PTSD and Trauma recovery

[SoNotHer]

Beautifully said. Some times, Nat, the only thing it seems we can do is love our best in a state of dark silence and to know that the things unsaid, or perhaps the unsaying of them, is the most we can muster - especially when our hearts are like a palimpsest that testifies to a many-layered pain.

Here's to the well-deserved peace that awaits us.

Originally Posted by Nat

... Love is a hard thing when it's the kind that comes with scars well-formed.

I have learned to turn away from thoughts that cause me to relive the realities that formed my demons. I have figured out that deeper digging retraumatizes and re-wounds. It makes the groove deeper. But sometimes having a deep-down honest conversation about the history we share and the history we don't seems so necessary. But I'm tired of openin up old wounds.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Nat

It was an important discussion I had with my mom last night. I think it was anyway. Talking about the underbelly of our family. The secrets in the complicated family dynamic as those who have wounded most have become increasingly frail and in need of care. Looking at the most horrible behaviors and how they affected us all either directly or indirectly or both. It was a good conversation - the two of us satellites of an elderly predator and another who was first prey and then preyed on us in different ways. It's like trying to put mismatched puzzle-pieces together. There are no answers I can see.

The hardest thing is that these were the men I've loved the most, depended on the most. And now they both are facing mortality indifferent ways. I love them both and so does she. Love is a hard thing when it's the kind that comes with scars well-formed.

I have learned to turn away from thoughts that cause me to relive the realities that formed my demons. I have figured out that deeper digging retraumatizes and re-wounds. It makes the groove deeper. But sometimes having a deep-down honest conversation about the history we share and the history we don't seems so necessary. But I'm tired of openin up old wounds.

Originally Posted by SoNotHer

Beautifully said. Some times, Nat, the only thing it seems we can do is love our best in a state of dark silence and to know that the things unsaid, or perhaps the unsaying of them, is the most we can muster - especially when our hearts are like a palimpsest that testifies to a many-layered pain.

Here's to the well-deserved peace that awaits us.

I so get that. The person in my family died 2 years ago and I still struggle to believe he is gone sometimes.

Anything to do with him is very triggery for me.

In trying to find forgiveness I am coming to the realization that the less I delve deeply, the less I flip out. That forgiveness is giving up the hope that my past will change and that really what matters is being present and in the current moment.

That really does not help navigating how to deal with the abusers now I know, but something you all said really resonates...the digging too deep so many times makes it hurt even more.

I always thought that digging really deeply would heal me, but it hasn't.

[Lazy Daze]

What a great thread, and I don't know how I didn't see it until now

I have PTSD from a single event. I was severely beaten by a person I was in a relationship with and literally left for dead. I am coming up on my 12th year anniversary of surviving this event on Thanksgiving, and there is not a year that doesn't go by that I don't find myself in a"slump" during this holiday. I too have triggers, and with a lot of support and resources, I am able to identify Most of mine. As most of you feel, I am ashamed and feel an overly amount of guilt about what happened. No matter how much I "prepare" myself for the upcoming holiday and remind myself that it is the past, I still feel hopeless and helpless when the time arrives. As apocalipstic has endured, I too, will be broke out in hives before all is said and done.

I have become stronger with time. Having given myself a confidence booster with my profession, teaching myself that I truly am a strong woman. But one thing is for sure, it never will go away. I am blessed with an amazing partner who understands what I have been through and has given me the unconditional love and support to help me get stronger each and every day.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Lazy Daze

What a great thread, and I don't know how I didn't see it until now

I have PTSD from a single event. I was severely beaten by a person I was in a relationship with and literally left for dead. I am coming up on my 12th year anniversary of surviving this event on Thanksgiving, and there is not a year that doesn't go by that I don't find myself in a"slump" during this holiday. I too have triggers, and with a lot of support and resources, I am able to identify Most of mine. As most of you feel, I am ashamed and feel an overly amount of guilt about what happened. No matter how much I "prepare" myself for the upcoming holiday and remind myself that it is the past, I still feel hopeless and helpless when the time arrives. As apocalipstic has endured, I too, will be broke out in hives before all is said and done.

I have become stronger with time. Having given myself a confidence booster with my profession, teaching myself that I truly am a strong woman. But one thing is for sure, it never will go away. I am blessed with an amazing partner who understands what I have been through and has given me the unconditional love and support to help me get stronger each and every day.

Holidays are so hard. I will be thinking about you!

The hives are the worst, especially when they wont go away for days. Miserable and frightening!

I hope I never have them again. I hope nothing ever triggers me to that extent again, or you either!

[Apocalipstic]

So I went to therapy and while we agree I am doing incredibly better, we discussed triggers.

I have really been working on forgiveness and moving on with my life, but I get held up when I tell myself I have forgiven something and let it go, yet my body still reacts. I hate that. I hate that I don't have more control that I can't fiiiinally decide to let something go and it just be gone. You know?

My body still has PTSD and always will. Whatever my brain decides, my body reacts differently.

[Apocalipstic]

So in moving forward and getting better there are always glitches that bring everything back. Things that trigger and I am right back where I started. No, not as extreme...but jumpy and hyper vigilant.

I hate that.

[Morgan]

I am really not sure if it is PTSD, but after spending a year in Iraq I have noticed that loud noises make jump a lot more. Certain sounds or alarms cause me to become anxious and hyper vigialant. If anyone is sleeping next to me and touches me while I am trying to fall asleep, I will jump up and yell out. Unsure what has caused this, but I have had to warn people that I have been involved with what to expect, so that I do not scare them. I have learned to live with these feelings....and really have not shared very much about it.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Morgan

I am really not sure if it is PTSD, but after spending a year in Iraq I have noticed that loud noises make jump a lot more. Certain sounds or alarms cause me to become anxious and hyper vigialant. If anyone is sleeping next to me and touches me while I am trying to fall asleep, I will jump up and yell out. Unsure what has caused this, but I have had to warn people that I have been involved with what to expect, so that I do not scare them. I have learned to live with these feelings....and really have not shared very much about it.

Im not a doc...but in learning to survive in a war zone you picked up coping skills like beinh hyper vigilant....back home, at the grocery...not so good. Read up on PTsd

[Toughy]

Originally Posted by Morgan

I am really not sure if it is PTSD, but after spending a year in Iraq I have noticed that loud noises make jump a lot more. Certain sounds or alarms cause me to become anxious and hyper vigialant. If anyone is sleeping next to me and touches me while I am trying to fall asleep, I will jump up and yell out. Unsure what has caused this, but I have had to warn people that I have been involved with what to expect, so that I do not scare them. I have learned to live with these feelings....and really have not shared very much about it.

The VA has a number of programs for returning veterans from Iraq/Afghanistan. Please go to a VA and check out what is available to you. You live in SoCal and there are several VA Medical Centers down there.

Go to www.va.gov

As a vet I thank you for your service. Now go and take care of yourself. It's the most important thing you can do. PM me anytime and I will be glad to talk to you. There are several of us vets on this website and any of us are here to lend an ear anytime.

edited to add: you can also go to the Vet Center in your area for help in accessing services. Info is available at the va.gov website.