’s the case,
Why bolster your lack of self-esteem
By lashing out at the few who could give a damn?
Why hurt people who’ve done nothing wrong,
Other than care about you,
And wrongly so,
Because you don’t deserve it,
You barely deserve the hatred you create.
All you are are seething pits of negative blackness,
Devouring or destroying all that is good in this world,
And thinking your actions are justified,
Well guess what?
You’re still wrong.
Karma’s the bitch that will bite you back,
Because you get what you give out
Back tenfold,
And there won’t be anybody there to pick up the pieces,
Because you lost anyone who could’ve cared long ago.
So carry on with your pathetic lives,
Just don’t drag the rest of us down to your level in the process,
Some of us happen to give a damn,
Some of us have hearts and consciences,
Some of us care,
Some of us have real feelings,
Some of us are worth it.
You are not.

09/09/11
M

08-29-2011, 11:37 PM	#1
Massive Member How Do You Identify?: Trans man Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him Relationship Status: not looking Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Northern England Posts: 945 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,669 Thanked 2,383 Times in 765 Posts Rep Power: 17762095	Why??? This is tearing me apart, The indecision, The doubts, It’s like there’s a gaping hole in my chest and I don’t know what can fill it ever again. I’m torn between seeking the happiness I’ve always craved, And not knowing if I can take being hurt all over again. It’s not even barely emotional pain now, It’s physical, Like being stabbed repeatedly in the chest. I don’t think I’m ready for this, Will I ever be? Will I ever know the answers? Will I ever have a love that isn’t so fucking complicated? Will it ever stop hurting? I want love, But is love worth sleepless nights, Making myself ill with worry and stress, Never knowing if it will be sweet or nasty to talk? I just want the pain to be over, I want my Mum to come wrap her arms around me and tell me everything will be okay, I want someone to hold me, Why is that such a terrible thing? Why does being butch mean I have to be the one who sets the rules, Who has to take every blow on the chin, Shrug it off like it can’t hurt, Doesn’t hurt, Never hurts, When it tears me up inside worse than being shot or stabbed? I love who I love, But the pain of this is too much, I can’t make a decision, But I have to, Life’s just like that. A fucking fucked up mess of a fucking fucked up choice, Whichever way I go means hurting, Either hurting her, Or hurting myself. Which is the right choice? Is there one? Do I try? But then what do I do if it falls around my ears again? Can I take that, Can I take hours of crying so hard it leaves my throat and chest feeling raw? Can I live with myself knowing that it might be the best thing to happen to me? Can I take these endless doubts?? I don’t know, I just don’t fucking know, And it’s tearing me up inside more and more, The harder I think or try, The worse it gets... I want to cry, And cry, And cry, Until all the pain goes away, But I can’t do it, It’s too deep, It won’t go away right now. I need time to think, But the longer I leave it, The worse it could get. Why does love have to be this way? Why can’t I just be happy? Why do I try to be? Just, Why? 30/08/11 M __________________ You may not be able to choose your bio-family, but you can choose your Family

09-29-2011, 07:16 PM	#2
Massive Member How Do You Identify?: Trans man Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him Relationship Status: not looking Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Northern England Posts: 945 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,669 Thanked 2,383 Times in 765 Posts Rep Power: 17762095	Honesty? Why even bother saying it, If you don’t mean it? Why keep on saying something, When you know it hurts? If it’s so hard for you to say, Then I say fucking save it for the next fool. I didn’t think it was possible to be this pissed off, To be so totally unable to believe the words, Coming from someone who allegedly loves me. Right people, Wrong time? Really?? Is that seriously all you could say? And then wonder why I may just happen to be upset, If that’s the only reasoning you can give, When you said it was forever, YOU said it, Repeatedly and publically. Guess what? I can’t believe you, I can’t believe I let myself trust you again, More fool me. Just another fool that’s me, Cos I can’t possibly know my own mind, Or what I want out of life... Oh, wait, no, I have issues with my emotions and expressing them... Oh, no, that would be you. You have taught me one thing, To never take things at face value again, To not trust people and see what good could be in them, To not believe a word anyone else says, To only see the negative, To pick faults with what makes someone themselves. Thanks, I really needed that. Like a hole in the head. Yet more lies. Self-perpetuating bullshit. You don’t love someone and dump them, In the real world you’re honest enough to admit to not feeling anything at all. Honesty? Yeah, not sure I believe that word any more. 30/09/11 M __________________ You may not be able to choose your bio-family, but you can choose your Family

