Is Marriage for you?

Tawse · 02-09-2012, 11:37 AM

for some people.. they can stay with someone forever as long as they don't feel legally tied to that person. As soon as you have the legal bonds - they feel suffocated.

It's cool watching the way different people react to different things.

Novelafemme · 02-09-2012, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tawse

for some people.. they can stay with someone forever as long as they don't feel legally tied to that person. As soon as you have the legal bonds - they feel suffocated.

It's cool watching the way different people react to different things.

Exactly, Tawse. I had this conversation with my sister when we were in NYC a few weeks back. She has been with her partner for 26 years and they are getting legally married tomorrow at their town hall. She was explaining that marriage was just never really an option for her. It felt too conventional, traditional, confining, doomed, lol. Since she has had cancer her outlook has done a 360. She wrote me this morning and said she thinks tomorrow is going to take she and Michael to a whole different level emotionally and spiritually and she is super excited about that.

I will say that the entire 15+ years I was married it never felt quite "right". And while I couldn't put my finger on what was identifiably wrong, it actually made me heart sick to think that the reality I was living then was all it would ever be in terms of intimacy and partnership. But, I felt like I had made a deal with the devil and I was in it forever. Thank goodness I finally realized I had options and that the world wouldn't end if I spoke up and made my unhappiness known.

starryeyes · 02-09-2012, 11:54 AM

I was in a hetero marriage for 2 years. I know being married to a woman who I felt that complete connection with would be different, but it gonna take me a while to get to that point, if ever. My whole idea of marriage is kinda spoiled with my experience, the media, the controversy, ect. I would want to have a ceremony of some sort, somethig special that was meaningful to us if I ever find a partner who would want to go there with me (lol). Now, when it gets to the point of kids, mortgages, insurance, etc I can totally see why a marriage that would be legally binding would be important.

To each their own, and congrats to the folks who are and will be getting legally married. It's amazing to see how far we have come.

Love!
Starry

LaneyDoll · 02-09-2012, 12:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by starryeyes

To each their own, and congrats to the folks who are and will be getting legally married. It's amazing to see how far we have come.

Love this!!!

genghisfawn · 02-09-2012, 12:15 PM

I find that a lot of people say, "I don't care if they pass same-sex marriage or not. I don't need a piece of paper."

The thing is, whether you want to be married or not, it's a good thing for those who value marriage to be able to have what they want and need for their relationship. I like to encourage people to think of those they love and see equal rights as a necessity, not a privilege.

I am also the marrying kind.

SweetJane · 02-09-2012, 01:13 PM

Having been in a 36 year marriage and then a divorce, I can say that marriage does have its protections. And that's why I see same-sex marriage as a must for the whole country. It protects children, deals with medical and end-of-life issues, and property ownership and division. Not all of that is protected by the federal government, though some is protected by state civil union laws and some state same sex marriage laws.

I will also say that any marriage should not be a quick decision because it's hard to get out of legally and can get messy.

Marriage, like any long-term commitment, should be based on knowing someone really well and not just what they like to do in bed. It's about all of the little things that can bless or curse your life together if you decided to share a home. It's everything. So a strong friendship (that may be hot) is essential.

Would I marry again? I don't think so. Would I commit to a long-term relationship? Someday perhaps with the right person. But my standards are high and I really don't know if that's in my future.

Sachita · 02-09-2012, 01:14 PM

If I was with someone and I knew it was going to be forever then yes. When in a committed relationship you work hard to build a life together. You want to know that you're both safe to make investments, purchase a home, etc. When I was in a relationship we did have provisions and paperwork to protect us. Getting married makes it easier and perhaps more affordable.

I think we deserve the same rights, however if I got married it would be based on my feelings and love for my life partner.

macele · 02-09-2012, 02:05 PM

She wrote me this morning and said she thinks tomorrow is going to take she and Michael to a whole different level emotionally and spiritually and she is super excited about that. -- Novelafemme

Surely this is what marriage is all about! love this.

princessbelle · 02-09-2012, 02:26 PM

IMO....If i'm committed and *you* are committed and *we* have a ceremony whether legal or not with friends, or alone, we are married. If *we exchange vows, to our God, to the world, to each other, we are married.

I've been both legally married and married to a woman that wasn't legal. I did not feel "less married" with the one that was not legal.

It's papers. However, sometimes those papers are important. Most of them can be worked around. In the situation regarding insurance coverage things like that, sometimes they cannot be worked around and that sucks. Most of the time though as with power of attorney, medical power of attorney, beneficiary to life insurance, ect. things can be done to assure your partner's rights.

I still want our legal rights to marry, but until then at least we have a clearer path with knowing what we need to do to secure our partner and ourselves for the future.

