Ask a trans person!

EnderD_503 · 09-27-2011, 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Oopster

I apologized and said I don't know where or how sir came out becaust i'm trans and I totally saw her as a her. I hadn't even perceived her as trans until the others jumped on me. Later I realized that when I said "So are you" they thought I said "sir".

Hence I just wondered how often are we and those close to us over sensitive to what is used? Maybe react when there is no need to react?

I don't think transpeople are too sensitive when it comes to what people use as gender markers. I think bringing it down to oversensitivity opens us up to that being broadened to: "Well, that's not really transphobic, you're just too sensitive."

I think that the situation you described is one that doesn't occur frequently even if it might on a rare occasion, and so I don't think can constitute an oversensitivity, but the result of a reality. When we hear people are using the incorrect marker (even if, on a very slim chance, we've misheard), it's for a reason. Society does it consistently, and so I could see how even mishearing people can occur because of that consistency (you've come to expect it through experience, which can result on mishearing on a rare occasion).

The Oopster · 09-27-2011, 09:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EnderD_503

I don't think transpeople are too sensitive when it comes to what people use as gender markers. I think bringing it down to oversensitivity opens us up to that being broadened to: "Well, that's not really transphobic, you're just too sensitive."

I think that the situation you described is one that doesn't occur frequently even if it might on a rare occasion, and so I don't think can constitute an oversensitivity, but the result of a reality. When we hear people are using the incorrect marker (even if, on a very slim chance, we've misheard), it's for a reason. Society does it consistently, and so I could see how even mishearing people can occur because of that consistency (you've come to expect it through experience, which can result on mishearing on a rare occasion).

i can see that but i know for me when I tend to mishear happens to be when I'm more sensitive to stuff!

Since then I have taken notice and I think there are times I over react. Likewise it's easy to justify overreaction beacuse of consistent experience. I don't think that is fair either to those that really are trying.

Like I said it really hit me off guard and they were adminent that I call her sir. I knew I hadn't but it took me awhile to figure out how they thought it. I didn't even perceive her as trans until they did that!

It actually wasn't the transperson, it was the people with her. I know for a fact it bothers my room mate more when people use the wrong pronouns then it does for me. I don't like it but it boils his skin.

kannon · 10-12-2011, 03:46 PM

I've had the "transitioning" discussion with my mom but she has difficulties acknowledging my masculinity. I can sense how uncomfortable she is when people call me sir. I've decided to give her a pass, even when women are hitting on me and she outs me and runs them off. *shaking head*

I have a straight woman that appears to be attracted to me. She does not know I'm trans. She came to my work the other day and asked for Kris the man. Luckily most of my co-workers are understanding and they use male pronouns. I think I'm going to have to talk with all of them. Even the ones that I fear will be ugly about it.

Anyway, I fear that it will scare her quite a bit when and if she discovers that I'm trans. Regardless, I've decided to ask her out as friends. I'm really a little nervous about it because 1.This is uncharted territory for me. 2. I don't pass all the time (I don't want to have that conversation upfront) I think it's important for her to get to know me as a person and a friend before I bust out initiate details about myself.

How have you guys dealt with this?

CockyDude · 10-12-2011, 04:26 PM

Kannon, I have been living as a straight man for over 35 years. Other than this sight, there are less than a handful of people that know I am trans. There are plenty of women whom I dated that don't know. The "reveal" is a delicate situation. For me personally, I don't want people knowing. My family has been supportive of me since my teens, but I don't feel the need for people I won't be involved with long term to know. Because of the type of lifestyle I lead this is just safer for me, in my opinion. Ultimately, only you can make those decisions for yourself within your own comfort zones and mindsets.

kannon · 10-12-2011, 04:34 PM

Thanks Cocky. It really is up to each individual to decide for themselves. I guess I'll play it by ear and wait for the right moment to reveal that part of myself.

J. Mason · 10-13-2011, 03:18 AM

I agree with Cocky, you have to do what you think is right and comfortable to you.

I am upfront about being trans, I believe in honesty and if women run off, well as my friends say often, it's their loss.

DapperButch · 10-13-2011, 05:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by J. Mason

I agree with Cocky, you have to do what you think is right and comfortable to you.

I am upfront about being trans, I believe in honesty and if women run off, well as my friends say often, it's their loss.

Hey, J. Mason. I am just thinking out loud here....but, I am wondering if it would be different for you if you were taking hormones and were read as male?

