PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Canela]

Originally Posted by DELSDAUGHTER

no its not crazy at all, what you said. I have met several people in my life that repeat the same choices and gravitate to the same type of people because it felt like the "norm" I had two very special people walk out of my life because things were "too good" My therapist said it was because it was not what they were used to ,having grown up in dysfunctional households and years of abuse. They said i was too good to them....
i appreciate the insight you have given me...

Thank you DELSDAUGHTER and yes, it's like being conditioned by dysfunctional upbringing or experiences, you're always looking for that dysfunction to manifest itself SOMEWHERE in ANY and/or every area of your life...life, love, work, social, everywhere....no area off limits...

For me--I learned through God and ALL HIS GOODNESS that I didn't have to STAY in that mindset. (Therapy helped too, but not like prayer and faith.) You have to want it (change) I guess, you have to make a conscious (SP) effort to change our habits, our mode of thinking, our paranoia for instance, that keeps us thinking it's ALWAYS going to be like that, with EVERYONE. I read something here along the lines of 'since they'd never had a healthy, non-dysfunctional family, it was a foreign concept to experience one in their lives, via someone else. It was the same way for ME.

Thankfully, we have ALL learned to find a way out of the pain and abuse, and are on our way to healing, praise God! I see that in the posts I have read where we share our pain and experiences and then share how we are surviving. I have a saying, "everyday I open my eyes, I have another day to do something better than I did the day before". This saying is a part of what motivates me to keep going. That and the responsibility of being a mom and having someone needing me to be there, healthy and whole...and I plan to be. One day. If not, I hold on to the hope that I will continue on a pathway to healing and surviving more and more everyday. That this goal is attainable, and that it is a lifelong commitment that this commitment-phobe (that should say something)...lol...fully intends to keep.

I'm sure it's that way with all of us here, if we look, there's always some reasoning behind the motivation [survival] that gets us to sit up, prioritize ourselves and make a plan and decide to implement it, for our own best self. I'm rooting(sp)/praying for each and everyone of us to get to a healthy space in our hearts and lives through whatever means works for each of us.

Love and blessings to you!

[DELSDAUGHTER]

Originally Posted by LittleShug

Thank you DELSDAUGHTER and yes, it's like being conditioned by dysfunctional upbringing or experiences, you're always looking for that dysfunction to manifest itself SOMEWHERE in ANY and/or every area of your life...life, love, work, social, everywhere....no area off limits...

For me--I learned through God and ALL HIS GOODNESS that I didn't have to STAY in that mindset. (Therapy helped too, but not like prayer and faith.) You have to want it (change) I guess, you have to make a conscious (SP) effort to change our habits, our mode of thinking, our paranoia for instance, that keeps us thinking it's ALWAYS going to be like that, with EVERYONE. I read something here along the lines of 'since they'd never had a healthy, non-dysfunctional family, it was a foreign concept to experience one in their lives, via someone else. It was the same way for ME.

Thankfully, we have ALL learned to find a way out of the pain and abuse, and are on our way to healing, praise God! I see that in the posts I have read where we share our pain and experiences and then share how we are surviving. I have a saying, "everyday I open my eyes, I have another day to do something better than I did the day before". This saying is a part of what motivates me to keep going. That and the responsibility of being a mom and having someone needing me to be there, healthy and whole...and I plan to be. One day. If not, I hold on to the hope that I will continue on a pathway to healing and surviving more and more everyday. That this goal is attainable, and that it is a lifelong commitment that this commitment-phobe (that should say something)...lol...fully intends to keep.

I'm sure it's that way with all of us here, if we look, there's always some reasoning behind the motivation [survival] that gets us to sit up, prioritize ourselves and make a plan and decide to implement it, for our own best self. I'm rooting(sp)/praying for each and everyone of us to get to a healthy space in our hearts and lives through whatever means works for each of us.

Love and blessings to you!

well reading how you all are growing and living goodlives...gives me hope that those people that walked away will someday find their way to this same point you all have....thanks for including me in this conversation all of you....

[Canela]

I know this probably goes in the "quotes" thread, but I read it today and thought I would share it with all of us here...

A road well begun is the battle half won.
The important thing is to make a beginning
and get under way…

Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
Danish philosopher and writer

Love and blessings to you all,

Little Shug

[HeartBreak Kid]

In those moments when I am too weak to think, I turn to my books....I try to find inspiration on the pages, I look for my life in between the lines.....
A good friend wrote some great things before I even knew she existed..I cannot explain what it is that I am feeling but she can........

One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it.

I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse.......
There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me.
~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~

[Andrew, Jr.]

Heartbreak Kid,

I have heard of that before, but can't remember where from. It is anger turned inward = depression.

That is a horrible place to be. I think at one time or another we were all there. It just took so much energy and strength to live. And in living we are beating our abuser(s). They are the ones who failed us repeatedly.