Besides the paperwork part of it, whether it is legal or not, it is the same for me in my heart. Give me a ring, a white dress and your heart, promise me it is forever, and i'll give you all that back and more. Well, maybe you wouldn't want the white dress, but you get the picture.

Greyson · 02-09-2012, 02:41 PM

Tink, thank you for keeping us posted on much of the same sex marriage news. I read it, always.

I know it has been argued that the LGBTQ Community has spent far too many resources on this particular human rights issue. I disagree with that it is too much. Yes, much of the collective resources are focused on same sex marriage and I believe this is also opening doors in general for the entire gambit of human rights for LGBTQ.

My own personal situation is that I now can get legally married in the USA because I have transitioned and legally I am now male. I consider this to be a clear cut example of hypocrisy. I have known all of my life I am a queer which is primarily expressed as masculine and born into a female body. Why does undergoing surgery, taking hormones, acquiring the "proper and needed documents" to transition change how the law now sees me? I am still the same on the inside. I still put my pants on one leg at a time. My resume is the same, my passions and hopes, unchanged.

Now I can get married legally, and I know on some level I hedge because it just does not seem right, that I can get married while others in my community cannot. This really annoys me. I am sure at some point I will get married for the first time in my life, and I hope it will be the last.

P.S. I know, I am such a romantic.

twist of lime · 02-09-2012, 03:03 PM

wow! I really, really, SUPER REALLY, wanted to click on the choice of "I wouldn't get married if you paid me", but my overwhelming desire for diplomacy with a side-car of optimism dictated that I just declare that I'm not married.

*still kinda' grittin' my teeth

MsTinkerbelly · 02-09-2012, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Greyson

Tink, thank you for keeping us posted on much of the same sex marriage news. I read it, always.

I know it has been argued that the LGBTQ Community has spent far too many resources on this particular human rights issue. I disagree with that it is too much. Yes, much of the collective resources are focused on same sex marriage and I believe this is also opening doors in general for the entire gambit of human rights for LGBTQ.

If we don't strike in the places that make them uncomfortable, that make them feel, then we can go back to being ignored and discriminated against...we have tried to get the same basic human rights as non queers for years, and what has that gotten us? IN most states we can lose our jobs, lose our homes, lose our KIDS!!! Fuck that! If we can't get our Civil rights by being nice, then we need to get in their faces where it makes them feel.

My own personal situation is that I now can get legally married in the USA because I have transitioned and legally I am now male. I consider this to be a clear cut example of hypocrisy. I have known all of my life I am a queer which is primarily expressed as masculine and born into a female body. Why does undergoing surgery, taking hormones, acquiring the "proper and needed documents" to transition change how the law now sees me? I am still the same on the inside. I still put my pants on one leg at a time. My resume is the same, my passions and hopes, unchanged.

I almost didn't marry my Kasey for some of the same reasons...if we can't all get married, then I shouldn't get married. BUT...if no one gets married then they think we don't want it after all!! they have to see that my marriage in no way impacts their marriage for minds to be changed.

Now I can get married legally, and I know on some level I hedge because it just does not seem right, that I can get married while others in my community cannot. This really annoys me. I am sure at some point I will get married for the first time in my life, and I hope it will be the last.

P.S. I know, I am such a romantic.

This! Me in Blue

CABud · 02-09-2012, 03:37 PM

You can say that it's the same - having the piece of paper and not having the piece of paper - but you won't know how different it is until you actually get to have the piece of paper. I used to say it was the same. It's not. And I have the piece of paper to prove it.

princessbelle · 02-09-2012, 04:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CABud

You can say that it's the same - having the piece of paper and not having the piece of paper - but you won't know how different it is until you actually get to have the piece of paper. I used to say it was the same. It's not. And I have the piece of paper to prove it.

I respectful disagree. I understand how you may feel that way and others may. But, at least in my situation, and from my *me* space, it was the same feeling of marriage whether i had the certificate or i didn't. The only differences was getting all the legal stuff in order and missing out on company plan health insurance. It is more of an effort to get the legal stuff in order, but it can be done. For example, a Medical Power of Attorney. Whereas if you are married it automatically defaults to your spouse. But, a lot of these things can all be accomplished with the right lawyer. Again i say "almost all".

There are many ways to make sure you and your spouse are protected even down to the ownership of mutual belongings. You can have papers drawn up that if you ever split, everything is divided equally. Just about everything can be done legally...just takes a lot more time and effort and money.

IMO...that piece of paper only meant most of that stuff mentioned above was already done for me. Without that piece of paper it was on me to make sure everything was done that could be done legally. It's neater and tightier with the paper...that was the only diff for me.

A note of the heart: A piece of paper did not "make" me more married in my soul, it was the commitment.

With that said....i strongly STILL believe we all have the right to be married. It is way easier legally. BUT, IMO that is the only difference.