Isn't it kind of a different situation from those who are taking hormones? They are read as male and have to tell someone that they were assigned female at birth. You are seen as female and have to tell someone that inside you are male. The women that each of you are coming out to are coming from opposite places.

Make sense? No disrespect meant, I am just thinking outloud here and wondering your thoughts on this.

kannon · 10-13-2011, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by J. Mason

I agree with Cocky, you have to do what you think is right and comfortable to you.

I am upfront about being trans, I believe in honesty and if women run off, well as my friends say often, it's their loss.

I believe in honesty as well. I'm not sure what you mean by being upfront. Do you tell women the day you meet them?

For me, I will not share personal information with someone until I've developed a certain level of trust. I've met some women that proved to be very untrustworthy. I've learned to take my time and watch people's behavior rather than listen to their words. After a period of time I really get to know what that person is made of. I don't listen to what other people say about them. I base my opinions on my own observations and experiences with them.

I will share this aspect of myself after I've developed a bond with someone.

Ebon · 10-12-2011, 04:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Oopster

i can see that but i know for me when I tend to mishear happens to be when I'm more sensitive to stuff!

Since then I have taken notice and I think there are times I over react. Likewise it's easy to justify overreaction beacuse of consistent experience. I don't think that is fair either to those that really are trying.

Like I said it really hit me off guard and they were adminent that I call her sir. I knew I hadn't but it took me awhile to figure out how they thought it. I didn't even perceive her as trans until they did that!

It actually wasn't the transperson, it was the people with her. I know for a fact it bothers my room mate more when people use the wrong pronouns then it does for me. I don't like it but it boils his skin.

My best friend is the same way. He gives people dirty looks if they use the wrong pronoun but I explained to him that it doesn't bother me anymore because I have no illusions that I am still in a female body and I know it's not easy for some people. Hell I've even used the wrong pronoun with friends of mine. If someone is trying then I appreciate that but if someone slips then I won't get mad over it.

Quintease · 10-13-2011, 12:19 PM

I've always wondered about that! (the guys 'revealing' themselves bit)

My husband met all his women online where they were able to discuss his gender before meeting, so has no idea how other guys do it.

Not long before my current relationship began, a friend of mine had a similar experience with an MTF who wasn't honest prior to them falling into bed. At the time I was shocked, wondering why anyone would deceive another human being in such a way. Now I can kinda understand how hard it would be to say the words, 'I like you but..'

J. Mason · 10-13-2011, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Got it. Thanks for your thoughts.

You are welcome!

Quote:

Originally Posted by kannon

I believe in honesty as well. I'm not sure what you mean by being upfront. Do you tell women the day you meet them?

For me, I will not share personal information with someone until I've developed a certain level of trust. I've met some women that proved to be very untrustworthy. I've learned to take my time and watch people's behavior rather than listen to their words. After a period of time I really get to know what that person is made of. I don't listen to what other people say about them. I base my opinions on my own observations and experiences with them.

I will share this aspect of myself after I've developed a bond with someone.

Yeah pretty much I tell em upfront so I do not have to deal with any issues that may arise from not telling them sooner. I have heard many horror stories from some transguys about how the ladies react if they are not told sooner.

EnderD_503 · 10-13-2011, 07:55 PM

I guess it depends if you continue to maintain ties with the lgbtq community/if that's where you're looking for relationships/sex or not, or how you view your own status as a trans person. Personally, I don't see it as something that one would go out of their way to hide from someone unless you might be putting your safety at risk, as it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I can understand if someone is strictly living stealth as some choose to and is looking for relationships with straight women rather than queer women. That would make it more difficult, imo, since often straight women don't have the same experiences and are pretty tied to certain rigid worldviews. I guess it all depends on the person you're interested in.

kannon · 10-13-2011, 09:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EnderD_503

I guess it depends if you continue to maintain ties with the lgbtq community/if that's where you're looking for relationships/sex or not, or how you view your own status as a trans person. Personally, I don't see it as something that one would go out of their way to hide from someone unless you might be putting your safety at risk, as it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I can understand if someone is strictly living stealth as some choose to and is looking for relationships with straight women rather than queer women. That would make it more difficult, imo, since often straight women don't have the same experiences and are pretty tied to certain rigid worldviews. I guess it all depends on the person you're interested in.

It really depends on a lot of different factors.

