Loving a Transman Isn't Easy

[atomiczombie]

First of all, I want to apologize for posting here since it's the Femme Zone and I am not femme.

Secondly, I want to say to the guys who have posted here: do you not see that this is the femme zone and the OP started the thread here for a reason? I think we should let the femmes have their place to discuss this. Yes, I know the topic is very relevant to us transguys. However, it's not about transguys. It is about femme partners and their feelings. Let the femmes have their space.


Respectfully,


Drew

P.S. You all can flame me now.

[Stacy]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

First of all, I want to apologize for posting here since it's the Femme Zone and I am not femme.

Secondly, I want to say to the guys who have posted here: do you not see that this is the femme zone and the OP started the thread here for a reason? I think we should let the femmes have their place to discuss this. Yes, I know the topic is very relevant to us transguys. However, it's not about transguys. It is about femme partners and their feelings. Let the femmes have their space.


Respectfully,


Drew

P.S. You all can flame me now.

Well if that is the case then it's too bad it was posted here because I think the FTM's and butches that have posted here have added significantly to the conversation. There input would be missed by me. IMHO

[julieisafemme]

Originally Posted by Stacy

Well if that is the case then it's too bad it was posted here because I think the FTM's and butches that have posted here have added significantly to the conversation. There input would be missed by me. IMHO

I agree Stacy. The conversation is definitely going to be different here in a public forum but as I said before I am ok having it with the input of transmen.

[betenoire]

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

I agree Stacy. The conversation is definitely going to be different here in a public forum but as I said before I am ok having it with the input of transmen.

So long as the transpeople in question can go ahead and take a backseat since this is the Femme zone.

[SelfMadeMan]

Well, the way I see it, the partners here - who are so seldomly supported as they transition with their FTM partners - might benefit from seeing that there are transmen who do realize that there's a serious communication wall. I would be the first to leave if it were made clear that our input wasn't wanted here - but I feel it speaks to the fact that some of us have grown to realize that we've been ignorant in the past to our partners transition. I didn't come in here to interrupt the conversation or take it over, but to say, this is a serious issue that I've been guilty of contributing to, but have learned to listen to. When a lot of these women are accused of being transphobic for having issues with their partner's transition, I think it helps to have transguys step up and have their backs. That's all.

[julieisafemme]

Originally Posted by betenoire

So long as the transpeople in question can go ahead and take a backseat since this is the Femme zone.

For you yes. For me I have no expectations of this being a private space to have a conversation. As long as those participating are respectful then I am ok with it. I don't expect anyone to take a backseat.

[Random]

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

For you yes. For me I have no expectations of this being a private space to have a conversation. As long as those participating are respectful then I am ok with it. I don't expect anyone to take a backseat.

How I read Bets post was...

All are welcome, but please remember that this IS in the femme zone. The topic is how partners of transpeople might be conflicted or feel less than positive about their partners transition.

I read it as, please participate but don't make it all about the trans experience from the trans side of it..

[DapperButch]

The OP did not state whether it is open for FTMs/transguys/others to post. I think that is typically the way we determine if others identities are welcome to post in a particular zone. I think that lettertodaddy needs to come back to say what is her preference. My guess is that she doesn't really have an investment in who posts in this thread, but it would be helpful if she came back and stated it clearly <waving to lettertodaddy>

For ME the way I approach threads that do not state the above is to tread lightly until I see how (in this case) femmes respond to other genders/identifiers posting. If it seems cool (which it has in this thread), then I may post. However, I still tend to feel like I need to "take a backseat" to the gender's/identifier's (in this case femmes) that the thread is in (and it does seem to ME that overall that is happening here...meaning the thread isn't being "taken over" by those who do not identify as femme).

ETA: My second paragarph is similar to what Random posted. I wrote my post prior to reading her post, but that covers mostly what I meant.

Originally Posted by betenoire

So long as the transpeople in question can go ahead and take a backseat since this is the Femme zone.

