Cynthia Nixon says she's gay by 'choice.' Is it really a choice?

[nycfem]

My lesbianism is not biological in the sense that I've been physically attracted to all varieties of gender. Yet at the same time I would not say that being a lesbian was a choice for me.

I grew up in a home that was extremely patriarchal and misogynistic. I would get panic attacks listening at night to my father abuse my mother. And it went on and on, day in, day out. There was not a single moment when his goal was not to be as cruel as possible to her. And she took it, and we all took it, day in, day out. And it sent chills through me. Was this going to be my future?

In junior high school I had my first girlfriend. We fell deeply for each other, though we didn't call it "lesbian." Still, I had a moment of feeling like, "This is what life is about." It was broader than physical attraction. I felt like this was a type of love that rocked me to my core. Her parents and then my parents split us up, forbade us from seeing each other, and called us dykes. We had no idea what that meant and vehemently denied that we were anything bad or perverse.

Then in high school I found the book Radical Feminism, a 1970's anthology. I read that "Feminism is the theory. Lesbianism is the practice." I got into separatist literature and music and learned that "Any woman can be a lesbian." It was at that moment I KNEW I was a lesbian. It became a part of my blood, a political choice and yet it felt deeper than a choice and still does. I knew it would not be a phase, that this was IT, how I would live my life. I knew that I could never have a real romantic relationship with a biological man and would never want that, despite having a wonderful brother and male friends. I've always been happy and fulfilled living my life this way and still am. I couldn't/wouldn't change it for anything or anyone.

[betenoire]

Originally Posted by Strappie

You make it sound like Bisexual is a dirty word.

I am openly bisexual. I clearly do not think it is a dirty word - but I really do not like to hear people naming other people's sexuality for them.

[Arwen]

I've run the gamut from straight to lesbian to bisexual to queer. I don't give a rat's ass what Cynthia Nixon calls herself. I think it's heinous, controlling and overtly something or other ogynist to say she has a duty (implied) to be the right kind of lesbian if she's going to be public about it.

That's bullshit and I call it bullshit.

I'm really tired of our community's attempt to control one another by not who we sleep with but HOW we sleep with them. BAH!

This rant was brought to you by Arwen who was a bit stressed out tonight and is taking that stress out on these nameless arbitrators of what constitutes a "good" public lesbian.

[Glenn]

At first I thought I don't give a rats ass either because I was also born this way and I am a lifelong butch, and I am very secure with it. But all night, I was thinking about the future generations of my brothers and sisters, and their security, and their future battles with the religious right and media steriotypes. A lot of heterosexuals literally raise their kids on what the media tells them. If everyone who is somewhat a star in the media gets up and states it is a choice, then, that may motivate some folks to choose their own, sometimes nefarious methods in the future to change us. I have personally experienced people who hated us, evolve into becoming more accepting when given reasons to believe we are born this way, rather than thinking my nature is just a choice. This thread has made me realize how important it is how my spokespeople respond in the media to people, especially movie stars, and attractive women, that heterosexuals admired. Because this may influence how my brothers and sisters in the future are treated, I am very proud of my people who questioned her "terminology" in the media, and reinforced the fact that for many of us, it never was, nor will be, just simply a... choice.

[T4Texas]

I think everyone is different in that we come to being gay in different ways and times. For me, as I look back, I was attracted to females at the age of six which makes me think for myself, it was a biological/DNA thing. For others, they are late bloomers who come out in their 40s/50s/60s and perhaps for them its more of a choice to leave their straight lives behind. Or perhaps the gene was always there and they are just now acting on it. Society conditions us to live the straight life and for some its harder to just stand up and say NO, Im not going to be conventional. It reminds me of a bumpersticker I saw once that said I wasnt born in Texas, but I got there as fast as I could. I feel we all try to get to that place we think we belong as we grow older. I dont think any person here can say their sexual/gender lives hasnt been some kind of evolutionary process.
As for Cynthia Nixon. I think its her business how she chooses to represent herself. We would all be up in arms if someone told us how we should ID so she gets her choice. The complaints of certain people in the community I feel are nitpicking. If the gay community would stand up and present a more solid front, we would probably have less problems with the religious right but IMO the gay community has always been hit and miss on matters of politics and subjects that relate to our wellbeing as gays.

