A question for the Femmes

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

Hi ladies,

I need some advice. I hope this is ok to ask.

I have recently been contemplating dating again. My therapist and some friends and family have all encouraged me to do so. For a long while I was unwilling to even think about it because I have a panic disorder and PTSD for which I am on disability and frankly what I get from my SSI checks every month is paltry. I haven't felt that I am emotionally stable enough to date because of my panic attacks, and not good date/relationship material because I can't work and am basically poor.

That said, I do have a lot going for me in other ways. I am a very kind, compassionate guy. I am have a big heart. I am well mannered, charming, sweet, and I love to goof around. I love to read and learn new things every day. I work on my issues and deal with them honestly. Even though I don't have a lot of money for expensive dates, I do lavish my dates with attention and care. Many people in my life tell me to go out and date again.

That all being said, I recently took a big risk and asked a Femme friend of mine for a date. She rejected me, and the reasons basically have to do with my lack of emotional stability and the fact that I am not financially secure and stable. Man, does that take the wind out of my sails!

So my question is this: Should I even try? Is my PTSD and panic disorder, and my being on disability something that makes me a potentially bad date/partner? Some help and advice would be nice before I decide to really put myself out there again.


Thanks ladies!


Drew

Congratulations on taking that first step, Drew!

I have to concur with those who suggest making sure that YOU are ready to move back into the world of dating. It's a crazy world and one that seems to be like a game of double dutch, that seems to fly by and where you have to try to find the perfect moment to slip in.

I also have to piggyback onto what Scoobs said that her 'no' had absolutely nothing to do with you. For whatever reason, whether it's what she told you or not, she didn't feel fully comfortable but that's a reflection of her and not you.

No biggie.

As many have said, we all have our issues. The thing we need to concentrate on is not how others are managing their issues, but how we manage our own.

Personally, I'd be open to meeting a partner that had bushfuls of money. Why? Because I like it and because money does equal security for me, but that goes back to my childhood and being hungry and homeless with my mom. Again, MY stuff. Not yours or anyone else's. Does that mean that I only look for the thickness of a guy's wallet? No. Because a guy who makes a million a year can live beyond his means just like a guy making minimum wage. It's how you manage it that counts.

My mom was paranoid schizophrenic and a former partner of mine had a variety of mental conditions, including PTSD. More than once, I awoke to her choking me, thinking I was an enemy. Again, MY stuff. Does that mean that I would never date anyone with an acknowledged condition? Nope. Now, if I recognized behaviors and symptoms in someone and they denied it or refused to accept it or to receive medical confirmation, that would wave a whole parade of red flags for me and make the answer a very easy 'thank you but no thank you'. Does it mean that I might give it a good, long thought if I went on a couple of dates with someone and I really started to like them (back to the acknowledged conditions)? Yes. I would have to measure that 'like' that I felt against my past experiences and my own personal fears. If that case came about, I have no idea what I would do. It's one of those 'have to be there' kind of things, I think.

We all have our stuff and our fears and that is what will keep others from proceeding with you. Their fears. Fear tends to keep us safe but it can make you miss out on a lot of awesome experiences and wonderful people too.

If you are up for it, I say keep sticking your toe in the water. You're a great guy! Eventually, I think you'll get a nibble.

[SuddenlyWestFemme]

Originally Posted by Gemme

My mom was paranoid schizophrenic and a former partner of mine had a variety of mental conditions, including PTSD. More than once, I awoke to her choking me, thinking I was an enemy. Again, MY stuff.

I don't mean to change the subject as I completely agree with what you said Gemme in so many ways. But I'd love if you'd explain what you meant by your waking up being choked because your partner thought you were the enemy as being 'your stuff.' I'm sure I'm misunderstanding. It sounds a bit like you are saying that it is your stuff that you were being abused (even if it was not intentional abuse and came from PTSD, being choked is being abused and it doesn't seem like it could be 'your stuff' even if it wasn't your partners fault. Can you clarify?

Of course, you may have meant it gave you some stuff after the relationship was over. Or because of your mom, you had issues and couldn't stay? I'm not sure and I'd love to hear more if it doesn't end up changing the topic.

And back on topic - getting to know someone is the best way to find out if their issues (as has been mentioned - we all have issues - lol) mesh with your issues. So don't worry about the having 'issues' part. And being friends first is really sound advice. It gives you time to see how you interact without all the baggage and insecurity that sometimes surrounds dating. And rejection by a friend just seems so much more pleasant (although still a bummer). But friends first is no guarantee either. I do admit that some of my friends would be lousy matches for me and yet are great friends.

