How do you communicate when you're angry?

Novelafemme · 01-23-2012, 10:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hollylane

Never go to bed angry......

I used to swear by this, but as I get older and more in touch with the me that happens to process anger/issues/drama differently...I've come to accept that sometimes it's OK to go to bed angry.

When someone roars at me in anger (which really ever happens) I will 99.999% of the time retreat. It triggers old shit in my brain that signals a fight or flight response and only when physically threatened will I fight. My secondary response to being over-stimulated in such a manner is bizarre, but again, it's just me and I've come to accept it. I get very, VERY sleepy. I become like a little newborn who goes to sleep once you step foot into a busy grocery store. My brain just powers down and literally shuts off.

So, when things get heated I have learned that I need a little time and space before my brain can wrap itself around the situation. Otherwise, you'll find me curled up on the floor or in bed sound asleep.

If I get mad, I go for a walk. It always helps.

adorable · 01-26-2012, 12:51 AM

This is such an interesting thread. Anger is one of those things that for me, is not an emotion by itself, rather the combination of other emotions. Usually, based in some sort of fear and combined with something else. If I am angry, really angry, I get quiet. I am one of those people that doesn't act on it. Luckily, it's rare that I ever get angry about something.

No good ever comes from a place of anger. Being heated or upset is a different story. Actual anger is more of a demon where rational thought is lost. The older I get, the more I see everything as choices and feel less need for discussion. Normally, I am likely to say what I'm thinking right at the moment that I feel it. Not always such a great idea generally. In that moment though, it's what I happened to think. In anger, that would be the worst thing to ever do. There are times that not speaking is far better than talking things through. And I'm fond of just letting things go. Sometimes, you both just really had a bad day and it wasn't more or less or something to be read into.

When I feel the need to talk things through, because I like to analyze behavior, I generally need to cut that out. lol. No matter what I'm feeling, the best thing for me is to get quiet and sort myself out internally. When I am attempting (in a relationship) to get another person to talk to me, it's usually because I want to hear what they're thinking and change it to suit me. It's a control issue, not a discussion. One that keeps the focus off of me, where it should be. I spent several years with someone who was unable (which is different than unwilling) to discuss or process feelings at all. What I discovered was that it didn't matter. Honestly, how we feel at one moment can be entirely different then how we are going to feel tomorrow at the exact same time. Sleep alone changes things. I usually know (thank you therapy) immediately what I'm feeling and the best way for ME to process that. Everyone is different. My thinking that people process like I do isn't fair or true.

Anger is also fleeting. A feeling that passes, like all other feelings, AS LONG AS, I don't act on it. Unlike other feelings, it's one that by acting on it, will create more feelings. It's easy to go from a dust storm to a tornado and not know how you got there. I stop it when the dust starts to rise. It's not complicated for me. I just cut it out and don't go there. I can shut down completely. I have control over that today, that ability to chose when and where, which some people think is a bad thing. Not me. It also means that I can see it when it happens in someone else. For me, the worst thing is to be crowded. The more pressure, the more likely I'll withdraw. Most of us come around if we're left a lone for a while.

It's funny because I will say things like "I'm so mad right now," or "I hate this," or "This pisses me off," but only when I'm not angry, just upset. If I was angry someone would likely never know. Anger in myself is a place I take seriously. I talk in extremes generally because that is how I learned to talk, my feelings are not that way. I generally say "I hate" a lot which for some people is one of those words that is reserved for the lowest of the lowest of the lowest of everything. I use it to signify a more general dislike of something. As in, "I hate lemon meringue pie." (true story)

Mr Nice Guy · 01-26-2012, 04:39 AM

I get quiet. I dont yell unless I have to. I like to take the time to think my thoughts thru then I'll tell you why I'm mad.

Ginger · 04-01-2012, 12:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by adorable

Anger is also fleeting. A feeling that passes, like all other feelings, AS LONG AS, I don't act on it. Unlike other feelings, it's one that by acting on it, will create more feelings. It's easy to go from a dust storm to a tornado and not know how you got there. (true story)

I love your metaphor of anger as a dust storm or tornado and it feels right—anger is like a hot wind that takes the breath out of your mouth.

But for me, anger isn't fleeting. If I don't express it—and I try to use my verbal skills—it doesn't go away, it goes underground, and emerges later as self-hatred. I internalize the angry person's view of me, and start to sink into a place where I'm not sure who I am.

I've learned to recognize that process, and my problem-solving skills kick in. I'm good at finding validation outside of the interpersonal dynamic where the anger arose, and I've found that validation from any healthy place can help me climb back up to a happier place.

Viola · 04-01-2012, 01:45 PM

That is so true about finding that validation from any healthy place can help...

Some times I've notice its not always easy to find that healthy place to validate, especially if ones anger is stem from an extreme unique situation...

Also timing too, meaning how long does it take to find this healthy place to validate.

Have you ever been in that situation where you either couldn't find that healthy place to validate, and or if you thought you found this place, were you ever not understood?

Sue

Quote:

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I love your metaphor of anger as a dust storm or tornado and it feels right—anger is like a hot wind that takes the breath out of your mouth.