[Kobi]

Originally Posted by Glenn

At first I thought I don't give a rats ass either because I was also born this way and I am a lifelong butch, and I am very secure with it. But all night, I was thinking about the future generations of my brothers and sisters, and their security, and their future battles with the religious right and media steriotypes. A lot of heterosexuals literally raise their kids on what the media tells them. If everyone who is somewhat a star in the media gets up and states it is a choice, then, that may motivate some folks to choose their own, sometimes nefarious methods in the future to change us. I have personally experienced people who hated us, evolve into becoming more accepting when given reasons to believe we are born this way, rather than thinking my nature is just a choice. This thread has made me realize how important it is how my spokespeople respond in the media to people, especially movie stars, and attractive women, that heterosexuals admired. Because this may influence how my brothers and sisters in the future are treated, I am very proud of my people who questioned her "terminology" in the media, and reinforced the fact that for many of us, it never was, nor will be, just simply a... choice.

This makes sense to me.

Having grown up and come out in an era when homosexuality was illegal and criminal, as well as a mental illness that needed treatment, I am always mindful that there are still folks out there who view my sexuality as a moral issue in need of fixing.

Those same folks are still looking to revoke those gains, rights, and freedoms that so many of our brothers and sisters died for.

I am also aware, that the terminology and concepts used within our community is understood differently by us than it may be viewed by outsiders who are still looking to annililate us from the face of the earth cuz we are a moral disease that must be eradicated.

Words can be tricky things that help or empower us in one way or potentially harm us in another depending on how they are interpreted by others. Others may not define us, but others may have the power and/or need to thwart us in accordance with their own beliefs.

For some people, being queer is a biologically based thing. They didnt choose to be this way. This is how they came. This can be very comforting and empowering.

In a society like ours, where science, genetics specifically is progressing, being queer, might come down to a gene. What is done with that information is a concern to me. Genetic engineering and genetic cleansing is a concern to me.

On the other hand, for some, sexuality is fluid and choice is indeed a big factor. It is who they are. It is how they came. This too can be very comforting and empowering. It may be the ideal, I dont know.

For me, when the media points the spotlight on folks like Anne Henche or Cynthia Nixon for how they personally see their own situations, I get antsy. And, I get antsy for the same reasons some of the transfolks got antsy about Chaz Bono. These people have the visibility to color others perceptions of who the collective, diverse "we" are. Like it or not, what they say and how they say it, has an impact. It is not seen as just their unique presentation of themselves. It is seen as representing a group.

What works for Cynthia Nixon, is great for Cynthia Nixon.

But, what is always lingering in the back of my mind is images of the likes of Matthew Shepard and Brandon Teena.

[BullDog]

If we make our official "stance" that we were all born this way and can't help it- the right wingers could go all out looking for the "gay" gene to cure us.

Why is someone proclaiming being gay as a choice more of a frightening scenario? I don't get it.

I believe I was born with same sex attraction. However how I choose to live my life in a homophobic world is full of personal choices I have made.

Making choices for oneself is powerful. There is no "cure" for that.

[Chancie]

For me, it's not important to explain or analyze why I am queer.

I don't need to say, I was born this way, or

I was made this way.

I am queer.

But it is my choice to be with butches.

I certainly could have continued to have relationships with men, and

Some of those relationships were lovely.

[apretty]

I think we all have the choice to believe whether or not we were "born gay."

I was not "born gay" and I do fully identify as Queer.

E and I have this conversation periodically and for E, it's not the same so I respect our different beliefs and experiences.