I feel guilt about losing weight thread

[Apocalipstic]

I just wanted to give some insight from a fat person, as to why someone might not be supportive of your weight loss.

Sometimes people losing weight are riddled which shame about their size and talk about that shame non-stop and cut themselves down and beat themselves up about their weight. This is difficult to listen to.

Sometimes when people are losing weight, every conversation, often in nice restaurants is of how many hours they exercize and how much they do not eat...etc.

I don't think anyone should feel guilty for losing weight, but if you want to keep your friends, maybe make sure they know you are still THEIR friend. When you talk about your shame, it shames them too. Maybe choose activities away from food, so every word is not about you and your diet.

Guilt helps no one, but being a good friend does!

[Soft*Silver]

Apocalipstic, those are excellent points! In my everyday life, I had to grow a consciousness about how much I talked about the changes happening to me. I caught myself quite a few times, sounding like someone I use to loathe when I was heavier, the person whose life is consumed by their diet. I groaned about not being able to eat foods I loved. I thought they would commiserate with me. Not all the time. Sometimes, it made them feel bad when they wanted to eat those foods! So yes, I get that totally! And have become conscious about it and am careful with their feelings too.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Miss_Tia

Apocalipstic, those are excellent points! In my everyday life, I had to grow a consciousness about how much I talked about the changes happening to me. I caught myself quite a few times, sounding like someone I use to loathe when I was heavier, the person whose life is consumed by their diet. I groaned about not being able to eat foods I loved. I thought they would commiserate with me. Not all the time. Sometimes, it made them feel bad when they wanted to eat those foods! So yes, I get that totally! And have become conscious about it and am careful with their feelings too.

I would go shopping with ya!

[Soft*Silver]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I would go shopping with ya!

I wish you could! But right now, no pennies for shopping anyway! Maybe we can "shop" together at the femme clothing give away at the reunion next year...!!!!

[Passionaria]

Over the past year I have lost quite a bit of weight, not really consciously trying to, but my appetite has changed. For me it's a huge relief to be letting go of what I will call emotional eating. Food has at times been my drug of choice, and I LOVE to cook.

I also have food allergies. I have learned that every time I eat something I am allergic to (wheat and eggs), I have a hystamine reaction, which causes me to puff up. If I do this on a daily basis or even several times a week, I will just keep "puffing up". When I avoid these foods religiously, I deflate, lol. These being such a big part of the American diet, makes it hard to cook and eat with others, because I feel like I'm being a pain in the butt, or difficult. But the consequences of eating them is worse. So I do feel guilty at times when I am in a situation where these foods are all that are offered or available. I have learned to just say I'm not hungry, or pick at something that I can eat, but I do feel like I'm being a pain.

I have also started working out, and swam all summer. Just a bit of getting out and moving seems to make a huge difference for me. My goal is Salsa Dancing, so I am trying to get my stamina and muscle tone up enough that I can spend an evening on the dance floor. That is my gift to myself. And fitting in my Victoria's Secrets wardrobe .

Last weekend I went to a wedding, and all of the clothes I tried on, fell off me, I was shocked. Then panicked because what's a girl going to wear? lol.

OK I'm going to be totally honest here: So addressing the question of guilt. I do notice that my slimming body makes some people uncomfortable. They could not even compliment me. Even tried to talk me into eating more, like my lack of raging appetite and careful food choices, were symptomatic of emotional problems, or self denial. On the flip side, these people and I had an unspoken agreement about overeating together, and using food to make us feel good. SO me changing made them feel uncomfortable. Honestly, it kind of pissed me off, because I felt like they wanted to sabotage me, because they were comfortable with me being heavy, as it gave them permission to overeat. And it is not an agreement I want to have with myself or them anymore, and they feel a loss. And for a minute I did entertain my lack of appetite may not be good, but my body feels so much better when I eat light.

I do also notice that I feel a bit apologetic when I tell people who I know want to loose weight, that I am on the road being a healthier, lighter me. Not because I think their being big is bad, but because it changes the dynamics between us on some unspoken level. And I think it might make them feel bad. All I know is that it has taken me a very long time to understand what my body really needs, and that I can find joy in other ways than indulging my palate, and it feels like coming home to "ME".

