Loving a Transman Isn't Easy

[DapperButch]

The OP did not state whether it is open for FTMs/transguys/others to post. I think that is typically the way we determine if others identities are welcome to post in a particular zone. I think that lettertodaddy needs to come back to say what is her preference. My guess is that she doesn't really have an investment in who posts in this thread, but it would be helpful if she came back and stated it clearly <waving to lettertodaddy>

For ME the way I approach threads that do not state the above is to tread lightly until I see how (in this case) femmes respond to other genders/identifiers posting. If it seems cool (which it has in this thread), then I may post. However, I still tend to feel like I need to "take a backseat" to the gender's/identifier's (in this case femmes) that the thread is in (and it does seem to ME that overall that is happening here...meaning the thread isn't being "taken over" by those who do not identify as femme).

ETA: My second paragarph is similar to what Random posted. I wrote my post prior to reading her post, but that covers mostly what I meant.

Originally Posted by betenoire

So long as the transpeople in question can go ahead and take a backseat since this is the Femme zone.

[The_Lady_Snow]

There are 102 replies to this thread 34 by butches and transmen the rest ate femme or women. That's hardly a take over. I still feel it's ok that some people have come into say that hurtful verbiage is not ok to just skip over. It's not something some people are willing to sweep under the rug, I can express my feelings all I want about the men in my life but certainly not in ugly words & derogatory slurs.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

I guess it hurts more coming from a queer person.

I find this true. The same statement or accusation can come from outside the community and I be fine with it (aka don't get my feathers ruffled by it) or can ignore the person or people saying it but when it comes from within the community, the wounds are far deeper and slower to heal. It truly does hurt more.

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I think it is difficult to have dialogue about anything without varying perspectives and points of view. I always read the differently ID'd zones and I have posted in zones that were not my own identity.

That said, I do wonder if people, in general, do mind that we all, at one time or another, post in zones that we do not ID.

Should we keep some spaces only for those that the zone ID's specifically, in that space? How would it even be policed?

This would be a good poll, I think.

This discussion has come and gone a number of times over the years. I'm not sure if there was ever a definitive decision on it but you are right in that policing it would be a logistical nightmare and not everyone plays nicely or shares well, especially if it's a hot topic.

Originally Posted by Random

How I read Bets post was...

All are welcome, but please remember that this IS in the femme zone. The topic is how partners of transpeople might be conflicted or feel less than positive about their partners transition.

I read it as, please participate but don't make it all about the trans experience from the trans side of it..

I read her that way too.

[betenoire]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

The OP did not state whether it is open for FTMs/transguys/others to post. I think that is typically the way we determine if others identities are welcome to post in a particular zone. I think that lettertodaddy needs to come back to say what is her preference. My guess is that she doesn't really have an investment in who posts in this thread, but it would be helpful if she came back and stated it clearly <waving to lettertodaddy>

Now I'm certainly not trying to answer for anybody who is not me, but the OP -did- thank the post where atomiczombie pointed out that this thread is likely in the femme zone for a reason.

[lettertodaddy]

Originally Posted by betenoire

Now I'm certainly not trying to answer for anybody who is not me, but the OP -did- thank the post where atomiczombie pointed out that this thread is likely in the femme zone for a reason.

Yeah, I can speak for myself.

I thanked atomiczombie for hys post because I appreciated the sensitivity hy showed by realizing that this thread was posted in the Femme Zone, and as such, maybe it would be more appropriate for the discussion to take place among femmes only. I don't agree or disagree, I just wanted to thank hym for recognizing that it might be an issue for some folks.

As for me, this isn't my site, and I'm not interested in policing the thread. If others feel that this thread is best left to femmes only, I trust that they'll take that up with the site admins. I don't have a horse in this race one way or the other.

[lettertodaddy]

I also want to say without appearing flip that the only reason I posted this in the Femme zone was because the article was because it was from the POV of a femme involved with a transman. I don't want it to seem like I did it to exclude other voices or contributions, but that considering the subject and perspective, the Femme Zone seemed like the best place to post it.

[Words]

Blue isn't a transman but Hy's had top surgery and is on T, neither of which would have been possible were it not for Hys regular visits to a London based gender clinic.

The worst part of the whole experience from my point of view (apart from the awful mood swings that I put down to Blue being on the wrong medication)? Receiving a copy of the letter sent by the gender clinic psychologist to O/our family doctor and realizing that the most intimate details of my relationship with Blue in general and O/our sex life in particular were now no longer private. I was angry with the psychologist, I was angry with the system that made sharing the information a necessity, and for a time, yes, I was very resentful of the fact that no one - including Blue - had sought my permission to talk about things that related to my life as much as they related to Blue's (I still question the ethics of this and honestly feel that somewhere along the line, my permission should have been sought.)

Apart from that, no complaints whatsoever (apart from the 'man sweat' socks - those are nasty)

Words

[Quintease]

Originally Posted by Words

The worst part of the whole experience from my point of view. Receiving a copy of the letter sent by the gender clinic psychologist to O/our family doctor and realizing that the most intimate details of my relationship with Blue in general and O/our sex life in particular were now no longer private. I was angry with the psychologist, I was angry with the system that made sharing the information a necessity

My husband and I have been looking into fertility treatment. I didn't realise the moment I told my gynaecologist that my husband was transsexual, we lost our right to privacy. It was awful and I felt violated, receiving copies of the letters she had written regarding our treatment and my husbands transsexuality. It's an endless journey my friend

[DapperButch]

Just an FYI. I didn't realize this thread existed until it just came up to the front page:

http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...read.php?t=976

I haven't read this thread but I hope it is a place that is safe for partners to about their difficulties with their partner transitioning.

[iamkeri1]

Originally Posted by Quintease

My husband and I have been looking into fertility treatment. I didn't realise the moment I told my gynaecologist that my husband was transsexual, we lost our right to privacy. It was awful and I felt violated, receiving copies of the letters she had written regarding our treatment and my husbands transsexuality. It's an endless journey my friend

The worst part of this is that the therapist often exaggerates (on paper)problems in a transpersons life since the more f'd up they are, the more likely they are to get insurance coverage for their transition. This exaggeration is then passed on, possibly endlessly, sending the impression of "malfunction" in the T person's life and relationship ahead of them to any treatment situation. My husband was the most loving, generous, stable, "normal" person you could hope to meet, yet his psych chart made him read like a paycho, LOL.

A piece of advice for those of you seeking fertility assistance. Unless you already have children, INSIST on having tests done to assure your own fertility before you submit to artificial insemination.

The women in my family have had many fertility issues. Two of my Aunts wre unable to conceive at all, My Mother had seven miscarriages and two live births, and the one fertile Aunt had eight live births, but also eight miscarriages. I brought this up with every doctor I saw, and also said I had never become pregnant in my earlier straight life, (short though it was!) NOOOOO! they wouldn't do any fertility tests, even though my periods were irregular and there was not much of a temperature change throughout my cycle. I endured many months of insemination and disappointment and EXPENSE.

Finally the third doctor I worked with agreed to do testing. Turned out both fallopian tubes were fully blocked and there was no possible way I could conceive without surgery. The surgery would produce only a 15% chance of conceiving, with a 50% chance of ectopic pregnancy. The low possible success rate, I could face, but not the ectopc pregnancy. To spend years trying to conceive (there is no way I could describe to you how stressful and emotionally painful this was), only to have to terminate the pregnancy in order to save my own life? No I could not face that. So we took some time to recover emotionally, and then we adopted (out of the foster care system.)

Blessings to all of you, and your partners as well.

Smooches,
Keri