[SweetJane]

Friends first as Scubadyke and others have echoed is great. But even that will take commitment on both of your parts to make contact, be honest in your communications, and do all those things to make a friendship work. Building trust and feeling safe in a friendship are just as important in a relationship---maybe more so because your friends remain with you longer than your lovers.

[atomiczombie]

The person who I asked if I could date her, she is someone I have been friends with for over 5 years.

[Soft*Silver]

I have a severe case of PTSD, have had panic attacks, relapsed a few years ago after 20 year of sobriety, and have multiple medical problems and health care needs. I was so poor I lived on $115 a month from welfare for over 2 years before I finally got on SSDI. Even now, I am dependent on family and a very very small handful of friends who help me get by. Had it not been for them, I would literally be living under a bridge in a cardboard box. I had a series of relationships that rocked whatever stability I did have and then an accident that took me all the way down. Not exactly datable material and I knew it. The fact that I knew it meant I was getting WAY better. The self preservation I was establishing so that I wouldnt put myself in harms way was significant. I am capable of love but just wont do it because one mistake by the other person could set off my PTSD and god help them....it wont be good. I have extracted myself from potential relationships because I DO love the people. Its how I love them. To not hurt them. And at this stage of my life, thats all that could come of this...

in saying this, I am saying that all the advice about knowing yourself and where you are in your healing and life journey is the key. If you are ready, you are ready. But I caution you to also know what you want too. Do you want to date or are you looking for a relationship? Because I think too many people set out wanting to do the latter and say they want the former. Thats bad news because its based in denial. You might be ready to date but not ready for a relationship. think some on it.

as for money, (and I shook my head over this as I read your words), I have dated the uppercrust and the indigent. I got treated like shit by the one with the most money and some of my relationships were with people who got food stamps. Which i do, by the way. I refuse to carry shame around about my financial stability. I am so broken I cant work, both mentally and physically. If you think not giving me food stamps to survive will pad your pockets more, good for you. Hope this never happens to you...

[atomiczombie]

Thank you everyone for your input and encouragement. It has given me a lot to think about. Having had some time to reflect on this latest rejection has made me realize something. The right woman for me will be interested in dating me because of who I am and not what I am. The girl I asked to date, she makes a good bit of money. But I would have still asked her out if she was homeless and living in her car. It's because of who she is that I love her, not her money, or house or car or her 401k. That's the difference, I guess.

I am making a lot of progress with my PTSD and panic disorder. My panic attacks are not something that result in me hurting or lashing out at anyone else. It's more like I curl up into a ball and shake and cry uncontrollably. The things that trigger it are loud noises, large crowds and the smell of smoke, although occasionally I get an attack and have no idea what it was that set me off. But this is something that is getting better. My agoraphobia is getting a lot better. I am getting out of the house more to see friends, with whom I feel safe. My depression has lifted and I am feeling optimistic about my future. I have occasional set backs, but the general trend has been encouraging.

I am ready to date I believe. As for a relationship, I am someone who takes a long time to decide if I want to take that step with someone. I will date a girl for months and months, even a year before I will consider a commitment. I believe it takes time to get to know someone and you have to spend time with them in various contexts before you can know for sure they are the right one. So I am in no hurry to commit. I would like to be further along in my healing process so that I will have more to bring to the table in a relationship anyway.

So there's my thoughts. Thanks everyone, again for your support and feedback!

[Vlasta]

I just finished read your thread . You received a lot of good advice, sincere one and very encouraging . Please , don't give up !!!!!!
Only thing I can add , I am very independent femme and thanks to my career regardless to my written English , I can't care less about the money someone has . I dated people that had no jobs , I support partners in need for whatever reason .
It's so sad to me that in 21 St century it's still such a stigma about a mental disorders by some people . I honestly would like to meet person that has no problems whatsoever . I have been in the medical field for decades and I honestly understand what are you saying . It's hard to start , but don't let discourage you by one femme expectations . There it's someone for you and will be happy for your affection and a good heart .

As I said do not give up , you are ready to date and I wish I could say the same . My last relationship was with someone I knew for over five years and I was thinking we were compatible and it was not a person that many assume from this website , No , it was not that one , but someone I knew for a long time .

If your agoraphobia it's better go out , meet people without expectations . There is a difference from what I need and from I want . Some of us are happy that is this economy we have what we need , I know I am .

I am wishing you the best and find a femme that will appreciated you .

sending you cyber hugs and good luck

Vlasta