[Rockinonahigh]

Ive read true parts of this so in one way or the other I havebeen in nearly every situation that u all have been.Me becomeing 303 pounds was a person screaming for help with problems that had nothing to do with food other than I used it for my choice of drug to deal with what I was going thrue in my life,I was also smokeing two to three packs of ciggies a day wich nearly cooked my lungs.Over a series of things my life became less complicated in one way more so in others,after a time I finaly could step back and look at my life where it was and where I wanted it to be.So I made the desision to change my life andhow I lived it.
Now comeing from where I am now I have lost some friends cause I quit smokeing,I was told I wasnt any fun any more cause it was a drag to have to be careful of smokeing if I was with the group...so I left the so called friends I thought I had..it hurt to hear the comments but im in a better place cause I am not there any more.Then I finaly took my docs advise,got some counseling,finaly got a good check up wich I had been avoiding at any cost,then thay caught the diabetis...weighing 303 was bad enough but diabetis...holly crapola...no way not me.So I wised up and got with the program.NOw at 245 and still doing what I need to do im still takeing hits from ppl who say even at my goal weight of 200 on my 5' 5" frame isnt enough..screw them is what I say caue I dont need them being neggative because im geting imy life and health in order.
All of us who are wanting to be healthy will hear stuff we would rather not hear from people who just dont get it nor will they ever,is it because they wish they had the nuts to take charge of life and hit the head on or is it caeause they cant deal with us being something something they arent and will pay for it in the end cause of bad choices.

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I just wanted to give some insight from a fat person, as to why someone might not be supportive of your weight loss.

Sometimes people losing weight are riddled which shame about their size and talk about that shame non-stop and cut themselves down and beat themselves up about their weight. This is difficult to listen to.

Sometimes when people are losing weight, every conversation, often in nice restaurants is of how many hours they exercize and how much they do not eat...etc.

I don't think anyone should feel guilty for losing weight, but if you want to keep your friends, maybe make sure they know you are still THEIR friend. When you talk about your shame, it shames them too. Maybe choose activities away from food, so every word is not about you and your diet.

Guilt helps no one, but being a good friend does!

Excellent advice, Apocalipstic! Points I haven't ever considered, so thank you! <3

[*Anya*]

One issue I did not address was the talking about weight. I never talked about it when I was fat. I never, ever wanted to call attention to it, as though if I did not mention it-no one would notice.

Conversely, I was and still am so acutely aware of the tremendous struggle it is for most of us to lose weight, I am very sensitive to those around me and their own journey-regardless if they are losing or not; I never talk about it other than the appropriate threads here on the Planet.

If people at work ask me about it, as they knew/know me, both before and after, I simply answer the question asked of me-otherwise I do not mention anything about it.

No guilt, I just try to be sensitive and respectful of those around me. No one likes braggarts.

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I just wanted to give some insight from a fat person, as to why someone might not be supportive of your weight loss.

Sometimes people losing weight are riddled which shame about their size and talk about that shame non-stop and cut themselves down and beat themselves up about their weight. This is difficult to listen to.

Sometimes when people are losing weight, every conversation, often in nice restaurants is of how many hours they exercize and how much they do not eat...etc.

I don't think anyone should feel guilty for losing weight, but if you want to keep your friends, maybe make sure they know you are still THEIR friend. When you talk about your shame, it shames them too. Maybe choose activities away from food, so every word is not about you and your diet.

Guilt helps no one, but being a good friend does!

Thank for this- this is such a sensitive area to talk about. Shame is key- so very key. Even as a kid and really not being fat then, but a whole bigger than what girls "should" be, plus being athletic, I just felt shame- general size shame. It is so dam interwoven in US society and physical appearance.

I don't talk "diet"- if I do speak of food, it is about a food plan that I can live with and only if I am asked about how I have learned to eat better. I also know that my weight issues are addictive (I have battled smoking forever also) in nature and that I really had an undiagnosed eating disorder for years. To be honest, I look at my weight in terms of balance in my life now. I know I have a not so healthy relationship with food and emotional triggers. I will get kind of crazy when I gain some weight and that bothers me because I don't honestly feel that I have achieved (even at the age of 60 and a background as a therapist) non-distortion about weight and size. I still do not see myself as at a good weight for my "structure" and age even though I am. That distortion is from this fat-phobic society, yet, I want us all to address weight if it is hurting us health-wise. But I really don't think there is much conscious awareness of all of the variables involved in being obese (new data out on child-sex abuse and weight gain).

Something else that comes up for me is that I certainly know many "heavy" people that are quite active and do not have high BP, etc. at all. They are not obese and frankly I don't view as "heavy" because that is connected to the sizeism that feeds body image distortion.

On the other hand, I have lost a couple of friends due to obesity in my life- they died, one in her sleep that would not get treatment for sleep apnea.