But for me, anger isn't fleeting. If I don't express it—and I try to use my verbal skills—it doesn't go away, it goes underground, and emerges later as self-hatred. I internalize the angry person's view of me, and start to sink into a place where I'm not sure who I am.

I've learned to recognize that process, and my problem-solving skills kick in. I'm good at finding validation outside of the interpersonal dynamic where the anger arose, and I've found that validation from any healthy place can help me climb back up to a happier place.

Ginger · 04-01-2012, 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sue

That is so true about finding that validation from any healthy place can help...

Some times I've notice its not always easy to find that healthy place to validate, especially if ones anger is stem from an extreme unique situation...

Also timing too, meaning how long does it take to find this healthy place to validate.

Have you ever been in that situation where you either couldn't find that healthy place to validate, and or if you thought you found this place, were you ever not understood?

Sue

I think we all have at least one or two successful parts of our lives to focus on, when a bad relationship or some situation with a lot of destructive anger is threatening our state of mind.

I'm lucky to have a lot of external validation for my writing. I write web articles for a living, and my fine arts writing is well published and awarded. When I'm spiraling into depression because of anger I either can't express or feel (wrongly, of course), that I can't escape, I go back to my writing, and put myself in places where it will be validated, which makes ME feel validated.

So no, I guess I've never been in the situation you describe of not being able to find a healthy place in which to find validation, when stuck in an unhealthy dynamic of some sort. At least not in the last several years. In fact I literally write my way out of most crises.

~ocean · 04-01-2012, 02:21 PM

there so many ways and situations we can become angry in ..in work or a buisness situation i become very porfessional and articulate every word, at home w/ family i sat what i have to say and walk away .. w. my grandson i talk to him .. w. a lover . i get a bit fresh then I refrain .. till i'm not mad anymore.

Girl_On_Fire · 10-19-2012, 06:30 PM

My reaction to anger depends on the situation. I can get hurt very easily. I also have a lot of difficulty understanding verbal instructions and certain social cues so I get confused and frustrated a lot. This can make communication difficult. I'm definitely a screamer if I get triggered so if I really want to help resolve an issue, I need to write down how I feel and communicate via letter or nothing I say will make sense and I won't understand anything the other person is saying either.

Ginger · 10-20-2012, 08:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I'm lucky to have a lot of external validation for my writing. I write web articles for a living, and my fine arts writing is well published and awarded.

OMG I sound so pompous LOL I'm really not.

Wow, I was in such a bad place when I wrote that post. I've moved since then, gotten out of a situation that was destroying me. I really was fighting for my self esteem and sense of value and hope back then. Now I realize it was there all along.

imperfect_cupcake · 10-20-2012, 02:12 PM

There is one person that can actually yell at me, while angry, upset me to the point of crying yet still some how eventually make me laugh while she is yelling.

OHMYGODBARB SHUT.UP.!!!! NO! SHUT.IT!... AHHHHHHH!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! STOP FUCKING INTERUPTING ME AND IF YOU DONT SHUT THE FUCK I WILL PUSH MY FIST UP YOUR ARSE!!!! (Previously getting wobbly lipped as soon as she says "I will push my fist up your arse", I know she's frustrated rather than freak out angry and I calm down and sometimes even smile)

When I yell back OHMYGOD YOU ARE FUCKING IRRITATING THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF ME WHY IS IT THAT I HAVE TO YELL AT YOU LIKE YOU ARE A FOUR YEAR OLD AND YOU WILL FUCKING LISTEN TO ME BUT IF I ACT RESPECTFUL YOU TURN INTO A COMPLETE DICKHEAD WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

she: whatevvvvverrrrrrrrrr

me: stop that. I fucking hate that word. You say that one more time -

she: whateverrrrrrrrrrrrr!

me: (hey name in explatives)!!!!! STOP IT!!!!

she: whaaaat.ever.

and suddenly I'm smirking and calling her a shithead and giggling. Anyone else I'd go mental. Sometimes I really do see a trickster god prancing about in hooves teaching me a lesson about my own tolerances. And for some reason, I always feel really greatful for that, even when I want to throw her off a bridge.

10-19-2012, 06:30 PM	#8
Girl_On_Fire Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, Her Relationship Status: On Hiatus Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Connecticut Posts: 690 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,020 Thanked 2,684 Times in 562 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	Writing My reaction to anger depends on the situation. I can get hurt very easily. I also have a lot of difficulty understanding verbal instructions and certain social cues so I get confused and frustrated a lot. This can make communication difficult. I'm definitely a screamer if I get triggered so if I really want to help resolve an issue, I need to write down how I feel and communicate via letter or nothing I say will make sense and I won't understand anything the other person is saying either. __________________ "Quit trying to reason with unreasonable people. It's like trying to have a meaningful conversation with an end table." ~ Girl_On_Fire