Thank you for your post. It was so well stated.

God bless you,
Andrew

[Canela]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Heartbreak Kid,

I have heard of that before, but can't remember where from. It is anger turned inward = depression.

That is a horrible place to be. I think at one time or another we were all there. It just took so much energy and strength to live. And in living we are beating our abuser(s). They are the ones who failed us repeatedly.

Thank you for your post. It was so well stated.

God bless you,
Andrew

I love this too, Andrew, "and in living we are beating our abuser(s)"...amen!

[Gemme]

HB Kid, I'm not familiar with Jaramillo's work, but it's true. The truly sinister part is that a lot of us don't realize what we are doing to ourselves until it's done.

For myself, I've sabotaged relationships, good things, time, good feelings in general, but especially my self feelings...self-worth, self-esteem, self-image...as a result of this inner abuse I put onto myself when it wasn't mine to do to begin with. My cup runneth over, they say, and I know that mine did and when it did, I did turn outward. I did rage. I did strike out, but not until I had filled me completely and had nowhere else to go.

The last line..."There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me."...is true for me, to a degree, even today.

[Canela]

Originally Posted by HeartBreak Kid

In those moments when I am too weak to think, I turn to my books....I try to find inspiration on the pages, I look for my life in between the lines.....
A good friend wrote some great things before I even knew she existed..I cannot explain what it is that I am feeling but she can........

One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it.

I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse.......
There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me.
~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~

Wow.

I read this and kept seeing flashes of my life pass thru my mind...self destructive, self mutilating, self loathing, suicidal--over 25 years--that was me...It was a vicious cycle and exactly like the last line of your post, the abuser in me wanted to kill the victim in me...until I finally gave up trying to fix everything myself and handed myself over to my higher power. And then, it was over. Praise God. But this post of yours is so right on. Wow.

I'm just kinda sitting here writing this in a haze...*s...but this too shall pass...

To me, honesty and reality are the best antidotes for lingering ghosts...

Thank you for sharing this.

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by HeartBreak Kid

In those moments when I am too weak to think, I turn to my books....I try to find inspiration on the pages, I look for my life in between the lines.....
A good friend wrote some great things before I even knew she existed..I cannot explain what it is that I am feeling but she can........

One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it.

I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse.......
There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me.
~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~

I just wanted to thank you for this post. Some days, like today, a person really just needs to hear this coming from someone else... somewhere else... just so your soul knows beyond any doubt that you are not alone in the way you feel. To see proof that you aren't the only one who has to struggle not to do this to themselves.

[HeartBreak Kid]

"THIS" is NOT a cry for help. Nor is it a call for support, acceptance, understanding, or sympathy. I am not asking for prayers, thanks, or even acknowledgment.

"THIS" is a person, a girl, a mother, an abuser and an abused woman sitting in the dark in a house with "family" that are as alien to me as I to them.

*I don't know them, they don't know me......we co-exists, each a sovereign planet orbiting around each other. Occasionally through the sheer will of ones gravitational pull.......we collide......and we speak something real....do something real.....then as predictable as the sun rising each morning........we disengage, and become alone..............
............again................

Today -
*I Feel like a star.......a tumultuous ball of gas giving all my warmth and light to everyone who seeks it...................
.......................When was the last time YOU thanked the sun?

My star.....is anxious....paranoid......confused.....but mostly tired......I have been spinning and shining and providing.........I want to rest............
....................So I wait..................

To Super Nova...........to self-destruct...........it takes so long........ I fight to pierce myself....but i cannot....the knife, the razor, the scissors are never sharp enough to bleed out.........
......................I have scars...............

I can feel the change.....The Super Nova is coming......But it tells me it needs my help............I cry out to light...............beg to learn the secret to extinguish it forever..................
...................no answer.........

Well, what is the next step......I need to burn hotter......so I may burn out......

I love harder, I hate harder, I give more, more more more....adding fuel to my fire........I cry tears.....My face is wet................
.......................I feel nothing.............

There has to be a way.....I need more....harder...rougher......dirtier.....hatefill ed....self loathing.....so i may explode.......... a brilliant, blinding blight..........
...........Removed..........

But my light, while smaller and dispersed......will shine, from afar...........
..................forever................