10-06-2011, 05:14 PM	#3
Massive Member How Do You Identify?: Trans man Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him Relationship Status: not looking Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Northern England Posts: 945 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,669 Thanked 2,383 Times in 765 Posts Rep Power: 17762095	We Are All Worthy Alone I stand, But I will not fall, I will not fall, Because I am worth it, We are all worth it. We all deserve something right and good in this life, We can all attain it, Without having to worry about sleepless nights, And other fables that others try to force upon us. How hard is it to shoulder these responsibilities? With your head held high, Facing every sunrise, No fear, No despair, It is easy. We all deserve that someone, We make our own fates, If we do bad, Then we end up with what we deserve, My conscience is clear, I have done and always have done my very best. I may stand alone, But I’m never truly alone, Because I can see what else is out there, What is there to reach out and grasp, I left my blinders way back when, My past may affect my future, But I can see how and why, And I can and do control it, Unlike some. I can love whoever and however I choose, It’s got nothing to do with anyone else, As to who lives within me, I choose. Just as I choose my path, Without being judged by someone else’s standards, Someone else’s fucked up past. I can stand true and proud, For I am my own person, I can sleep sound at night, Because no-one controls my life, I can live, I can love, I can be me. Not what someone else expects of me, What they choose me to be, Because I am just fine as I am, I may fuck up, We all do, It’s called being human, And once we accept our own humanity, That’s when we are truly free. That is when we become worthy, Because we are all worthy, We’re all worth being happy, We’re all worth being free. Embrace it. Or life in the dark forever ... 07/09/11 M __________________ You may not be able to choose your bio-family, but you can choose your Family

10-07-2011, 05:44 PM	#6
Massive Member How Do You Identify?: Trans man Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him Relationship Status: not looking Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Northern England Posts: 945 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,669 Thanked 2,383 Times in 765 Posts Rep Power: 17762095	Jealousy? Am I supposed to get jealous? When you wave your drama around in front of me, When you jump from relationship to relationship, Only days after you dump me, Am I supposed to feel guilty for what I lost out on? No, I don’t think so, I’m not stooping to your level, I don’t have to, Because I know I’m better than that, I know what I’m worth, And I’m worth far more than you could ever have given me. Funny how you can go from proposing marriage, To sleeping with your ex, In such a short period of time, That’s not love, That’s using people for your own ends. That’s lower than low, That’s beneath contempt. So why should I get jealous? Why can’t I be the adult? Get on with your life, Whatever, You dumped me... If we get right down to it, What a fascinating case study you would be, But that would mean paying more attention, To more bullshit and lies, And yeah, You’re so not worth that. Sorry, I’ve got a life, How about you? You’ve got to come around me all the time, Bragging about shit that means nothing to me, Grow up, I had thought you were an adult, How wrong was I? Guess I was the only adult in the relationship, But you live and learn, I won’t let someone use Or abuse me, Because they have self-esteem issues, Guess what? Adults in love are not abusive to their partners! Guess what? You did me a favour when you dumped me! Because I can hold my head up high, And let other people see you for the hypocrite you are, And I don’t even have to say a single word, Because you’re saying it all for me, By trying to be the star attraction, In a circus of bullshit you’ve created, Good luck, But please, Just stay the fuck away from me with your filth. I pass, I don’t want nor need it, Never did, I guess it wasn’t ever love, Because I can’t even pity you now, All I feel is contempt, Nothing else. I made a good escape from all that, Thank fuck for that. So, Carry on trying to make me jealous sweetheart, The only way I see it is I missed having to spend a life in misery with you, So who won that one? Looks to me like it was me ... 07/09/11 M __________________ You may not be able to choose your bio-family, but you can choose your Family

10-10-2011, 02:17 PM	#7
Massive Member How Do You Identify?: Trans man Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him Relationship Status: not looking Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Northern England Posts: 945 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,669 Thanked 2,383 Times in 765 Posts Rep Power: 17762095	Beyond Contempt Spewing out your filth and bullshit lies, You’re parasites, And deserve just what you get. You think hurting people is acceptable? Well, you’re wrong, It makes you worse than scum, It makes you beyond contempt, You say you don’t feel guilt? Don’t feel sorry in any way? If that’s the case, Why bolster your lack of self-esteem By lashing out at the few who could give a damn? Why hurt people who’ve done nothing wrong, Other than care about you, And wrongly so, Because you don’t deserve it, You barely deserve the hatred you create. All you are are seething pits of negative blackness, Devouring or destroying all that is good in this world, And thinking your actions are justified, Well guess what? You’re still wrong. Karma’s the bitch that will bite you back, Because you get what you give out Back tenfold, And there won’t be anybody there to pick up the pieces, Because you lost anyone who could’ve cared long ago. So carry on with your pathetic lives, Just don’t drag the rest of us down to your level in the process, Some of us happen to give a damn, Some of us have hearts and consciences, Some of us care, Some of us have real feelings, Some of us are worth it. You are not. 09/09/11 M __________________ You may not be able to choose your bio-family, but you can choose your Family

10-06-2011, 05:57 PM	#4
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,829 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	Lovely and wonderful, as always...