01-26-2012, 12:51 AM	#2
adorable Member How Do You Identify?: Sarcastically Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Home of the Yankee's Posts: 752 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,708 Thanked 2,644 Times in 590 Posts Rep Power: 12725119	This is such an interesting thread. Anger is one of those things that for me, is not an emotion by itself, rather the combination of other emotions. Usually, based in some sort of fear and combined with something else. If I am angry, really angry, I get quiet. I am one of those people that doesn't act on it. Luckily, it's rare that I ever get angry about something. No good ever comes from a place of anger. Being heated or upset is a different story. Actual anger is more of a demon where rational thought is lost. The older I get, the more I see everything as choices and feel less need for discussion. Normally, I am likely to say what I'm thinking right at the moment that I feel it. Not always such a great idea generally. In that moment though, it's what I happened to think. In anger, that would be the worst thing to ever do. There are times that not speaking is far better than talking things through. And I'm fond of just letting things go. Sometimes, you both just really had a bad day and it wasn't more or less or something to be read into. When I feel the need to talk things through, because I like to analyze behavior, I generally need to cut that out. lol. No matter what I'm feeling, the best thing for me is to get quiet and sort myself out internally. When I am attempting (in a relationship) to get another person to talk to me, it's usually because I want to hear what they're thinking and change it to suit me. It's a control issue, not a discussion. One that keeps the focus off of me, where it should be. I spent several years with someone who was unable (which is different than unwilling) to discuss or process feelings at all. What I discovered was that it didn't matter. Honestly, how we feel at one moment can be entirely different then how we are going to feel tomorrow at the exact same time. Sleep alone changes things. I usually know (thank you therapy) immediately what I'm feeling and the best way for ME to process that. Everyone is different. My thinking that people process like I do isn't fair or true. Anger is also fleeting. A feeling that passes, like all other feelings, AS LONG AS, I don't act on it. Unlike other feelings, it's one that by acting on it, will create more feelings. It's easy to go from a dust storm to a tornado and not know how you got there. I stop it when the dust starts to rise. It's not complicated for me. I just cut it out and don't go there. I can shut down completely. I have control over that today, that ability to chose when and where, which some people think is a bad thing. Not me. It also means that I can see it when it happens in someone else. For me, the worst thing is to be crowded. The more pressure, the more likely I'll withdraw. Most of us come around if we're left a lone for a while. It's funny because I will say things like "I'm so mad right now," or "I hate this," or "This pisses me off," but only when I'm not angry, just upset. If I was angry someone would likely never know. Anger in myself is a place I take seriously. I talk in extremes generally because that is how I learned to talk, my feelings are not that way. I generally say "I hate" a lot which for some people is one of those words that is reserved for the lowest of the lowest of the lowest of everything. I use it to signify a more general dislike of something. As in, "I hate lemon meringue pie." (true story)

01-26-2012, 04:39 AM	#3
Mr Nice Guy Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Kind, sweet, loving, romantic and a rare Butch. :) Relationship Status: I don't drive a Uhaul. :) Join Date: May 2011 Location: Another New Englander Posts: 1,768 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,035 Thanked 4,894 Times in 1,307 Posts Rep Power: 0	I get quiet. I dont yell unless I have to. I like to take the time to think my thoughts thru then I'll tell you why I'm mad.

04-01-2012, 02:21 PM	#7
~ocean Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme blows a kiss off my finger tips * Preferred Pronoun?: ~ hey girl ~ Relationship Status: ~ single & content ~ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Massachusetts ~coastal Posts: 7,905 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22,958 Thanked 16,018 Times in 4,724 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	there so many ways and situations we can become angry in ..in work or a buisness situation i become very porfessional and articulate every word, at home w/ family i sat what i have to say and walk away .. w. my grandson i talk to him .. w. a lover . i get a bit fresh then I refrain .. till i'm not mad anymore.

10-20-2012, 02:12 PM	#10
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	There is one person that can actually yell at me, while angry, upset me to the point of crying yet still some how eventually make me laugh while she is yelling. OHMYGODBARB SHUT.UP.!!!! NO! SHUT.IT!... AHHHHHHH!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! STOP FUCKING INTERUPTING ME AND IF YOU DONT SHUT THE FUCK I WILL PUSH MY FIST UP YOUR ARSE!!!! (Previously getting wobbly lipped as soon as she says "I will push my fist up your arse", I know she's frustrated rather than freak out angry and I calm down and sometimes even smile) When I yell back OHMYGOD YOU ARE FUCKING IRRITATING THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF ME WHY IS IT THAT I HAVE TO YELL AT YOU LIKE YOU ARE A FOUR YEAR OLD AND YOU WILL FUCKING LISTEN TO ME BUT IF I ACT RESPECTFUL YOU TURN INTO A COMPLETE DICKHEAD WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! she: whatevvvvverrrrrrrrrr me: stop that. I fucking hate that word. You say that one more time - she: whateverrrrrrrrrrrrr! me: (hey name in explatives)!!!!! STOP IT!!!! she: whaaaat.ever. and suddenly I'm smirking and calling her a shithead and giggling. Anyone else I'd go mental. Sometimes I really do see a trickster god prancing about in hooves teaching me a lesson about my own tolerances. And for some reason, I always feel really greatful for that, even when I want to throw her off a bridge.