Rockinonahigh · 02-09-2012, 11:56 AM

I beleave marriage is great,but its not a garentee of happyness nor being a life time commitment to some people.That being said I also think that to many folks rush into marriage with out takeing the time to really get to know the person they are commiting a lifetime to,so time should be taken t really get to know who you are contemplateing marriage with.Lets face it when the blush falls from the bloom there is the real life of the ebb and flow of of a long term relationship should be built over time by also being each thers best friends before anything else so a solid foundation is there,I am always wary of a fast pace relationship that leads to the alter,its not to say it cant be good and do work out,but imho its not a everyday thing.MY grand parrents courted for several years and thay had a long term loveing marriage built on love,trust,compatablity and realiseing how to just live life with humor.I would like that kind of relationship but it has not happened...yet.

View Poll Results: What is your ststus?
I am unmarried in my State or Country	103	58.52%
I am married in my State or Country	27	15.34%
I have had an alternate joining which is not legally marriage	18	10.23%
I wouldn't get married if they paid me!	28	15.91%
Voters: 176. You may not vote on this poll

02-09-2012, 11:54 AM	#3
starryeyes Senior Member How Do You Identify?: a round peg in a square hole Preferred Pronoun?: Guess... Relationship Status: Seat taken Join Date: May 2011 Location: Rocky Mountain High Posts: 2,491 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,199 Thanked 10,052 Times in 2,076 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I was in a hetero marriage for 2 years. I know being married to a woman who I felt that complete connection with would be different, but it gonna take me a while to get to that point, if ever. My whole idea of marriage is kinda spoiled with my experience, the media, the controversy, ect. I would want to have a ceremony of some sort, somethig special that was meaningful to us if I ever find a partner who would want to go there with me (lol). Now, when it gets to the point of kids, mortgages, insurance, etc I can totally see why a marriage that would be legally binding would be important. To each their own, and congrats to the folks who are and will be getting legally married. It's amazing to see how far we have come. Love! Starry __________________ "It's ok to make mistakes. It's ok to fall down. Get up! Look sickening....and make them eat it!" - Latrice Royale Starry

02-09-2012, 01:14 PM	#7
Sachita Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Goddess Relationship Status: Completely in love Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Southern Virginia Posts: 3,225 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,564 Thanked 8,993 Times in 2,247 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	If I was with someone and I knew it was going to be forever then yes. When in a committed relationship you work hard to build a life together. You want to know that you're both safe to make investments, purchase a home, etc. When I was in a relationship we did have provisions and paperwork to protect us. Getting married makes it easier and perhaps more affordable. I think we deserve the same rights, however if I got married it would be based on my feelings and love for my life partner. __________________ You either like me or you don't. It took me Twenty-something years to learn how to love myself, I don't have that kinda time to convince somebody else. ~ Daniel Franzese

02-09-2012, 02:26 PM	#9
princessbelle Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: femme ones Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Tennessee Posts: 6,100 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,380 Thanked 30,496 Times in 5,198 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	IMO....If i'm committed and you are committed and we have a ceremony whether legal or not with friends, or alone, we are married. If *we exchange vows, to our God, to the world, to each other, we are married. I've been both legally married and married to a woman that wasn't legal. I did not feel "less married" with the one that was not legal. It's papers. However, sometimes those papers are important. Most of them can be worked around. In the situation regarding insurance coverage things like that, sometimes they cannot be worked around and that sucks. Most of the time though as with power of attorney, medical power of attorney, beneficiary to life insurance, ect. things can be done to assure your partner's rights. I still want our legal rights to marry, but until then at least we have a clearer path with knowing what we need to do to secure our partner and ourselves for the future. Besides the paperwork part of it, whether it is legal or not, it is the same for me in my heart. Give me a ring, a white dress and your heart, promise me it is forever, and i'll give you all that back and more. Well, maybe you wouldn't want the white dress, but you get the picture. __________________ ~ I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou

02-09-2012, 02:41 PM	#10
Greyson Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Transmasculine/Non-Binary Preferred Pronoun?: Hy (Pronounced He) Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: SF Bay Area Posts: 6,589 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 21,132 Thanked 8,153 Times in 2,006 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Tink, thank you for keeping us posted on much of the same sex marriage news. I read it, always. I know it has been argued that the LGBTQ Community has spent far too many resources on this particular human rights issue. I disagree with that it is too much. Yes, much of the collective resources are focused on same sex marriage and I believe this is also opening doors in general for the entire gambit of human rights for LGBTQ. My own personal situation is that I now can get legally married in the USA because I have transitioned and legally I am now male. I consider this to be a clear cut example of hypocrisy. I have known all of my life I am a queer which is primarily expressed as masculine and born into a female body. Why does undergoing surgery, taking hormones, acquiring the "proper and needed documents" to transition change how the law now sees me? I am still the same on the inside. I still put my pants on one leg at a time. My resume is the same, my passions and hopes, unchanged. Now I can get married legally, and I know on some level I hedge because it just does not seem right, that I can get married while others in my community cannot. This really annoys me. I am sure at some point I will get married for the first time in my life, and I hope it will be the last. P.S. I know, I am such a romantic. __________________ Sometimes you don't realize your own strength until you come face to face with your greatest weakness. - Susan Gale Last edited by Greyson; 02-09-2012 at 03:04 PM.

