Loving a Transman Isn't Easy

Soon · 10-23-2011, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by betenoire

And I've got news for you: there really is a culture of shame around our honest feelings about our partners. i've been on message boards, email lists, newsgroups, and in-person "SOFFA" groups and not once have I seen an environment where it's not okay for us to not be 100% okay. I'm not talking about transpeople creating a hostile environment for partners who have misgivings - I'm talking about us doing it to each other.

Just snipped part of what I need to address.

I, too, had a poor experience on a SOFFA group.

I expressed some concerns/anxieties and out of hundreds of members maybe two responded and I didn't feel very supported.

Also, there were transfolks that posted in the SOFFA group. I didn't feel comfortable with that b/c I wanted to share my personal thoughts/feelings about this experience, and I felt I had to censor myself b/c I might hurt someone's feelings.

If it is a group for SOFFA's why do I have to worry about what the transfolks thought of my thoughts? Then again, reading the past posts from the SOFFA partners, I also noticed there seemed to be an emphasis on how we can SUPPORT and cheerlead our partner's transition and not enough concern for the non-transitioning partner.

julieisafemme · 10-23-2011, 12:35 PM

I am so sorry to hear that so many people have had bad experiences in these groups. The group I attended was a facilitated group led by a therapist. It was small and you had to pay. We met once a month. There were only non- trans partners allowed. I would not want to participate in an online support group. I have too much trouble figuring things out and would surely say something that would piss people off. That does not happen in person. The group I was in was the only one like it. I have participated in other non-facilitated support groups before for OCD and those did not go well for me. I think maybe sometimes it helps to have a facilitator in difficult conversations. I am so sorry that so many other partners have experienced this.

Soon · 10-23-2011, 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

I am so sorry to hear that so many people have had bad experiences in these groups. The group I attended was a facilitated group led by a therapist. It was small and you had to pay. We met once a month. There were only non- trans partners allowed. I would not want to participate in an online support group. I have too much trouble figuring things out and would surely say something that would piss people off. That does not happen in person. The group I was in was the only one like it. I have participated in other non-facilitated support groups before for OCD and those did not go well for me. I think maybe sometimes it helps to have a facilitator in difficult conversations. I am so sorry that so many other partners have experienced this.

I am glad you found a group to attend in real life and with a therapist--you are lucky.

I think it is safe to assume that most of us live in areas where we, unfortunately, don't have access to such groups and the only resources/forums are online.

I'm envious that you live in a area that is progressive and has multiple options for those who are trans and their partners, but, of course, also happy for you in that you have such resources that work for you.

julieisafemme · 10-23-2011, 09:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

I am glad you found a group to attend in real life and with a therapist--you are lucky.

I think it is safe to assume that most of us live in areas where we, unfortunately, don't have access to such groups and the only resources/forums are online.

I'm envious that you live in a area that is progressive and has multiple options for those who are trans and their partners, but, of course, also happy for you in that you have such resources that work for you.

I live in an area with lots of resources for transpeople. That does not seem to translate to partners! The way I found about this group was by meeting the therapist in Seattle when we went to Gender Odyssey. She is married to a Transman who is not out. So I think even here there are not multiple options for partners. That seems crazy to me and that is why I am focused on partners speaking up and creating what we need. The group I was in was small too. It seems like there must be more partners who would want to be in it.

Anyone who is interested in the therapists name and e-mail. She might be able to suggest someone or some place in other areas.

I am really upset to hear that so many groups allow transpeople in them. That makes it impossible to have an honest conversation. Partners need a space with other partners. Period. There is nothing transphobic about that.

Quintease · 11-26-2011, 05:39 AM

I've just had a thought.

There are FTM groups all over Facebook, my husband is on about 3 of them. Are there equivalent ones for partners on Facebook? Should there be? If not, why not?

Should we start one?

Linus · 11-26-2011, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quintease

I've just had a thought.

There are FTM groups all over Facebook, my husband is on about 3 of them. Are there equivalent ones for partners on Facebook? Should there be? If not, why not?

Should we start one?

There are some "SOFFA" groups out there (here's one I found, not sure how good: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=190034887698 ).

It may be worthwhile to create one that's for partners/family of transmen, specifically those within the BF community.

Quintease · 10-23-2011, 12:54 PM

All of the above explains a lot.

When we first got together my husband and I tried to find a support group for me to join, but nothing. Ironically that search eventually led me here.

I did wonder why there wasn't a single support group when actually I know quite a few lesbians in relationships with transguys, both there from pre and post transition. It makes sense that groups fail to survive if they initially fail to provide a safe space.

Then again, is it the spaces or the partners themselves that are at fault? I know through personal experience that an FTM partner could potentially be the one to stab me in the back if she felt I was expressing an 'unacceptable' opinion.

Nor would I be likely to join a support group which granted my husband access. It should be an outlet for me to vent, free from the fear of hurting my relationship or his feelings.

I may just stick to writing down my thoughts and feelings here, tempered in the knowledge that all of my words are public property.

11-26-2011, 05:39 AM	#5
Quintease Member How Do You Identify?: Rainbow femme Preferred Pronoun?: princess Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 514 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 508 Thanked 1,817 Times in 417 Posts Rep Power: 10560327	I've just had a thought. There are FTM groups all over Facebook, my husband is on about 3 of them. Are there equivalent ones for partners on Facebook? Should there be? If not, why not? Should we start one? __________________ It is not worth an intelligent person's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.

10-23-2011, 12:54 PM	#7
Quintease Member How Do You Identify?: Rainbow femme Preferred Pronoun?: princess Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 514 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 508 Thanked 1,817 Times in 417 Posts Rep Power: 10560327	All of the above explains a lot. When we first got together my husband and I tried to find a support group for me to join, but nothing. Ironically that search eventually led me here. I did wonder why there wasn't a single support group when actually I know quite a few lesbians in relationships with transguys, both there from pre and post transition. It makes sense that groups fail to survive if they initially fail to provide a safe space. Then again, is it the spaces or the partners themselves that are at fault? I know through personal experience that an FTM partner could potentially be the one to stab me in the back if she felt I was expressing an 'unacceptable' opinion. Nor would I be likely to join a support group which granted my husband access. It should be an outlet for me to vent, free from the fear of hurting my relationship or his feelings. I may just stick to writing down my thoughts and feelings here, tempered in the knowledge that all of my words are public property. __________________ It is not worth an intelligent person's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.

10-23-2011, 12:35 PM	#2
julieisafemme Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Woman Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Married to Greyson Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: In the present Posts: 828 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,156 Thanked 3,434 Times in 660 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I am so sorry to hear that so many people have had bad experiences in these groups. The group I attended was a facilitated group led by a therapist. It was small and you had to pay. We met once a month. There were only non- trans partners allowed. I would not want to participate in an online support group. I have too much trouble figuring things out and would surely say something that would piss people off. That does not happen in person. The group I was in was the only one like it. I have participated in other non-facilitated support groups before for OCD and those did not go well for me. I think maybe sometimes it helps to have a facilitator in difficult conversations. I am so sorry that so many other partners have experienced this.