[HeartBreak Kid]

Someone who self-injures is caught in a whirlpool of sorts. The one thing that we depend on is something that is considered bad for us. So we have to build an elaborate web of deceit, much like someone hiding a drug addiction. This hurts us as much as it does you. In fact, it contributes to our downward spiral. We lie, feel guilty for lying, cut ourselves to alleviate the guilt, then it starts over — we have to lie again. Tomorrow will be better, we tell ourselves. Tomorrow I’ll do better; I’ll start over, a clean slate. Only every tomorrow turns to today, and we always ruin today. We spend our lives chasing that tomorrow, that tomorrow that never comes. We cut our skin, trying to carve our imperfect bodies into something pure and beautiful. We hurt ourselves physically to ease the pain that ravages our insides. We hide behind our scars because we don’t know what we are deep inside, and what we do know we are, we hate. Growing up in a world that hates us, we just never learned quite how to live. And it’s as simple as that. No sideshow freaks, no scary psychotic asylum patients… just a bunch of people who are essentially broken in some way, waiting for the day to come when they will find the strength to fix themselves. And that day will come. Eventually they will realize they’ve hit rock bottom. “And that there is, in fact, an incredible freedom in having nothing left to lose.” (Hornbacher, 279).

[Selenay]

Originally Posted by HeartBreak Kid

One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it.

I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse.......
There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me.
~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~

I love this piece, but it was not written by Canéla. Canéla transcribed an interview with Gloria Anzaldúa, so the quote belongs to her.

You Can Read The Rest Here

[Andrew, Jr.]

Does anyone still have flashbacks? This is how I perceive my ptsd.

Andrew

[Canela]

Originally Posted by Selenay

I love this piece, but it was not written by Canéla. Canéla transcribed an interview with Gloria Anzaldúa, so the quote belongs to her.

You Can Read The Rest Here

A powerful read...thank you for sharing this, Selly...big hugs for you.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Does anyone still have flashbacks? This is how I perceive my ptsd.

Andrew

Yep.

This last year so many of them...I think that the Brain Spotting therapy I am having is helping.

I think flashbacks pretty much describes ptsd to a t.

[Jet]

It's taken 17 years and 15 months of reaching the core emotions and event of the entire trauma. What hurts the most is that I will never be the same. I have to accept I suppose, but I will miss me. Everything is compromised. Wishing everyone here peace in hopes that you NEVER endure the compromise of your core being. This is dark night of the soul beyond PTSD in temporal terms.

[Princess4u]

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

It's taken 17 years and 15 months of reaching the core emotions and event of the entire trauma. What hurts the most is that I will never be the same. I have to accept I suppose, but I will miss me. Everything is compromised. Wishing everyone here peace in hopes that you NEVER endure the compromise of your core being. This is dark night of the soul beyond PTSD in temporal terms.

No one is ever the same after confronting their PTSD, at least that is what I think and feel, but perhaps we become a better person, more compassionate, more loving, more helpful to others in distress. I think become more humble and willing to accept things that we once shunned away from ourselves. Perhaps seeing the beauty beyond the outter shell of ppl and things. Admiring the beauty GOD has granted us with each and everyday. With each new season, a thunderstorm. Because we realize how fragile life can be, we realize how precious ppl can be and that the truest of blessings are the most simplest of things inside of ourselves and around us. We may never know that person we once were, but imagine the person you can become once you are complete and whole again. Dream big and lift yourself out of the darkness to become the man you want to be!

[Gemme]

I read an article yesterday about a topic not related to PTSD, but there was a quote in there that I felt might be relevant to the discussion here.

Dr. Boyce Watkins wrote, "When someone kills your spirit and willingness to try, then they have given a death sentence to your destiny."

Every teeny, tiny thing that happens to us and around us affects us in some way. The huge stuff....the traumatic stuff....when someone does something to you that changes who you were, then they affectively killed the person you would have been.

Everything changes from that moment on and you have to work exceptionally hard to not only get back to where you were (as best as possible, anyway), but you've new obstacles to overcome. You have to find a way to gain the strength to give yourself life and to remain present in it.

[Princess4u]

I find it still very strange, how after all of the years I still feel so out of control when confronted with a trigger or a "lil red flag in the pit of my stomach". You know that feeling I am sure we all have it I think. But you would think that experience, time, age, wisdom, would help me to learn how to react during these events. But I find myself feeling so out of control, helpless, frozen stiff out of fear. I just dont understand, no matter how many times I try to rehearse in my head the proper response....when the time comes...I am transported back in time to that place and once again frozen still in terror and unable to react.

[Jet]

Originally Posted by Princess4u

I find it still very strange, how after all of the years I still feel so out of control when confronted with a trigger or a "lil red flag in the pit of my stomach". You know that feeling I am sure we all have it I think. But you would think that experience, time, age, wisdom, would help me to learn how to react during these events. But I find myself feeling so out of control, helpless, frozen stiff out of fear. I just dont understand, no matter how many times I try to rehearse in my head the proper response....when the time comes...I am transported back in time to that place and once again frozen still in terror and unable to react.

I dont know if this will help, but one of my dearest friends, who is a psychologist, said we have to feel the feelings when a memory arises. You can't be afraid to feel; fear of feeling or reliving keeps us imprisoned. My goal has been to move through the feelings and the memories. It's very difficult, but try not to be afraid to feel the event.