[The_Lady_Snow]

There are 102 replies to this thread 34 by butches and transmen the rest ate femme or women. That's hardly a take over. I still feel it's ok that some people have come into say that hurtful verbiage is not ok to just skip over. It's not something some people are willing to sweep under the rug, I can express my feelings all I want about the men in my life but certainly not in ugly words & derogatory slurs.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

I guess it hurts more coming from a queer person.

I find this true. The same statement or accusation can come from outside the community and I be fine with it (aka don't get my feathers ruffled by it) or can ignore the person or people saying it but when it comes from within the community, the wounds are far deeper and slower to heal. It truly does hurt more.

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I think it is difficult to have dialogue about anything without varying perspectives and points of view. I always read the differently ID'd zones and I have posted in zones that were not my own identity.

That said, I do wonder if people, in general, do mind that we all, at one time or another, post in zones that we do not ID.

Should we keep some spaces only for those that the zone ID's specifically, in that space? How would it even be policed?

This would be a good poll, I think.

This discussion has come and gone a number of times over the years. I'm not sure if there was ever a definitive decision on it but you are right in that policing it would be a logistical nightmare and not everyone plays nicely or shares well, especially if it's a hot topic.

Originally Posted by Random

How I read Bets post was...

All are welcome, but please remember that this IS in the femme zone. The topic is how partners of transpeople might be conflicted or feel less than positive about their partners transition.

I read it as, please participate but don't make it all about the trans experience from the trans side of it..

I read her that way too.

[betenoire]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

The OP did not state whether it is open for FTMs/transguys/others to post. I think that is typically the way we determine if others identities are welcome to post in a particular zone. I think that lettertodaddy needs to come back to say what is her preference. My guess is that she doesn't really have an investment in who posts in this thread, but it would be helpful if she came back and stated it clearly <waving to lettertodaddy>

Now I'm certainly not trying to answer for anybody who is not me, but the OP -did- thank the post where atomiczombie pointed out that this thread is likely in the femme zone for a reason.

[lettertodaddy]

Originally Posted by betenoire

Now I'm certainly not trying to answer for anybody who is not me, but the OP -did- thank the post where atomiczombie pointed out that this thread is likely in the femme zone for a reason.

Yeah, I can speak for myself.

I thanked atomiczombie for hys post because I appreciated the sensitivity hy showed by realizing that this thread was posted in the Femme Zone, and as such, maybe it would be more appropriate for the discussion to take place among femmes only. I don't agree or disagree, I just wanted to thank hym for recognizing that it might be an issue for some folks.

As for me, this isn't my site, and I'm not interested in policing the thread. If others feel that this thread is best left to femmes only, I trust that they'll take that up with the site admins. I don't have a horse in this race one way or the other.

[Stacy]

Originally Posted by Stacy

Well if that is the case then it's too bad it was posted here because I think the FTM's and butches that have posted here have added significantly to the conversation. There input would be missed by me. IMHO

Boy do I hate sleepy typos.

[Martina]

i liked the article. While she should not have used that phrase, i don't like dismissing the article for that reason or making the discussion all about that.

What she was referring to is the cheerleading that goes on -- and the expectation of it. i think that someone struggling with a partner or family member's changes should not be burdened with expectations that they have to respond positively or else be considered a bad partner or family member.

They get to feel what they feel. In public, in a newspaper, yes, i would expect people to choose their words more wisely. But i get resenting the folks who expect one to only have positive feelings or feel guilty if not. A lot of that used to go on.

[SecretAgentMa'am]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

First of all, I want to apologize for posting here since it's the Femme Zone and I am not femme.

Secondly, I want to say to the guys who have posted here: do you not see that this is the femme zone and the OP started the thread here for a reason? I think we should let the femmes have their place to discuss this. Yes, I know the topic is very relevant to us transguys. However, it's not about transguys. It is about femme partners and their feelings. Let the femmes have their space.


Respectfully,


Drew

P.S. You all can flame me now.

No flames from me. I absolutely appreciate your saying this.