For my personal situation, I'm not going out of my way to hide and I'm not going out of my way to reveal it. I'm being me. I don't think I need to tell strangers that I'm trans just like I don't feel compelled to tell them that I'm of Scottish decent or any thing else that's not relevant to the moment. The "moment" being the early stages of a relationship. I choose to introduce acquaintances to my sense of humor and my laid back nature. I reveal more as I develop trust and feel more comfortable around them.

10-13-2011, 12:19 PM	#10
Quintease Member How Do You Identify?: Rainbow femme Preferred Pronoun?: princess Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 514 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 508 Thanked 1,817 Times in 417 Posts Rep Power: 10560327	I've always wondered about that! (the guys 'revealing' themselves bit) My husband met all his women online where they were able to discuss his gender before meeting, so has no idea how other guys do it. Not long before my current relationship began, a friend of mine had a similar experience with an MTF who wasn't honest prior to them falling into bed. At the time I was shocked, wondering why anyone would deceive another human being in such a way. Now I can kinda understand how hard it would be to say the words, 'I like you but..' __________________ It is not worth an intelligent person's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.

10-12-2011, 03:46 PM	#3
kannon Member How Do You Identify?: bloke Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Happy is the heart that believes in angels Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Land of Milk and Honey Posts: 884 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,920 Thanked 2,066 Times in 584 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I've had the "transitioning" discussion with my mom but she has difficulties acknowledging my masculinity. I can sense how uncomfortable she is when people call me sir. I've decided to give her a pass, even when women are hitting on me and she outs me and runs them off. shaking head I have a straight woman that appears to be attracted to me. She does not know I'm trans. She came to my work the other day and asked for Kris the man. Luckily most of my co-workers are understanding and they use male pronouns. I think I'm going to have to talk with all of them. Even the ones that I fear will be ugly about it. Anyway, I fear that it will scare her quite a bit when and if she discovers that I'm trans. Regardless, I've decided to ask her out as friends. I'm really a little nervous about it because 1.This is uncharted territory for me. 2. I don't pass all the time (I don't want to have that conversation upfront) I think it's important for her to get to know me as a person and a friend before I bust out initiate details about myself. How have you guys dealt with this?

10-12-2011, 04:26 PM	#4
CockyDude Timed Out How Do You Identify?: FTM-man Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him Relationship Status: What is today? Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Midwest Posts: 239 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 151 Thanked 420 Times in 141 Posts Rep Power: 0	Kannon, I have been living as a straight man for over 35 years. Other than this sight, there are less than a handful of people that know I am trans. There are plenty of women whom I dated that don't know. The "reveal" is a delicate situation. For me personally, I don't want people knowing. My family has been supportive of me since my teens, but I don't feel the need for people I won't be involved with long term to know. Because of the type of lifestyle I lead this is just safer for me, in my opinion. Ultimately, only you can make those decisions for yourself within your own comfort zones and mindsets.

10-12-2011, 04:34 PM	#5
kannon Member How Do You Identify?: bloke Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Happy is the heart that believes in angels Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Land of Milk and Honey Posts: 884 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,920 Thanked 2,066 Times in 584 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Thanks Cocky. It really is up to each individual to decide for themselves. I guess I'll play it by ear and wait for the right moment to reveal that part of myself.

10-13-2011, 03:18 AM	#6
J. Mason Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Banned 11/9/2011 - Previously banned member back under new name Preferred Pronoun?: He and His Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: Texas/Oklahoma Posts: 861 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 250 Thanked 741 Times in 361 Posts Rep Power: 0	I agree with Cocky, you have to do what you think is right and comfortable to you. I am upfront about being trans, I believe in honesty and if women run off, well as my friends say often, it's their loss.

10-13-2011, 07:55 PM	#12
EnderD_503 Member How Do You Identify?: Queer, trans guy, butch Preferred Pronoun?: Male pronouns Relationship Status: Relationship Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Canada Posts: 1,329 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,090 Thanked 3,878 Times in 1,022 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I guess it depends if you continue to maintain ties with the lgbtq community/if that's where you're looking for relationships/sex or not, or how you view your own status as a trans person. Personally, I don't see it as something that one would go out of their way to hide from someone unless you might be putting your safety at risk, as it's nothing to be ashamed of. I can understand if someone is strictly living stealth as some choose to and is looking for relationships with straight women rather than queer women. That would make it more difficult, imo, since often straight women don't have the same experiences and are pretty tied to certain rigid worldviews. I guess it all depends on the person you're interested in.