02-09-2012, 11:37 AM	#1
Tawse Member How Do You Identify?: TG Gender Queer Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Atlanta Posts: 730 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,973 Thanked 2,733 Times in 642 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	for some people.. they can stay with someone forever as long as they don't feel legally tied to that person. As soon as you have the legal bonds - they feel suffocated. It's cool watching the way different people react to different things.

02-09-2012, 12:15 PM	#5
genghisfawn Member How Do You Identify?: Femme/Gentlewoman Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Relationship Status: Happily married 05/17/14 Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: Saskatchewan, Canada Posts: 561 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,056 Thanked 2,158 Times in 403 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	I find that a lot of people say, "I don't care if they pass same-sex marriage or not. I don't need a piece of paper." The thing is, whether you want to be married or not, it's a good thing for those who value marriage to be able to have what they want and need for their relationship. I like to encourage people to think of those they love and see equal rights as a necessity, not a privilege. I am also the marrying kind.

02-09-2012, 01:13 PM	#6
SweetJane Member How Do You Identify?: stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: always solo Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: New Mexico Posts: 368 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 380 Thanked 815 Times in 198 Posts Rep Power: 4309957	Having been in a 36 year marriage and then a divorce, I can say that marriage does have its protections. And that's why I see same-sex marriage as a must for the whole country. It protects children, deals with medical and end-of-life issues, and property ownership and division. Not all of that is protected by the federal government, though some is protected by state civil union laws and some state same sex marriage laws. I will also say that any marriage should not be a quick decision because it's hard to get out of legally and can get messy. Marriage, like any long-term commitment, should be based on knowing someone really well and not just what they like to do in bed. It's about all of the little things that can bless or curse your life together if you decided to share a home. It's everything. So a strong friendship (that may be hot) is essential. Would I marry again? I don't think so. Would I commit to a long-term relationship? Someday perhaps with the right person. But my standards are high and I really don't know if that's in my future.

02-09-2012, 02:05 PM	#8
macele Member How Do You Identify?: a bold-assed maximus Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: mississippi Posts: 1,066 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,178 Thanked 3,231 Times in 847 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	She wrote me this morning and said she thinks tomorrow is going to take she and Michael to a whole different level emotionally and spiritually and she is super excited about that. -- Novelafemme Surely this is what marriage is all about! love this.

02-09-2012, 03:03 PM	#11
twist of lime Member How Do You Identify?: femme Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: under a red tiled roof Posts: 364 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,223 Thanked 407 Times in 102 Posts Rep Power: 6656175	wow! I really, really, SUPER REALLY, wanted to click on the choice of "I wouldn't get married if you paid me", but my overwhelming desire for diplomacy with a side-car of optimism dictated that I just declare that I'm not married. *still kinda' grittin' my teeth

02-09-2012, 03:37 PM	#13
CABud Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: Temporary time-out for identity verification. Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: Santa Cruz, CA Posts: 3 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2 Thanked 21 Times in 3 Posts Rep Power: 0	You can say that it's the same - having the piece of paper and not having the piece of paper - but you won't know how different it is until you actually get to have the piece of paper. I used to say it was the same. It's not. And I have the piece of paper to prove it.

02-09-2012, 11:56 AM	#15
Rockinonahigh Senior Member How Do You Identify?: stone butch Preferred Pronoun?: makes no diffrence,I know who I am. Relationship Status: single,maybe looking if the right person comes along. Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 4,907 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,682 Thanked 14,933 Times in 3,938 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I beleave marriage is great,but its not a garentee of happyness nor being a life time commitment to some people.That being said I also think that to many folks rush into marriage with out takeing the time to really get to know the person they are commiting a lifetime to,so time should be taken t really get to know who you are contemplateing marriage with.Lets face it when the blush falls from the bloom there is the real life of the ebb and flow of of a long term relationship should be built over time by also being each thers best friends before anything else so a solid foundation is there,I am always wary of a fast pace relationship that leads to the alter,its not to say it cant be good and do work out,but imho its not a everyday thing.MY grand parrents courted for several years and thay had a long term loveing marriage built on love,trust,compatablity and realiseing how to just live life with humor.I would like that kind of relationship but it has not happened...yet.